22.1.3.5 to 61 - cast twice: new job, healing?

[kestrelw1ngs]

hello - i'm back.
everything is in the open in regards to relationship. i am burnt out and in a full blown depression. everything became too much (got 3 different readings with 28) reaching out to friends but finding it hard to connect over anything besides negativity. my situation is not volatile necessarily, and i keep gettin 60, enjoy within/respect limits. but i still feel pressure to make some big decision regarding moving, getting a job, breakup, something, and can't see or feel clearly.

the yi has cautioned against hasty moves, and i interpret all my recent readings to mean that emotions must calm down before decisions can be made.
i assess i do not have sufficient money, or connection for a move currently through there are hints of possible different living situations in the future, they are several states away. i don't even know if that's what i want, i still feel committed and like i am doing good here. have an appt with a psychiatrist soon. but asked:

"what do I need to heal?"
received 22.1.3.5 to 61

asked a bunch more, including "what is my most honest next step?"
16 uc
"show me my fear of commitment?"
16.1.4.5>3

16 is notoriously difficult to interpret. so changed my tune. lack of money and lack of purpose is at root of most of this dread, so
"show me a picture of my next job?

the EXACT same cast, 22.1.3.5 to 61

so... the job is the next step in getting that Inner Trust or confidence back. but what kind of job is it

22.1 is about sincerity in words, but also could be about beautifying myself?
22.3 seems like it could be a"dream" job
I am trying to entirely change careers out of mental healthcare.
22.5 could just reflect that, a totally new humble start in a different field

. I am looking into environmental field tech work, several friends have connections at different schools. it doesn't pay much, or anything, to start, but tracking wild plant & animal health is something that comes naturally to me, and i feel passionate about wilderness. don't see how it otherwise fits the reading. i've been daunted by the research and networking it would take to start. friend said the most important thing they look for is being personable....which is not my strongest suite.

any assistance with interpretation much appreciated!

 

[redoleander]

"what do I need to heal?"
received 22.1.3.5 to 61

22.1 Going your own way. Not rushing. Make the road by walking, so to speak.
22.3 Coming back to yourself. Enjoy simply pleasures. Seeing the good. I don't normally assume the positivity fixes everything but it looks like gratitude or, at the least, appreciation is part of this. Fun. The caveat, I think, would be about not choosing instant gratification of the psychic/interpersonal equivalent of empty calories.
22.5 Do the best you can. Make your offering. Go through the smallness and doubt of genuine effort and listening to your own inner guidance. Don't expect too much too soon, but also have faith that what you do in a real, genuine way will grow to be more.

22 > 61 Inner peace, truth, and beauty.

"what is my most honest next step?"
16 uc

Getting centered. Not letting fantasies and flights of fancy run too wild. Choosing something (most likely the above reading) to put your full heart into.

"show me my fear of commitment?"
16.1.4.5>3

16.1 Talking a big game early on and jumping in quickly
16.4 Wandering eye or choosing those with wandering eye (or both), Being able to meet people but the struggling with the rest of it
16.4 Persisting in old patterns and challenges without being able to change them yet. But this is also good food for growth, difficulties can catalyze change

16 >3 Emotional woes and difficulties need outside help; see someone who can help you work through this and make a new beginning for yourself.

"show me a picture of my next job?
the EXACT same cast, 22.1.3.5 to 61

Focus on the answer you already receive and what you need to do there. I don't interpret this as looking to a dream job for salvation, looks like the opposite to me. Focus on the inside first. If you need a job, maybe get one that won't get in the way of your other other healing or supports it somehow. More ease, peace, and softness. More reality, too. Less chaos.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

tha

"what do I need to heal?"
received 22.1.3.5 to 61

22.1 Going your own way. Not rushing. Make the road by walking, so to speak.
22.3 Coming back to yourself. Enjoy simply pleasures. Seeing the good. I don't normally assume the positivity fixes everything but it looks like gratitude or, at the least, appreciation is part of this. Fun. The caveat, I think, would be about not choosing instant gratification of the psychic/interpersonal equivalent of empty calories.
22.5 Do the best you can. Make your offering. Go through the smallness and doubt of genuine effort and listening to your own inner guidance. Don't expect too much too soon, but also have faith that what you do in a real, genuine way will grow to be more.

22 > 61 Inner peace, truth, and beauty.

"what is my most honest next step?"
16 uc

Getting centered. Not letting fantasies and flights of fancy run too wild. Choosing something (most likely the above reading) to put your full heart into.

