7.6 on How to get over Shyness

[aiyana]

I have suffered from shyness my whole life, not the obvious stammering trembling sort, but the brand which after initial pleasantries leaves my mind blank & the acquaintance I'm talking to either bored or nervous in response.

I asked the Yi, 'How do I get over my Shyness?' and received 7.6 in response.

Karcher reads 'Lay out the city & receive the dwellers.' Host a party?? Or make myself more available/visible & then people will come to me (receive the dwellers)? Karcher also says 'You have succeeded in more ways than one... use all your powers to create a beautiful place. Don't simply adapt. Though you must disturb things have no fear.' Perhaps a mandate to do self-improvement (creating an inner 'beautiful place' and 'disturbing things')?

An older post describing 7.6 as being about creating and sustaining a world that nourishes us. To create a world that nourishes me, & in turn nourishes others, is the point of my wanting to get over the awkwardness that comes after chitchat runs dry. The changing line seems to be describing why I want to get over this block, rather than advice on how to go about this. Slap me for being impatient with the Yi :duh:-- that must be the 4 relating...

Thank you in advance for any advice

[meng]

I think this is speaking to you about mustering confidence and power and being freely spontaneous. Easier said than done, but understanding what is going on is the first step in changing it.

I'm going to guess that you feel a sudden pressure to respond, and it is as though that pressure steals your thoughts and words, leaving your mind a blank. It's like someone standing over you, tapping their foot impatiently, saying "come on, come on, say something witty, and hurry up about it!" I... um... uh.... *blank*.

The remedy is to give up caring so much how you "perform", as in saying the right thing, and begin relaxing in who you genuinely are. That will build your confidence, as well as release your creativity. Relaxing in yourself is the key, allowing yourself the inner freedom to be spontaneous.

[my_key]

Hi aiyana
The way you describe your shyness sounds like a classic awkwardness or lack of self-confidence in the presence of others.
When Karcher says 'Lay out the city & receive the dwellers.' this, to my mind, is more a call for you as an individual to open yourself and let down the barriers. It is as you say about creating a place that you feel is nourishing you inside, for when you are better nourished inside you will be able to portray that nourished feeling externally. This is about stepping into a place of feeling worthy and disturbing old patterns that have long out worn their usefulness.

I like Meng's suggestion and this may be augmented by just watching someone you consider to be good at 'party talk', watching how they do it and then emulating them. Maybe even build up a stock of good open questions and remember that people in general love talking about themselves. Show a genuine interest and they will respond genuinely.
I'm sure you can think of many simple ways to aid your situation. Just give something that you feel will benefit you a go and feel proud that you have decided to give it a go. That's all that really matters, everything else is flotsam.

Recognise that being gentle with yourself will allow you to relax and feel comfortable in most social situations.

Be Well

Mike

[chacha1]

I was just passing by when I saw your thread. That "Lay out the city, and receive it's dwellers" makes me feel like you have a lavish personality when you allow yourself to. The type that makes people want to visit your "city". I agree with what another poster said about "performance anxiety". A few years ago, someone told me that it was not my responsibility to fill in the pauses( you know, those awkard silences) in a conversation. Silence can be golden, and if you don't feel any weirdness about it, then the other person won't pick up any uncomfortable vibes. Without the pressure of feeling obligated to be entertaining, it all just kinda flows.

[tigerintheboat]

I have suffered from shyness my whole life, not the obvious stammering trembling sort, but the brand which after initial pleasantries leaves my mind blank & the acquaintance I'm talking to either bored or nervous in response.

I asked the Yi, 'How do I get over my Shyness?' and received 7.6 in response.

An older post describing 7.6 as being about creating and sustaining a world that nourishes us.First, please look at the standard translation of H7.6:

The great prince issues commands,
Founds states, vests families with fiefs.
Inferior people should not be employed.

Here is some commentary from the WikiWing:

The battle is won; time to found the new state. The requirements now have changed: contrast the Image, ‘accepting ordinary people’, with ‘don’t use small people’. Now instead of organising everything towards one objective, you must juggle several considerations (or people or interests), make space for them all, create harmony. Small people are no use because you need innovative, imaginative thinking.

On the surface of it, isn't this a remarkable line and description to give to a "shy" person? The battle is won, time to take charge; not something we associate with shy people. But there is a suggestion in the commentary about using imaginative thinking that I would suggest you take seriously.

Given that you got this reading, and also because I have some experience with this, I want to suggest that you are not shy, you are just unprepared to make conversation.

There are probably many reasons why someone would be unprepared to make conversation. But it scarcely matters as whatever the reason, one can prepare if one chooses. Nor does it matter that some people are naturally good at it; you can still prepare and become good at it.

Let me suggest a role play. Suppose you were the great leader referred to in the reading and you had to receive people in the court, and you had to know all their names and make some conversations with them. You would prepare! Even if you had no real interest in them and their lives, you would have done your homework. If you know the people, you would have prepared some questions for them: asking about their children, wives and husbands, occupations, etc.

When you don't know people, you would have some questions ready, some standard conversational gambits, and some "tricks" (compliment them on something, ask them if they are enjoying themselves, ask them for their help with something). All you really have to do is to get the other person talking, and that is usually done by asking them a question or two. You do not have to be sparkling and brilliant, you need to engage the other person and get them talking. People love to talk about themselves and their "thing"; just get them started.

Although you may not be an actor or an actress, you must learn how to act in social situations. If you want to feel less awkward in social situations, prepare your part well. Have some material ready. Imagine that you are the great ruler, or that your financial security depends on keeping these people happy and talking, or whatever role play puts you in the right frame of mind.

I can almost guarantee, once you get used to the novelty of taking on a deliberate role, not waiting for things to happen, but making them happen, that you will be "creating and sustaining a world" that nourishes you.

Remember: Inferior people should not be employed! Use your imagination and make something out of each situation.

Tiger

[viviank]

very nice answer Tiger!!

[tigerintheboat]

:bows:
It would be nice to know if our shy friend even read it, but I had fun writing it!

Tiger

[aiyana]

Thank you again to all those commenting on this post, I was initially rather mortified at having reached out in this manner. I did take the opportunity to apply the feedback, in particular 'tigerintheboat''s advice to 'be prepared for conversation', and have experienced much more freedom and confidence in social situtations.

Today I asked the iChing, 'Have my social skills improved' and received 31 changing to 14. Seems positive overall. When I have several changing lines I look at changing line 5 as the advice, which seems to me a reminder that a person's intuitive feeling in a conversation trumps conversational gambits every time. Thanks chacha1, you were on the money! I also asked how others experience me and got 1 unchanging. Guess I'm not a wallflower at this point, must be the Leo Ascendant marching in -- Meng & my_Key, thanks for the practical advice in that regard.

Warmest thanks to you all, for all the iChing learning provided and your generosity of time & spirit in responding to us lurkers & newbies