Worrying over nothing..?

kincadefoster · Aug 1, 2015

There was this girl, who, about six months ago, we stopped talking.

This was partly due to me being stupid and angry about things and partially due her behavior toward me at the time. We liked each other alot

So, about a week ago I decided to txt her, just a simple Hi How are you.

We ended up txting back and forth, we ended up seeing each other and had sex for the first time. It was very nice and she was sweet and attentive to my needs(not just sexual ones)

Our last txt to each other was pretty much "I can't wait to see you again"

She seems to have her head on straight compared to other women I've met the past few years, as well as, yes, genuinely treating me good(Personally I think these are sexy traits to have)

However, she is in vegas with a guy friend at the moment and I can't help worrying about what may happen between them. Yes there will be drinking involved... I have a track record of meeting women who are promiscuous and or cheaters, so I'm sort of traumatized on that issue...

I asked, do I have anything to worry about? 12.3 > 33

Thank you in advance for your answers :bows:

Endless · Aug 1, 2015

Hi kincadefoster !
In my opinion the idea would be 'don't mess in their things and retire from asking'.
Sorry if I'm being too explicit, but I think Yi is.

Endless

moss elk · Aug 1, 2015

"I asked, do I have anything to worry about? 12.3 > 33"

Yes, I would worry about being unhappy for the rest of your life because You keep choosing unworthy people. You keep saying "OK" to less than desirable people.

There is a movie Red Rock West,
The main character keeps saying, "OK" to the wrong people becaise he feels desperate instead of using his good judgement. He lets his desperation run the show instead of his wisdom.

So, you can take the long route of trying to figure out why you are doing it. Or, get a notebook and set standards for yourself that will lead to your happiness, and live by them.

moss elk · Aug 1, 2015

I know I sound harsh.
It's because I've made the same mistake myself, more than once. And it leads to boatloads of unhappiness.

The first time you say No, you may have some of that left-out feeling to it but, if you keep it up, after a while you'll find yourself smiling and saying politely , "No" and yet inside happy dancing, "Hell No! I'm not taking part in that trainwreck."

kincadefoster · Aug 5, 2015

I looked up a few pages here on 12.3. One person's answer for 12.3 suggests it may be I am feeling worse about it than anything thats actually going on. Another person's answer for 12.3 suggests that its like a person who is feeling shame for previous behavior and wants to start making things right but doesn't feel safe or ready to approach just yet, which fits the situation of her coming back after 6 months of no talking(she has apologized some for previous behavior) or it could mean something did happen and shes not ready to approach

As of yet, I don't really know anything as I haven't had a chance to actually talk to her about it, so I can't really "say no to the wrong people" without knowing this. One thing for sure, partying and getting drunk w another guy for days without txting or calling right after the first time you have sex w a guy, NOT a great way to build trust...

moss elk · Aug 5, 2015

kincadefoster said:
As of yet, I don't really know anything as I haven't had a chance to actually talk to her about it, so I can't really "say no to the wrong people" without knowing this. One thing for sure, partying and getting drunk w another guy for days without txting or calling right after the first time you have sex w a guy, NOT a great way to build trust...

That behaviour you are sure about, the one that makes you not trust her, is the one that makes her not worth your time, energy, attention, loyalty or wallet.

12's message: say no to the wrong people
Line 3 reiterates this adding that you are the one embracing her.

Don't be loyal to people not loyal to you.
You mentioned you were sort of traumatized by other women.
And as long as you are wearing rose-colored glasses and a kick me sign, you are going to keep getting kicked.

Someone else please comment.

kincadefoster · Aug 5, 2015

Moss Elk said:
And as long as you are wearing rose-colored glasses and a kick me sign, you are going to keep getting kicked.

Thanks for kicking me -- in the a**. I broke it off w her telling her same things I said here.. I feel a weights been lifted, but I'm disappointed as I wanted her to treat me like she did the night we spent together and stay that way.. Could u elaborate on rose-colored glasses? do you mean that I saw what I wanted to see and ignored the bad signs..?

moss elk · Aug 6, 2015

Rose-colored glasses make everything look beautiful to the wearer, even what is not.

Even a serial killer may be a fine painter.
Looking at this one good quality you may say,
"Oh he is a wonderful painter..."
Then tell yourself nothing more, end of story.

But it is only a partial story, a partial picture.
And to young men, most women seem great across the room.
They forget that they themselves have other needs than sex.
(Emotional, compatibility, security..etc)

Here is another phrase to learn: Pillow Talk.
The sweet lies told by that someone who only wants to have sex with you.

moss elk · Aug 6, 2015

Congratulations kincadefoster,
What you did took courage and backbone.

