Son of a Turtle? What Does It Mean? Ask Mr. Ping

[sunpuerh]

Tired of all that diviner advice? Ask Mr. Ping

{http://www.kowloontraders.com/ampmay17.html,

Dear Mr. Ping,

One of the most vile Chinese curses is to call someone "a son of a turtle." Why is this such a horrible curse and what does it mean?
Lotuspon

Dear Lotuspon,

After much research among my more inconsiderate bretheren, I have discovered many interesting things about the turtle. Originally, I had believed the turtle merely symbolized immortality and steadfastness, stone turtles being often used by the ancient emperors to hold their inscription tablets.
Imagine my surprise when I was told that the turtle was also considered a nasty immoral creature, because the word "turtle" in Chinese also sounds like the term for cuckolded husband. To wit, a "gui-gong" or tortoise master means "father of a whore." A "wu-gui" or black tortoise is a pimp; and tortoise, in street language, is a graphic metaphor for penis. GOU PI! I do not think I wish to talk anymore about this loathsome animal!

Sincerely,

Mr. Ping

[sunpuerh]

The Chinese Fortune Teller - (As related to Mr. Ping by Master Mok, a famous Hong Kong fortune Teller)

Hey Ping, long time no see !!! What have you been doing with yourself? My, don't we look well-fed this morning ... you even have egg in your beard ! No, I'm not doing too badly this year ... see, I even got a new jacket for Chinese New Year. See that on the back? I'm told that's a Spice Girl, whatever that is. My grandson wanted to borrow this jacket but I told him to get his own. Children today ... always wanting to get something for nothing !!!

Ok ok, I know you want an interview. As you know, I used to live in Shek Kip Mei, yeah, a real dump, even by Chinese standards. I was pretty poor, only had the clothes on my back practically, but I wanted to learn a real trade. None of that rickshaw stuff for me, thank you. Anyway, I had this neighbor, a real fortune teller by the name of Uncle Shu. He was quite a character, a huge smoker !!! I heard he even smoked while he's asleep. Anyway, after hanging around his house for a couple of months, he decided to take me as his apprentice ... he had no sons so I guess I became his No. One Boy.

The first thing I learned was how to train a Java sparrow to come out of its cage and pick up a guazhi (oracle paper) with its beak. That was tough because the first two birds I picked were pretty stupid. I was lucky with the third one ; it took me only 2 months to train him and he was a very pretty bird besides. Anyway, there are 36 pieces of oracle paper. When a customer asks for advice, the Java sparrow will pick a piece or oracle paper from the 36 papers available, and I would divine the customer's future according to the words and picture on the paper. At least, that was the idea. The first time I did it with a real customer, he drew a White Tiger, which is a harmful star in Chinese astrology. I was still kind of green in those days, so I told him he would have to burn lots of incense and bring 3 roast pigs to the temple and maybe a whole sack of grapefruit. Anyway, the customer got really upset ... he was poor, you see, and how on earth was he supposed to even get one roast pig for a sacrifice, much less a sack of grapefruit. As it turned out, Uncle Shu told him that a piece of raw pork would be fine, so everything turned out well in the end.

Anyway, that was 30 years ago and lots of things have changed. Before, it was mostly the older people who cared about such things, but now it's the young ones who come and see me here on Temple Street. By the way, do you know that I have a sideline in "building magic?" Yeah, I know, the Chinese have a curse for everything. But believe it or not: when a carpenter or a mason feels insulted by low pay or bad food, he will often put a curse on the house he's building. And he could use anything too: dice, knives, little dolls. I remember there was this case in Hung Shui Kui: the husband and wife murdered each other for no reason whatsoever. When the house was torn down, they found a clay knife hidden in the wall, pointing toward the bedroom. I tell you, some of these fellas can be right bastards. But my job is to figure out these curses and do counter-magic. Yeah, I've diversified, as they say.

[cheiron]

Hi Caroline

Is that your history for true?

You have come far.

I offer my respect.

Please explain.

I think there is something that you are saying here which is beyond the implicit.

