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2 questions: 28uc and 39.1.5 > 36

hereiam

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I feel like a d*mn fool. I've been emailing with someone that piques my interest. We have hilarious long email conversations and he's told me he enjoys them, how funny I am and to contact him anytime. It's someone I wanted to genuinely get to know and looked like we were getting somewhere. That being said, it FEELS LIKE he's pulling away now. I say that because the last time he emailed me was 4 days after I'd emailed him. I replied yesterday and it's been a day and a half and nothing. Before it took him just under a day for him to respond (he's in a different time zone). I have a long history of people seeming interested in the beginning and vanishing on me. I've gathered that I come on too strong, get too excited and I suppose they feel pressure. I don't know but I do know I'm tired of it. My heart is so full of pain and disappointment. It's amazing I'm still standing. Why even try at human interaction when it just causes more and more pain? :( After reading online articles and watching YouTube videos by all these "love coaches" I guess he just lost interest.

Trying not to come to the conclusion that I just absolutely suck. I feel so unlovable, unwanted, just not worth the time. Because that is how it appears I'm treated by people I like. :confused:

I asked the IC a yes/no question which I know is not a good idea. But I have a lump in my throat and holding back tears.
I asked "will he email me back?"
The response was 28 UC. At first I thought it was a strong Yes but after further investigation it seems a very negative hexagram with all the talk of collapse and being too weighty. Like it all just collapsed under this (my) pressure? I guess it was too much for him and he pulled away. FML. I'm embarrassed if that is the case, that I was too much for him, that I was overzealous. I will not email him again. I will not chase after him. I've been down that road before and it just makes me look like even more of a silly fool chasing after someone. This whole thing is difficult because I've been in this type of situation before. There's a reason he just leaves my message sitting in his inbox not replied to. :eek:uch:

Then I asked "how specifically should I handle this now?"
Response was 39.1.5 > 36
Ok...lots of talk about limping. And hiding my light. I guess this can be summed up as staying back. Don't reach out, don't contact him at all. That was my plan. I hate when IC just tells me what I'm already doing. I guess the friends in this reading are people here on onlineclarity.

If anything after all these years of pain and disappointment I'm learning to not be excited about anyone and most of all don't show or say it!! FML. :bag:
Anyone have any other thoughts??

If you read this far, thank you. Now, I'm going to bury my face in my mattress and cry.
 

angelatlantis14

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Hi hereiam,

you have asked

"If anything after all these years of pain and disappointment I'm learning to not be excited about anyone and most of all don't show or say it!! FML.
Anyone have any other thoughts?? "

Yes, indeed I am having other thoughts. It is a commomn misconception that when people draw away that the other "chased" them away by showing their sympathy openly to the other - as if, by being cold and aloof, these people would suddenly become warm and intent on contact...

But really the thing in my opinion is the other way around - you are starting off from a position of feeling inferior and unlovable, and therefore, feel attracted by people who will reciprocate that feeling by for example, being emotionally incompetent, having their own issues etc....No one does that intentionally, but it is an instinct, seeking out what we are familiar with, even if it is bad :(

So it makes not one bit of a difference if you show your feelings or not - a nice and good person will like that show of emotion and give back to you. An emotionally undeveloped person will always find a reason to reject it...

But to get to know nice people, you first need to find your own self-appreciation ( and not in the typical, new-agey love-yourself-and everything-is-ok way, but in a true and deep way). This is in most cases a long and sometimes painful process, but I genuinely believe it is the only way to go.

So these are my thoughts, hope they help you a little bit!

best wishes

maui
 

hereiam

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Maui you are correct.
I feel deflated and like I can't breathe at times. The exhaustion of trying to love others and they ditch me...well it's as if they plunge a knife in my chest. As if to say Haha F you!
Thank you for your thoughtful words and NOT saying all those new age things that get me nowhere. It is absolutely laborious and painful to go through this. But I will make it through. Even if it means I lie on the floor in a heaping crying mess to figure out this elusive thing of self love. I'm left with no choice but to bust through...
 

angelatlantis14

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Hi hereiam,

good for you to fight back and starting to reclaim your life and happiness!
I wish you a lot of courage and strength - everyone who needs to heal needs it...but I am convinced that it is possible.
There is a very good book that has helped me a lot - it is called "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself " by Kristin Neff.

Maybe you want to check it out, for me this was a lot more helpful than other books / advice.

all the best

maui
 
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diamanda

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Hi hereiam, and really sorry to hear you're finding yourself in such a painful situation.
Can I just say here, that although I totally agree with what maui said, I'd like to add something.

So it makes not one bit of a difference if you show your feelings or not - a nice and good person will like that show of emotion and give back to you. An emotionally undeveloped person will always find a reason to reject it...