Here, have a toasted teacake to celebrate.

And watch Red Rock West, you may like it.

anemos · Aug 7, 2015

My impression is that yi talks about your " shame" the way you bare it and suggests to retreat from that kind of thinking. That is the no you have to say. you said you made some poor choices in the past but yi,imo, says dont let those feelings of shame sunk you and color any new meeting with dark colors.

I dont think its about that specific girl with whom, if i understand you well you are not in a relationship
et.

moss elk · Aug 7, 2015

Shame is what someone who wants love, and not
just sex, feels after the person who booty called them leaves.

A disappointment in oneself.
Not living up to your own self. (Dare we say higher?)
Leads to self loathing/depression. (47)
The happy person (Lake above) is
Drained by the other (Abyss below)
The vampire just left the room and I miss him.

And every time you exercise your backbone it gets a little stronger.

anemos · Aug 11, 2015

Altho i agree with your general points , moss elk, i believe the info the OP provides are not enough for having a clear idea what the situation is. I read that they are not in a relationship, so i see it differently. i cant say that he once more he made a poor choice, its too early to say that.

Sometimes shame is to feel ashamed for your "unwanted" feeling which, as a matter of fact , sometimes support our survival butothers create obstracles or problems. Jelously is one of them and has to do with competing for limited resources ; very humane not always helpful.

The higher self needs the lower self to function properly and grow.

sooo · Aug 11, 2015

Yes, I'm of that same idea. Because one dates someone, enjoys their company, and even shares sex together, doesn't imply any sense of obligation to be exclusive to you, unless that commitment has been agreed upon mutually. One of the most common complaints I read and hear about are when someone they've dated wants to control them right away. 12 neither owes nor is owed, owns nor is owned, and the only shame I see is the shame of expecting what is not due to you. That particular line 3, which at least one translation includes the word "they", in my experience, has not always referred to they but as often has related directly to me - I bear shame. That's how I'd read this. Likewise, 33 most often refers to retreating from my own wrong thinking.

In the words of the famous pop star hit:

"Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up

[Verse 1]
Up in the club, we just broke up
I'm doing my own little thing
You decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cause another brother noticed me
I'm up on him, he up on me
don't pay him any attention
Cause I cried my tears, for three good years
Ya can't be mad at me

[Chorus:]
Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Hold me tighter than my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I could care less what you think
I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
Cause you had your turn
And now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

[Chorus]

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

[Bridge]
Don't treat me to these things of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Is a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms
Say I'm the one you want
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost I'll be gone

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies (All the single ladies)
All the single ladies
Now put your hands up

Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh
Wuh uh oh uh uh oh oh uh oh uh uh oh

[Chorus x2]

Wuh uh oh

Never thought I'd be quoting Beyonce, especially on an IC forum. ha!

kincadefoster · Aug 11, 2015

Yes there are two ways of seeing it. One who is "controlling" just wants sex to be exclusive and believes in an old school value that when you have sex w someone it implies a connection is made and the person shouldn't have sex with others. Another way is its about respect. This person told me she hasn't been w anyone else since she last saw me and asked me if I'd been w anyone else. This implied she wanted exclusivity

poised · Aug 11, 2015

This thread is beginning to sound like the familiar old saying:
Hogamous, Higamous,
Man is polygamous,
Higamous, Hogamous,
Woman is monogamous.

No one is quite sure who said it first.

anemos · Aug 11, 2015

Never thought I'd be quoting Beyonce, especially on an IC forum. ha!

Uh oh.

anemos · Aug 11, 2015

kincadefoster said:
Yes there are two ways of seeing it. One who is "controlling" just wants sex to be exclusive and believes in an old school value that when you have sex w someone it implies a connection is made and the person shouldn't have sex with others. Another way is its about respect. This person told me she hasn't been w anyone else since she last saw me and asked me if I'd been w anyone else. This implied she wanted exclusivity

Why yoi choose the version with implied promises and implied betrayals ?

sooo · Aug 12, 2015

anemos said:
Uh oh.

Nothing to worry over but a case of oldtimers. Though not so old as to not Hogamous over Beyonce's Buttonamous.

sooo · Aug 12, 2015

kincadefoster said:
Yes there are two ways of seeing it. One who is "controlling" just wants sex to be exclusive and believes in an old school value that when you have sex w someone it implies a connection is made and the person shouldn't have sex with others. Another way is its about respect. This person told me she hasn't been w anyone else since she last saw me and asked me if I'd been w anyone else. This implied she wanted exclusivity

An important aspect of a compatible relationship of this type is that of sharing common values, be they old fashioned or otherwise.

