val
September 4th, 2004, 12:02 AM
To Jeany... and anyone else who's curious, of course.
Three years ago I started a journey from Los Angeles across the continent and the pond to pursue something I wanted... a life with someone I wanted. On my way, even before I embarked, things started to go awry. I stopped in Virginia on what was supposed to be a three-month sojourn before crossing the pond. Things went very awry, and I stayed... "stuck" there... for three years. What I didn't know when I started out, but learned over the three years "stuck" there, is that I was wanting the right thing. I just wasn't ready.
Fate kept me in Virginia so that I could learn what I needed to learn to have the life I want. I had to learn about survival (I took things for granted) by living in a very dangerous economic climate, and I had to learn about my connection to heaven and earth by living in nature.
Many of my posts were about being very frightened... I was in a textile town that was dying since textiles have left the country. I watched what happens to an entire town when their livelihood... their life... the life of several generations of their family before them... is taken away. I heard gunfire very near my home and person on four different occasions in the last year there.
And while all this was going on I was having dreams and YiJing readings that helped me journey to my innermost self where my deepest biggest fear lived... the fear that kept me from having the life I want. And I learned new things about me and the universe and felt new feelings for the first time in my life.
Although many of my posts were about this sequential journey to my inner self, many were about being frightened amid the violence and wanting desperately to leave. The Yi kept telling me to wait. The violence and desperation around me grew, and finally in early March, after my dreams (and hopes) about a life with My Great Man across the pond and my self-discovery had seemingly ended), things happened that moved the obstacles from the path out of there. The way was clear. I boarded a plane to return to LA on March 31.
I followed the Yi's guidance the entire time. Since returning, I've landed the absolutely perfect job in which I'm very happy and secure. And this weekend I'm moving into a new wonderful home. Housing is at a premium here and very difficult to find, but the Yi guided me right to this home... and it's perfect for me... *contented sigh*
Ahhh, but there's more...
Whenever I would try to "direct" my path toward a significant other, whether new or past, I would get 43.4 or the line that says "Make no arbitrary choice of the way. The force more powerful than yourself is leading together those who belong together," and I finally learned to just let them lead. When I found this new comfortable and safe home, I knew instinctively that it was time, and I asked the Yi about where they were leading me. Because of my new situation, which is a return of sorts to a distant happy past, I was suspecting they might be leading toward someone in that past whom I'm not all the keen on any more. They answered with 41.4. I wasn't very happy to hear that because I wasn't really interested in reuniting with him, and kind of let that answer go. Then I asked again a few days later about a more general scenario, and they answered 41.4 again. I knew at that point I needed to pay close attention to the line.
Then a couple of nights after that, I overheard my family talking about a couple, and it reminded me of an incident that happened between My Great Man and me when we were in England together.
After he'd tried to ask me to marry him and my fear reared it's ugly head yet again and I'd said hurtful things in response, he decided to send me home to the US. I didn't want to go because I really did want to marry him and didn't know why I'd done such a horrid thing. I got drunk... I got sick... and I was in the bathroom crying. He tried to console me. He reached down to put his arms around me to hold me, and when I felt his touch on my back, I reached around and hit him. *cringe* Hitting him was a reflex reaction that had nothing to do with him. I had been in that same position in my youth, crouched with my arms wrapped around my head to protect myself from a beating that left me with broken ribs, and I flashed back to it at that moment. I never hit any man before that... except in play in my youth... and, of course, I haven't since. There's no doubt I never will again. Nevertheless he had nothing to do with the beating... he was being gentle and loving, and I reacted violently. I hurt him. Can you tell I'm struggling to type this? The memory, the remorse, the knowing that I hurt someone so kind and caring and gentle... someone I loved... is painful and difficult.
As I laid there in bed overwhelmed with remorse and grief, I was seized with a strong desire to tell him how sorry I am and to ask him for forgiveness. I got out of bed and threw the coins, telling the Yi how I was feeling, and they answered with... what else?... you already know... 41.4.
That's the first time since February of this year that they've prepared me for an experience (by repeating 41.4 before the fact)... and again... it's an experience involving him. Most of growth experiences in Virginia involved him. I don't know that it means the line is going to fulfill itself in its entirety... including the part that says, "It makes the other hasten to come and rejoice"... it would be nice... but I've learned not to take all the stages of lines to heart. I do know that I had to get past that moment in my youth and come to terms with that moment with him. And I do know I have to tell him that I realize the gravity of my crime against him and how very sorry I am that I hurt him. It's very important to me. I owe him at least this much. And I owe it to myself. I have no way to contact him now. He's changed his phone number and email address since we last talked. Our last possible conduit of communication is now closed to me. I don't have a computer at home until I get my stuff from Virginia, and I have a firewall on my computer at work that prevents my using it. But when I do have an opportunity again, I AM going to tell him.
