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How to deal w his calling me a "friend". 49.5 to 55

JuliaF

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49.5 to 55
recently my boyfriend of 7 months, called me a "friend," when introducing me. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Q: How to deal with his calling me a "friend."

He has never been married and seems a bit afraid of commitment. Likely his role model was not great. Ie he doesn't want what his parents had. His dad may have not expressed emotion, mother emotionally withholding etc. He seems to want some distance. We're
still dating after 8 months, and taking it at a slower pace, partly b'cause of my spouse passing away a couple of years ago, and lately, because of him being afraid, or unfamiliar w commitment. I keep being patient, and like him, but he confuses me every so often.
 
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rosada

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49.5 Seems to me to be saying everything is out in the open. So you are being advised to deal with his calling you a friend as being evidence that this is exactly how he thinks of you. No reason to be confused - or patient.
 
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tidalwave

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I'm not as experienced in I Ching as some of the others, but I agree that this seems to be a straightforward answer. It's almost like the Yi is saying that, if you even have to ask, you know the truth...

How to deal with it -

Revolution, molting, radical transformation. I think it's definitely saying "don't let it slide"!
 

thisismybody

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Change like a tiger!

But, if this non-committal stance is what you want, no need for "molting." Since you're asking the Yi and the "friend" comment threw you for a loop, you must want something deeper. Time is always of the essence. I'm just making an assumption. Are you fine with being called a friend by your boyfriend after 8 months? Maybe it's just time to ask and have that birds and bees kind of talk.
 
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mirian

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That is right, JuliaF, with 49.5 you should be in change mode by now. Never mind if he has commitment phobia or childhood affection issues. You asked the Yi how to deal with this situation, and the answer is blunt: change.
 

rosada

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On the other hand...
Perhaps he didn't want to obligate YOU by announcing to the world that you are his girlfriend.

But the incident certainly does call for a discussion.
The advice in the Image of 55:
The superior man first hears the other guy's side of the story before he then chops off his head. ;)

p.s. If he ever does that to you again interrupt and say, "Well not really friends actually, but he's a very special acquaintance."
 
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Trojina

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Up until now on your other threads about this man I've seen your answers as suggesting you let things grow at their own pace. You said he was a good man but not demonstrative. But if he is having a sexual relationship with you it is not very nice to refer to you just as a friend and not to acknowledge you have a relationship with him IMO. I mean this is going to sound old fashioned but for me this would be a turning point. If he says he is only your friend then well friends don't have sex (unless you believe in this 'friends with benefits' malarkey and I don't think you do) so if he says you are just friends then just be his friend nothing else. He cannot go on having a physical relationship with you but denying your close connection to other people, most women probably would not like to be treated like that.

As soon as I wrote 'turning point' well I thought of 49.5. You know what to do. If it is the case he wants sex with you but will not acknowledge your relationship then he loses you because it is not a good way to treat you. So he needs to make his mind up.

Up until now it has always seemed to me Yi was asking you to be patient and I think you have always had quite good answers about him. But this, well I don't think most women would really like this so I feel 49.5 shows a clear time for change has come. It's clear now things cannot go on in this half hearted way with him. Have a straight talk with him since this is something you have to address.

I've made a number of assumptions there that you are in a physical relationship with him. If you aren't that might be why after 8 months he still sees you as a friend. Sorry to be blunt but sex does change the status of a relationship or at least it's often the point where people start to regard each other as partners/lovers/girlfriend rather than just 'friend'.
 

ginnie

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I think it's more important to go by how he treats you, not by the way he speaks. People have all sorts of communication issues and that has nothing to do with you. Of course if you wish to discuss it, and he's okay with such discussions, then you might make some progress on this and change things more to your liking.
 
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tidalwave

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I think it's more important to go by how he treats you, not by the way he speaks. People have all sorts of communication issues and that has nothing to do with you. Of course if you wish to discuss it, and he's okay with such discussions, then you might make some progress on this and change things more to your liking.

