Help!

I casted, but I'm in serious need of a venting session, and hope you guys don't mind. I just got off the phone with my Mother, who has spent the last 32 years alone. She dated briefly when I was an early teen (maybe 2-3 months), but since then, she returned to her "anti-men" mindset. There are some VERY unhealthy attitudes here with her, ones that I'm trying to ensure I do not adopt through a lot of soul searching, reflection and therapy.

She's not a happy person typically, but seems to perk up and get lively when she knows that someone else is miserable. So, each time I speak with her, at least half of the conversation revolves around how the ex really screwed me and the second half is how "nothing is ever going to evolve with Terry". I remind her that perhaps taking my relationship with Terry back to a friendship for now is the right thing to do for us. Neither of us is ready at the current time for anything more serious. (And let's not forget how none of my love life really is her business!)

Once I tell her that I need time to find myself and that I'm not just going to go out and spend time with men that I'm not interested in, she replies with a "but I'm not telling you to do that". Um, but you did just say that Mom. You said that Terry and I are going nowhere and that I "need to get out there, circulate and spend time with all sorts of men".

Most of my days and nights are spent working in my real estate business and I do go out with friends and socialize, but not on a weekly basis. I have activities I'm involved with, I do community service through my volunteer work on a board of directors, so I'm not a total hermit. But the truth be told, I don't hit the bars and go out with just anyone. I'd rather be at home than be miserable on a date.

I believe that now is my time to heal, reconnect with myself and to let things unfold the way they should in my romantic life. Each day I'm discovering and learning about things and getting emotionally healthier (which prepares me for a better relationship in the future). But, ARGH! Mom! You're so dysfunctional, it drives me nutty!

Okay, vent over. Thanks for listening/reading. I asked the IC right after getting off the phone why Mom is so against a relationship developing between Terry and me and got 7.2.6>23.

I think it's saying Mom (as leader) is out of touch with what's going on in my life and what's best for me. I think it's also saying she's abusing her position in the family here and that 23 is telling me I need to cut away that that does not benefit me (her "advice") and remain calm.

As a side note, earlier today I asked if Terry would be pursuing me again in May, and got 19.2.6>27. I take that to mean that we are at a crucial point, chill out and don't rush anything...as this relationship will have what we both need to nourish us in a balanced way. I think it could also indicate there's still a lot of work to do and/or one of us will always be the one to lead the way a/k/a pursue (probably me), but in the end this will be a relationship that could truly be one to bring us happiness. I like that idea.

I feel so much better sharing this with you. Thanks for letting me rant!

well yes as an 'authority' your mother is completely irrelevant in your relationships.(7.6).you are in charge of them (7.2)

Don't give authority where it doesn't belong

It may help to remember mother daughter boundaries can be so permeable that I think being angry with what our mothers say can also be indistinguishable with being angry with what we are telling ourselves, if that makes sense.

Rather than focus on her, why she does things and her 'abusing her position' though I think its more helpful just to stay focused on your own strength. Organise and discipline yourself (hex 7) don't let these feelings spill over on to her. By locating any authority in her you are distracting yourself from the fact that all that happens in your relationships now is really down to you,not her.

I think when you feel stronger in yourself she won't trouble you so much

Thanks, Trojan!

I think I'm starting to pull myself off the ceiling now, as I have been reminding myself of the progress I've made over the past six months. Not only have I healed from past relationships, but also awakened to the dysfunction that permeates my family. What I think also helps me to get stronger is to look at how Mom's life has turned out and to realize that I am not on the same path.

It was her choice to become a "man hater" after her divorce in 1978 and be alone instead of healing and learning to trust again. She will occasionally make a comment about how she hates being so alone. Mom has always had issues in establishing friendships with female friends as well, so this compounds her loneliness. There are ladies her age that really want to be her friend, as well as a male neighbor who continually tries to earn her favor but she rejects him. Is that what I want for myself? Not at all. I look at that as a reminder that the "advice" she's handing out is something she cannot take herself, nor is she correct about what's best for me.

As always, the IC is right, Trojan. It turns the focus from the "whys" with her, as that will never change to what really is important - how am I going to make wise decisions and grow in my romantic relationships. At least now I recognize how her dysfunctional ways of looking at relationships are unhealthy and can step back.