That is so true - a nice and good person will reciprocate exactly what you give them.
If, of course, they fancy you - but you've already said that guy sounded like he fancies you.
And yet, nice and good people, who reciprocate, are the exception and a very small minority.

The vast majority of people, especially when it comes to relationships, follow a sort of a 'game'.
In your case, I believe the guy felt "ok I've got her" so he moved on to another conquest.
The fact alone that you're so far away that it's a different time zone, is alarming in itself.

how specifically should I handle this now? 39.1.5 > 36
Back off for now, and ask the advice of friends.
Hide what you know, hide your intelligence, go undercover.
Maybe this trick will make him feel like 28, a male, way too heavy in himself.
Disappear on him, and he might just feel compelled to contact you?
But please be realistic - he already doesn't sound like a decent person.
 

hereiam

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Hi hereiam, and really sorry to hear you're finding yourself in such a painful situation.
Can I just say here, that although I totally agree with what maui said, I'd like to add something.



That is so true - a nice and good person will reciprocate exactly what you give them.
If, of course, they fancy you - but you've already said that guy sounded like he fancies you.
And yet, nice and good people, who reciprocate, are the exception and a very small minority.

The vast majority of people, especially when it comes to relationships, follow a sort of a 'game'.
In your case, I believe the guy felt "ok I've got her" so he moved on to another conquest.
The fact alone that you're so far away that it's a different time zone, is alarming in itself.

how specifically should I handle this now? 39.1.5 > 36
Back off for now, and ask the advice of friends.
Hide what you know, hide your intelligence, go undercover.
Maybe this trick will make him feel like 28, a male, way too heavy in himself.
Disappear on him, and he might just feel compelled to contact you?
But please be realistic - he already doesn't sound like a decent person.

He did contact me again via FB message.
then I accepted his friend request. So much fot disappearing on him huh? Anyway we chatted briefly as he had to go out with friends. He'd said he'd reply to an email I sent him nearly 2 weeks ago....that he hasn't forgotten. He said he'd "strike again soon" since he has my email and my FB now. Said again he enjoys our chats and has a big smile on his face when we talk. Really I feel lousy. All these "I'll do XYZ" and it doesnt happen. I don't know who to talk to about it really except people here. I feel like I'm being strung along though I don't know if that's real or my very negative nature. How would I even disappear now ? He knows how to contact me. :(

I asked IC another Q...."What do I do about this?"
Answer 64UC
Hmmmm either be patient ....cautious....or don't hold your breath. I hv no idea. I'm just so hurt. I don't understand what I am doing for men to do this to me. I don't like being treated in such a way. :(
 

angelatlantis14

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Hi hereiam,

"How would I even disappear now ? " - in the same way that he has disappeared on you - by just not answering his communications anymore. Just because he has your email and Facebook information does not mean that you need to stay in contact with him. that is entirely yoour own decision, just like he is making his decisions...

"I don't understand what I am doing for men to do this to me. "
Well - continuing contact with someone who has disappointed and disregarded you before, and accepting their friend request, is a good way to enable people to hurt you. If you do not want it, you should discontinue this contact.

In the end what you do is your decison and yours alone.

best wishes

maui
 
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diamanda

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Ah I see now. The guy is toying with you, stringing you along as you put it.
Well don't take it personally, he's just being an idiot and I'm sure not just towards you.

How would I even disappear now ? He knows how to contact me.
The exact same way he disappeared on you:
next time he contacts, just don't answer for quite a while, and when/if you reply pretend everything's jolly.

What do I do about this? 64 unchanging
"Not across, not yet". Don't reply, take your time.

PS - just saw maui's post - agree on all points.
 

hereiam

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Thank you both very much. I've read your comments several times. I will keep reading until it clicks. I am disappointed in myself that I don't seem to have the awareness to look after myself better - to see things for what they are. I guess this is how I learn! Just sucks! I didn't even see that I was enabling him. There's no reason in the world to take so long to do something unless you're trying to control the situation out of fear of being hurt. I agree..he is being an idiot.
 
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diamanda

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Totally agree, it sucks, but it's quite a common behaviour, so keep an eye out.

There's no reason in the world to take so long to do something unless you're trying to control the situation out of fear of being hurt.
He's trying to control the situation not out of any fear, but just because guys like to have their confidence pumped up by having many women running after them.

If you're doubting this, try googling "how to get a woman run after you".
Or read this example (pay attention to "ignoring her" etc), just one out of countless similar advice to men online.
 

hereiam

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Ugh it feels icky. Feels almost violent. Either way im really not interested in chasing someone who is ignoring me. It is really a shame. The guy doesn't genuinely like me at all...he is just effing around. I'm so glad i didn't go asking a million questions and feeding into it anymore than I started to! Game over.
 

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