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Rotten Bait

calumet

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Rotten, oh my lord, smelling to heaven. I have gathered in my trap lines, retired from the trapping business; I've heavily pruned my grapevine. And still the bait, smelly and disgusting, is being dangled right under my nose. Incredulous, I actually watched him set it out today. Unbelievable! He's more manipulative than I am--but not as subtle.
happy.gif
I can put a clothespin on my nose and turn away, but the bait will still be there, rotting and stinking, when I turn back around.

Baldy is an abuser, which is not to say that every lovers' quarrel and every failed relationship is abusive. But this relationship was abusive. And offhand I'd say he is having a hard time accepting that he's lost control.

Q: What is going on?
A: 6.3.4.5-->18.

I'll say.
 

RindaR

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Calumet,

Open the doors and windows and air out the house. Enjoy the fruits of your labour and don't look back.

Rinda
 

calumet

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Drats, where is that Anonymous sign-in option when you need it?

Since realizing a few weeks ago the blindingly obvious fact that the relationship I've just gotten out of was abusive, I've immersed myself in psychological and sociological readings about the dynamics of these relationships. Not that I don't know abusive relationships only too well emotionally and from the inside; but I always find an outside intellectual perspective helpful in solving problems. And this is one problem I have no intention of getting myself into ever again if there is any way of avoiding it.

Today I was reading Donald G. Dutton's book on the psychology of batterers. At the end of a gut-wrenching chapter describing how the seeds of this behavior are sown in boys, he writes, "At this point the abusiveness is hardwired into the system. The man is programmed for intimate violence. No woman on earth can save him, although some will try."

You talk about your resonance. Out came the yarrow stalks.

Q: Tell me about me and this passage.
A: 2.0

Great.
 

calumet

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More rotten bait. I've let it rot, and in one instance I believe he was more than passively aware I was spurning it.

Since realizing what I'd gotten myself into, or rather out of, I've done quite a lot of reading about the dynamics of domestic abuse. I read, for example, that what triggers the violent cycle is the abuser's misreading of his victim's behavior. He sees her do something that triggers his fear of abandonment, and then jumps to the irrational conclusion that she's planning to abandon him, which would leave him alone (horrible) and shamed (the worst). She wants to go out with her girlfriends (obviously to met new guys); or her new boss is attractive and single; or she stays late at work. Suddenly the abuser's mind is off to the races, and he imagines she's either sleeping with someone else or about to. Well, thinks the abuser, I'm not going to put up with that. I'll show her a thing or two. He begins playing what people who work with these men call "the b*tch tape."

Reading this made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I actually had to put the book down for a few hours, because I remembered that what really set Baldy off was my fixing up my house. We didn't live together, and this is MY house. I did the work myself--painting the interior and exterior, replacing moldings, putting in new flooring. Sad to say, a woman who does those things with her own hands and with supplies purchased with money she earned herself probably communicates a certain level of independence, which is exactly what an abuser does NOT want to see. Too bad--I was and am proud of what I have accomplished; and my place looks great. But I found it downright weird that he suddenly began asking me whether I was getting my house ready to sell so that I could move out of state. Sometimes when things piled up on me--kids, work, all of that--I'd joke that I was going to run away to Tahiti or Montana. But while moving isn't out of the question for me--I hope it never will be--a reasonable person can see that I'm pretty well ensconced. I couldn't figure out why he was asking if I was intending to pick up and move. So I'd tell him, The place needs some work, don't you think? He'd shrug that off with a joke or change the subject. But it was clear my home improvement projects were bothering him, and I couldn't figure out why. Now I know.

I bring this up now because of something I learned earlier today. As stated above, I have mothballed my trap lines and hard-pruned my grapevine. Those of you who've had the "opportunity" to study and experience hex 23--or those of you who garden--know that pruning leads to healthy new growth. Well, maybe I ought to burn that grapevine to the ground, because I happened to get a report earlier today from one of the new tendrils: Baldy is now announcing to the world (or to anyone who will listen) that you have two choices in life: To burn out, or to fade away. Which, he asks his audience, is better?

This leaps off the page because when an abuser realizes his victim isn't coming back, he becomes depressed and often threatens suicide. If those threats are serious, he'll sometimes decide to take his former victim with him. He's not stalking me or I'd report him; and I'm pretty sure I'm safe, so that isn't an issue. I'm truly sorry if he's miserable, but he did it to himself. I can't help him, and the "woe is me" act isn't going to work.

