pedro
September 17th, 2004, 02:14 PM
Dear friends,
I had the most intriguing experience the other day. I was having a complex astrological cycle, involving aspects of pluto and saturn, that had been reaching a climax over a period of several months. During this time, which was not pleasant, my consciousness of the world and myself has gone through a complete transformation, part of which I have been talking about here. The feeling of building up to a climax had been with me for a long while, and was almost unbearable recently, like it couldnt build up any longer under the risk of exploding.
For some reason I had a feeling that there was going to be some climax with my venus sextile venus transit, that was to occur September the 8th, around 21:30. That was mostly because I knew the key was in unlocking my heart, which had been rock cold for a long while, and was being responsible for me not getting any further.
When the moment was approaching, I started to feel really well, like some wave of happiness was dawning over me, so I went to the back of the house, where I normally meditate, and sat there enjoying the experience. But somehow, so eager I was to feel it in all detail, that I started thinking too much about it, and in the process got distracted for a moment, and started to feel the "energy" go away, like I had missed the right time. This made me enter a state of frustration, thinking that once again I had let my ego interfere with my awakening, and due to my analysis of the experience, had lost the opportunity to feel it and be transformed by it. Feeling my chance had been wasted, and under the pressure of having been building this climax over such painful months, only to find out I blew it, I started to feel really depressed. I thought that this was the story of my life, letting the good chances pass me by, while I am lost in my own intellectual traps, and I started to feel like a complete useless person. I will never be like I want, I thought, because this is just what I am, a complete waste. I started to feel really low and miserable, and approaching despair as more and more I felt I had blown the chance of a lifetime...
I could had let my despair get the better of me, and just accept the failure I was, but suddenly an anger started to burst up in me, and I said NO!!!, this cant be like this, I wont accept it!!! I AM A SON OF GOD, I am a savior of mankind an I DEMAND that my real face is shown to me now. I WANT TO KNOW, AND I DEMAND TO KNOW. I dont recall the exact phrasing I used, only that it was a raising of all my strength in a desperate attempt to force the universe to go back and give me my wasted moment. Now I understand that it was acceptance, and prayer, which I was doing, that were the keys to it all, which made all the difference.
Suddenly, I started to feel and enormous energy (Im getting goose bumps just writing this) raising over my spine, and literally taking control of my whole body. This energy was possessing me, and I felt like I was on fire, energy emanating from my body all over, and my heart bursting with a beacon of energy I had never felt before. My presence was overwhelming!
And then suddenly I REMEMBERED!!! I remembered who I was in previous lives, or actually, I was suddenly BEING that person, this great fiery warrior, because I dindt feel inside my normal self any more.
I suddenly realised I was such a powerful being that it made no sense at all that I was living an incarnation as my plain self, who seemed just a shadow of this powerful warrior. Suddenly I understood: I was a mystic warrior, appointed by god himself to help fulfill His plan, but for some reason I had decided to "take a vacation" in this lifetime. Somehow it seemed that the warrior had some "fall", and was hiding from his mission in this life, or actually in ME. I was hiding, or sleeping, but now I had awaken and remembered who I was, at last... And God was not upset with me or anything, he smiled at me lovingly, and understandingly, because He knew all along who I was, and had allowed me my "vacations". And He was rejoicing that I had remembered, like a proud parent when the son has learned a complicated trick.
And the whole world seemed to be applauding my awakening, like they understood I had been hiding from my saviour function, and was now ready to resume where I stopped, and so the world was happy to have me back. I had never felt anything like that, like I had somehow been able to tap back into my previous lifes, in order to conclude what I left undone previously.
I fell on my knees and thanked God for being so kind with me. I kissed the ground. Then I raised and instinctively (it was me, but it wasnt "me") embraced the whole world in my arms and said to every person: you are the ones I exist for! That was my acknowledgement of my mission. I was ready to start where I had finished.
I stood there, being cherished by God and the world, and enjoying the feeling with gratitude. All my worries had gone, all my fears dissipated, all my doubts answered. What was to fear, now that I realised the extent of my power, and the nobility of my mission? I simply knew I would never feel powerless again. And not a dash of pride was there, because there was no personal ego in me. There was no personal gain I desired from it. All I knew was that my gifts, whatever they were, had been given me by God with a purpose: to help mankind, and that was all I felt. Powerful beyond measure and completely dedicated to fulfilling God's plan.