Listenning and open.

--Kevin

[candid]

Sun, what an interesting site. Thanks.

[misslotusshoes]

The story, "The Fortune Teller was told to Mr. Ping by Master Mok, a famous Hong Kong fortune Teller).

Hello, Mr. Ping wishes me to say that he is old and tired now and that he has no sons but only this poor country cousin. We Chinese have as many cousins as you Americans from the south. I was looking for work in the Chinese-American Home Economic Department and Mr. Ping , a distinguished gentlemen with poor relatives, decided I might lighten the load so to speak.

Mr Ping wants you to know he is tired of I Ching questions but if you need good practical Chinese advice or recipes and occasional Chinese wisdom, I, Miss Lotus Shoes, will relay the questions to Mr. Ping.

Thank you,

MissLotusShoes

[sunpuerh]

Dear Cherion: You give me goosebumps! I seem to see romance everywhere, "The English Patient," "Cold Mountain"-I have seen too much of these movies!

Dear Candid, Kevin and all, I have never met a fortune teller but Master Ni's annotations to the hexagrams have the interesting origin We have an honorable profession-who else would be inexpensive, geared to the practical-marriage, birth, death, business? Yes, there something implicit. . So here's to the matchmakers and seers who shaped the fortunes of families for centuries and their archivists I celebrate the ordinary men and women such as the very funny. Mr Ping,who has written me (everthing he says is funny even in email).

Remember, Mr. Ping will never ask to sign a release.

Yours,

Sun

[lenardthefast]

Hi Sun,

Thank you VERY much for the link, but, most of all, thank you for the ambience which you bring to this site.

Namaste,
Leonard

[candid]

Leonard, welcome back!

[cheiron]

Hi Sunpuerh

Hmmm? I hope it is what I wrote and not I who gave you goosebumps?

But it is interesting you should have said that. When I read your powerful piece I suffered a frisson. I do not know why. I thought for quite a while and re-read yor piece a few times.

In the end I decided to write an open enquiry? maybe it was something in me.

Warmly

--Kevin

[sunpuerh]

Dear Miss Lotus Shoes:
I would very much like to consult Mr. Ping about the man I am supposed to be marrying. Since we are now in modern times, my proposed marriage was not arranged through a marriage broker now have our horoscopes been done. However, I went to fortune teller-diviner who told me that Hexagram 14 means "Your husband will be handsome but short." Well, I thought I had met a suitable young man but he was tall and soon the plum blossoms heavy with dew so to speak and we began to think of marriage. It was time for meeting the parents.

Well anyway, my parents live across the river and my young man rowed a boat across the river early one morning in order to meet them. Politely he decided it was too early to call them-it was still dark so he tied to boat to a post and climbed in the boat for a quick nap. Unfotunately my Auntie Wu's geese were out early that morning and a little drunk on some mash that had soured. The geese began quacking and carrying on as geese do and they spooked a horse that was nearby. Unfortunately my young man had not tied his boat to a post but to the horse's leg. (I think my young man may have a drinking problem) and the horse began to run with the boat clanking behind him. With the boat careening down the lane and knocking over the geese, my parents awoke and rushed out to see the commotion.

Unfortunately just then the horse, the boat, the geese and my fiance ran over my father who was knocked into our pond. My question is: Is this young man suitable for me or should I look for a shorter man? Should my young man pay Auntie Wu for the geese?

Happy New Year to you, Miss Lotus Shoes!

Faithfully yours,

Sun Pu Erh

[cheiron]

Definitely marry this one!

http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/messages/786/1530.gif

--Kevin

[frandoch]

Sun,

Magic.