As a young woman, I would have thought she was right and acted upon her "advice". Now, I try to change the topic of conversation and to find a way to let the frustration I feel subside quickly. Such negative attitudes/perspectives from her can block progress and keep me from moving forward if they stay around me for too long. I will work hard to stay focused on my strength and good times ahead. Thanks for the words of wisdom, I appreciate it, Trojan.

samoyedmom said:

I asked the IC right after getting off the phone why Mom is so against a relationship developing between Terry and me and got 7.2.6>23.

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Sounds more like a control issue, she wants to control you by playing with your head, so its not about Terry or Jim or whoever, its about her and you, she sounds like an aging control freak who "knows" whats best and that you damn well need to listen. Listen to her and you will inevitably end you alone and resentful,like her.

So, next phone call, don't discuss Terry, not one word, if she raises the subject, just tell her your affair is not open to discussion, and if she persists, then say goodbye and put the phone down.

Thanks so much, Willowfox. It's great to know I'm not the only one seeing things this way. I'm glad to know you guys have "got my back" on matters such as this. Now after years of living apart and creating my own life, I can look at Mom's and see how desolate and miserable a situation she has created for herself.

I can understand to some degree why she doesn't want a relationship with a man, after being abused for 18 years from my Father, but it still baffles my mind how/why she will not establish friendships with women. Isn't it in our makeup as humans to desire social interaction? Somehow that doesn't work for her - so, she's left to this lonely, isolated life she has chosen. I feel sorry for her at times, but then remember that the only social interactions she has is only with me around to some degree. Whether it is accompanying her on a trip meant for senior citizens (I've only done that twice, as I think she needs to learn to "play" with friends her own age), taking her out to a meal or even when I was able to get her a job working for my ex. Other than that, the tele is her main companion. Sad, indeed.

That's definitely not what I want for myself. Thank goodness I inherited Dad's outgoing personality and have continued to surround myself with friends my entire life. So, the question is, why would I take the advice of someone who has only watched life being lived through others and not done it herself? You're right, Willowfox. She is an aging control freak and one I won't be taking advice (or the bait in a conversation about men) at all. I don't want to be bitter, distrustful, angry or resentful as she appears to be about life at this point.

We went through a phase with her a few years ago when anything we did (the ex and I) for fun like travel or taking in a local museum or zoo made her furious. I couldn't understand why, until I looked at it from her perspective. Her health wasn't great at that point and she was resentful that I was younger, healthier and able to do things she could no longer do. I think that not only did she feel anger over me leaving her on the sidelines and continuing to have fun without her, but I think the reality of aging had set in. She was most likely reflecting on her life and realized that most of it had passed her by without truly experiencing anything.

The ex commented that her default expression is that of a scowl. I think that speaks volumes on the way she views the world in general.

Thanks for the words of wisdom - it helps me to stay focused on what's really going on and to stay healthy in the process!

samoyedmom said:

That's definitely not what I want for myself. Thank goodness I inherited Dad's outgoing personality and have continued to surround myself with friends my entire life. So, the question is, why would I take the advice of someone who has only watched life being lived through others and not done it herself? You're right, Willowfox. She is an aging control freak and one I won't be taking advice (or the bait in a conversation about men) at all. I don't want to be bitter, distrustful, angry or resentful as she appears to be about life at this point.
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Maybe not my place but I see a great deal of bitterness in calling her an 'aging control freak'...well you didn't Wfox did. We can't comment as we don't know your mum well enough to write her off to this degree ! So my point to you is you say you don't want to be bitter...so don't let others sway you to be bitter to her either. The way to get through this is by strengthening yourself not by denigrating her...

Yeah, Trojan. I agree. I believe in clearing the air and setting clearly defined boundaries with her. I won't shy away from telling her when she's gone too far, but I won't fall into having the same set of emotions where she resides. I'll remain pleasant, be a nice person, stay in her life and be a supportive daughter, as there's no need for both of us to be bitter about it. She's not coming from a healthy place and I cannot change that for her. She is the only one who can. If she decides not to, well, that's her choice.

However, what I can control is my emotions and how I relate to her. I believe that if you put out negative stuff in one aspect of your life, it can clog up other areas as well. I don't want to be the one with a dark storm cloud over my head. Who wants to be with someone so negative? It makes people run away instead of drawing them near you, IMHO.

Instead, I have found peace in letting go of it and letting her be the one to make choices for her outlook in life. I've made my own, and I decided to be happy, remain optimistic that true love will indeed enter my life and to keep that door of my heart open for it to occur. In addition, the person who decides how my life will be led is me and no one else. I think that's a pretty healthy attitude to have.