This feeling of being on fire lasted several hours, with my heart bursting such energy I could almost touch it, and my body exhaling flames or so I felt. As I grew accustomed with the feeling, I wanted to go and tell my family, but just before I left the place where it all happened, I asked "is it too much to ask for, to know my (the warrior's) name?". As I said this words, the name "nathaniel" popped into my mind. It was a strange name, I was not sure of ever having heard it, and so I dismissed it as simply my imagination. Actually I didnt like the name, but the next times I repeated the question, inevitably brought the same name to my mind. Nathanael. There had to be some meaning to this...
Anyway, there I went on to try to explain to my wife what had happened. Suddenly it all started to make sense, all my path until now, the family I was born, the wife I chose, the son I had. I had been asleep, but now I had remembered, and it was the most reassuring feeling, because it made my whole life stand in a whole new light.
But now that I had remembered, what was I to do? The warrior had a deserved vacation, but now vacations were over, I had heard the call of duty, and it was time to go back to fulfilling the mission. What other purpose could there be in having remembered? Could I go on with my plain life, now, as if nothing had happened? Of course not, something had changed for good. I felt like nothing would be the same anymore, and I guess I was right.
The next day, I was still under this "spell", and since then I have been trying to figure out exactly what happened and what meaning it had.
The first thing I did was to research who Nathaniel was. The only thing I could find about Nathaniel was that he had been one of the apostles. He is only mentioned as Nathanael in John, being the friend of Philip that Jesus chose as his sixth follower (?I saw you under the fig tree?), but general consensus identify him with St. Bartholomew (meaning "bar Tolmai", or "son of Tolmai"; hence a family name, with Nathaniel being his first name).
So I started thinking, could it be that I was one reincarnation of Nathanael? Could it be that I had been one of the apostles? Could I have been Jesus friend and one of his chosen ones? Sounded a little presumptuous, but strangely, all descriptions of Nathaniel I could find bared a strange resemblance to myself. He was first of all honest and truthful. He had the ability to explain complex matters in a simple way that made people enjoy immensely listening to his lectures. He was a bit of a prankster, with a refined sense of humor that Jesus enjoyed greatly (although the other apostles didnt take it so lightly). He preached and died in India, which might explain why I was inexplicable drawn to this country from a very young age.
I could be just letting my imagination run, but he seemed at least to be the kind of archetype that I was also a part of. Or maybe I was not Nathanael, but one of his descendants. In any case, I started to feel a real connection with him, and started to feel that my "friendship" with Jesus had been more than an imaginary one.
But then the next day I was meditating at night, and I suddenly thought: wait a minute, Nathaniel is an angel! He is MY angel, my warrior angel, that has been sent to help me. So strong was this conviction that I was not surprised to actually discover about Archangel Nathanael, the ruler of fire, and one of the main angels in the angelic hierarchy (although information on him seems to be scarce).
Now, before you think I really lost it, allow me to explain that I myself had never even considered the possibility of angels existing. I mean, I felt that like fairys and stuff, they were no more than attempts to explain some mystery, but had no actual existance other than in imagination. Actually a couple of months ago I went to a lecture about angels, for some inexplicable reason, other than actual interest about the subject. I said to myself I was only making company for my mother, but I actually felt that was something I had to go to, and now I understand why (actually now I must go back and ask the old lady about my experience and Nathanael).
But it makes a lot of sense: Nathanael is a messanger, whose mission is to ?relight the pilot light of humanity for the awakening?. He needs a strong person, capable of withstanding his tremendous energy, and one with a big heart as well. He is "lord over the element of fire, a powerful gift from God", which seemed to agree with my experience of being what I could best describe as a "flaming warrior". Others "name him as one of the three angels (with Ingethal and Zeruch) who have a special patronage over all things hidden, mysterious, or arcane", which also makes sense for me. And I also read that "Archangel Nathaniel is constantly watching for spiritual fires of aspiration rising from earth. He transfers the fire aspect of divinity to our world where it transforms consciousness from the limited self to the eternal self by burning away misconceptions that would have us believe that we are separate from God", so could that be what happened? Could it be that my act of despair had been sensed by him and he came to help me? Could my act had been one of genuine "aspiration" that was sensed by this powerful angel? In other words, could he have chosen me?
