Looking at these hexagrams, improvement seems doubtful to me. But I'd appreciate any insight you can give.

The situation is between my partner and me. We had a very romantic relationship, but that changed to "just friends" because surgery six months ago caused him physical limitations. I told him I didn't care, but I lied. We have an exclusive but not committed relationship, spend as much time as we can together. I'm being the best friend I know how to be, but feel the lack of intimacy. He doesn't want to talk about it.

And yet, I want to feel optimistic.

poised said:

Looking at these hexagrams, improvement seems doubtful to me. But I'd appreciate any insight you can give.

The situation is between my partner and me. We had a very romantic relationship, but that changed to "just friends" because surgery six months ago caused him physical limitations. I told him I didn't care, but I lied. We have an exclusive but not committed relationship, spend as much time as we can together. I'm being the best friend I know how to be, but feel the lack of intimacy. He doesn't want to talk about it.

And yet, I want to feel optimistic.

Click to expand...

Dear Poised,

There's very little to feel optimistic about here. In short, your reading says that you are after the wrong kind of person, the more you continue on this path, the more humiliating it'll become, and because of that you are screening off people that are good for you.

Also, as a general question - how can one be exclusive but not committed?? That's living in constant limbo. "I won't share you with anyone else, but I won't give you what you deserve either." What the... ? You deserve better than that.

31.2.3.4 to 29 will situation improve?

kkappa said:

, your reading says that you are after the wrong kind of person, the more you continue on this path, the more humiliating it'll become, and because of that you are screening off people that are good for you.

Also, as a general question - how can one be exclusive but not committed?? That's living in constant limbo. "I won't share you with anyone else, but I won't give you what you deserve either." What the... ? You deserve better than that.

Click to expand...

Dear kkappa: Many thanks for your response. I appreciate your straightforward analysis.What exactly says I am with the wrong kind of person? You are correct about that, as we have too-large age difference and we come from very different parts of the forest.

But I did not see "wrong kind of person" in the hexagrams or lines and would like to know what you saw.

It has been a long slow slide toward the end.. the slide could continue for quite a while, as we are involved in a creative project together, club memberships, etc. He is increasingly self-absorbed, partly because he's exhausted from job pressures and partly because he's losing interest. I'm losing interest and sinking into depression too. I've "fired him" three times, but separation only lasts a few days and he's back.

Exclusive but not committed suits both of us. Age difference precludes marriage, we decided going in that we did want "just us" closeness while it lasted. It was really delightful until that surgery, and ever since, it's been increasingly difficult to be with him. It isn't that he won't, he can't. So I try to be a caring friend to this big strong good-lookng guy who has to face some very unpleasant facts. There's a remote possibility that over time, his problem might heal itself. Thus my original question...will situation improve?

In the end, it's not my fault, not my problem, and I cannot fix him.

poised said:

Dear kkappa: Many thanks for your response. I appreciate your straightforward analysis.What exactly says I am with the wrong kind of person? You are correct about that, as we have too-large age difference and we come from very different parts of the forest.

But I did not see "wrong kind of person" in the hexagrams or lines and would like to know what you saw.

It has been a long slow slide toward the end.. the slide could continue for quite a while, as we are involved in a creative project together, club memberships, etc. He is increasingly self-absorbed, partly because he's exhausted from job pressures and partly because he's losing interest. I'm losing interest and sinking into depression too. I've "fired him" three times, but separation only lasts a few days and he's back.

Exclusive but not committed suits both of us. Age difference precludes marriage, we decided going in that we did want "just us" closeness while it lasted. It was really delightful until that surgery, and ever since, it's been increasingly difficult to be with him. It isn't that he won't, he can't. So I try to be a caring friend to this big strong good-lookng guy who has to face some very unpleasant facts. There's a remote possibility that over time, his problem might heal itself. Thus my original question...will situation improve?

In the end, it's not my fault, not my problem, and I cannot fix him.

Click to expand...

Hehe, well nobody has every claimed that I sugarcoat anything so I'm glad that it didn't make you feel too defensive. I guess you could say that "the wrong kind of person" was more of an impression of the whole situation + personal experience with 31.3 and since the lines did not support your case either...

I looked a little deeper into the lines and got this: 31.2.3.4>28.3.4>47.4>29 where:

31.2.3.4 - stay calm, don't react on impulse and wait for a clear reason to act. also, line 4 seems to suggest that you are trying to manipulate the situation to your advantage? But the screening off part still applies.

28.3.4 - the situation is way over your head, and you want to know how it'll end (or even push it towards some sort of conclusion), but you should refrain from this and become master of the situation in a sincere, honest way without emotions.

47.4 - you feel opressed by all this, and because of this you're going to face some trouble, but you will overcome this and it'll all become more clear to you...

29 ...especially if you are sincere.

If I were you, I'd actually ask "what can I do to improve my relationship with x?" In that case you will have no doubt what this is supposed to be - a make or break (for the fourth and final time).

31.2.3.4 to 29 will situation improve?

kkappa said:

Hehe, well nobody has every claimed that I sugarcoat anything so I'm glad that it didn't make you feel too defensive. I guess you could say that "the wrong kind of person" was more of an impression of the whole situation + personal experience with 31.3 and since the lines did not support your case either...
.....
If I were you, I'd actually ask "what can I do to improve my relationship with x?" In that case you will have no doubt what this is supposed to be - a make or break (for the fourth and final time).

Click to expand...

Thanks for your more detailed analysis, kkappa...it suggests, in my mind,there's at least a possibility that hanging in and roll with it, uncomfortable tho it may be, might be worthwhile.

