Hello.

I need your help about one particular reading I got.

I've been in a difficult on/off relationship for over 5 years.
We've done many things to each other, good and bad, and several times I just felt so extremely hurt by him that I had to leave. And I knew that if I was unhappy I'd make him unhappy as well and then he'd make me even more unhappy - a circle.
But he always knew just the right things to say and then we got back together, for awhile it would be great but then things just rolled downhill again, got difficult again and again I'd leave him, and so around and around in circles.
It seems like a small amount of love from him can make me blind to everything that's wrong between us, and it also seems to me that there's something in general about us that I'm blind to.
Now we're together, and things seem to be running smoothly for now, but I don't feel relaxed nor happy, only in certain moments. I'm trying; I don't want to see him hurt again. He's trying: he doesn't want to see me leave.
I asked the I ching whether we'll make the same mistakes again - as it seems that we've both grown since the beginning - and the I ching answered thus:

16 to 29. Enthusiasm to Water.
I'm not quite sure what to make of it...
Drowning my enthusiasm? The fact that I lack willpower will be the final demise of our relationship?
What can you make of it?
Thanks

Before reaching your actual reading, I saw 29 all over what you were saying. The repetition of a habitual cycle is hard to change, but I think it can always be done, if both parties want it to and are willing to change specific behaviors. You create new repeated patterns, which edify each other and the relationship.

16, line 2, 4 and 5. At a glance, these look like three options you guys have to choose from. Don't be moved by the electricity between you (good luck on that one), both of you committing to actually making something of the relationship, or just plodding along, even if it kills you.

16.2
You two have real problems and you should not think that ignoring them will make them go away.

16.4
You believe in this relationship and your belief inspires your partner to want to make it work too.

16.5
Therefore you are hanging in there but it's really not satisfactory.

29.
If you are sincere, you have success in your heart and everything you do succeeds.

I see this as a very positive reading for being able to make your relationship work, but I think there needs to be a better way to deal with situations than just just stuffing your feelings (16.2). Possibly 16.4 is pointing to having a wider social circle so you are getting support from others in those areas where your partner doesn't share your enthusiasm. Or maybe it means cultivating friendships with couples whose relationships you admire and adopting their good ideas. Maybe 16.4 is pointing to reading a book that has good suggestions for building relationships.
29. says you are two distinct individuals - not a partnership - so there is a need for lots of conversation and feedback rather than just assuming you know what the other is thinking or what you have agreed to.

You mention that you keep breaking up but then keep getting back together. Perhaps you should consider this together-apart-together pattern is inherent in your relationship and not feel that you are necessarily doing something "wrong" when you feel you need to get away. Perhaps 16.2 is saying you make a mistake staying when it would be best to separate for awhile. This could mean you should get off the phone or cut off contact the moment you see you aren't connecting. You may feel to call back five minutes later, but the separation is still necessary.

Best wishes,
-rosada

ehm . . one more point of view for your pot ajam

at the danger of over-reading this, I tend to see your reading as saying 'guide your enthusiasm through the trials'

16.2: know the things that make this work, know the attitudes that make it go haywire, help the first prosper, nip the others at their bud

16.4: don't doubt about this bond being right, you two are drawn to one another as strongly and naturally as two people ever can (in transitional hexagrams this line corresponds with 40.4: release the things that hold you back, you can do this)

16.5- maybe this is the most difficult line of three: stick it out when things dampen your enthusiasm, I think that sheer will and innate strength are important here . . could it be that you get discouraged a wee bit too easily? In the transitional method again, this corresponds with 7.5 and when I get this line I have a question ringing in my head: who is in charge here?? No, no, I'm not saying that you need to assign roles among you, but you do need to learn the basic principles of your relationship (16.2?) and learn how to compensate for the weaknesses . . I think that the 'general' here would be the two of you in a united front, setting up your army so that your problems don't overshadow your strong points but are helped and supported by them . .

29, as Rosada writes, if you are sincere everything furthers . . does that mean eternal bliss? probably not but it definitely looks like a challenging and fruitful process from which you can learn a lot both about yourself and relationships . .

take care!

The way it's great -- and then it goes downhill -- and then it's okay again -- doesn't all this feel like it's wearing you down?

Maybe you are expecting too much from one relationship?

If you yourself were steadier, more confident, maybe more consistently appreciative of him, taking it all more lightly and with more grace, then everything would go better, I think. It seems like you've already made a decision that he's the one you want to be with, so try to harbor no doubts.

It's like sometimes the tide is coming in, and sometimes the tide is going out -- but the sea isn't going away. The ocean will always be there.

Further thoughts...
Although i quoted Wilhelm's encouraging translation for the Judgement of line 29, i don't think we can take it to mean everything will work out fine and dandy, only that if you are clear on the inside you'll be able to handle all the ups and downs on the outside - even if that means going on on your own.

16.2 absolutely states you must disconnect if you are not being treated well.
16.4 says there is real attraction between you.
16.5 Warns you could keep this relation alive if you choose to stifle yourself and put up with whatever, but what kind of a life is that? But tolerating the bad stuff just to keep the relationship alive isn't even necessary. What's necessary is that you..

29. to thine own self be true. The good news though, is once you decide not to tolerate unacceptable behavior and refuse to settle for less than the best, you may fine you and your partner start to recognize your problems have been caused simply because from time to time you need to give each other some space and that when you are able to say, "I can't listen to this any longer, " or "I'm going for a jog," or what ever is appropriate to
signal it's time for a break, well, lo, your partner will admit they too know you all need some time out and not need to create a crisis to get it.

-rosada

Thank you very much for your insights.
I think you are all right in a way, but Rosada helped me a great deal with her multidimensional viewpoint.
However, even before I came to ask for your advice, what puzzled me most about this reading was exactly line 5 and the application of its advice.
But I'm alone on that one
Thank you again - and see you around.

Ask the I Ching what the reason is for your feeling sick

ajam said:

However, even before I came to ask for your advice, what puzzled me most about this reading was exactly line 5 and the application of its advice.
But I'm alone on that one

Click to expand...

Maybe not so alone as you think, Ajam.

If I were you, I would ask the I Ching another question specifically to clarify your fifth line moving in H16.

For example, I got 16.5 recently with reference to a job situation, so I asked Yi: What is the reason I feel sick today after working for this company?

In that way I learned why I was feeling sick and afflicted, Ajam.

Commentators differ in their interpretations of this line. You don't have to believe any negative interpretations if you don't want to. If I were you, I'd ask a second question of the Yi, just to shed more light on this matter. Because, you know, who wants to feel sick all the time?

More on 16.5: Recovery

Not all commentators say this means that you will be chronically ill but not die from it.

There is also the interpretation that says that recovery is to be expected. That is, whatever is bothering you will be resolved -- or not last long.

I urge you again to ask Yi the reason you feel sick, as I said above. Maybe you just feel that you're "love sick," but really, there's probably a lot more to it than that.