I have been thinking about all this, and the more I think of it the more it all starts to make sense. My problem, as best I can explain it, has been having too much fire, but somehow never having been able to control that fire in the best way. Fire is the source of my passions, but it can also burn me, and it has, several times in the past. Its like I have the gift of fire, but I havent yet found the way to use it. And so, maybe (just maybe), that is what Nathanael can teach me. He, being the ruler of fire, can help me learn to control the fire, if I learn how to call for his help again. That was perhaps why the warrior was hiding: in order to have the chance to learn it all again.
Well, I wont tire you anymore with this, actually Im not really certain of anything yet, and that is the reason for me posting this account here. But I know I have opened the door to perhaps the most signifying experience of my life. Or at least, this experience has made me able to realise the higher planes of existence where I must aim from now on. Im not sure if the "flaming warrior" I remembered being is me, or if I just got in touch with Nathaniel and was sensing him. (either way it was the most impressive feeling I ever had, and I want more of it - I want it permanent!!!). Or if I am indeed Nathaniel, one of his descendants, or simply another one of the chosen by Nathaniel. In any case, I feel that I have regained the reigns of my life, and nothing seems beyond reach anymore. I know what I am supposed to do, and I have the strength to do it. And I thank God for it, and I thank the world for having waited for me, and for receiving me back with open arms.
I will appreciate any comments any of you cares to share over this matter, even those like " you really lost it this time". I will also be extremely grateful for any piece of information concerning Nathanael (also spelled Nathaniel or Nathanel), who for some reason I cant find in any angel books (well, those at the local bookshop at least). I know that the best way to know him (if not the only) is the way I first met him: inside me, but any piece of evidence that can catapult my understandment is valuable.
I will also appreciate whatever piece of information on angels that can help me gain a better perspective of my experience and what I should do with this knowledge from now on.
Thank you for listening
I had the most intriguing experience the other day. I was having a complex astrological cycle, involving aspects of pluto and saturn, that had been reaching a climax over a period of several months. During this time, which was not pleasant, my consciousness of the world and myself has gone through a complete transformation, part of which I have been talking about here. The feeling of building up to a climax had been with me for a long while, and was almost unbearable recently, like it couldnt build up any longer under the risk of exploding.
For some reason I had a feeling that there was going to be some climax with my venus sextile venus transit, that was to occur September the 8th, around 21:30. That was mostly because I knew the key was in unlocking my heart, which had been rock cold for a long while, and was being responsible for me not getting any further.
When the moment was approaching, I started to feel really well, like some wave of happiness was dawning over me, so I went to the back of the house, where I normally meditate, and sat there enjoying the experience. But somehow, so eager I was to feel it in all detail, that I started thinking too much about it, and in the process got distracted for a moment, and started to feel the "energy" go away, like I had missed the right time. This made me enter a state of frustration, thinking that once again I had let my ego interfere with my awakening, and due to my analysis of the experience, had lost the opportunity to feel it and be transformed by it. Feeling my chance had been wasted, and under the pressure of having been building this climax over such painful months, only to find out I blew it, I started to feel really depressed. I thought that this was the story of my life, letting the good chances pass me by, while I am lost in my own intellectual traps, and I started to feel like a complete useless person. I will never be like I want, I thought, because this is just what I am, a complete waste. I started to feel really low and miserable, and approaching despair as more and more I felt I had blown the chance of a lifetime...
I could had let my despair get the better of me, and just accept the failure I was, but suddenly an anger started to burst up in me, and I said NO!!!, this cant be like this, I wont accept it!!! I AM A SON OF GOD, I am a savior of mankind an I DEMAND that my real face is shown to me now. I WANT TO KNOW, AND I DEMAND TO KNOW. I dont recall the exact phrasing I used, only that it was a raising of all my strength in a desperate attempt to force the universe to go back and give me my wasted moment. Now I understand that it was acceptance, and prayer, which I was doing, that were the keys to it all, which made all the difference.