Most of the complaints I've heard were from women of controlling and jealous men. There's a time for commitment, but a couple rolls in the sack and some hear say rumors do not constitute such mutual agreements. If you want it, put a ring on it, assuming that's what she wants too.

Speaking of tradition, back in my teen years there was a tradition which seems to have gone the way of the dinosaur, called "going steady". The boy would give his girlfriend his ring, which she'd proudly wear on a necklace chain. Call it monogamy education. It was recognized and honored by all, that the two have agreed to an exclusive relationship. Those were romantic and thrilling times.

kincadefoster · Aug 12, 2015

How about this...
g
In the beginning, I told this girl about my philosophy that you shouldnt necessarily get serious or see someone alot right away, but that it should be exclusive as how can you truly know if someone is good and right for you unless you focus on one person at a time. She agreed w that ,philosophy..., yet didnt follow through. Incompatible values...

I have dated more than one at a time and you easily lose out on the good one cuz you are distracted..

anemos · Aug 12, 2015

sooo said:
Nothing to worry over but a case of oldtimers. Though not so old as to not Hogamous over Beyonce's Buttonamous.

I thought the joke was about the "quality' and was joking too

anemos · Aug 12, 2015

kincadefoster said:
How about this...
g
In the beginning, I told this girl about my philosophy that you shouldnt necessarily get serious or see someone alot right away, but that it should be exclusive as how can you truly know if someone is good and right for you unless you focus on one person at a time. She agreed w that ,philosophy..., yet didnt follow through. Incompatible values...

I have dated more than one at a time and you easily lose out on the good one cuz you are distracted..

What I am trying to say is that whithin a week or so is hard for having all those set up.

I dont judge your ideas. Only say you expected things grow rapidly. Why you charge yourself yet another failure ? Why you hurry to adopt the role of mistreated ?

moss elk · Aug 12, 2015

I can see how it would be easy to take my comments as
Disparaging to people who want to have 'open' relationships or multiple partners. This is not where I'm coming from at all.
I'm talking about integrity.

And the lack of it that someone has who says one thing and does another, especially when someones heart is involved.

So, to everyone who knows in their own heart that they want to have multiple partners, go for it, as long as you are honest about it up front. It is the dishonesty that lacks integrity.
Let those that want to play musical laps go for it, enjoy.
Send us postcards, post them in open space.
Just don't toy with the very real and fragile fellow human beings who aren't on the same page.

anemos · Aug 12, 2015

You are not the only one in this thread that responds to a real person with care and in a responsible maner.

Nothing more to add

sooo · Aug 12, 2015

Moss Elk said:
I can see how it would be easy to take my comments as
Disparaging to people who want to have 'open' relationships or multiple partners. This is not where I'm coming from at all.
I'm talking about integrity.

And the lack of it that someone has who says one thing and does another, especially when someones heart is involved.

So, to everyone who knows in their own heart that they want to have multiple partners, go for it, as long as you are honest about it up front. It is the dishonesty that lacks integrity.
Let those that want to play musical laps go for it, enjoy.
Send us postcards, post them in open space.
Just don't toy with the very real and fragile fellow human beings who aren't on the same page.

Equally, I can see how it could be easy to take my comments as promoting "open" relationships or multiple partners, but this is not where I'm coming from at all. I'm talking about what constitutes a commitment and what doesn't.

Bearing in mind that what this other woman has said is to us hear-say, and we therefore can make no value judgement upon her integrity. We can speak in generalities but not regarding specific relationships based on one side's view of it. And based on this statement by Kincadefoster, which I find to be wobbly at best, I can make no clear value judgment at all about the whole mess:

Originally Posted by kincadefoster View Post
How about this...
g
In the beginning, I told this girl about my philosophy that you shouldnt necessarily get serious or see someone alot right away, but that it should be exclusive as how can you truly know if someone is good and right for you unless you focus on one person at a time. She agreed w that ,philosophy..., yet didnt follow through. Incompatible values...

I have dated more than one at a time and you easily lose out on the good one cuz you are distracted..

In no way can this even remotely resemble a statement nor a request for a committed and exclusive relationship. One can philosophize and one can agree with a philosophy, but what does that actually do in terms of creating a binding agreement to form an exclusive commitment? How can Kin even reach the conclusion, based on that statement, that their values are incompatible? All it does is reinforce Kin's disapproval that this woman is presently enjoying herself in the company of a man, and makes no attempt to disguise or pretend otherwise. To me, that would demonstrate integrity, and upon that kind of honesty, fidelity can be built, in time, if that is the mutually desired result.

