July 10th, 2004, 02:25 AM
So by now I think most everyone here knows about my marriage problems, I've certainly asked enough questions. We did some arguing, discussing this week and seemed to have made progress, but now I am at a loss. We had a nice night last night, more comfortable and affectionate than we have been for awhile. But then tonight he went to a party with an acquaintance and left me sitting at home alone. He was asked to come and do some piercings and then join the party afterwards, and when he first accepted 2 weeks ago he didn't include me because we weren't getting along, but after last night he still left me out. When I finally said something, he apologized, but then his ride showed up and I still get to spend the night alone, the whole night btw, he is spending the night there. In the meantime, I admit I am still thinking about the other person I was involved with. I haven't seen him in over 2 months but I still think about him. I go back and forth as to whether my marriage can be worked out or not. One of the things that we have talked about is that I have always supported all of his dreams, but I do not feel that mine matter to him. So tonight I asked Yi, What are the mental blocks affecting my decision regarding my marriage? 2 unchanging. Then asked what direction I should take with my marriage? 11 unchanging, huh??? How can I stop being so lonely? 18.6 to 46. What is stopping me from leaving? 36.1 to 15. Why do I keep thinking about the other person? 7 unchanging, that one really threw me, I have no clue what to do with that. I can't make sense of any of this. I don't know if I just asked too many questions, or maybe I am so emotional that I either affected the answers or its keeping me from seeing clearly. Forgive me, but I am not having a good day.
July 10th, 2004, 04:07 AM
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (or left alone all night while her husband is doing 24 hour piercing. Ouch! ..and I don't mean the piercing.)
Seeker, I've noticed that you seem to have a pretty good grasp of the Yi. I also know how interpreting your own readings during a period of duress can make understanding more obscure and difficult. Let me give this a try.
What are the mental blocks affecting my decision regarding my marriage? 2 unchanging.
2, as you know, is a symbol of earth, the receptive female principle. If your question is to be taken literally, the block is your openness, your desire to be led. I don't think there's any moral principle here, just a static answer to your specific question. In other words, you are standing in your own way, and that is keeping you in this relationship. You want to do the right thing, you want to follow what is right.
Then asked what direction I should take with my marriage? 11
Whether the marriage sticks or folds, aspiring to some semblance of peace is always preferred over something intentionally disruptive, or even violent.
How can I stop being so lonely? 18.6 to 46
Clearly, this says to take strong measures to correct mistakes originating in the past. Take control of your life, and take responsibility for your loneliness.
What is stopping me from leaving? 36.1 to 15
In a word, deprivation. If you have Wilhelm try looking at "The host has occasion to gossip about him" in line 1 this way: you are the host who would gossip about you to you. Others related to your husband's views might gossip about you too. You could become unpopular. You'd also have to learn to really live alone, possibly for a long while. There could be economic challenges. You might feel guilty over leaving. If you say "no" to that, I won't believe you; you're too conscientious to not want to the right thing. This is the host that would gossip about you if you leave.
Tough situation, and I wish you the best.
July 10th, 2004, 04:21 AM
Sounds like it's time to go easy on the Yi for a while - if that's your intuition, I agree. No point in adding frustration and confusion from the Yi to frustration and confusion with your husband.
If your questions are going in circles, is it a reflection of you going in circles emotionally? I think most of us do this at least a little bit. I know I have a tendency to do it in relationships.
Decisiveness. It's useful, but often not easy. To figure out what you really want and what you will and won't do about getting it...
Thoughts on your answers:
"What are the mental blocks affecting my decision regarding my marriage? 2 unchanging." Given your specific question and what I know of your situation, passivity and not taking charge of things is the block.
"What direction I should take with my marriage? 11 unchanging," In this case, I think 11 means take charge of things.
"How can I stop being so lonely? 18.6 to 46." It sounds like a lonely line: maybe it's saying this has to come from you - from within. Overcome lonliness and the fear of it - don't let it be a personal weakness. Then you'll never feel or fear it. (Much easier said than done, I know. I'm the kind of person who "needs somebody" myself.)
"What is stopping me from leaving? 36.1 to 15." You are going through a natural period of emotional turmoil and hesitation that comes from facing major difficulties and choices.
"Why do I keep thinking about the other person? 7 unchanging" Because at some level you like them and you'd like them to be "the leader of your host". (But didn't you sort of know that already?)
It may sound like I'm leaning in a particular direction here, but really what I'm saying is it's most important to get very in touch with your feelings and with your own limits: what you will and won't do about the situation. That's what's most important and I think that understanding that will "explain your own behavior" to you.
I'm guessing that this didn't help you have a better day and I apologize for this, but I think it's a difficult situation and making it better just isn't easy. Mostly I'm trying to help you interpret your readings given your specific questions/context.
One further thing - IF you start leaning towards a decision to split up, be sure you have your support systems ready to receive you - family, friends, work/financial support and child care. An impulsive decision to up and leave without taking care of those issues just makes things all the more difficult (if that's the way you end up going).
July 10th, 2004, 04:23 AM
BTW, crossed posts with Candid here... Generally agree with his points...
July 10th, 2004, 05:47 AM
Yes, what both of you have said makes sense. I have been taking charge more lately, but it is more stating how I feel and not backing down than taking any kind of real action. I do want to do what is right, and the truth is I still love my husband, but it doesn't seem to be enough. We have just drifted so far apart, we want different things. Yet we have 8 yrs and a child, and I see him making small efforts, but they are generally responses to specific things I have mentioned, not anything he has done on his own. I want it to come from inside of him, to be natural, not forced, and then I guess I feel guilty, like I am expecting too much (thanks, btw for the conscientious remark). I don't want to hurt anyone, least of all my husband and child. I have been working on finding peace within myself, actually I've just been working on finding myself period. I have discovered I have this tendency to give up who I am and adopt the goals and values of my partner, but eventually I can't sustain it and everything falls apart, happened in my first marriage too. I admit the idea of being divorced (I cringe typing the word) a second time makes me ill. Fear of loneliness, yep thats there too. I really don't have any friends of my own anymore, and yes, the ones we do have seem to be on his side, seriously disapproving of me. And I'm not really close to my family either. They have always been rather judgemental, even before I married my husband, and it got worse after that. Before we found out he was bipolar his behavior managed to alienate both my parents, and they refuse to try and understand that he has an illness. The financial is also a consideration, not only for me but for my husband. I could scrape by for me and my daughter, but I don't see how he could survive on what he makes alone. It has made me wonder why he is staying, if its really love, or if its just easier to stay. And yeah, Jeff, you are right, I do like the other guy a lot, but I don't how much is him and how much is an idealized version of him. He helped me figure out what was wrong in my marriage by being the things my husband isn't. He was always so thoughtful and considerate, but I may have seen more than was there. Anyway, thanks to you both. I think taking a break is a good idea. Maybe I will just concentrate on interpreting for other people for awhile. And thanks Candid for the complement.