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Thread: Trouble with colleague

  1. #1

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    Hi!

    I have problems with a colleague of mine (and some trouble spelling the word as well). She is very critical and last night gave me criticism. I agreed with her, but resent her for the way she puts it. Very bossy. Also, she only has eye for what goes wrong. I feel angry, hurt and afraid of her. I got 13 with lines 3 and 5 on the question what I should do in this situation. I have to disentangle, that's what I get. But I don't know how to do that. Does anyone have some advice on this, I Ching based or otherwise? I really hope so. Thanks.

  2. #2

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    I don't think you have anything to worry about. I think 13.3 reflects what's currently going on. I think 13.5 says that you'll eventually resolve the difficulties. Were you quite close to this colleague before this recent trouble? Friends? The reading seems to suggest this.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 1971
    Location
    Almere, The Netherlands
    Posts
    431

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    Hi Femke,

    I can understand that you feel angry about this, but my take on it is this: don't care about how things are said, care about what is said. You say you agree with her criticism, well, take that and be done with it.

    If I give you a bunch of roses stuck in a pile of mud, I am sure you will frown your eyebrows, but hey, aren't the roses beautiful? Be done with the mud. Even more, the mud enhances the beauty of the roses....

    Hexagram 13 is a hexagram about people who share something on the intellectual level - like a chess club for instance. You are not emotionally attached to her - that would be hexagram 8, where the people are bonding by shared emotions, not by intellect.

    So she spoke hard, but sound advice. Your attitude however is one of someone who hides his weapons in the grass, yet stands on a hill as if he deliberately is looking for trouble, waiting for a chance for a suprise attack: "she did this to me, now I will wait for my chance to get even". But not in three years will it solve how you feel about this.

    So how to deal with this? Be like the monk who was slapped by his master because he was not paying attention: bow, say thank you, and ask if the next time the slapping can be a little less hard. After that, go on with your daily life. The fact that she gave you advice (whatever in what way) does not put her above you.

    The fifth line says it all: first you are sad about this, and that is understandable. But afterwards: laugh about it! Nothing really serious has happened. She can not hurt you unless you feel hurt. And that makes all the difference.

    Best,

    Harmen.

  4. #4

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    Hi Femke,

    Frank here. To me 13 seems to be about dealing with other people in average (where 37 is about people close by and respecting there borders). The literal meaning of the chinese character of Hexagram 13 (Tong Ren) sais something like "equal people", and it could mean that you are afraid, angry and hurt because there is no equality here... The collegue is 'bossy', as you said... and you probably only wanted to help... I guess this situation is more a problem for your collegue then for you as she sees everything as a problem by seeing only what goes wrong... She must be frustrated over something and you had to be in front of her at that particular time, I guess, so, as Clarissa sais, I also think that you should not worry about it to much... as YOU are not the one to blame. Although she could be right about the critisism, there's always a way of putting it so someone is prepared to do something about it... By being something, some kind of behaviour you don't like, you yourself get a feeling like, 'why should I take you seriously, you are right or correct, but there are many ways of telling me this otherwise...' Has to do with RESPECT...

    According to the lines there is something said about weapons, and I think it's the situation itself... It's a line of the trigram below, about you as a person, a Heaven-line, so about your thoughts... By thinking to much about it you could put some 'weapons' on yourself, based on the discusions with your collegue, who 'attacked' you. Is this the first time this collegue is doing that? As I do not agree with Clarisa that you would be friends... No she already is not trusting you to much for a longer time, and vise versa..... You have those people, and O yes, I have them too :-D, that you only have to look in the eye and whatever you do it is never good enough... It's frustrating, and that's why the Yi tells you to disentangle in the first place by not harm yourself inside your head with it :-D. As it's there problem of how to bring it... Ofcourse you should listen if the critisism is correct, but you should not take things for granded if they do not take you as 'equal people'...

    In line 5 the words are telling me there has to be some tears before the laughter... Well, then I guess it goes beyond the discussion you had last night... This is a situation that is going on already for some time, right? It could be an ego-problem of the collegue of you... Line 5 is about the emporor, a heaven / human line: feelings connected to the thoughts about a situation out of your own hands (upper trigram: outher situation). And BTW (By the way): Insecure people always protect themselves by playing bossy...:-D (yeah, I studied psychology :-D). Did you ever had the feeling that she actually might just be jealous about you and the things you do, whatever you are doing!?

    After changing these lines we get Hexagram 21 Biting Through...Mmm, I wish you all the good luck with it, because this is not over yet... I'm sorry, but that's what the Yi tells me...

    Hang in there, and perhaps see you on sunday (as we are members of a dutch I Ching meeting group)

    ABH (A Big Hug :-D),
    Frank

  5. #5

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    Hi Femke. I understand your feelings very well. I love Harmen's remarks to you, but I will qualify that it is much easier to deal with a master's slap than a bossy person's slap, because the bossy person still is ignorant. A master understands immediately when the student understands, and will not apply pressure beyond the point necessary to show the student.

    It is an excellent quality to be able to accept criticism, to see a fault when it is pointed out.

    The bossy person should have the grace to give you some space to work it out. If they dont, they are ignorant too, and have issues of their own.

    The 13 line 5 is very hopeful that you will soon forgive each other.

  6. #6

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    Hi everybody

    Thanks so much for your nice responses. It's great to have other people's advice on this. I was surprised with Harmen's analysis of the text on the hill and the weapons, because it's exactly how I've been dealing with it partly(going over how I can get back with her!). Not a wise thing to do, I know, so I'm very glad with all of your sympathy, which makes me able to take a bit of distance. I don't WANT to be this resentful! I also love the parabels about the roses and the monk. So you would consider criticism as beautiful roses! Inspiring approach.
    Clarissa, as to your question: this colleague and I used to be much closer, I have a lot of respect for her knowledge and experience on our profession. And she used to confide in me. So I think on an intellectual level we worked close, although I'm always a bit afraid of her sharp tongue.
    Frank, thank you for taking my side completely in this, it's a nice supportive feeling to read it. Although I'm afraid, even though she might have too large an ego, I'm most probably not blameless either.. I wonder about the future. I agree that "biting through" is usually troublesome. But it might bring resolution.
    And Hester, also thanks for your sympathy! It's really nice to read that other people recognize these kinds of feelings, because I tend to feel a bit lonely about it.
    I'm going to have all your statements printed out in this internet shop and take them home to read them again! Thanks again.

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