Hi everyone,

I’m slowly recovering from a meditation retreat that closed with a healing ceremony using medicinal plants. I had tried it some 5 years ago and they never produced in me the effects other people describe (visions and the likes) so I was going mostly for the retreat process than the actual plant ceremony, but it turned out I had a really strong “negative” experience, with horrible visions and physical pain, and now returning home I feel the ground has been taken from under my feet and I am at lost.

“negative” is in brackets because even though it was violent and about suffering, imagery beyond tolerance, feeling really sick and nausea for many hours, I tried to keep a neutral perspective about it. I tried to trust that whatever happens is what you need to have happen. It served me well to approach it like that in the ceremony but I didn’t manage to stay so centered in the sharing circle the day after. Every one was sharing these magnificent blissful experiences, meeting loved ones and being held, people where saying things like “this was the most beautiful experience that ever happened to me” and I came home wondering: why do I need a trip to the underworld while everyone gets their piece of paradise…?

I tried not to feed that sort of comparative thinking and just go for the idea that whatever happened to me was healing somehow and that was what I needed.

I sat down with the book and it was from these answers that I became truly melancholic.

1. WHAT DID THE PLANT MANAGE TO HEAL IN ME? 55,3 > 51
2. WHAT DID I PURGE? 43 (4,5) 11
3. WHAT CHANGES WILL THIS CEREMONY ALLOW IN MY LIFE FROM NOW ON? 57 (3, 6) 29

1) I have a sense that there was too much handle or to be cleaned and that the plant didn’t make it (55,3).
51 is explicit enough, all imaginable thunders came down on me...

2) They tell you that it is important for healing that you vomit, which i never did in previous experiences, but this time it was unbearable, and in the end I did, but with no connection to a topic or conscious integration of what was being released. Other people described being explained exactly what was being cleared away and why, but I never managed to get in contact like that, my experience was pure unruled chaos… the answer seems fairly positive, but it can just be describing the relief it was vomiting after so many hours of terrible nausea…. There was no sense of peace at no time, just exhaustion and some relief once the physical discomfort lessened.

3) I guess it was the last answer witch made me more hopeless. It reads for me that this doesn’t change anything. It was an experience and there was no real healing. 57,3 felt pretty harsh, specially because I am trying to emerge from a spiritual crisis that is keeping me down for almost 5 years now, and the cyclical 29 best describes my ineffective attempts to grow from this…


ok, i must be sounding very confused and troubled - because I am.
I really appreciate your insights
yoana
:bows:

yoana said:

I tried not to feed that sort of comparative thinking and just go for the idea that whatever happened to me was healing somehow and that was what I needed.

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maybe you need to continue this comparative thinking and see that not everyone in this group was in the same stage neither can experience the same thing. In some way, I think , this is the central meaning of your readings and especially the last one.

something has been shaken ( 55.3.51), there is a flow (43.4.5) -stay positive and forget all those questions. You will know when time is (43.4.5) again No need to push from an answer now (57.3.6).

why do I need a trip to the underworld while everyone gets their piece of paradise…?

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Sometimes its the only path.

hi Yoana,

57 to 29 feels nothing like a disconcerting answer to me - instead I read this as noting on how you might be trying too hard to understand, to grasp the effects, so much so that you're 'losing' the point. The changes in 57 are subtle and will grow on you, opening new channels of flow, things that will be almost imperceptible at first, then will gradually make themselves felt, like winds that time after time shape the outlines of trees found in their paths . . sending waves over them again and again


your 55.3 seems relevant in this - I often see the 'right hand' as the reasoning, active part of us and here it can't be put into use but the current is still working its way (51); you just can't see it yet, in the profusion of your pain and thoughts

rodaki said:

57 to 29 feels nothing like a disconcerting answer to me - instead I read this as noting on how you might be trying too hard to understand, to grasp the effects, so much so that you're 'losing' the point. The changes in 57 are subtle and will grow on you, opening new channels of flow, things that will be almost imperceptible at first, then will gradually make themselves felt, like winds that time after time shape the outlines of trees found in their paths . . sending waves over them again and again

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Thank you rodaki and anemos for your pertinent responses. My interpretation was being very much shaped by the fear that all that suffering had been pointless and that things won't change. But the evidence is that the days afterwards were and have been unusually serene and there is a forgotten sense of joy that I haven't felt in a long long time. No major changes or insights, it is true, life seems basically the same as it was before the retreat, but between my throat and my belly there is a different feeling. If there was any cleansing it was really at the level of the emotional body, because I definitely feel lighter.

Actually enjoyed very much the past week - when was the last time I could earnestly say that? pufff...

Thank you both for coming to the rescue in such a harsh moment
:bows: