26>40 , 48>5 love or run?

[kamiko]

Hi guys,

I'm totally new here ,and a foreigner, so i hope to be able to express myself clearly enough.I have been envolved in a love relatioship with a man whom i met 22 years ago, when i was living overseas.It was a rather short and unsuccessfull affair , as he was engaged.Last year i found him in the internet and we started mailing , our feeling flourished.Now he is divorced but seems to like his freedom.This year we met , there good times and tough moments, but when i was coming back to my country , he wanted to go on with our bond.I was in two minds, as i felt we could have steyed together much more than we did.Apart from that , i think he's quite inflexible as for his own space , his independence. He mailed to me , expressing longing, but that sounden like ;ok, now that you are gone, i can talk about missing you.Some days ago he mailed that he loved me, i could not bring myself to being as spontaneous as before.I still care, but i am emotionally stuck.Consequently, he has become silent, or even harsh.

Today i asked I Ching
1. What attitude i should take now, got 17.6 > 25
2. Diagnosis of the relationship, i got 12.1.3> 13
3. His position in the relatioship , 9.3>61
4. His feelings 63.4.6 >13
5. My position in the realtionship 28 unchanged

Could you please help me : is it more to stay in the relationship and try, or give um straight away?

Gratefull for any insight
kamiko:rant:

Don't know

[kamiko]

sorry, that redfaced furious guy next to my signature was a work accident :)))

[willowfox]

1. What attitude i should take now, got 17.6 > 25

This suggests that you should work with him to see where the relationship goes, a need to accept him as he is, and a need for complete openness.

3. His position in the relationship , 9.3>61

This shows that he wants to move forward with this relationship, but you are stopping him.

5. My position in the realtionship 28 unchanged

This shows that you are under a great deal of pressure, you really need to ease up.

[kamiko]

Willowfox,

Thanks a million for being so quick and precise, and you've got me :) the pressure has been great not only because of the indecision about which direction to take with my feelings (i became defencively rational), but also because there seemed to be so little we really agreed upon, like the way we sense openness.I used to make questions,by mail, sometimes very plain, spontaneous, whatever i needed to know. Thinking asking would be good and enough.So, in the end he said he wouldn't answer them, because that was a sign of my insecurity (swallowed that one :)) He is the type of man who thinks (or has thought) that if a woman asks wether he loves her or not that's also a sign of insecurity.On the whole, what he considers v.attractive in a person is self-esteem.I stopped asking questions and became sort of intense, and now really insecure ,as i have the feeling that being as i am won't be appealling enough.What also makes me back off a little is that he keeps saying that he is a bad boy - women, women, just sex for 6 years after divorce - (tough to accept as it is :)))), worth nothing , "but he's mine". Makes me wonder.Being sort of romantic myself i started feeling the pressure you are now pointing to. Just before leaving, at the airport, he said i should analyse all that happened btw us in reasonable, cold-blooded way, let my emotions cool down and then see(if my feelings will still be there?)( I resented that kind of goodbye).Then,when my silence or retainment became obvious, he wrote an email in which he sounded like longing for the "old" sincerity, open heartedness,etc. Unfortunately, i wasn't riding the same wave :( Yeasterday i finally managed to cry a lot , what a load off! :) and...
today i asked the I Ching :

What consequences will there be in my realationship with X if i write him today all that has made me back off (including.... a secret) ?

I got a stunning answer, knocked me down, actually .It is 37.6>9
Familly context ??? Wow, he keeps repeating on and on that another marriage (has been 3 times) is TOTALLY out of question( an informal one included). He has never introduced a woman to his kids, not ME, at least .

Does IC tell me that if i follow exacly his will (and that has been a problem : i am european, he's latin :))), things will work out fine?

And should i consider the 2-nd line of hexagram 9 too? it says: don't push forward, don't say too much?

Heeeelp?

Kamiko

[diamanda]

Dear Kamiko, taking everything that you've written into account, i would
personally run for the hills as fast as i could.... Sorry to have to say this,
but i can't see even one tiny positive thing in there - except if you do love
drama, and you wouldn't mind to have your heart heavily manipulated and
deceived, and badly trampled upon. :-/

[kamiko]

Thank you very much Diamanda , i see your point , just for the record : line 6 of the hexagram 37 , that talks about being the centre of the Family , should be understood like being I Ching's mirror i should look at myself in and see if it could bring me happiness?
Otherwise i lost track of its message.

Any help on that , if it is possible?

[diamanda]

It sounds to me that you did the best thing, to back off (12:1), and that made him
feel bad (12:3) because he seems to know that his push/pull games with you were
wrong, since he doesn't want to be with you. 37:6 is a line which speaks about
sincerity, dignity, respect. If you write to him, he will probably respect you for it,
although this will not change the situation between you, it will not have any other
significant effect (9). Perhaps then the message to you here is that if you make a
dignified exit from the situation, you will keep your self-esteem intact, and maybe
even you two can remain friends (13), if that's something you'd like to do.

[kamiko]

Hi,
my sense of justice made me come back here and, knowing how sensitive and extremely hospitable He was during my stay at his place, i am now taking into consideration the possibility of his disapointment - all in all our fascination started when we were so much younger, and was not the result of current life's circumstances ( like:the affection is real, but it's more a rememberance than a flare). I can still remeber his promise -before my leaving-that he will never lose me again, whatever the meaning...
Just to make peace with myself , and with I Ching's previous answers, i asked :

What were X's intentions when he wrote that warm mail to me?
77
I got 59 unchanged, which makes me think of Willowfox's hint on the need of openness.
Or it a message for me? Like let go of the subject itself.

I am sorry to be so insistant, i wouldn't like to be unfair.

Thanks again for all your help so far:)

[willowfox]

Hex 59 is about bringing people together by removing the obstacles that keep them apart, so he could do with a change of attitude, drop the arrogance and remove of all selfish behaviour as a start to a good relationship. The need to work together toward a common goal, cooperation.

[willowfox]

What consequences will there be in my realationship with X if i write him today all that has made me back off (including.... a secret) ?

37.6>9

Tell the true and he will see you in a much better light, after you send the message bide your time and wait for something positive to come out of your actions.

[kamiko]

Willowfox, i loved your answer,sound so much me, but, what a shame , the answer i got to
What consequences will there be if i write to him ?
was hex 37.2>9 , i just checked on that (look at my red face!:)))

It talks about the woman being the centre of the Family, about feeding it , provided that she follows the husbands will.Could that mean that if i took his warmth and lack of arrogance of his letest mail (=his will) into account, things went smoother?

Anyway, i feel much attracted to you present suggestion, thank you from my heart.

kaiko

[willowfox]

What consequences will there be in my relationship with X if i write him today all that has made me back off (including.... a secret) ?

37.2 > 9

Oh dear, didn't notice the mistake. Your question was about the consequences of your actions, so the result will be that after a period of time he will react positively to what you have said to him

[kamiko]

Hi, just for the feedback, i thought you might want to know : i was just about to write something to him (not knowing what exactly), when a message from him came unexpectedly saying he was attending his agonizing brother , and that later he will talk about feelings (or with more feelings).
Uffffa! You probably can imagine my joy, whatever comes next :)))

Thanks again to both of you
Kaiko