What should be my attitude? 17.4 -3

[rosada]

My sister is in charge of my mother's affairs, plus she has health issues. From time to time she will call me and sort of think out loud, telling me about all the latest goof ups with Mom's care at the nursing home, or the problems with the renters etc. etc. I am 1,000 miles away and not in a position to do anything, other than to toss out a few ideas or just tell her I think she's doing an Ace's job. Invaribly she will call back in a day or two and discribe how the latest crisis has been averted, and thanks me profusely for "being there" for her, telling me how helpful it is to hear my calm reasurrance. The truth is, however, i don't feel calm at all and although this has been going on for sometime, I still am always reduced to the point of panic after I hear her predictions of gloom and doom. I asked the I Ching what my attitude should be when she calls and received 17.4 - 3, Following changing to Difficulty at the Beginning.

17.4
following creates success
Perseverance brings misfortune.
To go one's way with sincerity brings clarity.
How could there be blame in this?

Wilhelm discribes this line as saying there are those who would cling to us through their flattery and we must see through this to become free of blame. I take this to mean that I must not be flattered into thinking I did anything special letting her vent, but I'm not sure how that translates into action. Is it wrong that I have encouraged her to think she can call me and tell me she's scared about an upcoming confrontation with a tenant or her medical problems, surgery ? Should i refuse to listen to every detail? Isn't that what a sister should do?

Any insights most appreciated!

[willowfox]

" I asked the I Ching what my attitude should be when she calls and received 17.4 - 3, Following changing to Difficulty at the Beginning."

Hex 17.4 says that you have made a follower, your sister, she has latched on to you probably for selfish reasons, to use you as a sounding board. If you allow this relationship to carry on, as is, then you will only give yourself a headache. It says that you should break this bond, and pay more attention to what is happening in your own life not hers. Be sincere in the fact that you are sisters but cut out the noise.

Hex 3 At first your new attitude will upset her but persevere and you will experience a new growth in your relationship with her. It is now time to untangled yourself from her web of intrigue, but have patience, take it slow, a new relationship takes time to grow. The text says for you to seek advice and I suppose that putting this question on this board is where you will receive that advice.

[jesed]

Hi Rosada

Just in case the comment could be useful


"No situation can become favorable till one is able to adapt to it and does not wear himself out with mistaken resistance."

About the line, is not about "cutting the bound", but to remain free of ego,to have inner clarity wich allow you to adapt yourself every single time. See 3.4 (effect of 17.4), and you could notice "We are in a situation in which it is our duty to act, but we lack sufficient power...Neither false pride nor false reserve should deter us. Bringing oneself to take the first step, even when it involves a certain degree of self-abnegation, is a sign of inner clarity"

Best wishes

[lightangel]

I like what Jesed says:

to remain free of ego,to have inner clarity wich allow you to adapt yourself every single time

I think you do the right thing by being the strong and calm one in these situations. After all, she is the one that is closest to all those problems she calls you about.

But maybe you want to give yourself a little bit more room for expression. Perhaps it's not so bad to show you are a little scared or worried from time to time. That should not detract from the firm support you provide for her with your attention, your time, your words.

I know how it is. I often need my sister very much to tell me everything will be allright but she's also allowed to panic a little bit from time to time.:)

[bruce_g]

Hi Rosada,

I think the way to sort this out (3) is to not push yourself into feeling you must do something to make things right. That’s when I usually get 17, and especially 17.4, when I feel I must do something, but what I have to offer seems too small to be of much real help. Going inside to rest is like calling a time out from this outer activity, going inside, until I’m really called out to do something. This creates a sort of calm assurance, which makes the help you offer also calm and assuring.

It’s the opposite of being someone’s beast of burden, because you act from your inner composure rather than your need to feel helpful. The other person picks up on this, and it usually cools them down as well. So, you follow your inner guidance, and your sister follows you.

[bruce_g]

Rosada, btw, I had something similar going on between my brother and mother. It can really be draining when you feel helpless to do anything significant about it. Dunno about your case, but my brother laid a lot of passive aggressive crap on me (which I think can sometimes be what Wilhelm calls flattery), which I finally refused to receive. Oddly enough, my refusal seemed to enable my brother to deal with it better.

