...life can be translucent

Menu

43.3 to 58 hospital

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
I had to go to the ER the other day.

The bf behaviour was just appalling. Long story short. He left to supposedly take care of some things for me and was supposed to come back and get me but he never did and I had to organise my own way home.

I asked the yi why he treated me so poorly while I was at the hospital.

Answer 43.3 to 58

Line 3 is a fairly harsh line.

I am getting that he basically dumped me off and didn't return as he didn't want to bother with the inferior person.
 

rosada

visitor
Joined
Jun 3, 2006
Messages
9,890
Reaction score
3,174
Whoa! I hope whatever caused you to go to the ER is quickly healed. So glad you made it home okay!

In order to find that totally clear, totally neutral spot from which to interpret the IC, I often find it beneficial to try casting myself in all the roles till I can find the best fit. In this story we could see the Superior man as your boyfriend and say he fell in with some friends: 58. "Joins with friends for discussion and practice."
Then 43.3 suggests these are pals who aren't supportive of your relationship, and so rather than bring your name into it, the BF decided he should just have the visit and leave without mentioning you - it was none of their business. Hmmm..pretty hard to imagine whom he might have run into that he didn't dare tell he was due back at the hospital to be with you!

Okay, how about if YOU are the Superior Man here? Maybe you are being told to just walk on alone. "To be powerful in the cheekbones brings misfortune." so to try to discuss this and reconnect just isn't worth it. Or perhaps you have girlfriends who wonder why you're no longer interested in that Nice Man. The I Ching advises you not to get drawn into discussing the whole drama with them but just put out the word you two are no longer together. Folks may wonder what happen and even think You were somehow at fault, but no matter. The sooner you walk on the sooner you'll experience 58.Joy.
 
Last edited:

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
Thanks rosada!

It could be a message to me if I am the superior man, that this is a lost cause and it will do no good discussing it with him or friends as it won't help or be worth it and the sooner I let this relationship go, the better I will be.

What you said about not wanting friends to know he was there with me also makes sense. There is a large age difference between us and maybe he was embarrassed to be seen with me; that people would talk. He told me that he didn't talk to anyone while in the waiting room nor did anyone talk to him so I really don't think anyone he knew was there.

I suppose the bottom line is that I had a crisis; he rode in the ambulance with me and failed at being supportive and taking care of me and therefore I can't count on him to be there for me, so there is no point in him being my bf anymore.

When I got back to the house, he was there but I didn't get into it with him. It was midnight and I was exhausted so I just let it go.
 

willowfox

Inactive
Joined
Jun 18, 2006
Messages
5,530
Reaction score
261
I asked the yi why he treated me so poorly while I was at the hospital.

Answer 43.3 to 58

This question is about him, and it would seem that he ran off to see someone, it suggests that if he did not meet with this person then they would caused trouble for him in some way. So, he will be misjudged by you because of his need to see this other person, if he had told you, then he knows you would have disapproved of his actions. So now he has to resign himself to your displeasure.
 

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
willowfox, I have wracked my brain to think if there would be someone but he was at my place all weekend and that was his plan.

The only person I can think of at all is an Aunt who wanted him to come over to pick up some gifts that were sent a couple of weeks ago but he doesn't know how to get to where they live.

When he left, he went to my house and was laying around surfing the net which was the case because of the useage log.

So if he didn't go see anyone, what else could the cast mean?
 

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
Ok I did a cast asking for clarification and I got

38.2.3.6 to 55
 

Trojina

Supporter
Clarity Supporter
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
26,921
Reaction score
4,426
Quite frankly if you cannot talk openly to this man and instead are relying on the guesswork of strangers on the internet rather than him to tell you what happened then you don't need to consult the oracle, this relationship looks poor. Speak to him. If you can't ask a long term boyfriend "why did you leave me at the hospital" then whats the point ? These kinds of problems have occurred many times over the last year or so haven't they and you sounded very miserable in every thread about him. So either you need to communicate better with him or he just is not meeting your fundamental needs.

I would just recomend open communication (58) lay your cards on the table (43) and ask him before this thread descends further into wild speculation and guesswork.
 
Last edited:

rosada

visitor
Joined
Jun 3, 2006
Messages
9,890
Reaction score
3,174
It hadn't occured to me when I first read your question that this man is your LIVE-IN boyfriend. In this case I think we must be very conscientious in considering what really happened here.

