pedro
October 7th, 2003, 12:19 PM
Hey everyone,
Im sorry I haven't been very participative lately, but there have been other things on my mind. And I've also started talking less and doing more, so I had to set my priorities straight.
Anyway, I have been having so much new experiences that I want to share a bit of it with you, hoping for your comments and the account of your own experiences in this field.
Ive never been a disciplined meditator, but in the midst of my undisciplined practice, I think Ive managed to keep evolving, in the spiritual sense, over the times. Lately my progress has been more noticeable to me, as Ive had experiences that illustrate the core of the concepts I was familiar with for so long but never really grasped in its entirety. I have known the theory for years, but only now I have been able to start putting it to practice, and in a sense its like discovering things for the first time. Like the Buddha told, we can know the concepts, but we can only grasp their meanings by investigating them in the first person. Until we look inside, and really feel it, they remain mere words.
In the last months I developed my consciousness of the real *I*, how it was a different entity from my ego, how it could observe the ego, and Ive worked a lot in releasing myself from the tyranny of this ego (maybe some of you remember my hex.59 phase). Ive learned new ways of dealing with desire (a natural thing, resulting from our nature) and craving (an unnatural reaction, based on our misconceptions). I started to sense what non-being was about, at times there was no *I* doing the things, only being. I started to realize that the real strength can only come from trusting the spiritual forces, opening ourselves to god, to this infinite strength. All this together with the consciousness that just being yang wont make me attain my goals, and that letting myself "be led like sheep" more often is the way.
I rediscovered a book I had since ten years or so, about Edgar Cayce, and realized that the whole process Ive been feeling has a striking resemblance with his description of the inspiration phases of the kundalini awakening. I realized I had started this process many times but always gave up on the "stumbling phase" (6th out of 8). This time I wanted to go further, and Ive been trying to follow the advice he gives: keep going, keep calling for god, the spirit, and He will come.
I have also been able to progress in my meditation, guiding myself through it, much more than following any set of rules or practices, and its about some recent experiences in this field that I want to talk about.
One thing I had already noticed was that after some time meditating, when one was deep enough immersed, a change in lighting seemed to occur. At some point the clarity (no pun intended http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif) would increase, like if one was outside and a cloud just left its way in front of the sun. Most of the times, just noticing this clarity would make it go away.
For a long time I didnt pay much attention to it, but then a couple of days ago something happened. I was doing my lazy man's meditation, which is whenever I feel like, and surely the light started to shine and this time I was able to leave it "on".
Now the first interesting thing I noticed was that this time the light came from above. Previously it was more of an overall clarity, but now it seemed like something shining above me.
Since it came from above, I thought maybe this is not some visual hallucination of some kind, but maybe this was the god's nature shinning on me. Maybe it was the passage, the light shinning on the end of the tunnel! So I decided to go after the light. It was a natural feeling, I tried to stabilize myself in that vision, and open my heart and mind to it. So the light started increasing in intensity and then suddenly it was all around.
I was looking out the window of my apartment, like I usually do, where I face a chapel, some houses, and an abandoned field covered with that strong weed full of thorns (name?) that grows everywhere (I like to focus on green stuff when I meditate). So suddenly the light just bursts open and over everything. It all became shiny, and I could see everything like it was a really sunny day (which it wasn't, sky was cloudy). Everything was extremely clear, its shapes so well determined, the angles, the forms, the colors, everything vibrant under this light. My perception was immensely expanded; I could understand everything (or so I thought) without the slightest effort. There were no doubts, no need to ask anything, no need to reason and yet I could comprehend everything. There was also a feeling of, lets say, sadness, but not quite (more like a resigned disillusion, but more on this later).
Anyway, this sensation only lasted with this intensity for a brief moment. I was able to return to it many times on that occasion, but on equally short moments, and afterwards I found I could still get there after a few minutes of meditation, but always as a fleeting experience.
Later, thinking about it, I came to an opinion about what the light is. First let me remind that we dont see things as they really are (in the physical sense) but how we think they are. When we are young, our prejudices still unformed, then each new thing we see is presented in all its splendor. But immediately we choose one side of it to pay attention, the side that appealed to us in some way, and as a result, the next time we are faced with the same object, we will let the previous memory of it, the preconception we made, prevent us from seeing it again in its globalness, as if for the first time, or in other words: as it really is. So wherever we lay our eyes on, we are not seeing the reality of what is there, but a mental construction, a deturpation of it, as sure as if we watch it through a deforming lens.
