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Violent abuse and rape - How does Tao feel about pressing charges? Hex 48 unchanging

WiteWidoW

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So a friend of mine was severely beaten and raped by her bf last week. For me as a doctor working the ER going to the police is a no-brainer. He is also a friend of mine and I a shocked at what has happened. Alcohol was a huge part of it (as it very often is), and he obviously has serious alcohol issues (iwas unaware at how serious that was).

My friend is very mild and sweet person, but this is the third abusive relationship she's been in.. So obviously she needs a lot of self work. However, right now we are in the middle of the shock/crisis and trying to figure out how to deal.

She doesn't really want to press charges, he is not from here and could risk getting into problems regarding his visa. I basically told her she needs to quit thinking abt him, and start thinking abt what is good for her. She is not sure going thru a process which follows pressing charges is something she wants to do. We decided to confer with yijing.

So I asked: How does Tao feel about pressing charges? Hex 48 unchanging

I then asked: What is Tao's advice on taking this matter to the authorities? 46.1.6>26

Outcome if she presses charges: 15.6>52

And finally outcome if she doesn't press charges: 42.1.3.6>39

Not an easy situation. I am inclined to read that pressing charges will actually give good results (48), and that she is right in doing so. However, she must be prepared for potential hardship and insecurity on the way and keep steadfast on her path. Outcome could be that he reduces his arrogance, and it has a positive impact on him? And if she doesn't press charges she will lose a good opportunity to have an effect and actually the striking will continue? I am really just guessing on the last one though..

This is quite a difficult case, I really appreciate any help with all my heart!
 

newlife123

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Well I guess it would have to be proven as rape. And if pressing charges might get him deported then all the better.
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To me his is sounds more like a moral and criminal issue and not something the I Ching should answer. So lets say like your last reading says 39 Obstruction. So it might mean that if she goes to the cops she won't get any charges to stick. So does that mean she best not do anything about it? Sometimes you have to do what you have to do regardless of what I Ching says.
 
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WiteWidoW

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Yeah, but she doesn't really want to press charges. And at the end of the day, it is her choice, her responsibility. She is going to have to live with her decision, one way or the other, not me. The reason why she wanted to consult the yijing is because she is wondering if pressing charges would lead to a good thing (learning and growth) or a bad thing (disbelief, stress, and potentially causing an even more dangerous situation in the future). I know all too well that these types of cases have a tendency to be put aside, the victim is oftentimes put thru quite a heavy ordeal, on top of everything else one has experienced. And of course, she still loves him.. It is not like a button one turns off even though he has acted in a completely unacceptable manner towards her. It necessarily takes some time.

Most rapes happen between husband/wife boyfrined/girlfriend, unfortunately, and yes, proof here is purely circumstantial.

Would it help to press charges, or would it be a hindrance? Because of the fuzziness and grey areas in such cases, you are not guaranteed that the police will be on the victim's side. :(
 

kdedeaux4

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WiteW,
My heart breaks for your friend's situation:( I'm not confident enough in my Yi experience to offer an interpretation of your casting on such a critical issue. However, having been through something similar, I felt compelled to comment with my thoughts from my experience.
My first inclination is that your interp was excellent and I second newhope123's sentiments as well. In addition, you're right, it is an exceedingly difficult task to have actual charges brought against a boyfriend or husband for rape. Often, even with evidence of severe abuse, it comes down to a "he said/she said" type of case and many prosecutors don't like trying those at all(this probably has a lot to do with your county and specific prosecutor). You are absolutely right on when you say she'll need to be "steadfast" and prepare for the challenge ahead if she chooses to report this. It is very difficult emotionally to go through such an ordeal and then the feelings she has for this man further add to her challenge.
That said, I sincerely hope she does choose to report this regardless of the negative effects it may have on him. The positive outcomes for him will take time and reflection along with righteous punishment. Thus, the only potential for him to actually gain from the situation comes from the punishment itself and its long-term effects, whatever they might be. No positives from his terrible choice to do this come from him not being held accountable. He merely gets the message that it's not really such a "big deal" after all and newhope is right, no society needs people running around with that horribly mistaken idea.
My thoughts and prayers to your friend as she makes this decision. And blessings to you for being there for her through this, regardless of what she chooses to do legally.:hug:
 

WiteWidoW

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Thank you so much for your good words.

It is healthy to talk to others who have had such experiences, I believe that these things when shared openly lose their ominous power to make us feel like shitty, unworthy beings. Also, a thing to remember in all this, is that the abuser was himself abused as a child. This is something which one tends to forget because of the shock of the violence one has experienced or witnessed and tends to push forward for punishment. I am not interested in punishing him, and neither is my friend. What we both want is for him to go thru therapy and with baby steps, learn how to make better choices for himself.

We have found a way around it, so I will leave you with that update. I don't know, maybe it relates to the readings as well and can be used as such? I will let you be the judge of that.