Q: What is this "burn out or fade away" business about?
A: 35.0

Q: Are you saying this is progress for him?
A: 7.5-->29

Hmmmm. Maybe progress for me too. I'm going dancing tonight--can't wait!
 

martin

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I enjoy your posts, Calumet. You are sooooo direct and no-nonsense. Or what is it? Perhaps I use the wrong words, but anyway, there is great clarity in what you write. And although this situation with Baldy is probably rather unpleasant you have a very funny way of describing it. Apparently you haven't lost your humor in the process, however painful it may be.
And a long as you can laugh, what can happen to you? You are invulnerable.
Now go dance girl, dance all night, dance until the birds awaken. They will dance with you ..
happy.gif
 

calumet

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Thank you, Martin. It has been very painful at times; but as someone once said, without humor nothing is funny.
 

heylise

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I love your posts, and above all I admire your decisions and your strength to make them.

zen2.gif

LiSe
 

calumet

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This just in from the grapevine. Baldy's boasting of having "nailed" someone. Maybe true, maybe not, but in any case it's entirely clear he's continuing to search for others to "nail." (Don't you love that term?) I personally am not even near to being ready to get that close to someone. A 3- or 4-minute dance with a complete stranger is about all the intimacy I can easily tolerate right now.

My almost flat response to his boast surprised me. No tearing out of hair or rending of garments, no new skull-shaped dents in the wall board. Maybe it hasn't hit me? But I think it's that my interest now is more along the line of someone moderately knowledgeable about helminthology watching an autocannibalistic worm devour itself. A little morbid, undeniably creepy, but fascinating in its way.

LiSe--thank you. Here's a thought to add to your wonderful question about how best to eat someone: Sometimes the thing to do is just stand back and let him eat himself.

Q: What about all this?
A: 64.4.6-->7

Yes.
 

Frankelmick

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Calumet,

Here's my advice for what it's worth.

Please look after yourself now. Nothing else matters. Give yourself love and love and love and more love.

And be patient with yourself. It may take months or it may take years.

It takes as long as it takes.

Best wishes,

Mick
 
S

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Hi Calumet, I admire your reaction to his "nailing" someone. Yeah, lovely expression, brings to mind all sorts of sadomasochistic images
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I am not as good as you, being that I am banging my head against the wall a bit. Not that I am jealous of my husbands new girlfriend (see my post need additional insight), he could bang the entire state of Florida for all I care. But I am sick at the injustice of it, or at least it seems like that to me. After everything he has put me through, including breaking up my chance to be with someone I really cared about, how is it right that he is with someone and I'm not??? Yeah, I know, life isn't always fair, and I could have someone too if I lowered my standards to his, but it still makes me want to beat my head against the wall. I just keep thinking when is it my turn to find someone??? You are dealing with yours so much better, how do you do it?
 

calumet

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Seeker, part of the reason I'm unconcerned is that my situation is different from yours. I wasn't married to Baldy, or even living with him. He was physically, verbally, and psychologically abusive, and he gave me nothing but grief; perforce, I relied on him for nothing but hope. When I am in love with someone, I can be very possessive and jealous. But when I'm through, I'm really through. As painful as this breakup has been, I know that Baldy is crazier than a sh*thouse rat; and I'm mostly relieved finally to have spun out of his orbit.

Another thing is that I'm not sure he's being entirely truthful about having "nailed" someone. It's possible he's trying to make himself look less like a loser. Also, he continues to attempt to bait me--"Come here, see, I'm right over here, come and get it"--and it's possible that he's trying to make me jealous enough to respond to his ploys. Well, he could have a harem and I wouldn't care. And even if he is "nailing" someone, so what? I have up close and personal experience of what he thinks of as "having sex" and "being intimate." I want no part of it, and I pity any woman who tries to get close to him. Does that sound like sour grapes? Well let me tell you--them's SOME sour grapes.

For a very long time I didn't realize that I was being abused. If you wonder how a woman can get into and stay in an abusive relationship, I'm here to tell you that it's shockingly easy. I am reasonably bright, successful, independent, and personable. I do, however, have a few quirks, and Baldy knew exactly how to exploit them. The abuse began so slowly and insidiously that by the time it was going full tilt, I'd completely lost my perspective and couldn't see what was happening. It was a slow, constant nibbling away at my borders, like brainwashing, a slow erosion of my "self" until I almost wasn't there. Toward the end I sometimes was aware of being afraid of him and could not fool myself into thinking that what I felt was anything but pure fear. Yet ultimately, it wasn't the abuse itself that got me out of the relationship. What got me out was my unhappiness. I was utterly miserable, with no relief in sight. And I knew that I don't have to live that way.

