A guy...again; 51->55, 35->21

[moonrise]

Hi, everyone,
I need your help again. I don't know how to make this story shorter...I apologize for a long post, but still I hope you can help me out here.
I have a problem with this friend of mine, there has been a break up, and I feel he simply has been misjudging me for a long long time. This plus my naivety has caused some problems before and you've been of great help here.

The thing is, that I love the guy. Very very much. But this is not about being with him, having a relationship with him, he is more like a guide to me...he is 40 years older.

The fact that I love him is not a problem. What is the problem is that he's been thinking, from the very beginning, that that meant I wanted to be with him, be his girlfriend.

Then I explained and the air was cleared but now he's been so cold, ignoring me.
I hoped we could leave the past behind and still be friends, but I guess it is not happening.

I don't want to loose him as my friend but I am afraid I have.

Now, well, I am simply insulted a little. When I look back, I see how much he did impose on me, he had this ideas about me which he never let me clear for him. On many thing he was not listening to me, simply because he is stubborn. He is so convinced that he is right. On many things he is right, but on some essential things he's been wrong.
About my love for him for sure.

There is this burn in my heart because of all this...I was so naive and not standing up for myself when it was time; now it is too late but I still feel I would like to write and just tell him that his stubborness is not always "being true to himself" but simply stubborness and not ready to listen. That he has his mind limitations too, his projections of which he was accusing me all this time.

First I asked Yi Jing: what to do about this guy, how to proceed?

I got 51.1.3, changing to 55.

I don't know what it says...the first line seems ot be saying to just let this happen, and things will get better by themselves.
Then the third says: if the shock makes you do something, the unhappinness will not follow.
I think it refers to the spirit - the shock must make your spirit more alive.

I understood that this is a chance to become more integrated, learn from past mistakes and let go.

But still...there is this bug in me, I am almost angry at the guy that he has been so self absorbed. I feel I should tell him, maybe he needs to hear it, too.

I asked Yi Jing: should I write to him and explain how I see all this?

I got 35.1 - changing into 21

The first line says to stay calm but to do what is right even if I don't meet with understanding. This hexagram is about sun coming up...I feel like things need to get out in the open.
I guess 21 suggest biting through, too, to just bite and chew the obstacle.

I don't know...should I write or should I just let it go?

Can you help here, please?

[rosada]

From The I Ching on Love, by Guy Damian Knight:

35.1 You are developing your situation with a good heart. If other people do not live up to your optimistic and good-natured approach, there is nothing for you to do but to continue. Do not, however, be tempted to enter into any conflicting situations.

Hope this helps,
Rosada

[moonrise]

This helps a lot, Rosada, thank you!

I would be still very grateful for insights about 51...I should probably just stay centered and not get myself too involved, right?

It hurts me to loose this friend, it is hard to just stay calm and observe.

[stuart]

I think that the hexigram is refering to a sudden change in your relationship(CLEARING THE AIR).I think it would do you no harm to let things pass for the moment.I also think this will bring you a greater understanding of the situation.A permanent change for the better and a greater understanding between you and your friend.I also hope there is a knock on your door
to discuss this.If you are both well suited then it would be a shame to spoil your friendship.I see pride getting in the way and someone may regret not resolving the situation.Perhaps you need to show more independance to bring a better understanding in the future.I think hex 35 line 1 is refering to you unable to resolve this as yet.However by being calm;the other person will eventually understand and respond-perhaps then the better understanding produces a equal friendship not based on any hope of romance.

[bruce]

Whoa, 40 years is a wide gap. But hell, us older goats could use a good lesson once in awhile, even if it does come from someone young enough to be our granddaughter.

55, 21, 51.3 - just do it. The lesson will learn him good. And if not, at least you will have gotten it off your chest.

[moonrise]

Hi, everyone,

thank you for your answers.

I feel I should tell him, but I am afraid he would be just annoyed. I still do not wich to provoque him into anger or chase him away even more.

But I still feel so misunderstood...

I started a kind of email, I didn't send it yet.
I asked Yi Jing again: should I send this email, express myself?

I got: 19.2 -> 24

I got this combination before when asking a similar question about him...

19 seems good, second line promises good fortune and with 24 there is a new beginning, maybe just for me...What do you think? Please, advise me.

Thank you

[rosada]

Yes/no questions are always tricky to decipher. Plus, are you sure your question adequately covers what you want to know? Reads to me like you are asking the I Ching, "Would this email be expressing myself?" And you get a responce that says, "Yes indeedy, this email will get your point accross." But.....? Aren't you really wanting more here than just self expression? Aren't you wanting to revive the connection? Maybe a different question would give you a more useful answer. How about, "What would be the result of my sending this e-mail?" Or, "What is the most important attitude to adopt at this time in regards to X?" Or, "What is the potential of my relationship with X?"

What ever you hope to achieve with your email, I find it useful to first visualize what it is you want to hear back from the other person. Like, imagine your friend saying, "I am so glad you wrote!" Then re-read your message and evaluate whether it would naturally lead to that sort of responce. If not, twick it until you can feel it would.

Incidentally, the I Ching tends to always give me reasons why I should slow down and re-think my intentions to the point where I now have a motto, "If you have to ask permission, the answer is always no!" So having said all this, I add that I also like Bruce's suggestion that you just Do It!

Rosada

[bruce]

I believe what 19.2 -> 24 is telling you, Moonrise, is to find and return to your own center and source. Together with your inner peace you will find the assurance to express yourself candidly, and from this position you succeed in expressing yourself clearly to this man. His reaction is for HIM to work though; you are not responsible for that. Your honest thoughts are yours to work through and express, and that's all that should concern you here.

[moonrise]

Hi, Roasada,

thank you for your input. You are right, I am afraid of what it would turn out, I feel he will be annoyed with my letter. I do wish he would still accept me as his friend.

I am almost sure that he will never say: I am glad you wrote. Most probably, in the best case, he will just say that maybe he understands. But I am almost sure he will not communciatw with me any more. These emails are tiresome for him, because he simple doesn't care so much and doesn't want to spend more energy on this.

But for me this is important...I let things go this far, I need to express it.
Yes, with fear that he will withdraw completely.

I followed your advice and I asked Yi Jing: what would sending this email to him mean for our communication? Where would it go from that point?

I got 30 unchanging.
I feel it would simply put more light on the situation, clear things. No more wrong assumptions. Is that right? What does 30 suggest?

Thank you for your time.