Suddenly, I started to feel and enormous energy (Im getting goose bumps just writing this) raising over my spine, and literally taking control of my whole body. This energy was possessing me, and I felt like I was on fire, energy emanating from my body all over, and my heart bursting with a beacon of energy I had never felt before. My presence was overwhelming!
And then suddenly I REMEMBERED!!! I remembered who I was in previous lives, or actually, I was suddenly BEING that person, this great fiery warrior, because I dindt feel inside my normal self any more.
I suddenly realised I was such a powerful being that it made no sense at all that I was living an incarnation as my plain self, who seemed just a shadow of this powerful warrior. Suddenly I understood: I was a mystic warrior, appointed by god himself to help fulfill His plan, but for some reason I had decided to "take a vacation" in this lifetime. Somehow it seemed that the warrior had some "fall", and was hiding from his mission in this life, or actually in ME. I was hiding, or sleeping, but now I had awaken and remembered who I was, at last... And God was not upset with me or anything, he smiled at me lovingly, and understandingly, because He knew all along who I was, and had allowed me my "vacations". And He was rejoicing that I had remembered, like a proud parent when the son has learned a complicated trick.
And the whole world seemed to be applauding my awakening, like they understood I had been hiding from my saviour function, and was now ready to resume where I stopped, and so the world was happy to have me back. I had never felt anything like that, like I had somehow been able to tap back into my previous lifes, in order to conclude what I left undone previously.
I fell on my knees and thanked God for being so kind with me. I kissed the ground. Then I raised and instinctively (it was me, but it wasnt "me") embraced the whole world in my arms and said to every person: you are the ones I exist for! That was my acknowledgement of my mission. I was ready to start where I had finished.
I stood there, being cherished by God and the world, and enjoying the feeling with gratitude. All my worries had gone, all my fears dissipated, all my doubts answered. What was to fear, now that I realised the extent of my power, and the nobility of my mission? I simply knew I would never feel powerless again. And not a dash of pride was there, because there was no personal ego in me. There was no personal gain I desired from it. All I knew was that my gifts, whatever they were, had been given me by God with a purpose: to help mankind, and that was all I felt. Powerful beyond measure and completely dedicated to fulfilling God's plan.
This feeling of being on fire lasted several hours, with my heart bursting such energy I could almost touch it, and my body exhaling flames or so I felt. As I grew accustomed with the feeling, I wanted to go and tell my family, but just before I left the place where it all happened, I asked "is it too much to ask for, to know my (the warrior's) name?". As I said this words, the name "nathaniel" popped into my mind. It was a strange name, I was not sure of ever having heard it, and so I dismissed it as simply my imagination. Actually I didnt like the name, but the next times I repeated the question, inevitably brought the same name to my mind. Nathanael. There had to be some meaning to this...
Anyway, there I went on to try to explain to my wife what had happened. Suddenly it all started to make sense, all my path until now, the family I was born, the wife I chose, the son I had. I had been asleep, but now I had remembered, and it was the most reassuring feeling, because it made my whole life stand in a whole new light.
But now that I had remembered, what was I to do? The warrior had a deserved vacation, but now vacations were over, I had heard the call of duty, and it was time to go back to fulfilling the mission. What other purpose could there be in having remembered? Could I go on with my plain life, now, as if nothing had happened? Of course not, something had changed for good. I felt like nothing would be the same anymore, and I guess I was right.
The next day, I was still under this "spell", and since then I have been trying to figure out exactly what happened and what meaning it had.
The first thing I did was to research who Nathaniel was. The only thing I could find about Nathaniel was that he had been one of the apostles. He is only mentioned as Nathanael in John, being the friend of Philip that Jesus chose as his sixth follower (?I saw you under the fig tree?), but general consensus identify him with St. Bartholomew (meaning "bar Tolmai", or "son of Tolmai"; hence a family name, with Nathaniel being his first name).