So why am I calm and clinical about the possibility that Baldy's "nailing" someone? Because I don't want him any more. Another reason: I know that underneath his bluster and swagger he hides even more misery than he inflicts on the women he victimizes. He may think, and want others to think, that he's cutting quite the swath through the female population; but as I've said, he's no prize, and he's no bargain. I know what's under all the BS. He's destroying himself and all I feel toward him is a vague pity.

Another reason for my lack of concern: I can see that he's out to avenge himself on as many "b*tches" as he can. (This is another charming term I hear he's using quite a lot lately.) You don't have to be a moral philosopher or a scholar of the Yi to see the self- and other-destructiveness, and the general ugliness, of that attitude and behavior. He is a very troubled man, and he will create nothing but misery for himself and any woman who makes the mistake of getting involved with him. I'm glad I'm no longer among them.

Q: Does this make any sense?
A: 28.4.5--46
 
S

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Our situations are closer than you realize. Although I was married to my abuser and you were not, the pattern is amazingly similar. He systematically cut me off from all my family and friends, and I did not even realize he was doing it. That eroding of self you mentioned, that is exactly what happened to me. I found myself doing things that I look back on and think what was I thinking. Some of them, I'd be embarrasses to admit, even to my closest friend. I have recently reconnected with the family and friends I was estranged from, and every single one has said the exact same thing, that although they know I am a bit lonely, I look better than I have in a long time. They all say that I look happier and more at peace, more like my old self. Through the marriage counseling I discovered that I have this habit of changing to fit the person I am with. I am the ultimate chameleon. It means I can fit in almost anywhere, but it almost means it is very easy to lose myself in someone that I love. Deep down I have this fear that they won't love the real me, so I gradually become the person they want me to be. My husband exploited that fear quite nicely. He was looking at other women, wanting 3-somes or the open marriage. It eroded my self esteem, made me feel like I wasn't enough. Like you, I now know that the problem isn't me, it's him. He is a deeply disturbed person, even beyond the bi-polar. And like you, I pity anyone who gets involved with him. The only saving grace is that I convinced him years ago to have a vasectomy.
 

calumet

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What were you thinking? "If I go along with this, maybe it will make him happy and then he will make me happy at last."

Recommended song for busting this fantasy: "I Don't Have to Live This Way," by Alison Krauss and Union Station.

If your husband was abusive, then of course the pattern was similar. Input A (or maybe A' if the situation is very complex), therefore output B (or maybe B'). If your ex had certain very common kinds of experiences as a child, and grew up in the same world the rest of us did, he will behave in certain predictable ways unless he goes to the great trouble to learn alternative behaviors. The same is true for you ... and for me.

To most individual people, human behavior looks remarkably diverse. From a very slightly different perspective, human behavior is tightly patterned. (Which is why the Yi is so useful. A whole lot of somebodies took the trouble to write down the major distinct patterns and to comment on them.) We like to think we are free and have many options, but in reality we do not. You don't choose the cards you're dealt; you just play them as best you can.

Recommended card-playing (actually dice-throwing) song: "Good Run of Bad Luck," by Clint Black.

Recommended song when you're sick of the whole thing and just want to sink into a comforting fantasy: "Lie to Me," by Jonny (correct spelling) Lang.
 

calumet

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One step forward, two steps back. Or is it one step back, two steps forward? Anyhow ... recovery is proceeding fitfully. I'm not sure how it started, but this morning I spent about an hour working myself into a dither, which finally culminated in something like, "Woe is me! I could be missing out on a lot!" At that point sanity returned, and the rest of the internal conversation went something like this:

Me: Missing out on a lot of what?
Me: Well, you know.
Me: Yes, I know very well.
Me: But he wants me back.
Me: He's courting others while he tries to lure you back so he can abuse you some more. Is that what you want?
Me: Well ... no ... I guess not ...

Took about an hour to talk myself back down. Later, when I had a chance, I pulled out the yarrow stalks.

Q: That thought pattern was nasty. How can I stop it happening again?
A: 54.1.4-->7

But later it came back. Not the frantic "what if's," but sadness and longing. Yarrow stalks again.

Q: Please give me an image for healing.
A: 53.5-->52

Intriguing. So I started to think about all the attractive men I know, clients and men I dance with, the man in the grocery checkout line, and wondered where I will meet someone, and what he will look like; and I thought about how well I can take care of a man, and how well a man can take care of me, and how much better my next relationship will be. And I began looking forward to it--which you may interpret in any way you like, probably without aid of yarrow stalks.
 

Frankelmick

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Calumet,

For what it's worth, I think the Hx 52 is about knowing when to stop.

It's about becoming an expert in recognising when you've reached the limit and it's time to call a halt.

Hx 52 asks you to be still and strong like a mountain.

Just my thoughts.

