good-bye to my friend 32 and 55.2

[lilly]

Good afternoon ,

i wonder if you can help me with the following both hexagramms i received when sending a good-bye letter to my friend/guy:
Q: "Is this letter okay as it is?"
32 Duration (no changing lines)

Q: "What will happen once i sent this letter?"
55.2 Abundance [Fullness] -> 34 The Power of the Great

The background situation is the following:
(sorry i am german so my english is not the best)

I was with a guy (lets call him F.) who, many years back, was married to a pretty crazy woman. They have 2 girls of 10 a. 12 y. living with her. Since 9 years F.`s exwife terrorises him sometimes more sometimes less
He called her the "plague of the century".

F and i kept our relationship absolutely secret so exwife and kids would not become jealous. (We live in the same house but in seperate flats. So that was easy to manage.) However for me that was only a parttime solution. I asked F. many months back to set out some basic rules and regulations for his exwife, f. e. making monthly "babysitting plans" and directing their communication towards emailing instead of talking/phoning which often ended up in bad argueings (you do not pay enough, don´t care enough..etc.. which is all but in any way true). F agreed and eventually handed exwife a letter over saying all this... sigh... but nothing changed. F. did not stick to any of the regulations himself. In the end he told me, he shortly has to do "babysitting" as his exwife has to do "important" work - whatever this means...

Friends of mine adviced me to split which i did yesterday. That was not easy for me as we did really liked and loved each other.
I put a short good-bye letter into his letterbox saying: to me he is "working" for the wrong woman and that will not work out with me.

Before i sent this letter, i asked the I ching, if this letter is okay, well written... and received 32
and then i asked: what will happen once i sent this letter? receiving 55.2 -> 34

To me this relationship is finished and i have no hope anymore - though i like to understand the I ching better.

How would you read 55.2 Abundance [Fullness] -> 34 The Power of the Great ? And why did i receive 32? Any thoughts?

[willowfox]

Q: "Is this letter okay as it is?"
32 Duration (no changing lines)

Yes, I would say that the letter is absolutely fine the way that you have written it. Duration means to carry on as it is, no change is necessary.

Q: "What will happen once i sent this letter?"
55.2 Abundance [Fullness] -> 34

Your letter will be like a wake up call for him, he will suddenly realize that he is indeed following the wrong party, his ex wife, he will then see that it is you that is important in his life.

[rosada]

I don't understand why you have agreed to keep your relationship with this man secret if he is no longer married to this other woman? Seems like you are agreeing that she has the right to dominate him still. Further, his daughters are at an age where it is really important they see Dad around alot. If she is asking him to babysit and he is feeling he should, why object? It's not as if she were asking him to spend time with HER. Well, I realize you have only been able to tell us the superficial details of the situation in this smalll space, but even so, bottom line it appears you are in a position where you have no power, almost as if you are dating a married man. So! About the letter. Duration is about standing firm in a situation that is change personified. Note the upper trigram is thunder and the lower trigram is wind, the two most unstable trigrams. This leads me to believe it will be a real test for you to maintain your decision to end this friendship. It also makes me feel that the weird arrangement with the ex will also endure. Ultimately it seems to be saying that your decision to end this current arrangement is appropriate. If he realizes you really are serious he may even change. But you should not expect this. You should just be standing firm about your decision not to continue with things as they are now.

55.2
The curtain is of such fullness - your relationship has been kept so secret
That the polestars can be seen at noon - that you can see how completely she dominates him.
Through going meets with mistrust and hate - He wont be pleased you are leaving but..
If one rouses him through truth - if you can get him to see how you simply can't go on..
Good fortune comes.

This last, "Good fortune comes" holds out some hope, but that could simply mean he sees your point and so rather than parting in anger you can part as friends.

34.
The superior man does not tread upon paths that do do not accord with established order.
I don't care how powerful he says his love is, if he isn't willing to present you to society as his partner as society says one ought, you haven't a chance.

[lilly]

Hi rosada and willowfox,

thanks a lot for your helping words.

I don't understand why you have agreed to keep your relationship with this man secret if he is no longer married to this other woman? Seems like you are agreeing that she has the right to dominate him still.

Well, i did not really agree, rosada. F., his ex and kids -a ll of them- play this game already for more than 9 years. I could not expect any of them to change their minds and behaviours within weeks just because i appeared on the scene.
Furtheron the girls act very, very jealous towards all femals who get their fathers attention. The ex plainely freaks out once she would know we have/had a relationship. I thought it would be better to build up our relationshipf first instead of getting into such heavy trouble.

Further, his daughters are at an age where it is really important they see Dad around alot. If she is asking him to babysit and he is feeling he should, why object?

I did not object F babysittin... i objected the ex ruling our life /schedule .. F brings the kids to school every morning and picks them up once in the week, he has them every weekend, nearly all holidays and 50% of all school holidays.

This leads me to believe it will be a real test for you to maintain your decision to end this friendship.

You might be right because right now i am firm but who knows what happens in 2, 3 weeks or months. We know each other already very long and live in the same house. We certainly will run into each other... but i like to stay away from this weird family .