So I started thinking, could it be that I was one reincarnation of Nathanael? Could it be that I had been one of the apostles? Could I have been Jesus friend and one of his chosen ones? Sounded a little presumptuous, but strangely, all descriptions of Nathaniel I could find bared a strange resemblance to myself. He was first of all honest and truthful. He had the ability to explain complex matters in a simple way that made people enjoy immensely listening to his lectures. He was a bit of a prankster, with a refined sense of humor that Jesus enjoyed greatly (although the other apostles didnt take it so lightly). He preached and died in India, which might explain why I was inexplicable drawn to this country from a very young age.
I could be just letting my imagination run, but he seemed at least to be the kind of archetype that I was also a part of. Or maybe I was not Nathanael, but one of his descendants. In any case, I started to feel a real connection with him, and started to feel that my "friendship" with Jesus had been more than an imaginary one.
But then the next day I was meditating at night, and I suddenly thought: wait a minute, Nathaniel is an angel! He is MY angel, my warrior angel, that has been sent to help me. So strong was this conviction that I was not surprised to actually discover about Archangel Nathanael, the ruler of fire, and one of the main angels in the angelic hierarchy (although information on him seems to be scarce).
Now, before you think I really lost it, allow me to explain that I myself had never even considered the possibility of angels existing. I mean, I felt that like fairys and stuff, they were no more than attempts to explain some mystery, but had no actual existance other than in imagination. Actually a couple of months ago I went to a lecture about angels, for some inexplicable reason, other than actual interest about the subject. I said to myself I was only making company for my mother, but I actually felt that was something I had to go to, and now I understand why (actually now I must go back and ask the old lady about my experience and Nathanael).
But it makes a lot of sense: Nathanael is a messanger, whose mission is to ?relight the pilot light of humanity for the awakening?. He needs a strong person, capable of withstanding his tremendous energy, and one with a big heart as well. He is "lord over the element of fire, a powerful gift from God", which seemed to agree with my experience of being what I could best describe as a "flaming warrior". Others "name him as one of the three angels (with Ingethal and Zeruch) who have a special patronage over all things hidden, mysterious, or arcane", which also makes sense for me. And I also read that "Archangel Nathaniel is constantly watching for spiritual fires of aspiration rising from earth. He transfers the fire aspect of divinity to our world where it transforms consciousness from the limited self to the eternal self by burning away misconceptions that would have us believe that we are separate from God", so could that be what happened? Could it be that my act of despair had been sensed by him and he came to help me? Could my act had been one of genuine "aspiration" that was sensed by this powerful angel? In other words, could he have chosen me?
I have been thinking about all this, and the more I think of it the more it all starts to make sense. My problem, as best I can explain it, has been having too much fire, but somehow never having been able to control that fire in the best way. Fire is the source of my passions, but it can also burn me, and it has, several times in the past. Its like I have the gift of fire, but I havent yet found the way to use it. And so, maybe (just maybe), that is what Nathanael can teach me. He, being the ruler of fire, can help me learn to control the fire, if I learn how to call for his help again. That was perhaps why the warrior was hiding: in order to have the chance to learn it all again.
Well, I wont tire you anymore with this, actually Im not really certain of anything yet, and that is the reason for me posting this account here. But I know I have opened the door to perhaps the most signifying experience of my life. Or at least, this experience has made me able to realise the higher planes of existence where I must aim from now on. Im not sure if the "flaming warrior" I remembered being is me, or if I just got in touch with Nathaniel and was sensing him. (either way it was the most impressive feeling I ever had, and I want more of it - I want it permanent!!!). Or if I am indeed Nathaniel, one of his descendants, or simply another one of the chosen by Nathaniel. In any case, I feel that I have regained the reigns of my life, and nothing seems beyond reach anymore. I know what I am supposed to do, and I have the strength to do it. And I thank God for it, and I thank the world for having waited for me, and for receiving me back with open arms.
I will appreciate any comments any of you cares to share over this matter, even those like " you really lost it this time". I will also be extremely grateful for any piece of information concerning Nathanael (also spelled Nathaniel or Nathanel), who for some reason I cant find in any angel books (well, those at the local bookshop at least). I know that the best way to know him (if not the only) is the way I first met him: inside me, but any piece of evidence that can catapult my understandment is valuable.
I will also appreciate whatever piece of information on angels that can help me gain a better perspective of my experience and what I should do with this knowledge from now on.
Thank you for listening