If you are the Superior Man here, if you really are blameless, that is, if the trip to the ER truly was an emergency, he really did abandon you and it really was all that tramatic for you to find your way home on your own, then it really is time for you to be "firmly resolved" and leave the relationship, no matter how much he or others murmur against you. Or, since this line leads to hex.58, rather than being resolved to leave, you are being guided as Trojan suggests, to 58.TALK. On the other hand, 43.3 also could be saying that the BF never really believed you needed to go to the ER in the first place. Is that possible? Did you have to be "firmly resolved" just to go? Is "walking alone and caught in the rain" meaning there was a crowd there and he just plain didn't think it was necessary? In this case I still feel 58. is saying you need to talk, but perhaps there is need not be such a sence of betrayal, if he genuinely did not see you as being in a state of crisis. Is there any possibility he could think you are a hypocondriac and was intentionally not reacting to your needs? (I still would think it's time to move on, but maybe not with such a feeling of betrayal)

Assuming he is the Superior Man:
"To be powerful in the cheekbones brings misfortune." Did he actually say he would come back for you? Sounds like he did, but have you had similar misunderstandings with this man in the past? Has he learned to just tell you what he thinks you want to hear to avoid argument?

"The superior man is firmly resolved." Sounds like he knew when he left you at the ER that he was not intending to pick you up. So what happened? Any possibility that he assumed you would call him when you were ready to be picked up? Did you? And did he say, "You're on your own!' and slam down the phone or did he say, "Aw gee Honey, it's midnight, are you okay? Can you take a cab?" "The superior man is firmly resolved" sure sounds like he didn't think it was wrong of him to leave or to not come back.

"He walks alone and is caught in the rain.
He is bespattered,
And people murmur against him."
This sounds to me like his going home alone, it being midnight when you needed him, and you murmuring that was a pretty crappy thing for him to do.

But then the I Ching says "No blame." So I think it's necessary to try to understand WHY there should be no blame. Personally I know how boring to be the one waiting but ultimately how much it means to the one being cared for to have a friend that does care wait or to come get you, so the fact this man did not wait and did not come and the I Ching is saying NO BLAME really requires some thought. Are you expecting more of this man than he ever promised? Does he care? How deep is his comittment? Again. like Trojan suggests it is time the two of you had a real heart to heart discussion: 58.
 
Last edited:

Trojina

Supporter
Clarity Supporter
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
26,921
Reaction score
4,426
Ok I did a cast asking for clarification and I got

38.2.3.6 to 55


For clarification talk to him - its crazy you can't talk to him and want us to tell you what he did or what hes thinking. If you can't talk to him over such a basic issue then this isn't a relationship at all and its time to find a relationship where talking openly is considered a normal way to resolve misunderstandings.
Do you think you may be consulting the Yi to shield you from the obvious truth ? If a man i lived with left me in hospital knowing i wanted to be picked up and gave no explanation and i didn't feel I could ask him "hey why didn't you come for me ?" then the relationship would be absolutely over. There would be no relationship, any friend would treat you better than this let alone boyfriend
 

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
Well quite frankly no, I haven't been able to talk to him. When I do, he just clams up and says nothing and it is like talking to a brick wall.:( I supposed he has me trained to just keep quiet and not bring up anything because I get the silent treatment.


As for the trip to the ER, I was having chest pains. I laid down for awhile and waited for it to go away and it didn't so I called my GP number and they had an after hours number and I called hat and spoke with a nurse who told me to come in within the next 4 hours. Bf doesn't drive and I called a taxi and it would be at least 2 hours for one to come as they were quite busy.

I think he should have been there for me. I am alone here in a foreign country and it has been difficult adjusting and I have been stressed and run down. The ambulance took me to somewhere I had no idea where I was.

He may have thought it wasn't necessary but I have no idea what he really thought about it. Still, even if he did think it was frivolous, it was wrong to not come back and to not contact me for hours to even check on me.

The nurse had told him before he left that if my test was negative i would be released at 10pm. I had texted him several times stating the same thing. I did not say i would call when I was done as I wanted him to be there at 10pm and it would take an hour for a taxi so that is why I told him at 9pm to come and to go to the reception area.

Yes it is all speculation at why he did or didn't do what. I can ask him but he will weasel and try to tell me I told him i would call him when I didn't say I would call him but rather I had already texted him several times saying to come at 10pm.

