Hi folks

A guy asked me out about 14 months ago - we dated for a couple of months before he decided that he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. He had broken up with his ex about 11 months before we dated (which makes that about 2 years next month). He told me during our time together that he felt, in relation to her, that it was "very much time to move on". However, as I said, after a couple of months he revealed that he wasn't ready to be in another relationship.

I was pretty irritated for quite a while (I mean, if you're not ready to be in a relationship, don't go asking women out - duh.....) (oh and by the way, for our American friends, dating in Ireland is quite different to dating in the US. Over there, it's accepted that dating is quite casual, whereas over here, when men ask women out it's a pretty serious indication that they would like a girlfriend and to establish a relationship - whether that then gets serious or not down the line is another issue). But then I got over it and realised that I liked his company and he liked mine and that was too rare to just throw away. So since then we've been out "as friends" a few times - dinner, movies, a hike in the country.

I asked recently "What does G need from me now?" and got 37 unchanging. I mean, it sounds good on the surface (maybe he wants to move things on, maybe he needs security and stability from me, etc etc - all of which sound like relationship moves to me) but on the other hand, the lines at the end say "Injury on the outside means turning back towards the home, and so People in the Home follows". I'm confused as to whether this means that he's concentrating on being with his family of origin at the moment? Or does it mean that he sees me as family? I don't believe that he harbours any hurt from his previous relationship, so I'm not sure how the "injury on the outside" fits in. Him regarding me as family could cut both ways: he could see me as a sister (not good!) or as a future partner raising a family (good!). Grateful for any insight. BTW, we only really see each other once every six weeks or so, if that.

PS: after that I asked "What should I do about G?" and got Measuring 60.5 (no surprises there) changing to Nearing (19).

37 unchanging

I think hex 37 is about roles and rules. A family is bound by roles and rules. He needs you to be stable and reliable. A "friend" can be almost anyone, including flaky or outlandish people, but when it comes to "family members," we know the traits we admire the most.

You are hoping that the situation develops along certain lines, but right now it really seems like he is not thinking of having children with you. Maybe you had better get the issue out on the table and not keep this question inside you. Hilary's relationship sticky at the beginning of Shared Readings stresses that it is good to openly ask questions of the other person instead of asking Yi.

Yeah, I'd been thinking of laying it out next time we met up - ie, asking him was it that a) he was not interested in a relationship, or b) he was not interested in a relationship with ME. I also need to make clear to him that I AM interested in a relationship, because this halfway house thing is bugging me. For instance, I texted him to go to the cinema last week. He apologised, thanked me for the thought, and said he couldn't because of a work thing. However he never proposed an alternative time and date. As against that, he's asked me out to dinner twice since July. What the hell is a guy of 35 doing not wanting a relationship anyway? He's not 18, for god's sake.

Also at 45 I'm pretty much past the age of having children so that's not an issue for me. It may be an issue for him, however, which I will need to clarify with him.

specialk said:

he could see me as a sister (not good!) or as a future partner raising a family (good!).

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The sentence above gave me the impression you wanted to have children with him. But maybe there already are children from previous marriages?

Anyway, it's good you are thinking of bringing all your concerns out into the open. It's not good keeping such important concerns inside yourself.

I asked today "what does the future hold for G and I?" and got Earth, unchanging. To me that indicates steadiness and reliability, not to mention home (there's that theme again!). However, the fact that we don't really see each other from one end of the month to the next makes a total sham of the whole thing. Leaving aside the relationship aspect, if you're friends with someone, you want their company. Why else bother being friends? I've no issue with telling him exactly what's on my mind the next time we meet, but a) at this rate god knows when that will be, and b) I won't be the one initiating the meeting. Ginnie, I've no further interest in having children (I did when I was younger, but it was not to be, and I've made my peace with that) so no, I'm not worried about having a family with him (unless he was hell-bent on having one, in which case adoption). It's totally not an issue for me. However, as I say, it may be one for him. If it is, he has certainly never said any such thing. He's totally wrapped up in work at the moment. I personally have no time for this "I don't want to be in a relationship" nonsense. We're humans. We're DESIGNED to be in relationships. He's 35 - to me it's not normal for a guy of 35 to not want to be in a stable relationship. His last one broke up two years ago - that's more than enough of a hiatus. Also, I don't think I've ever experienced a time where I actively didn't want to be in a relationship. There have been times I've been single but more than open to meeting someone, but there have never been times where I've just shut myself off from the possibility. What's he going to do - stay single for the rest of his life all for the sake of work? Utter nonsense. The rest of the world manages to hold down BOTH a job AND a relationship.

Ginnie: No, he doesn't have any kids from previous relationships. But the whole kids issue is the only valid reason, in my book, that he might not want to get involved. Not to blow my own trumpet but I've been told by others that I make a great partner/girlfriend, and I know he's attracted to me (because he's told me so) so what's the issue? I really thought all this "I don't want a relationship" crap would be over and done with at our age.

specialk said:

after that I asked "What should I do about G?" and got Measuring 60.5 (no surprises there) changing to Nearing (19).

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This says to limit how much you think about him. I think you two are not on the same page relationship-wise and lord only knows how much work would be involved in bringing you together.

Thanks so much, that's just wonderful.