I respectfully disagree with this. I think the way one speaks of someone is a way of "treating" that person and just as important as anything else.
 

moss elk

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Just wanted to add:
Words and actions are both behaviours.
Evaluate someone by the quality of the words and actions, and by how close their actions and words match. Saying, 'this is my friend' might be appropriate when dating for two or three weeks, but after eight months, it is about something else entirely. We can't change other people and he has some issues here. You could cling to the hope that he will open up and change but, you might still be doing so in twenty years.
If he is getting sex, what reason would he have to change?
 

radiofreewill

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"And so I no longer hide. I finally made the decision. And soon after,
it was clear to see that 90% of the stress I’d carried through out the
years was because I hid myself, pretended, smiled when I didn’t want to,
silenced myself when my song was emerging from my very skin. I denied
myself and so my world inside was a crumbling mess. I stopped hiding and
was blown away by how easy it was to live. Living became natural again.
And being me was no longer a problem. They don’t teach this stuff in
schools but they should. They really, really should. Real living is
about unhiding. That’s when everything starts to make sense."

~ S.C Lourie, Soul Notes of the Butterfly
 

JuliaF

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I will have a discussion w him. The context was that we were in a restaurant getting takeout and the young Chinese girl, hostess, to practice her English and to start a conversation asked, "is she your wife?" to my boyfriend, and he said smiling, "she's a friend." I was a little taken aback, but realized that he may not have known what to say, being somewhat in shock. (He's never been married.)
However, I think the subject needs to be addressed. There are some complications in the relationship... Just when I'm ready to move forward, he is not and vice versa.i lost my husband and He also had his most recent girlfriend die, so we're both coming out of grief. Thank you for your good advice, everyone.
 

moss elk

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I have to laugh at myself for overthinking this.

Having more information, the most likely reason a man will say 'she is my friend' to another woman is...
Because he finds the waitress attractive.
You took the situation like a sheep.
Turn into a tiger and say, 'Hey! Really? That's not cool!'
Set your standards and assert yourself,
Tigress.
 

Tohpol

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Having more information, the most likely reason a man will say 'she is my friend' to another woman is...
Because he finds the waitress attractive.

That may be true. But in the context of a relationship which is what I assume this is, it's not going to say much for the strength of the guy's love - let alone his commitment and the respect toward his partner - if his awareness drops to his gonads the moment he's confronted with an attractive waitress. Grow the f*** up comes to mind. I think probably he was indeed taken aback by the question and wasn't confident enough to say "she's my girlfriend." (Or didn't consider her such). Either way, the response speaks volumes.
 
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rosada

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I wish to amend my original negative interpretation.
The waitress did not speak English. The man gave her a response that he felt she would be able to translate.
It would not have been appropriate here for him to give a detailed explanation of the relationship. While it may very well be time Julia and this fellow put their intentions into words, I think this incident is innocent.
 

Trojina

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I'm more inclined to think given the situation he just wasn't sure what to say and after all it wasn't the waitress's business what his relationship was, she was just making conversation to improve her language skills.

But context is all. That is without actually being there we can't really know the import of this. If Julia noticed it to this extent it shows it's already an issue, another signal to her of no commitment. I don't feel he would have said she was a friend just because he found the waitress attractive, I mean not unless he was very young and imagining he stood he stood a chance to have sex with the waitress later that night which doesn't seem likely as from what Julia has said before he's quite a solid kind of guy, just not very demonstrative of his feelings. He's a mature man who has also been recently bereaved.

But given what this incident meant to Julia, coupled with what she's said on previous threads and coupled with the 49.5 I think it's time for her to make some changes which may have been a long time coming. Hopefully changes for the better. This is a fantastic line so may be the relationship will improve or at least evolve now to some positive transformation. Maybe it indicates an ending but the change looks effortless and so not too painful whichever way it goes.
 

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