34. says as well: There is danger too that, being intent on movement, we may not wait for the right time. Therefore the added statement that perseverance furthers. For that is truly great power which does not degenerate into mere force but remains inwardly united with the fundamental principles of right and of justice.

This makes me feel as if we will come closer again and i might force F to solve the situation (i have the "great power"). Just my feelings about 34.

However, i will definately not do that nor i wish we come close again. Truth is, i feel very ashamed for beeing "hidden away" for so long .

Sorry i abused this thread a bit for my rantings...

[rosada]

Oops! Sorry, I misunderstood and thought you and he had been in this secret relationship for 9 years! Okay, so you're saying he's been divorced for 9 years but you and he have only recently had your special friendship and thus it's really not appropriate for you to be introduced to the family just yet. Yes, I quite agree. Why make problems if the friendship is only superficial. Yet the craziness with the ex makes it almost impossible for the relationship to grow any deeper. So you've written him a letter outlining where you stand. 32. Duration does seem to indicate, as Willowfox said, that the letter was appropriate and need not be changed. And I add that Duration could also mean you feel you should stick by what you've told him here and not back down from your decision that the relationship in it's current form cannot continue.

Next you asked what will come of having sent this message? As it is really not appropriate for him to be introducing you to the family just yet, I now think

"The curtain is of such fullness that the polestars can be seen at noon"

is refering to the jealousy and drama the ex-wife keeps stirring up which prevents F. from being able to have a good relationship with his kids if he finds a new mate.

"Through going one meets with mistrust and hate."

This now seems to be a comment on F.'s going and again how his ex seems intent to create trouble.

"If one rouses him through truth, good fortune comes."

This is a tricky line. Who is the "him" refered to here? At first glance you'd think it meant if YOU were to rouse F. by telling him how you really feel, good fortune would come. But the essential problem is that the ex is making trouble by casting F. in a bad light to the kids. It is the children F. is concerned about, and it is they who need to know the truth, that is, that he loves them and the wife is making up stories. So couldn't this line be interpreted to be emphasizing the importance that F. continue to put up with his ex until the kids are old enough to see for themselves that Daddy isn't the crazy one?

So I'm thinking rather than 55.2 promising that by telling F. how you feel you will rouse him to get his act together I'm afraid it's simply stating the very difficult situation he's in, one that can only be resolved by his inwardly holding to the truth - that he is not the bad guy - until the kids see it for themselves.

34 says
The superior man does not tread on paths that do not accord with established order.

To me this warns F has had an established routine with his ex for many years and if you are smart you wont expect it to be changed any time soon. But it also points out that you are not required to bend over backwards for a man who has gotten himself into such a predicament.

Thus when you ask, What will be the result of my letter? I think the I Ching is telling you that the man is in a very difficult position. Your letter has probably helped make this more clear to both of you. He probably realizes more completely how his ex has screwed up his life and you have realized that much as you love your friend you can't be a part of this craziness.

[lilly]

Hi rosada,
once again many thanks for your help.

I think, you summed it up quite well writing:

Thus when you ask, What will be the result of my letter? I think the I Ching is telling you that the man is in a very difficult position. Your letter has probably helped make this more clear to both of you. He probably realizes more completely how his ex has screwed up his life and you have realized that much as you love your friend you can't be a part of this craziness.

Concerning the line:

If one rouses him through truth, Good fortune comes.

i think of someone else than me now ... someone like a good friend or therapist ....

However, IC is right again saying on every period of abundance a time of emptiness follows.
I feel really empty. And sad. And somehow very guilty. I did not want to hurt him so deeply but there was no other way - at least i could not see one.

sigh ... life is so damned hard.

Hope you are doing well
best, lilly

[rosada]

Thank you , Lily.
Are you familiar with Bach Flower Essences? They are a homeopathic remedy for healing the heart. Most health food stores carry them. The one one called "Rescue Remedy" is a mixture of several and is for dealing with sudden jolts like a break up. "Walnut" is for seeing the path as it opens ahead and moving on.

Best to you!
Rosada

[lilly]

Hi,
i started this thread a bit than 2 years ago and reading through after such a long time is nearly breathtaking as the yi and rosada were completely correct. Especially the line:

"The curtain is of such fullness that the polestars can be seen at noon"

i did read just in my language is of absolutely clear meaning to me today. rosada put it into the right words: "is refering to the jealousy and drama the ex-wife keeps stirring up.."
As well i like to confirm rosadas interpretation of Hex 34:
The superior man does not tread on paths that do not accord with established order.

... you are not required to bend over backwards for a man who has gotten himself into such a predicament.

It took me quite a while to get all this but today i am more than surprised how true this all was.
rosada, i bow my head!

[rosada]

Thank you for the follow up and kind words Lilly.
I hate to think this old hippy is becoming conservative, but the longer I live the more I respect the advice of 34. "Tread only upon paths that accord with established order."
Say that could be posted on one's lawn as a friendly alternative to "Keep off the grass."

-Rosada