Best wishes for a perfect healing,

Mick
 

calumet

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Hi Mick, thanks for the good wishes. I like your idea about 52. But it's one thing to know when to stop, another thing--not entirely unrelated, but not the same, either--to be ABLE to stop. I'm referring to rumination such as I fell into yesterday, but the same is true of just about anything that you know isn't good for you but somehow can't seem to stop. Your idea about 52, added to the generally positive outlooks of the hexes I cast, encourages me to understand that with patience and work I WILL get there, which is all to the good.

Do you by chance work with or otherwise have to do with women (or men I suppose) who are involved in domestic violence?
 

Frankelmick

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Calumet,

Thank you. Yes, maybe it's time to be patient with yourself.

Perhaps the image of the mountain might help you when you find yourself caught up in obsessive or negative thoughts?

Is there a Country/Western song that conjures up the power and stillness of the mountains for you?

I'm afraid I don't know much about Country music. Best I could come up with is "Rocky Mountain High".

I don't work with women who are involved in domestic violence.

Very best wishes,

Mick
 

calumet

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Mick, like most blues music, most country and western music is about grief in its various forms, usually manifested as grief over a lover. Some people who dislike the genre refer to it as "cry-in-your-beer" music. Heck, I like it, and sometimes I even call it that. However, almost no one these days refers to blues and its cousin, jazz, as "******" music, as people used to do before the word "******" became taboo. Few Americans use that word these days, but they do manage to convey the notion when they talk about rap and hip-hop, Eminem notwithstanding. Ah, it is lovely to be American and able to unpack our magnificent music and the psychology and sociology that drive it. Sort of like a Frenchman holding forth on Impressionism. But I digress.

In any case, to continue in this insufferable vein, John Denver ("Rocky Mountain High") wasn't capable of getting the 52 feeling across. I think I'll need to go to Elgar, Beethoven, or possibly Bach to capture the desired tone. Do me a world of good too--I hate thinking that my experience is trivial enough to be described in a 3-minute pop song.
 

calumet

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PS--Baldy's out cruising tonight--heard it through the grapevine. Hard to stay obsessive about somebody who gets kicked out of bed, if indeed he was in someone's bed, after a couple of weeks. I begin to suspect that it is the grapevine itself that is obsessive. But I can stop any time I want to. Really.
 

Frankelmick

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Calumet,

Yes I'm with you all the way on the classical music for Hx 52. And I think that it might do you good to listen to some beautiful, wordless, stately music that's strong and makes you feel that mountain stillness.

Bach sounds good, perhaps Hilary would approve of the famous cello suite?

How about Sibelius? Do you know the "Swan of Tuonela"? I think that his music conjures up snow and pine forests and mountains like no other.

- - -

There are some Country/Western songs that I really like. "San Antonio Rose" and "El Paso" for example. What do you think?

Bye for now and best wishes,

Mick
 

hilary

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A hexagram 52 'cello suite? Maybe suite 3 or 4? In Casals' recording, definitely. (That way you get very solid mountains, bu
 

calumet

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Last night as I was going about my own business, making my normal social rounds, who to my wondering eyes should appear but--yes!!--Baldy!! Practically shake-shake-shaking his booty in my face. Making quite a point of it, in fact. I ignored him and his ridiculous behavior, and afterward I listened intently to Casals and Ma doing Bach, attending to the stately, serene, and timeless sound. But the non-encounter with Baldy upset me still, and I slept badly, waking several times from dreams about which all I can remember is anxious struggling.

Q: What's going on?
A: 3.5-->24
OK, I can see that. I've long since determined that I am at the beginning of making changes in myself in order to avoid another Baldy, whose type has been a fixture in my life for far too long.

Q: How do I proceed?
A: 59.4-->6
Hmm, don't quite get that. The 6 as context is given, but 59? I assume I am not to cross the great chasm and say hi, for the sake of dissolving barriers and bringing people (i.e., me and Baldy) together. That feels stupid and unsafe. Maybe I should introduce him to my worst enemy. Or maybe I should found a religion? But I'm an atheist. This will take some thought.
 

RindaR

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Calumet,

just some scattered ideas...

Perhaps it's about breaking the barrier or group of barriers between you and the resolution of the problems that have kept Baldy (and others like him) attracted to you...?

Dispersing the barriers will bring you freedom from this type of relationship.

"The firm comes without hindrance" - you will be able to be assertive with him and set healthy boundaries?

"The yielding is at the proper place" - you will be able to yield to that which is consistent with your own values and worth as a human being?

"It goes out to meet it's similarity above" - you will be able to easily keep your behavior consistent with the leading of your own spirit? with the shape of your own heart? you will meet someone whose spiritual path is consistent with your own?