[trojan]

. Invaribly she will call back in a day or two and discribe how the latest crisis has been averted, and thanks me profusely for "being there" for her, telling me how helpful it is to hear my calm reasurrance.

Wilhelm discribes this line as saying there are those who would cling to us through their flattery and we must see through this to become free of blame. I take this to mean that I must not be flattered into thinking I did anything special letting her vent, but I'm not sure how that translates into action. Is it wrong that I have encouraged her to think she can call me and tell me she's scared about an upcoming confrontation with a tenant or her medical problems, surgery ? Should i refuse to listen to every detail? Isn't that what a sister should do?

Any insights most appreciated!


I think the 'flattery' referred to here is in your words above, how she calls back to thank you. Maybe flattery isn't quite the right word, but with this line theres always the sense of a certain kind of manipulation one may be prone to through being subject to anothers great approval. I just think we tend to soften up at flattery, our egos like it and so we may give out more than is really good or necessary. I think this line just says to be aware of that and just go on with 'sincerity' , think clearly about it without being swayed by the receipt of positive approval.

You told us your own feelings were that you didn't feel at all okay after talking to her. Sounds like you feel you have a duty to her and she rewards you with praise for fulfilling that duty in the way she likes. I feel the advice is 'sure continue to give what help you can but remain true to yourself and your own needs and feelings also - be sincere within yourself - don't put out becuase you think thats what she thinks a good sister should do.'


Similar really to whats already been said.

[dobro]

"I asked the I Ching what my attitude should be when she calls and received 17.4"

My take on 17.4: instead of following this like a hunter, locate yourself in the way of life and light.

Applied to your situation: when your sister calls, don't be focussing on what's wrong with the situation with your mum (or what's wrong with your sister's phone call), but instead focus on your own values and knowledge and powers of insight and observation.

See, the way things are now, your sister's news bulletins about your mum are pushing your buttons, triggering upset and such; but you've got an understanding of life that's far superior to that sort of reaction. You need to let go of the conditioned reactions to locate yourself in that wisdom though.

[hollis]

above.

Just wondering, Rosada, have you ever heard of Re-evaluation Counseling? A peer to peer counseling mission? It may be useful for your sister, with all that stress.

"In recovering and using the natural discharge process, two people take turns counseling and being counseled. The one acting as the counselor listens, draws the other out and permits, encourages, and assists emotional discharge. The one acting as client talks and discharges and re-evaluates. With experience and increased confidence and trust in each other, the process works better and better."

Very effective, and often, free of charge.

http://www.rc.org/

[rosada]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to think about my situation.

Willowfox, your ideas make sence and particularly your insight that 3 is about starting up a new way of relating is very useful - hadn't thought of that.

Thank you, Jesed. I have felt quilty that there might be something I should be doing. Your imput makes me feel much less like the "Bad sister"!

Lightangel, you are right, I could speak up without rocking the boat. Duh. Funny how we get to thinking we are required to be someone we're not.

Bruce, Thank you so much. This suggests to me that I actually could be the calm rock I am pretending to be if I just seek it. Good luck with your brother, too. Sounds like we're in the same classroom. I like the idea that if I am more genuine with my sister things will not fall apart, but actually improve!

Thank you Trojan, you've sparked my thinking to next ask "What does she want from me that I CAN give?"

Thank you dobro, yes, it's not her fault that I have these bottons she pushes. okay, I'll look at that.

Thank you for this site, hollis, this is new to me.
---

Thank you all so much. I am so grateful for our friendship.

[frank_r]

Hello Rosada,

When getting 17 I always think of the quantum jump of water. More about "the path between hexagrams"(http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/showthread.php?t=2533)

With 17 you can learn what it is to stay into the flow of life, with this expierence you can learn to stay in your own force and power. Even on a more fundamental level than before

And with the changing lines 3 and 4 especially on the level of communication as human.

So I would say, try to stay in contact with your sister but never leave your own essence. When you and your sister can do that together this will be the greatest gift to your mother.