So I think the light is the result of shutting off of this ego-deformation, and watching things dispassionately, as they really are, crystal clear, no ego involved. When the ego stops, our eyes can see so much more, everything clear cut, straight lines become straight, shapes are definite, colors are brilliant independent of our preferences, of what we would like to see (there is no preference as to what we would like to see, so we dont trick our senses).
The light isnt sunny (yellow) bright, its more like a cold (white) light. Even a sunny light would be a result of an ego deformation (I do love the sun http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif), so this is just a simple light, not bad in any way but also not good in any way. It just is, and this is the hardest to put in words.
And thats also how I interpret that odd sensation. Im not used to have the ego out of the equation, and that was the release I was feeling. It was a good sensation, and I felt no loss whatsoever by discarding the ego, but there were vestiges of a sad feeling, perhaps just the result of the usual ego consolations not being available: there were no pain killers, just the reality of existence. In fact I couldnt sense any feeling at all, not approval, not dismissal, and as a result everything gained such aided depth.
I think I had a fleeting glimpse of what one aspect of enlightenment must be: seeing everything under this light, no judgments, no ego confrontations, no illusions. How would it be to be ALWAYS like this? I realise I wont ever know unless I practice with "steadfast perseverance", there are no short cuts and I cant expect my lazyness to bare fruits, but I think I was blessed with a taste of what there is on the other side, of what I should aim for.
Now what I find really motivating is that there was no big effort of my part to reach that vision. Of course this was just a taste, and maybe this is no more than my own illusion, a mental trip of some sort. But the truth is this experience marked me, and it has convinced me that some evolutionary step in this life is not only possible but quite close if one actually tries to reach it.
So, not pretending to be some sort of pre-enlightened person (Im actually quite skeptic this has relevance to anyone but myself), but actually asking for guidance and opinions, to try and figure out what Im going through, what do you guys make of this? Has anyone seen this light? Had similar feelings? Or should I just cut the dose on whatever it is Im taking?
Im sorry I haven't been very participative lately, but there have been other things on my mind. And I've also started talking less and doing more, so I had to set my priorities straight.
Anyway, I have been having so much new experiences that I want to share a bit of it with you, hoping for your comments and the account of your own experiences in this field.
Ive never been a disciplined meditator, but in the midst of my undisciplined practice, I think Ive managed to keep evolving, in the spiritual sense, over the times. Lately my progress has been more noticeable to me, as Ive had experiences that illustrate the core of the concepts I was familiar with for so long but never really grasped in its entirety. I have known the theory for years, but only now I have been able to start putting it to practice, and in a sense its like discovering things for the first time. Like the Buddha told, we can know the concepts, but we can only grasp their meanings by investigating them in the first person. Until we look inside, and really feel it, they remain mere words.
In the last months I developed my consciousness of the real *I*, how it was a different entity from my ego, how it could observe the ego, and Ive worked a lot in releasing myself from the tyranny of this ego (maybe some of you remember my hex.59 phase). Ive learned new ways of dealing with desire (a natural thing, resulting from our nature) and craving (an unnatural reaction, based on our misconceptions). I started to sense what non-being was about, at times there was no *I* doing the things, only being. I started to realize that the real strength can only come from trusting the spiritual forces, opening ourselves to god, to this infinite strength. All this together with the consciousness that just being yang wont make me attain my goals, and that letting myself "be led like sheep" more often is the way.
I rediscovered a book I had since ten years or so, about Edgar Cayce, and realized that the whole process Ive been feeling has a striking resemblance with his description of the inspiration phases of the kundalini awakening. I realized I had started this process many times but always gave up on the "stumbling phase" (6th out of 8). This time I wanted to go further, and Ive been trying to follow the advice he gives: keep going, keep calling for god, the spirit, and He will come.
I have also been able to progress in my meditation, guiding myself through it, much more than following any set of rules or practices, and its about some recent experiences in this field that I want to talk about.
One thing I had already noticed was that after some time meditating, when one was deep enough immersed, a change in lighting seemed to occur. At some point the clarity (no pun intended http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif) would increase, like if one was outside and a cloud just left its way in front of the sun. Most of the times, just noticing this clarity would make it go away.