[sunpuerh]

Dear Miss Lotus Shoes,

Since I had not yet heard from Mr. Ping, I returned to the fortune teller. He said that although this number 14 meant I should marry a short man, the old man, in between long drags on a clove cigarette, said that with such an auspicious reading I should invite Mr. Chen, that is my unfortunate fiance's name, although the family calls him "Mr. Goose." after the events that occurred when he was to call on my parents. The old fortune teller, smoking and petting his pet chicken then asked me my fiance's full name-its Chen Shih-yin-so he could determine more about our romantic and connubial future. Well, I am having less enthusiasm for this old man but I threw the coins and this it was number 18. The nictonic old man put his pet chicken down and said "Someone has placed a curse on Mr. Chen!" In order to remove the curse I will have make offerings such as duck eggs, scallions, and some pickled sea slug and eel at the local monastery.
In my parent's village there is actually a nunnery of Taoist nuns who have opened a little restaurant in the village for tourists. The village finds them amusing but likes a little grass roots capitalism and the tourism trade. Everyone in the village went to class at the nunnery and has learned important English phrases such as "The Way," "Lao Tzu"-I didn't know that was an English expression and "The Will of Heaven" "We have good food," "Are your shoes too tight?" and "The Jewel is in the Lotus" -whatever that means and "Dr. Feng is a cheap doctor and has good drugs."

More later....I am sorry, I cannot tell you the entire story just now. I must visit my old mother every Thursday without fail!

Again, Happy New Year to you, Miss Lotus Shoes!

Yours faithfully,
Sun Pu Erh

[sunpuerh]

Dear Miss Lotus Shoes:

What I meant to say was that I had given my fiance a second chance. The fortune teller said something about working on what has been spoiled. Why that is so true and Mr. Cheng is certainly handsome and muscular. Does Mr. Ping remove curses?

Happy New Year, Miss Lotus Shoes!

Yours faithfully,

Sun Pu Erh

[sunpuerh]

Dear Miss Lotus Shoes:

We never know the twistings of fate and that within misfortune, abundant good fortune may often be found! I motored to my parent's village and going over the bridge I thought "If the fortune teller had said Mr. Chen will be handsome without a car!" I would have believed it for Mr. Chen, once more will be rowing his small boat to the uncertain shores of my parent's village and will arrive in time for tea. We had decided a morning meeting was unlucky and in any event, the geese were likely to be napping and sleeping if off in the afternoon because they have taken to getting drunk on that sour mash as geese do.

My Auntie Mai was there along with Auntie Wu happily ensconced on the veranda, as mother likes to call it, with a fine view of the garden, and have I neglected to say Mt. Taishan? Its not much of a mountain but our close location to the old sacred mountain is the basis of the renaissance of the village, as father says into the "world of spiritual ecotourism."
Father is very excited about this new project and wants to get the entire village involved. For example, he has decided that the nunnery should now be called?Chin Ling Shih Erh Ch?ai,? or in English ?The Twelve Maidens of Chin Ling " rather "Den of the Breath of the Twelve Foxes" as the village has laughinly referred to them. I understand that the breath of a fox was a spell a woman would use in order to cause the swoon of passion and romance to come over the unsuspecting handsome young man. Mr. Ping, do you know any fox breath spells?
I will finish my chronicle of the events of that afternoon but I must drop off some extra money for the fortune teller who has taken to using trained starlings to pick up pieces of a paper and tell fortunes. He says in this way the divination is truly mystical but I think this a frankly bird-brained scheme but then the old fortune teller, clove cigarettes and all, has been right before!

Did I tell you that Dr. Feng is my father's business/trade name? He went to Auntie Mai who said his lucky number was 55! So he uses the name Feng in hopes of cashing in on the tourist trade that is sure to come!

If I haven't said so before, Happy New Year, Miss Lotus Shoes!

Yours faithfully,
Sun Pu Erh

[misslotusshoes]

Number 18 means it is favorable to cross the great water! I was thinking that the old fortune teller had made a point of that although he was somewhat distracted by dropping cigarette ashes in his lap and on the talismans he was making and brushing the ashes onto the floor. I don't like going to this fortune teller. The place smells funny sometimes and now the chickens and the trained starlings!. How much better I felt knowing that this second meeting between my parents and Mr Chen was somehow Blessed by Heaven!

