Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).
What should the question have been to know what I'm hoping to know?
Going back to your original question about what's his Plan.
6.1 makes me think he doesn't have a plan at all. He tried going out with you, there's been a bit of gossip in the neighborhood, but he really hasn't tacked the project of moving on with his life.
6.4 sounds like his "plan" is to just decide it's his fate to be a widower from now on.
Interesting you who are so aware that life is for the living have been brought together with him. Perhaps he is not necessarily The One for you, but it may be by sharing your own experiences - talking more frankly as Trojan suggests - you'll be able to help him as a friend even if you don't become closer.
Of course, maybe he doesn't need your "help." Maybe he's really quite content with his life and his memories. You wont know unless you talk.
I think 61 is encouraging you to be honest with him and I think 53 is cautioning you that the Gradual Progress may not necessarily lead to partnership. You may find as you talk honestly and as the inner feelings are made clear that you don't want to go all the way down this road.There are some Bach Flowers that are specifically for dealing with Grief.
Best wishes,
rosada
I do feel sorry that he is so torn, so guilty, so embarrassed, and such a nice person, all in one. It's confusing and I know he's attracted to me and I am to him. But -- some of this is -- i don't know, victorian?
Other than that, three years, at my stage of life, is a long time that I may be wasting. It's not that I don't know what grief is about, my Mother and I are the only adult members of our family still standing, I've buried all the rest -- father, grandparents, aunts and uncles, siblings, and my husband -- all within less than a decade and some of them quite untimely including my husband who left me with three children to raise -- but I do know that life is quite short and if you want to live in the past you will find yourself living there alone before long. That may sound horribly cold, but as a woman, rather than a man who remain fascinating until their dying day to many women, I don't think i've got forever to make sense of partnershp -- if I'm going to as Sooooo says.
I suppose the Yi is saying, with this fella in mind, it's wait indefinitely or give up. I kind of knew that I suppose.
. Quite possibly I'm not the one to compare notes with because as you say Rosada, I can only mourn so long and then I have to live.
Yes, Rodaki, this is my concern too. I'm making this assumption because he's presenting himself, from time to time, as somebody I should be interested in. I like what I see when I see it. But I can't get close enough consistently to really know WHAT I'm seeing -- and what i'm not.
Yes it seems like hes a 'candidate' for the role of 'partner' yet you've said several times that in 3 years you don't know how much you like him or care about him. Then you sound impatient that you don't have the chance to know if you like or care about him and want him to kind of 'get on with it'
But if you aren't that enamoured with him why would you want to be his partner and why would you be waiting for him to make his mind up ? It sounds like you want the partnership more than you want him, as if there is this expectation you have placed on yourself and him that theres a vacancy to be filled and he may qualify...if only his pesky individuality and feelings didn't get in the way.
I agree with Rosada that you probably have seen him as he is but you are hanging on in the hope theres more hidden away there. I can't see you are doing yourself any favours...or him. Seems the best thing would be to either take it for what it is or if its too little just leave it behind.
You say you can't get close to him but how can you when you already don't accept how he is, how he does things, how he feels. You seem to think he 'should' just move on straight away like his friends...I see no reason why he should do anything with regard to his loss other than in his way at his own time. You will never get close to him unless you accept who he is right now...but as you don't accept him now why will you in the future ?
With respect I feel you objectify him with terms like 'I like what I see when I see it'...but what does that have to do with loving him or caring about him or even accepting him...makes him sound like a car you may or may not buy
No rudeness intended, well no hostility intended, I think I can't help but sound rude in merely expressing the opinion...but I'm very 38 with you on this. I think it would be good for you to drop the idea of him as 'candidate' for the job of your partner and allow closeness, if you want it, by accepting him as he is and respecting his feelings as he is now. There will be no perfect future closeness when hes 'planned' his deceased wife away since if you can't know and accept him now then why would you when he's filed his wife away in a drawer marked 'not to be dwelt upon'
Interesting that he drifts in and out with you. It reads as if he was like that with his wife only it wasn't so obvious because they didn't live together so the drifting aback and forth seemed more like a logistics thing than personalities. He may actually be quite content with your "relationship" and have no idea life has greater possibilities! Mercury turns direct April 23 - time to start talking!
rosada
..but I'm very 38 with you on this.
First, I suppose I've never had the luxury of mourning on and on and on. I don't even know how to do it because tragedies have been back to back in my life and you just have to keep going -- something I've taught all of my children who lost their Dad, grandparents, home, school, friends, stability, all in a short space of time; who have spent much of their adolescent years just making do financially, living hand-to-mouth if need be, in six different countries and God-knows how many schools, just figuring it out emotionally having already dealt with an abusive parent who had no excuse as he was a clinical psychologist. Much that is inexplicable and we just had to cope, and are all still coping because before he left us permanently, he made sure he left us nothing of his substantial wealth either.
It's not that I feel like making direct comparisons, but I look at a man [the one sporadically courting me now] who had forty years of an amazing relationship with someone, four kids upon whom he could lavish everything they might want, huge financial security, two gorgeous homes, and a substantial community position. Except for the loss of his wife three years ago, the worst thing I've ever seen him have to deal with is that they discontinued his brand of kippers at the local shop and I helped him to find another source. So when I think of the way he goes on and on and on about loss I just feel I can't stand being dragged down by him when he gets into that mode. My kids and I have dealt with loss, not just of a loved one, but of absolutely everything and every shred of stability, several times over and in countries where we were "foreigners" with no entitlement, and could barely speak the language. He can't even imagine and i don't want to discuss it.
To my way of thinking he's got a problem that many would envy -- he lost someone who was kind and loving and looked after him even though he only appeared on weekends for twenty years. Lucky him. And my own beliefs about death say that mourning on and on deters the one you love from progress in the next world. They have gone on to a place of eternal happiness -- somewhere we'll all see some day. At least be happy for them. In the meanwhile, there has to be a reason that those who are left are still here on earth with something to learn, so best to get on with learning it.
Also, at his church he is surrounded by a group of women who are enjoying his misery with him, who promote it in every way and gossip endlessly about his "progress" or lack thereof. They seem to revel in the endlessness of it all and it gives them something to think. If I were him I'd never give them the satisfaction.
I suppose there are multiple layers to it all and the questions I have aren't really to do with his wife, or these women, or any of the details. As Rosada says, it has to do with whether there is a future to this because this is just one troublesome aspect I can't see my way around, while most else I know of him is lovely and kind and we get on well.
Also, for Trojan, I asked my clinical psychologist friend if I misunderstood something in thinking I should "vet" anybody who shows interest in me to this extent, as a potential partner, and get some ground rules straight BEFORE I commit my feelings and he says I am dead on in understanding that is exactly what he advised me to do. And it's precisely what I'm doing with this man because I want to have no illusions. Flowers and candy, dinner and concerts and lovely manners are great. But I need to know what he's made of and if he can stand up to the plate and pitch -- come what may -- because I've already known two who couldn't and am much worse for the wear.
Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom
Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).