For a long time I didnt pay much attention to it, but then a couple of days ago something happened. I was doing my lazy man's meditation, which is whenever I feel like, and surely the light started to shine and this time I was able to leave it "on".
Now the first interesting thing I noticed was that this time the light came from above. Previously it was more of an overall clarity, but now it seemed like something shining above me.
Since it came from above, I thought maybe this is not some visual hallucination of some kind, but maybe this was the god's nature shinning on me. Maybe it was the passage, the light shinning on the end of the tunnel! So I decided to go after the light. It was a natural feeling, I tried to stabilize myself in that vision, and open my heart and mind to it. So the light started increasing in intensity and then suddenly it was all around.
I was looking out the window of my apartment, like I usually do, where I face a chapel, some houses, and an abandoned field covered with that strong weed full of thorns (name?) that grows everywhere (I like to focus on green stuff when I meditate). So suddenly the light just bursts open and over everything. It all became shiny, and I could see everything like it was a really sunny day (which it wasn't, sky was cloudy). Everything was extremely clear, its shapes so well determined, the angles, the forms, the colors, everything vibrant under this light. My perception was immensely expanded; I could understand everything (or so I thought) without the slightest effort. There were no doubts, no need to ask anything, no need to reason and yet I could comprehend everything. There was also a feeling of, lets say, sadness, but not quite (more like a resigned disillusion, but more on this later).
Anyway, this sensation only lasted with this intensity for a brief moment. I was able to return to it many times on that occasion, but on equally short moments, and afterwards I found I could still get there after a few minutes of meditation, but always as a fleeting experience.
Later, thinking about it, I came to an opinion about what the light is. First let me remind that we dont see things as they really are (in the physical sense) but how we think they are. When we are young, our prejudices still unformed, then each new thing we see is presented in all its splendor. But immediately we choose one side of it to pay attention, the side that appealed to us in some way, and as a result, the next time we are faced with the same object, we will let the previous memory of it, the preconception we made, prevent us from seeing it again in its globalness, as if for the first time, or in other words: as it really is. So wherever we lay our eyes on, we are not seeing the reality of what is there, but a mental construction, a deturpation of it, as sure as if we watch it through a deforming lens.
So I think the light is the result of shutting off of this ego-deformation, and watching things dispassionately, as they really are, crystal clear, no ego involved. When the ego stops, our eyes can see so much more, everything clear cut, straight lines become straight, shapes are definite, colors are brilliant independent of our preferences, of what we would like to see (there is no preference as to what we would like to see, so we dont trick our senses).
The light isnt sunny (yellow) bright, its more like a cold (white) light. Even a sunny light would be a result of an ego deformation (I do love the sun http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/clipart/happy.gif), so this is just a simple light, not bad in any way but also not good in any way. It just is, and this is the hardest to put in words.
And thats also how I interpret that odd sensation. Im not used to have the ego out of the equation, and that was the release I was feeling. It was a good sensation, and I felt no loss whatsoever by discarding the ego, but there were vestiges of a sad feeling, perhaps just the result of the usual ego consolations not being available: there were no pain killers, just the reality of existence. In fact I couldnt sense any feeling at all, not approval, not dismissal, and as a result everything gained such aided depth.
I think I had a fleeting glimpse of what one aspect of enlightenment must be: seeing everything under this light, no judgments, no ego confrontations, no illusions. How would it be to be ALWAYS like this? I realise I wont ever know unless I practice with "steadfast perseverance", there are no short cuts and I cant expect my lazyness to bare fruits, but I think I was blessed with a taste of what there is on the other side, of what I should aim for.
Now what I find really motivating is that there was no big effort of my part to reach that vision. Of course this was just a taste, and maybe this is no more than my own illusion, a mental trip of some sort. But the truth is this experience marked me, and it has convinced me that some evolutionary step in this life is not only possible but quite close if one actually tries to reach it.
So, not pretending to be some sort of pre-enlightened person (Im actually quite skeptic this has relevance to anyone but myself), but actually asking for guidance and opinions, to try and figure out what Im going through, what do you guys make of this? Has anyone seen this light? Had similar feelings? Or should I just cut the dose on whatever it is Im taking?