Father was standing poised in front of the ladies trying to say in English, "These are the ten righteous course sare equally binding on all men;" andt "the five regular constituents of our moral nature are benevolence, righteousness, propriety, knowledge, and truth!!" Honestly, Father has to work on his English!

Also, a Mr. L. from the Provincial Tourism Board and Animal Husbandry Department was there and handed us all a quick guide on talking to tourists Mr. L. handed us a paper on which words were placed in either columns a, b, or c. Mr. L , the tourist official demonstrated that we could take a word from column a, and mix it with a word from column b and column c and every combination of words was sure to pleace the tourist (Mr L. had once owned a restaurant in Shanghai)

The column A words were: celestial, worthy, veryr cheap, and supreme. The column B words were: rooms, souvenir, temple, and restaurant
and the words in column C were Visa or Mastercard, jade, maiden, taxi and backpack.

Mr. L. assured us that this simple formula would ensure hoardes of earnest young seekers of truth and our financial salvation, the tourist who had found AT LAST some Chinese who could speak good English!.. Mr. L. also said that in Tai-an-fu he had taught the taxi drivers to say, "It is 5 miles and I can take you there cheap!" Mr. L. reported this was very effective in promoting international friendship. Dare I say that Mr. L. is very handsome and has a good job? He is a little short too!

Mr. Ping, have you ever crossed the Great Water? And to you, Miss Lotus Shoes, once again,

Happy New Year!

Yours faithfully,

Sun Pu Erh

[misslotusshoes]

Dear Miss Sun:

I have forwarded the last message to the forum as they may want to know the events that led to this great path that has opened before you. Crossing the Great Water is certainly auspicious!

My own business of feng-shui and domestic science has been busy lately but I have faithfully forwarded you letters to Mr. Ping.

Mr. Ping wants me to let you know that all along he has been thinking of chariots on the full moon so I think he has tuned you in so to speak.

Yours truly,

Miss Lotus Shoes

[misslotusshoes]

Dear Miss Lotus Shoes:

I am sorry the letters got confused back there but no one is paying me to write these letters so to speak. Let me finally tell you what happened that day: It was nearly the full moon. Mr. Chen rowed across the river, tied up the boat, and was walking to the village to meet my parents. On the way he saw a tragic thing-all the geese (or least those that were left) were lying dead beside the road. Without giving it a second thought, Mr. Chen plucked all the feathers off of each goose in order to give them to Auntie Wu-at least she would be able to recoup some of her losses as the feathers are quite valuable. (Mr. Chen is very kind) Well, unfortunately the geese were not dead only dead drunk and they woke up shortly after. When they saw each other's denuded bodies they began to raise a terrible ruckus and began running straight away to Auntie Wu's (maybe to get some more of that soured mash). Father, (did I say Father had a cold?) had decided to hitch up the horse and ride in the wagon in order to get some herbs for his cold. Just as the nude and now highly agitated geese were running down the road they saw Mr. Chen and decided to give chase. As this unusual spectacle made its way throught the village, the geese saw father and the horse. This sight, especially the horse, made these crazed geese ever madder and they began squawking and chasing the horse in addition to Mr. Chen as geese will do. As the horse and the wagon, Mr. Chen and the geese rounded the corner to my house Mr. Chen tripped and somehow threw the goose feathers into the air. Now the geese were really mad! Well at this point,, the horse and wagon parted as they say, and Mr Chen and the horse went one way and the wagon, father and the geese went another. The wagon traveled a ways off the road but stopped abruptly when it hit stone and father was catapulted into the pond.

Mr. Chen has decided to really cross the great water and gone to work for his cousin in Hangchow. I have decided to move back to the village and work in the coming tourist boom. Mr. Ping, did I tell you Father was carrying a dozen duck eggs for Mother? Well, my question is how do you remove duck eggs and geese feathers from human skin? Do you think I should look for a man who has a steady job like working for the government? Is there such a thing as a goose curse?

This will be, thank heavens, my last letter to you, Mr. Ping. Thank you for all your help; and, Miss Lotus Shoes-Happy New Year!

Yours faithfully,

Sun Pu Erh