A difficult situation

[harriett]

Hi.
I need some help, I am in a sticky mess. I have asked I ching how to handle the situation, but am not sure how to understand it, and maybe some of you can assist me.

It is about my relationship with my mother, and a certain issue that keeps coming up. namely money.
Today she asked me to lend her a considerable amount of money. I don't want to but am finding it impossible to say no. I have lent her before, and she has not ever paid back. Sometimes she tells me that she has no money to buy food, pay bills etc. I lend/give her money, then later she shows me books, clothes or other things she has bought for it...
She has borrowed money from most of the family and never paid back. Gotten hold of credit card numbers and used them without being allowed to. It is as if she can't tell the difference between what is hers and other peoples. If she is questioned or confronted she becomes furious, starts talking about what she has done for me, how ungrateful I am etc.

I really don't know what to do. I am already blacklisted at one phonecompany for letting her register in my name, she of course never paid, borrows money that she later tells me, she wont pay back because in fact I owe her, which I don't. I can't reason with her. I am a student and a single mother myself and can not afford this. It isn't like she is getting thrown out of her apartment, no this time she wants a new computer!!

What do I do, how do I interpret hexagram 25 in my situation?

[jesed]

Hi Harriet:
Just in case the comment could be useful:


"Untie" yourself from this situation

Best wishes

[julie]

Be honest with her. Tell her why you don't want to loan her the money. Do it in a simple, innocent way -- don't look for any particular outcome, just be who you are. Don't try to convince her. Just tell her how you feel, and act out of that.

[dobro]

"how do I interpret hexagram 25 in my situation?"

Hex 25 is about letting go of plague states, in this case, the way your mum keeps borrowing money and getting you into trouble. But I want to recast that. The problem isn't how your mum keeps borrowing money and getting you into trouble; no, the problem is how you keep lending money to your mum, who's got a proven bad track record with personal loans from you, and how that continues to get you into trouble. Your mum isn't the problem; you're the problem. Until, that is, you finally find a way to get over this: "I don't want to but am finding it impossible to say no."

See, if you learn to say no, you're not saying no to your mum; you're learning to say no to 'here I am doing the same stupid thing over again with no one to blame but myself'.

[harriett]

Thank you all for your answers. All true. I know she won't change, I'll have to change my own attitude and say no. Explain why not, and let that be it. I am afraid of her reaction and her guilttrip, she's very good at those. I'm even afraid she will not speak to me. She called me just now to talk about it, and I found a reason to hang up. I became very anxious and hot all over. I really hate this. But it has to be done. I'll write her a mail, probably easier that way, then I wont have to listen to her reproaches.

I am greatful for your answers.

http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif

[julie]

25 is all about resisting guilt trips. Who you are is good enough. Not necessarily good enough to get the results you want -- none of us can guarantee that -- but deeply, profoundly good enough. Good enough even if your mom stops talking to you. Good enough even while she lays the guilt trip on. Good enough even while you feel terrible.

Convince yourself of that the best you can, and fill yourself with a calm sense of why you don't want to loan her the money. Treat yourself gently and with love, and treat her the same way. Tell her, and let the chips fall where they may. It's just not in your power to make everything come out okay. What is in your power is to be fully who you are, and love that person as best you can.

[dobro]

25 is not "all about resisting guilt trips". But guilt trips are included in 25. 25 is all about not allowing yourself to get involved in all sorts of afflicted states of mind, afflicted states of emotion, afflicted behaviors. 25 is as much about letting go of anger as it is about letting go of guilt.

[harriett]

Hi again.
I finally wrote a mail to my mother this weekend.
Explained to her that this was a very difficult situation for me, but that previous experiences had taught me not to lend her money again. That the money I have is for me and my daughter.

I would love for her to have a new computer, but that I couldn't help her.

I told her I was afraid of her reaction and that I hoped it wouldn't effect our relationship.

She replied that it was quite alright, I shouldn't be worried.

I am so glad this is over, now there probably won't be more moneyproblems between us again.

Thanks!

[julie]

Terrific! Congratulations.