"The king arrives at the temple. He is in the central place." - You are allowing yourself to be led properly by the spiritual aspect of your being? You are putting your spiritual practices and growth at the center of your life, so that the rest can follow?

"Favorable to cross great rivers. The merit comes from mounting on the wood" Wood floats on water, (emotions?) it's growth is dependent on it (chi?)


Rinda
 

calumet

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Rinda, thanks. I don't know whether this is about spirit or not. Depends on how you define it. I do know that what I am doing is less and less about Baldy and more and more about my own wish for a serene and healthy (your favored term here). In any case, what you said does help. Thank you.
 

Frankelmick

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Calumet,

For what it's worth I think that having a bad night's sleep and some anxious dreams is much much much <U>much</U> <SUP>much</SUP> <SUB>much</SUB> much better than being involved in an abusive relationship.

Can you stay with Hx 52 and the Bach cello music?

Best wishes,

Mick
 

calumet

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Mick, agree completely. I am now to the point where almost nothing could lure me back to Baldy. The unpleasant dreams, occasional obsessing, and restless nights, are much more about me than about him. I am struggling with and will resolve as best I can, huge, prominent issues within myself. Baldy is nigh irrelevant except as a reminder of the struggle.

I have a fair amount of Bach on hand, but none of the cello suites. I found a nice 2-CD set of Casals doing them; EMI is the publisher, should you be interested. Know of another good recording of these? They really are better than blues and country and western for my present state of mind.

As an aside, a lot of the dances I attend are put on by a Christian singles' group. I suspect there are a fair number of heathens such as myself in the crowd, but anyway. Much of the dancing is done to country and western music, which is very popular in a demographic that includes a great many American Christians. Now, I'm about as Christian as Yasser Arafat was, and I don't esteem most "religious" people, particularly American Christians. But the dancing's a lot of fun, and so I go anyhow. Once in awhile they'll play a song titled "Jesus Is the Light of the World." It's set to a very catchy, upbeat country and western tune, and it inspires a remarkable amount of hip-wiggling. I suppose it would be possible to think of it as sacred dance; but I always have to sit that particular song out, either because I'm too busy snickering at it or because I regard it as faintly blasphemous, or both.
 

martin

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As christian as Yasser Arafat was? Great! Back then I did a lot of hip-wiggling and I'm still present in every dancer that dances the sacred blasphemous dance.
Oh Light of the World, will you dance with me tonight? Please, let me know.

Yours Eternally,
Jesus

PS: my phone number is 111-1111111, of course.
 
S

seeker

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59.4 may be telling you to further strengthen your resolve to not give in to him. Lises interpretation mentions having strict rules and borders. Or it could be a comment on future relationships. I have been getting answers that I think are warning me not to get into the wrong kind of relationship just to ease my pain. This might be something along those lines. Just because the person is not an abuser doesn't mean it is a good relationship. With what we have been through, our radars may be scewed. Anyone who doesn't emotionally abuse us would look good
happy.gif
Wilhelm's interpretation mentions foregoing what is near to gain what is afar. So maybe there is something better out there if you keep your eye on the horizon and not the ground in front of you. Or maybe, make sure you see the forest for the trees, or would that be tree for the forest???
 

calumet

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Seeker, to return to the vulgar musical idiom for a moment, your comment about looking at the ground reminds me of Elton John singing, "Mongrels who ain't got a penny/Sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground." I promise you that I got a penny, and if my resolve to keep clear of Baldy were any stronger, I'd turn into a rock.

As to skewed radar, under most conditions my radar functions very well. Unfortunately under certain conditions it is vulnerable to jamming, but I'm working on some new anti-jamming software. It'll be another 6 months anyway before it's ready to test. If someone appealing should pop up before then, I'd be honest with him--I'm kind of a mess and more than a little fragile and defensive at the moment. Actually the guy at work who was bringing me roses is starting to look better and better. There's just no help for it; I like men. This one asked me the oddest question today--something about how can he repay my generosity. I managed to keep "HUH?" from plopping out of my mouth, and instead said, "In kind, or just return it to the common pool of generosity." Be interesting to see what I've let myself in for, if anything.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make a call to this really hot-sounding dancer who left me a phone number. Anyone know where area code 111 is?
 
S

seeker

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I like men too, and admittedly, since it has been 8 months, the idea of just finding someone to take the edge of has occurred to me. Don't think Yi liked that idea
happy.gif
For your situation, could 59.4 refer to the guy with the roses??? You said yourself he is starting to look better, and he would qualify as someone who was near. Just a thought.
 

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