Another thing is that I dropped him off at his place early Monday morning and here it is Wednesday and he hasn't bothered contacting me to check on me at all. I guess i am getting his message that he really doesn't care when it is a an inconvenience to him.

He did something like this one time before when he tried to convince me he told me something other than what he really told me. I was going to pick him up from school and I told him I would be there at a certain time. He even told me what the building was called and the location so I would know where to go.

I get there at the time agreed and wait and I text him saying I was there. I wait and wait and then I try to call and it goes to voicemail. So I wait another 10 minutes and call and he answered and I told him I was outside waiting. He told me that he was walking home and was halfway there. I said umm you told me to pick you up and he said he didn't say that and he told me he was walking home which is ridiculous as it is a good 30 - 40 minute walk and he will get rides if he can.

So I get back and wait for him to get there and he does and I lay into him and he insists he told me he was walking home; and of course I knew it was a lie.

So yeah the entire thing is ridiculous and maybe I am asking the yi for permission to leave this lousy relationship.

Coming here and reading your replies does help immensely in sorting things out and causing me to think more and I greatly appreciate that.
 

Trojina

Supporter
Clarity Supporter
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
26,921
Reaction score
4,426
So yeah the entire thing is ridiculous and maybe I am asking the yi for permission to leave this lousy relationship.

Coming here and reading your replies does help immensely in sorting things out and causing me to think more and I greatly appreciate that.

Permission ? Thats what i meant when I wondered if you were consulting the Yi as a kind of shield about this - deep down you don't want to leave him and the Yi may give you an ambiguous answer that could mean stay - but wheres your own power here ? You don't need permission from anyone, you give yourself permission , maybe thats the point you are making about it being ridiculous, well it does sound ridiculous. What good is this guy to you at all when he won't even speak to you. You have to get the 'sunny' back in 'sunnygirl' :) yes ? Don't let him drag you down anymore. Good luck !
 

rosada

visitor
Joined
Jun 3, 2006
Messages
9,890
Reaction score
3,174
Dear Sunnygirl,
It sounds to me as if you know this "relationship" exists only in your own mind and you are searching for some way to leave with honor. Let me give you some unasked for advice and tell you flat out, this is not a contest! Quit keeping score and admit that you have out grown him and you don't want to keep on pretending. If you don't, he will continue to do whatever he wants to do and you will continue to adjust but secretly be looking for a loophole, some behavior that gives you "permission" to say, "Ah ha! YOU have broken our pledge. I was faithful, kind and loving but YOU betrayed our romance - so now I get to leave and never have to take any responcibility for having led you on even though I knew ages ago this wasn't working." And so at last you'll extricate yourself and then you will meet up with someone new who is even better at refusing to communicate and you will insist on marrage and then you'll be stuck for life.

Start talking now! A few good opening lines,"This isn't working" and "We need to renegotiate."

Best wishes,
rosada
 

rosada

visitor
Joined
Jun 3, 2006
Messages
9,890
Reaction score
3,174
Having said all the above and getting it off my chest, I guess, I now have new thoughts on the meaning of 43.3.

Perhaps the I Ching is not commenting on the actual incident at all, but on what it has led to. In otherwords, perhaps you knew already in your heart of hearts what happened, which was very simple: you believed him and he ccouldn't be counted on:

43.3
To be powerful in the cheekbones brings misfortune.

"Powerful in the cheekbones bringing misfortune", sounds like someone boasting or making promises they don't keep. This seems to be alluding to the key question, "Why did he treat me so poorly?" It's not that he has some issue with you, it's that he talks big and then doesn't keep his word.

The rest of the hexagram makes sence if you read it as the I Ching making a comment on what is happening with you:

"The superior man is firmly resolved."

This is you, intent on making the relationship work, on making his words mean something, or at least intent on keeping your own words, your own promise to stay with him.

"He walks alone and is caught in the rain."

You having to find your way home alone.

'He is bespattered,
"And people murmur against him."

You feeling abused,
Yet people (Trojan and I anyway!) thinking you're foolish to still be with him in the first place.

"No blame."
Okay, if you say so I Ching, I'll try to see some point to her sticking by him.
--

Thus, now I think the I Ching is telling you, "if you are firmly resolved to stay with him, well then, No Blame, you are allowed to love whom ever you choose, even a man who makes promises he doesn't keep, but don't be surprised if your friends don't understand!"