Thanks for listening.
With much love,
Val
Three years ago I started a journey from Los Angeles across the continent and the pond to pursue something I wanted... a life with someone I wanted. On my way, even before I embarked, things started to go awry. I stopped in Virginia on what was supposed to be a three-month sojourn before crossing the pond. Things went very awry, and I stayed... "stuck" there... for three years. What I didn't know when I started out, but learned over the three years "stuck" there, is that I was wanting the right thing. I just wasn't ready.
Fate kept me in Virginia so that I could learn what I needed to learn to have the life I want. I had to learn about survival (I took things for granted) by living in a very dangerous economic climate, and I had to learn about my connection to heaven and earth by living in nature.
Many of my posts were about being very frightened... I was in a textile town that was dying since textiles have left the country. I watched what happens to an entire town when their livelihood... their life... the life of several generations of their family before them... is taken away. I heard gunfire very near my home and person on four different occasions in the last year there.
And while all this was going on I was having dreams and YiJing readings that helped me journey to my innermost self where my deepest biggest fear lived... the fear that kept me from having the life I want. And I learned new things about me and the universe and felt new feelings for the first time in my life.
Although many of my posts were about this sequential journey to my inner self, many were about being frightened amid the violence and wanting desperately to leave. The Yi kept telling me to wait. The violence and desperation around me grew, and finally in early March, after my dreams (and hopes) about a life with My Great Man across the pond and my self-discovery had seemingly ended), things happened that moved the obstacles from the path out of there. The way was clear. I boarded a plane to return to LA on March 31.
I followed the Yi's guidance the entire time. Since returning, I've landed the absolutely perfect job in which I'm very happy and secure. And this weekend I'm moving into a new wonderful home. Housing is at a premium here and very difficult to find, but the Yi guided me right to this home... and it's perfect for me... *contented sigh*
Ahhh, but there's more...
Whenever I would try to "direct" my path toward a significant other, whether new or past, I would get 43.4 or the line that says "Make no arbitrary choice of the way. The force more powerful than yourself is leading together those who belong together," and I finally learned to just let them lead. When I found this new comfortable and safe home, I knew instinctively that it was time, and I asked the Yi about where they were leading me. Because of my new situation, which is a return of sorts to a distant happy past, I was suspecting they might be leading toward someone in that past whom I'm not all the keen on any more. They answered with 41.4. I wasn't very happy to hear that because I wasn't really interested in reuniting with him, and kind of let that answer go. Then I asked again a few days later about a more general scenario, and they answered 41.4 again. I knew at that point I needed to pay close attention to the line.
Then a couple of nights after that, I overheard my family talking about a couple, and it reminded me of an incident that happened between My Great Man and me when we were in England together.
After he'd tried to ask me to marry him and my fear reared it's ugly head yet again and I'd said hurtful things in response, he decided to send me home to the US. I didn't want to go because I really did want to marry him and didn't know why I'd done such a horrid thing. I got drunk... I got sick... and I was in the bathroom crying. He tried to console me. He reached down to put his arms around me to hold me, and when I felt his touch on my back, I reached around and hit him. *cringe* Hitting him was a reflex reaction that had nothing to do with him. I had been in that same position in my youth, crouched with my arms wrapped around my head to protect myself from a beating that left me with broken ribs, and I flashed back to it at that moment. I never hit any man before that... except in play in my youth... and, of course, I haven't since. There's no doubt I never will again. Nevertheless he had nothing to do with the beating... he was being gentle and loving, and I reacted violently. I hurt him. Can you tell I'm struggling to type this? The memory, the remorse, the knowing that I hurt someone so kind and caring and gentle... someone I loved... is painful and difficult.
As I laid there in bed overwhelmed with remorse and grief, I was seized with a strong desire to tell him how sorry I am and to ask him for forgiveness. I got out of bed and threw the coins, telling the Yi how I was feeling, and they answered with... what else?... you already know... 41.4.
That's the first time since February of this year that they've prepared me for an experience (by repeating 41.4 before the fact)... and again... it's an experience involving him. Most of growth experiences in Virginia involved him. I don't know that it means the line is going to fulfill itself in its entirety... including the part that says, "It makes the other hasten to come and rejoice"... it would be nice... but I've learned not to take all the stages of lines to heart. I do know that I had to get past that moment in my youth and come to terms with that moment with him. And I do know I have to tell him that I realize the gravity of my crime against him and how very sorry I am that I hurt him. It's very important to me. I owe him at least this much. And I owe it to myself. I have no way to contact him now. He's changed his phone number and email address since we last talked. Our last possible conduit of communication is now closed to me. I don't have a computer at home until I get my stuff from Virginia, and I have a firewall on my computer at work that prevents my using it. But when I do have an opportunity again, I AM going to tell him.
Thanks for listening.
With much love,
Val