THEN, I took your advice and asked "what can I do to improve my relationship with J?" Oh dear, not much apparently: 38.4 to 41. LOL Seems that I've been staring at the bottom of the barrel far too long.

Perhaps it's just time to give it up and move on, wherever "on"is. Actually, last night I dreamed of being with a different man, a stranger with certain similarities to J...thought it might be a different aspect of him. Not as devastatingly attractive, but willing to overcome opposition to be with me. Go figure.

I suspected that I may be all too familiar with your dilemma. So... 38, my personal favorite (sarcasm is my middle name!) is about two siblings with different agendas. The case is simple though (but easier said than done) - if you two don't share the same values, such as the importance of intimacy and communication within any relationship (though again, I would bring up the "exclusive but not committed" aspect that plays a part in all of this) then you are better off removing yourself from this picture. Keep your dignity, even if it's the last thing you do. You've already broken up with him three times, I mean, what more proof do you need that this relationship isn't feeding your soul?

What's interesting, in this line again you've got the aspect of screening off people that can have a much better influence on you. Have you by any chance neglected your friends/family for this man? In any case, I'm pretty sure you are a wonderful woman and that no sincerely interested man should have to "overcome opposition to be with you". They would quite simply just be with you and give you their all.

Love and light to you,
K

Hi. Considering those hexagrams, the key word that stands out to me is 'sincerity.' If you are sincere, then even the Abysmal need not be..well....abysmal. ;-) However, sincerity is what is lacking in this situation, because you say yourself that you lied about being ok with it. I'm not saying that isn't an uncommon thing to do given the strange turn of events in your relationship. However, it is not sincere. You can't have any influence on someone if you aren't being honest with them about what you want/ need. The glimmer of hope I can see here is that maybe being honest with him about how you feel will turn things around. However, if the nature of these physical issues means that you will never have that intimacy with him again, be honest with yourself about whether you are willing to have this kind of relationship. If the honest answer is no, break away from the relationship sooner rather than later, because otherwise you're going to be torturing yourself.

The judgement of both hexagrams is actually success, if you are sincere in all you do, but I get an 'artificial' vibe from the current nature of your relationship, and this seems to be the issue. Lots of luck xxx

kkappa said:

I suspected that I may be all too familiar with your dilemma. So... 38, my personal favorite (sarcasm is my middle name!) is about two siblings with different agendas......

What's interesting, in this line again you've got the aspect of screening off people that can have a much better influence on you. Have you by any chance neglected your friends/family for this man? In any case, I'm pretty sure you are a wonderful woman and that no sincerely interested man should have to "overcome opposition to be with you". They would quite simply just be with you and give you their all.

Love and light to you,
K

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Hi again kkappa: Indeed, somewhat different agendas....i.e., he likes to gamble. I'd never been to a casino before. He likes playing, I like winning. He's a really macho man. I'm a really girly (old) girl. ..I'm a health nut, he likes McDonald's. (Gawd) ..Lots of built-in oppositions. In the dream, I was in an audience listening to a huge tall bagged out woman with pulled-up black hair who was trying to give a speech. Very emphatic, but her face, her mouth, her words were distorted, so I really have no clue what she was saying. Looked like someone from the South Seas, probably Melanesian. She did not want me to get together with this man in the audience who looked somewhat like J. So naturally I did. He and I were both surprised to find that we were lovers. Nuff said.

I had a similar dream 14 months ago when I first started seeing J. That time, it was definitely him, and the woman was furious with me, came flying out of the building they were in straight toward me in a most threatening manner. I just stood there and watched her in the dream and when she got very close, she went "poof" and disappeared. As it turned out, it was probably his ex. Sayonara, Sally.

Does any man ever give his all? Would I want him to? Could I reciprocate? I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm not going out of my way to end it with J, but I am getting my mind clear enough to do so if or when necessary. Many thanks for all your help :bows:

fleur said:

Hi. Considering those hexagrams, the key word that stands out to me is 'sincerity.' If you are sincere, then even the Abysmal need not be..well....abysmal. ;-) However, sincerity is what is lacking in this situation, because you say yourself that you lied about being ok with it.

The judgement of both hexagrams is actually success, if you are sincere in all you do, but I get an 'artificial' vibe from the current nature of your relationship, and this seems to be the issue. Lots of luck xxx

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Thanks for pointing out that that the judgement of those hexagrams is success if I am sincere in all I do. There are many aspects of this relationship I have not discussed, but you are right on the money in pointing out my lack of sincerity about one of those very important things.

However, I would not dream of complaining about the lack of intimacy under the circumstances. Story: I once had two siamese cats. Had the male fixed after one litter of kittens. When the female came into heat again, she went to him, but he couldn't perform. He was dreadfully embarrassed when she went to the window and yowled, as if to say, "Hey fellahs." I don't think he ever got over it.

Nonetheless, we certainly have a certain variety of other interests and a mutual project of importance to both of us. He is a therapist working with alcohol and drug addicts. I have edited books on the topic. His approach is absolutely unique, powerful, effective.. We've started a book, but I have to do all of the work and I'm very far behind. If I were "sincerely in the work," as you suggest, the relationship outlook would improve no end. But I'm stuck on wanting from him what he cannot give. And debating whether to give up all personal aspects of the relationship and just do the book from a distance, since we cannot be all lovey-dovey any more. I was going to say safe distance, but I don't think any distance is safe emotionally for me. Maybe. Better if it were.

Thanks for your astute observation. And best wishes