And perhaps the I Ching even holds out a little hope. Perhaps with 58. Discussion and PRACTICE eventually he will learn to put meaning to his words.

Again, best wishes. It is very helpful for us in our study of the I Ching to have someone willing to bring their personal situations to us and to give us feedback. Thank you.
rosada
 
Last edited:

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
Thanks again!

I did go over there and tell him I wanted to end our relationship. It was difficult to tell him but I opened up my mouth and did it.

He looked like he had been hit by a truck. He seemed devastated and he started crying.

I said I came over here because I was going to end our relationship.

He asked me why.

I didn't get into everything but I pretty much told him that I felt uncared for and that he didn't want to take care of me and that he didn't seemed to be too interested.

He asked me what makes me think that and then I gave a couple of exact examples like he didn't contact me nearly the entire week after I went to the hospital to ask how I was. He said well you were ok. I said yes I wasn't dying or anything but I was having a rough time with things and it would have been nice for you to ask me how I am every once in awhile. So I got very specific. i said it would be nice for you to take an interest and ask me how things are and tell me you love me sometimes.

The 2nd example I gave was about the hospital incident. I said you left around 4.30pm and I didn't hear from you until 8.30pm and you didn't even ask how I was. You never called me or texted me to see how I was doing or how things were going. I said I had to call you. I told him that I thought he had no intentions of coming back for me.

I found out he lied about calling a taxi to come back for me. He told me he did but I checked my phone call log at the house and none were on there in the evening. He doesn't know I know he lied as I didn't say anything.

So then he got really quiet and i felt he was starting the silent treatment so I just said well if you don't anything else to say, I am leaving now. So then he says that he can't express his feelings because of his cold father and the only emotions his father expressed was anger. I said I understand that is how he was. For some reason I was tired and really didn't want to discuss anymore.

I don't think the father excuse explains why he couldn't ask how I was etc. Also, if the shoe were on the other foot, I really really doubt he would ok with being treated like that.

Anyway, I am relieved at saying something. I left it in limbo and that suits me right now.
 

Tohpol

Supporter
Clarity Supporter
Joined
Jan 25, 2007
Messages
3,566
Reaction score
134
So then he got really quiet and i felt he was starting the silent treatment so I just said well if you don't anything else to say, I am leaving now. So then he says that he can't express his feelings because of his cold father and the only emotions his father expressed was anger. I said I understand that is how he was. For some reason I was tired and really didn't want to discuss anymore.

I don't think the father excuse explains why he couldn't ask how I was etc. Also, if the shoe were on the other foot, I really really doubt he would ok with being treated like that.

Anyway, I am relieved at saying something. I left it in limbo and that suits me right now.


Good for you.

And you didn't fall for those kinds of manipulations. You have described his "poor ME pity ME" hook. Very interesting that he produced the silent treatment after this didn't work, though I'm quite sure it did in the past right? The fact that he was so shocked wasn't so much that he didn't know exactly what he was doing but rather his source of energy was being denied him.

I'm not saying he's a bad person but he has anger issues (among other things) which he hasn't dealt with. You can't be expected to bear the brunt of that unresolved "stuff."

So, good job. It is always a tough thing to do. It remains to be seen if he can mend his ways - you never know. Actions speak louder than words - always a good barometer I think.

Topal
 
M

mirian

Guest
Dear sunnygirl

You say that you are living in a foreign country. So am I. Therefore, I do understand exactly how vulnerable you can feel. What I cannot understand is why you are exposing yourself to such a misery since adapting to the situation as a foreigner is hard enough. Do you really believe that you deserve to go through such a hardship? I am not going to try to analyse your boyfriend attitudes and/or behaviour because you have already been given a lot to think about on this forum. However, I would like to suggest you to ask the Yi advice on how to build sound relationships and find partners that are really worthy.

Take care
Mirian
 

sunnygirl

visitor
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
174
Reaction score
8
Thank you Topal and Mirian. :bows:

No I don't deserve this kind of treatment at all. 2008 will be a year for growth and finding sound mutual relationships.
 

Clarity,
Office 17622,
PO Box 6945,
London.
W1A 6US
United Kingdom

Phone/ Voicemail:
+44 (0)20 3287 3053 (UK)
+1 (561) 459-4758 (US).

Top