As far as lifestyles go: monogamy, open relationships, same sex relationships, bisexual relationships, D/s, bdsm, or rubber chicken fetish, etc, that too is between consenting adults.

moss elk · Aug 12, 2015

anemos said:
Altho i agree with your general points , moss elk, i believe the info the OP provides are not enough for having a clear idea what the situation is. I read that they are not in a relationship, so i see it differently. i cant say that he once more he made a poor choice, its too early to say that.

Sometimes shame is to feel ashamed for your "unwanted" feeling which, as a matter of fact , sometimes support our survival butothers create obstracles or problems. Jelously is one of them and has to do with competing for limited resources ; very humane not always helpful.

The higher self needs the lower self to function properly and grow.

Anemos, the OP provided enough information for kf to know he felt unhappy. Is any more info really needed for someone to make a decision?

And Yes, as sooo pointed out, kf acting wishy-washy at the outset was a factor, by not clearly and expressly saying he really wanted commitment right away, and waiting for a clear answer. Instead he said, "OK", and went against his own hearts wishes.

It is clear that my words offended you somehow.
If you want to post it in moderation or pm me,
I"d recommend it.
It could be mutual learning opportunity.

I can assure you that I don't live under the delusion that I am the only one here that wants to help people or capable of it.
I guess I just felt that your first post went a little perpendicular to the subject matter.

kincadefoster · Aug 13, 2015

In the beginning she had said she definitely liked me and wanted to be exclusive but not serious and we spent nights together without having sex yet and she txted alot. Then, she suddenly stopped txting more than once a week. This was my first clue something was wrong. I got angry after getting about 4 txts in the space of a month and terminated the friendship, rude comments on both sides which she apologized for this time around, but things didn't really seem different this time...

For the record, in the end, I made the decision this time based on the fact my gut told me something was wrong, she was using me...

If she decides she wants to be with me in the future, she can make a f**king effort to be with me..

If you want someone to trust you, don't LIE to them. I was very happy with a fling I had w a girl who basically let me know she was dating other ppl but not having sex w them.. she was in town for a month on vacation and ended up spending the majority of her time w me.. I was very happy w her bc she never decieved me...

anemos · Aug 13, 2015

Moss Elk said:
Anemos, the OP provided enough information for kf to know he felt unhappy. Is any more info really needed for someone to make a decision?

And Yes, as sooo pointed out, kf acting wishy-washy at the outset was a factor, by not clearly and expressly saying he really wanted commitment right away, and waiting for a clear answer. Instead he said, "OK", and went against his own hearts wishes.

It is clear that my words offended you somehow.
If you want to post it in moderation or pm me,
I"d recommend it.
It could be mutual learning opportunity.

I can assure you that I don't live under the delusion that I am the only one here that wants to help people or capable of it.
I guess I just felt that your first post went a little perpendicular to the subject matter.

Moss Elk , there is nothing at your post that offends me so its unnessesary to move to the moderation forum or pms . You misunderstood words and intentions and what I tried to say was that if you take for given that although different from your ideas others try to offer what they can to help KF decipher the reading, you might reread the posts upseting you and see what actually has been said.

I felt I had nothing more to add because from my first word till the last one I keep saying the same thing. You believe that the fact they are not in relationship is minor detail while others here believe it makes a big difference.

I reckon you didn't like my intepretation or approach. No worries. I disagree with your intepretation and the way you approach the whole matter too. I read carefully KF words and I assure you I didn't miss the reason of his unhappiness, his wishes and expectations. He said it clear at his first post. How one could miss it ? The info he gives later supports that. There is a matter of having different opinions so no reason to start a debate on that.

I think this thread has reached to a point that the querent has explicitly decided what to hear and what to ignore and he seems to be happy with that. Whether we agree or disagree it's kind of irrelevant, imho.

sooo · Aug 13, 2015

kincadefoster said:
Then, she suddenly stopped txting more than once a week. This was my first clue something was wrong. I got angry after getting about 4 txts in the space of a month and terminated the friendship, rude comments on both sides which she apologized for this time around, but things didn't really seem different this time...

Just a thought. What if you narrowed your 12.3-33 reading just to what you wrote here?

kincadefoster · Aug 14, 2015

well ya actually that was the first thing I thought of when I saw:

"Holding a sheep offering in expiation for a wrong.
Sometimes things stop through simple dumbness. No interest, no care, no love, no understanding. No way to get through that thick fog. The only solution is that the ones who make the fog also make it clear up. Don’t waste your time on them if they don’t. "

I thought she had "cleared up the fog" that night she came over, but I also thought about the situation of her going to vegas and thought there was clearing up still to do and that I wld wait, but my gut...

Worrying over nothing..?

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