Another relationship nut to crack

[ladyganesha]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this community and have really enjoyed the opportunity to share with others about their issues, especially as they relate to answers given by the ICHING.

I also am in a relationship limbo. It is a complicated story to tell but essentially I met this man on line who was suffering from the same kind of mental illness that I have suffered from in the past. I have miraculously become free of all symptoms without ever having seen a psychiatrist or taken any medication. I completely put my faith in the IC to help me navigate the problem and it is incredible how the Sage will lead you to safety if you follow the path of truth.

So this man who is still very stuck in this mental illness came to see me several times over the course of the past year and I have grown very affectionate towards him. He had to drive 16 hours one way. Finally, we decided that I should come and live with him. I felt that he was sincerely trying to do everything it would take to cure himself, but he has no knowledge of the IC and no faith that it really was the way that I cured my own problem. Months ago when I asked the IC about coming here I got 61 line 6 and 17 line 4. I chose to ignore those warnings I guess, I didn't see then how they applied to my question.

So now I am here and the wonderful loving man who I thought was Mr. Right is now a real Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde.

I told him (them) that I wasn't happy being his lover half of the day and his enemy the other half of the day. I told him I wanted to go back to my old home and end this relationship. He said okay but refuses to take me home and refuses to talk to me about the problems we are having. It has been a month now and he just won't entertain any discussion of taking me home.

I am totally financially dependent on him and have no money saved, no car, and no job. He controls my life in everyway. I wouldn't mind this too much if he were always the superior man that I came to trust, but there is this other part of him that goes crazy--deluded by notions that I am out to get him. When he gets those delusions, he acts as if it is really true and keeps me at a distance and emotionally punishes me.

I just did the ICHING asking "what do I do now?"
and I was surprised to get 45 line 4 changing to 8. Since 8 says "ask the oracle again whether you are a leader or a follower" I did that and got 38 lines 3 and 5 changing to 1.

Also today when I woke up and did my daily IC reading I got 30 lines 4,5 changing to 37.

If feels like the Sage is asking me to be tolerant of the mental illness that my lover has, and be patient with it because things will work out okay. But since he isn't really doing anything to cure his problem, I can't see how it can work out for us.
Lady

[kevin]

Hi Lady

There were a couple of things in your post which gave me concern.

I am a Clinical Manager in the Mental Health field.

Please email me if you would welcome some private comments / discussion.

Warmly

--Kevin

[martin]

Hi Ladyganesha (what a beautiful name http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif),

The answers that you received suggest to me that it's perhaps okay to continue the relationship with your partner but living together is not a good idea now. It's important that you have your own life.
I think by the way, independent of what the Yi says, that living together with a partner who has serious psychological problems is nearly always inadvisable.
You wrote "He controls my life in every way". Yes, that is what often happens in situations like this.
Contrary to what one might expect, the supposedly "weak" partner who has problems and needs help becomes the boss. The other side of the coin is that the "strong" partner, the helper, is often insufficiently aware of the emotional damage that is inflicted on her or him in the process.
Be careful ...

[gene]

Ladyganesha

(And I agree, it is a beautiful name!)

First off, I believe Kevin has a very important and valuable message for you, which it might be wise to consider.

That being said, I think the I Ching is throwing the question back to you. Line 4 is attempting to bring about unity for the sake of his "Ruler," and what did you say about him? He totally controls you. Are you playing the savior role here? Is that really a good idea? Notice that line 4 and line 1, which line four has a connection with, are in their improper places. It would appear to me that your relationship is in improper places also. You appear to be attempting to play savior to someone who is totally controlling you. Is it working? Just things to think about in this context.

Now look at the third line of hexagram 38 line 3. Master Ni translates this as, "action is curbed, and movement is restrained..." Does that sound like your relationship?

Best wishes in this situation.
Gene

[ladyganesha]

If I were the Sage giving the answer to my situation, I might have chosen 47 line 3. I feel like I have created a problem in my life that didn't need to be. Interesting that 47 line 3 changes to 28. And 28 is what I resist at a deep level.

My gut tells me that I must leave this situation before I no longer have any ability to do so. But it might already be too late. I entertain the illusion that I am safe here, despite the prison, and better off than being on my own. I have to say that living in this prison is somewhat comfortable because I literally do nothing all day but write and study and meditate which is what I love. By leaving this prison, I would have to carve out a way to make a living, and I must forego the luxury of never having to hassle the outer world. As long as I stay here and obey the rules I have everything I need taken care of, and an ogre at the gate making sure that nothing harms me from 'out there'. My lover/warden has plenty of money and I have just come from poverty to this. If I go back now, I will be dependent on relatives and that will make me feel ashamed. I am looking for another option that may not exist.

I wonder if the Sage doesn't have all this in mind. I am emotionally battered but beyond that I don't think my lover is dangerous or violent. He simply believes that there are unseen forces that are always after him, and he thinks that they 'get to me' as well without my knowing it. I am not sure that I am playing the savior here, but I do think I was duped by him into believing that he was truly looking for a way to overcome this acute paranoia and chronic delusional thinking. I was cursed with this for 15 years, but became free of it more than a year ago. What a relief it has been. But now I reinvented it in my life by being involved with him.

One thing that I think is very odd about him. He seems almost immature sexually, even though he is nearly 50 years old. He gets embarassed when I mention anything about sex, and he is very uncomfortable being undressed in front of me. If I get flirty with him and actively pursue a seductive role, he becomes furious, believing that I am evil and trying to gain control over him. But on the other hand, there seems to be this ritual with him where he needs me to be emotionally hurt and vulnerable so that he can, after punishing me, sort of cozy up and make up. This is a real turn on for him, and he loves to have sex with me after I have been crying and feel totally lost and alone in the world.

I suppose what I am acting out in my life is a grand version of hexagram 36 with no changing lines.
Lady