December 1st, 2005, 01:38 PM
Well, it is not a proper stepson yet as my partner and I are not married but you know what I mean. I have never been in a relationship before where the kids are involved and I'm finding it rather hard. My partner has two 12 yr old twins (girl and boy) from his previous marriage who come and stay with us most weekends and 1 day during the week and also spend the summer holidays with us. Im finding my relationship with the boy very difficult to handle (the girl is much more easy going). Im trying to do the right thing, be a friend to them and leave the educational side/telling off to the parents. In a way Im lucky as I get on well with the ex-wife who often helps. Im trying to never loose my temper, buy them birthday and Xmas gifts, talk to them but still the boy treats me with disrespect sometimes. It is often when no one is around and he will try to criticise me all the time (eg. the food I cooked is not right (mummy does it so much better) and mummy is more elegant and has more clothes etc.) It sounds funny but when you experience it constantly for a long time it does get to you. It does not upset me so much what he says (I don't really care who has more clothes) but that he actually tries to upset me. I know that kids from broken marriages feel insecure with the new partners but I'm really not that bad and if he showed me respect I would give him so much more. I tried talking to my partner and even the ex-wife, they had a talk with him and it was a little better for a while but it went back to "normal". It is also difficult to put a finger to it, the comments are not that bad or obvious sometimes but I know he tries to get to me (mummy and daddy have so much in common..., Daddy I hope you are not going to have kids with HER...)
Ok, cutting long story short I asked the Yi What I can do to improve my relationship with M? To which I got Hexagram 23.6 changing to 2.
As always your comments and support would be greatly appreciated.
December 1st, 2005, 03:29 PM
Hi Magdalena my feeling on this is that you won't have to do very much at all as the boys behaviour will die out of its own accord. The way he is acting is not in his interests, I feel he is going to come to realise that. Might be a bit of hormonal pubertal rebellion that will just burn itself out. Seems to me you have done all you can do, exersized much patience (2) and been careful to respect his boundaries etc. I think there will be a positive outcome if you continue as you are. This bad time nearly over 23,6 and the boys unpleasant behaviour consumes itself, falling like a ripe fruit.....
Thats just my take, hopefully you will get feedback from others also.
December 1st, 2005, 04:48 PM
I like your interpretation much better than my own, Void! When I saw the hexagrams my immediate take was, "Well, she could (23) Split and (2) Never be Seen Again, that might improve things!" Seriously, is this kid having to spend more time with you two that is appropriate for a 12 year old? That sometimes happens with these weekend visits. He wants to be out playing frisbee and instead he has to be entertaining Dad...
December 1st, 2005, 06:14 PM
Void thank goodness for your comment, it's like honey to my tormented soul (they are coming tonight and im already all tense, cooking lasagna that will definitely not turn out as good as mummy's :-) I really hope you are right...
Rosada stop scaring me :-) My question was more of a what/how to improve things so running away and never be seen again might not be the best solution ;-)
December 2nd, 2005, 05:44 PM
Anyone else out there agrees with Void's interpretation?
December 2nd, 2005, 06:34 PM
Just in case the comment could be useful
1.- Asking first how is the relationship, you can get more clarity when later ask how to improve that relationship. Some times, make a Diagnosis of the relationship shows us that we have some "blind points" about it.
2.- Anyway, about your question.
When question is how to act, the image is a great reference.
In 23: "The high ones make their house peaceful by generosity to the low ones" (Lise's translation).
Is not only about "gifts", but emotional/spiritual generosity.
I understand that is not easy the situation... and requieres a lot of genenosity from you (adult=high one) to understand the circunstances of M (kid=low one). But... you are the adult and he is the kid
There is a posibility for improve relationship with M ("The big fruit is not eaten"). If you act with a "small mind" (lise's comment of 23.6) this posibility will be end... if you act with a great spirit, you would achieve it.
December 3rd, 2005, 04:30 AM
Sorry, didn't mean to scare you!
Well, another way of looking at 23.6 : evil will run it's course and if you continue to act in a manner that is friendly - blameless - ultimately you will emerge unscathed.
Hexagram 2 is about the power of the responsive partner. As you choose what to respond to you -ie. ignoring the bad, engaging with the good - you shape your world.
Meanwhile, though, I do think the I Ching is saying if this drama gets to be too much from time to time, you would not be at fault if you were to decide "Family Night" for your partner is 'Girl's Night Out" for you!
I also agree with the suggestion that you consult the I Ching for an assessment of your relationship with the boy right now. That may give you more specific clues than just being reassured by 23.6 that this too shall pass.
December 4th, 2005, 01:15 PM
"Tough times don't last, tough people do."
December 4th, 2005, 07:38 PM
I love your last comment Rosada, I hope I'm tough enough. I also agree about consulting the Yi about the current status of the relationship which should give me a better picture of what's going on. Thank you guys once again!
December 5th, 2005, 02:23 PM
One more thought, Magdalena..
I had an occasion yesterday to consult the I Ching yesterday and the answer I received was..23.6 - 2!
The situation was that there was a snowfall here while my husband and I were away on a trip. When we came home we didn't have chains on the tires and our camper became stuck. While my husband got the bad news from Triple A ("We don't do dirt roads..." grrr) I tossed the coins and received,
23. There is a large fruit still uneaten.
The superior man receives a carriage.
The house of the inferior man is split apart.
"There is a large fruit still uneaten."
Although I hadn't paid attention to this line before, now it seemed to be saying there was something more we could do, but it came with a warning...
"The superior man receives a carriage" Okay, that sounded like if we did things right we'd get our rv unstuck. But..
"The house of the inferior man is split apart" Yikes, the car was on a narrow road and seemed to be saying if a person weren't careful it could slip off and tumble into the ditch!
Anyway, long story longer, my first instinct was to hide in the house and let The Superior Man - my husband - figure out what to do, but then I thought maybe hiding would be the stradigy of the Inferior Man and that would lead to the house splitting apart - either because the rv falls off the road or because by not participating my sence of home is undermined because I didn't participate through thick and thin. That's when I suddenly realized I was dealing with the same hexagram we've been dicussing here. So I thought, well what would Magdalena do?
I then studied Hexagram 2. That seemed rather hopeful with the "mare" able to roam all over the earth (like a car that runs?).
It clearly emphasized the importance of not taking the lead and QUITE perseverance. Then somehow the idea occured to me that while it was too much of a job for my husband with his back, if I offered to help (not "leading", just offering!) we could shovel the car out of the snow. We set to work and ta-ta before long the road was clear and we got the car up and out!!
The funny thing that I thought might be useful to share with you here is that while we were shoveling the snow my sweetie was constantly critisizing my technique, as in "You don't need to worry about that snow, just dig out this snow, toss it over here, hold the shovel this way, etc ., etc." I thought of you having to endure the comments about the meals! Seeing the similarities had me smiling inside, but I persevered - QUIETLY and, lo!, the camper became free and not only that but afterwards we felt we had achieved something together and that made us feel like we are a great team! Perhaps as you and your step-son work through this challange you too will emerge with a sence of a champion teamwork.
Anyway, thanks for bringing your situation and this hexagram to our attention. I certainly benefitted from your sharing!