47 > 63, relationship. Please, help...

[sollina]

Hello,
anyone who could help me with this one?

I'm in a long relationship with a guy who's going through a divorce. She's complicating everything, he doesn't want to move things but wants her to finish it up. She's slow and selfish, complicating lives of everyone, including the kids.

We (he+I) have an excellent understanding in absolutely every way, I have never had anyone with whom things are so good but the whole situation is becoming exhausting. I feel as if I am living his life insted of having life of my own with him.

My question here was "which attitude am I supposed to take in the whole mess in order to make our relationship actually work". If there is anything that can be done, at all...

Please, help me, I feel so tired and lost.

Thank you..

[trojan]

I'd always be skeptical that it is 'her' who is making it all so complicated - he would say that wouldn't he, 'she is selfish' blah blah why believe him ? 47 advises not to trust words so I wouldn't get involved in all his speeches, its as complex as he makes it. IOW what oppresses you now needn't, you need to shake off depression and a feeling of helplessness, and also shake off his depression and helplessness, there does sound like alot of whining about 'her' from him - have the final result you want in mind.

[my_key]

Sollina
I would agree with Trojan.
You have created a reality that is dragging you down. Don't create a prison around yourself. Try to leave this behind and focus on the good things that are going on. Follow your heart, open your mind and start living life to the full.

Love and hugs

Mike

[sollina]

Thanks guys, thanks so much.

Hm... you do have the point that he is whining about her a lot, that's true, I've never thought of that...

But it is the fact that she is selfish and egocentric. She knows that the children love me, and doesn't refrain from asking me to take care of them just so she could have some time off. I accept it because I like them and... that could be the prison I've been holding myself in. She's manipulating them, manipulating me just as well and I am running around in circles I don't know how to break free from.

He does make speeches, I'm not completely sure if everything he presents is for real or if he is also responsible for the complexity of the situation.

I do want to start feeling better but I don't know if I should confront him or just withdraw from the whole mess and leave things to themselves, so whatever happens happens...

[trojan]

Thanks guys, thanks so much.

Hm... you do have the point that he is whining about her a lot, that's true, I've never thought of that...

But it is the fact that she is selfish and egocentric. She knows that the children love me, and doesn't refrain from asking me to take care of them just so she could have some time off. I accept it because I like them and... that could be the prison I've been holding myself in. She's manipulating them, manipulating me just as well and I am running around in circles I don't know how to break free from.

He does make speeches, I'm not completely sure if everything he presents is for real or if he is also responsible for the complexity of the situation.

I do want to start feeling better but I don't know if I should confront him or just withdraw from the whole mess and leave things to themselves, so whatever happens happens...

I think the main thing is you recover from the sense of hopelessness you feel and maybe stop adapting to others needs, stand back and regain strength of spirit. 47 isn't a good time for talking from either of you i don't think and though i don't know the situation i can imagine theres this long term drama between them and you are now a player in it too - or rather their player. The advice in 47 is however bad the circumstances seem don't let it grind you down - follow your will. You have an agenda, an outcome you want, focus on that. Theres many changing lines in 47 so maybe this down time is on the brink of change and things coming together in place eventually (63) but here i think your actions will speak louder than words however you put that into practice.

[sollina]

I think the main thing is you recover from the sense of hopelessness you feel and maybe stop adapting to others needs, stand back and regain strength of spirit. 47 isn't a good time for talking from either of you i don't think and though i don't know the situation i can imagine theres this long term drama between them and you are now a player in it too - or rather their player. The advice in 47 is however bad the circumstances seem don't let it grind you down - follow your will. You have an agenda, an outcome you want, focus on that. Theres many changing lines in 47 so maybe this down time is on the brink of change and things coming together in place eventually (63) but here i think your actions will speak louder than words however you put that into practice.

Yes, everything you say is right. I definitely am a player, a very significant one and I don't think it should be so. But the thing is that I always feel that by getting involved with him I have accepted to play my part. I have this strange feeling of obligation. To whom - I'm not so sure.

I definitely should regain my life because I have the feeling that I have been living theirs instead.

I'll try to act and not to talk. I am not sure if I can trust his perception of reality (I don't think he's lying. It's more that I have a feeling that he actualy has his vision of reality which does not correspond with the truth. Is it possible from the hex.?) and I cannot talk with him under those circumstances, either. And, obviously, I shouldn't.

Thanks a lot.

[magictortoise]

Perhaps you should put the whole thing on hold until the divorce is complete. When he is freed up then you can go on with your relationship. Not that you are breaking up with him. He needs to understand that this is a temporary hold until he concludes the divorce, that your feelings haven't changed, that it is more a practical step to make the whole process smoother for him and YOU. This just might cause him to take a firmer stance with the wife.

One thing is clear from line 1 moving is that you can't remain in this exhausting situation. So I think putting things on hold is a good compromise.

Best regards,
Ken Wanamaker

[willowfox]

You are exhausting yourself with his problems, therefore take a step backwards and do not get yourself so involved in matters that you can do nothing about anyway.

[sollina]

Yes, I guess so...

Taking step backwards, putting things on hold untill things get sorted out... The hex. speaks of getting back to myself and that is what I desperately need to do. The thing is that I'd really hate to lose what I have with him or rather what I think I could have. The present situation is not good anyway for what's the point of maintaining a situation in which I basically do not exist... I was a bit confused with so many moving lines but I guess things are in progress.

Thanks a lot everyone.