We have something called ATV (alternative to violence) and it is a course for abused and abusers to learn healthful life changes, tools and techniques on controlling aggression, and I guess some self-therapy although I am not too familiar with the details. We will tell him that he must go to this course, and if he doesn't, me and another friend will press charges against him. We are able as witnesses to a crime to press charges on her behalf. That way, she is out of it, and he gets a choice and a pretty heavy reaction from his friends that this is most certainly not ok and he needs to deal with it ASAP.

Thank you so much for your help both of you, it has been a very intense week and I hope that this will finally bring some well-needed peace to my friend so that she can finally start sleeping well at night.

:bows:
 

WiteWidoW

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Of course he has a different story. He told me she was crazy, and basically was blaming her. But there is no story in this world he can tell that justify the amount of bruises, bitemarks, 2cm crack in the head and blown eardrum that I witnessed with my own eyes on my friend. She is 50 kg, he is 100 kg of muscle.. There is no justification for this extensive violence, which ended in rape.. No justification at all.
 

WiteWidoW

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Well, he doesn't actually have a different story, he admitted to beating the crap out of her.. but it was her fault that he lost his temper and beat her so much.. soooo.... for me that's a no-go.
 

newlife123

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Of course he has a different story. He told me she was crazy, and basically was blaming her. But there is no story in this world he can tell that justify the amount of bruises, bitemarks, 2cm crack in the head and blown eardrum that I witnessed with my own eyes on my friend. She is 50 kg, he is 100 kg of muscle.. There is no justification for this extensive violence, which ended in rape.. No justification at all.

Cop need to be called. What country is he from anyways?
 

WiteWidoW

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Bulgaria.

Is crazy... i was so shocked, i would never have believed he would do such a thing, he stood by my side when i went thru my break-up and was pregnant, he took care of me, such a good guy. Then he turns around and does this... i am dumbfounded, shocked and most of all just really really sad.
 

newlife123

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so does the girl have permanent hearing loss now? I just put Bulgaria on my do not visit list.
 

meng

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I am inclined to read that pressing charges will actually give good results (48), and that she is right in doing so. However, she must be prepared for potential hardship and insecurity on the way and keep steadfast on her path. Outcome could be that he reduces his arrogance, and it has a positive impact on him? And if she doesn't press charges she will lose a good opportunity to have an effect and actually the striking will continue? I am really just guessing on the last one though..

I'd go with that. Except I'm not as optimistic that his hitting would stop, nor that the emotional scars of it can ever be forgotten. I think her bucket needs to be lowered deeper into the well, carefully, and draw it up within herself, before she's equipped to take on her abuser.
 

WiteWidoW

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Update: Charges were not pressed. I haven't really talked to my friend a lot since it happened. In fact, me and another of his close friends have kind of just pulled away from him since it happened. My gf who this happened to has done quite well, working through her issues, although she still struggles with certain things that can pop up randomly. They work together sporadically, and though they have a civil tone, she is of course not keen on having him too close. She still has unresolved feelings, which i think is largely connected to the fact that she doesn't feel he takes this seriously.

It might seem as if he is trying to sweep this under the carpet, and i have a feeling that his culture don't take domestic violence as seriously as our culture does. He has not made any effort to make amends or ask for forgiveness, so maybe she should have pressed charges so that he would have understood the gravity of the situation. Anyway, too late now..
 

TygerChild

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The outcome of pressing charges looks good to me (hex 52). KEEPING STILL. The outcome of not pressing charges is Hex 39, OBSTRUCTION.
But the legal outcome might be different from the personal, so maybe these two aspects need to be separated in formulating any question of the I ching?
In the end, I suppose the question is, what will enable this person to feel less like a victim and more able to take control of their lives again.
Again, the legal process and distress that that may cause is one thing; the long term result of what might be successful prosecution is another factor to consider.
Excruciatingly difficult decisions can only really be made by the person offended because the matter of 'feeling responsible' is key here.
 
S

sooo

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How sad. The pr*ck needs to be sent to prison or at the very least, deported and his visa denied. I don't know where this happened, but here it's a felony and the victim has a minimum ten years to file charges of rape and assault. In some cases, there is no statute of limitations. It's not too late, nor is it too late for 42.6 to happen if she doesn't press charges.
 

Greenkid

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Without any help from Y, your friend should most certainly report to the authority, mark my words he will do it again. I had an abusive husband, he always said he was sorry then abused me and the children again and again, and of course it was always my fault. This louse hasn't even said 'sorry' get rid of him.
 

bookishjen

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WiteWidow, I am so very sorry about your friend. It must be painful to watch your friend endure such terrible abuse.

I am far from an expert in the Iching, but I find it interesting that your question about pressing charges was answered with The Well (48). I've always understood The Well to be the human collective, or if we're going to be fancy, Jung's collective unconscious. I'm wondering if the Iching is telling you that pressing charges of a crime is not only to protect your friend but also a matter of public interest. Allowing the crime to go unpunished would allow this man to act this way again -- either towards your friend or to someone else -- and in this sense would harm us all.

Again, far from an expert, but this is what popped into my head when I read your post.
 

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