"show me my fear of commitment?"
16.1.4.5>3

16.1 Talking a big game early on and jumping in quickly
16.4 Wandering eye or choosing those with wandering eye (or both), Being able to meet people but the struggling with the rest of it
16.4 Persisting in old patterns and challenges without being able to change them yet. But this is also good food for growth, difficulties can catalyze change

16 >3 Emotional woes and difficulties need outside help; see someone who can help you work through this and make a new beginning for yourself.

"show me a picture of my next job?
the EXACT same cast, 22.1.3.5 to 61

Focus on the answer you already receive and what you need to do there. I don't interpret this as looking to a dream job for salvation, looks like the opposite to me. Focus on the inside first. If you need a job, maybe get one that won't get in the way of your other other healing or supports it somehow. More ease, peace, and softness. More reality, too. Less chaos.

thank you for your interpretation, your words are kind. I will be reflecting on this but really love the last part. More peace, and softness, and reality. One step at a time.
Also, the interpretation of both 16 readings feels spot on. 16.1.4.5>3 is the very picture of my dysfunctional partnerships: big game, fast commitment to people with 'wandering eye' and consequently having one myself, old patterns and cycles. Whew!

Regarding not choosing instant gratification: that has been the long standing problem in my relationship. My partner has severe ADHD and consquently is always pursuing a 'hit' in some way. I also have ADD, but have been trying to pull away from addictive habits and focus on long term growth, find systems and solutions to address things like chores, paperwork, etc. She sees herself as very helpless with these things. The trouble comes when her 'hits' come in the form of seeking romantic attention from others (yay! motivating!) when she gets bored or frustrated, instead of talking about our problems (boo, boring and not fun), leaving me feeling neglected and like a nag. Its an open relationship, but I do not appreciate the pairing of avoiding navigating conflict + seeking outside attention. In my eyes, a successful open marriage requires a strong foundation and very clear intentions/commitment.

Although that's a big problem, we otherwise have good times. She often complains I don't appreciate the enjoyment we do share, due to focusing on the problems.

We are making some progress but she often puts the responsibility on me to motivate her or manage her substances. Drawing boundaries has not been easy and requires a lot of patience and detachment. I joined a codependency support group recently and have been pleasantly surprised at the gentle and honest environment of it. And at least she is no longer asking me to manage her alcohol!

today positivity looked like cooking for my partner's nephew, coloring and doing flashcards with him in two languages. We were both learning and it was fun simple but lifted the depressive fog quite a bit.

I hear the wisdom in prioritizing the inside, thank you for your perspective.

 

[redoleander]

Thank you for sharing your experience and how you see it tied into the reading. 16.5 is a line I find quite mysterious, for something that sounds so straightforward, because I find it hard to know if it’s telling me “this is your work” or that I’m enduring in something that no longer makes sense. I had the thought, after writing you, that 16.5 could possible mean that you don’t necessarily have a fear of commitment in the typical sense… that maybe you do actually hang onto relationships and could examine why, like what the pattern is. I have received 16.5 before meaning something akin to codependency. Persevering and, no, not dying but maybe worth looking at what the perseverance is providing you (is it good or more problems etc). I’ve had 16.4.5 together before and it did mean that neither of us wanted to give up, although not much changed between us either. I wonder if you’d want to seek out any kind of additional support?

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

Thank you for sharing your experience and how you see it tied into the reading. 16.5 is a line I find quite mysterious, for something that sounds so straightforward, because I find it hard to know if it’s telling me “this is your work” or that I’m enduring in something that no longer makes sense. I had the thought, after writing you, that 16.5 could possible mean that you don’t necessarily have a fear of commitment in the typical sense… that maybe you do actually hang onto relationships and could examine why, like what the pattern is. I have received 16.5 before meaning something akin to codependency. Persevering and, no, not dying but maybe worth looking at what the perseverance is providing you (is it good or more problems etc). I’ve had 16.4.5 together before and it did mean that neither of us wanted to give up, although not much changed between us either. I wonder if you’d want to seek out any kind of additional support?

Hi,
Yes codependency makes sense. I am considering asking at the clinic I go to if they have couples counseling or maybe just mediation.
Tonight we talked and I tried communicating differently, just asking questions about her experience instead of my interpretation and rambling thoughts. That might seem basic, but I guess that's how bad its been. She all but broke down describing the intense stress she feels. It seems like emotional abuse on my part. It puts a different spin on the "wandering eye" because she says she just wanted someone to be nice to her. I did try.

We were able to acknowledge the other's experience of pain and make a few simple agreements.

I'm sort of hanging on trying to repair, apply gentleness. I could have just ended things permanently, firmly, and made my intentions clear to move out. But something keeps me hanging on. I guess that desire to change my own behavior, not to totally break her heart, hoping to preserve some good thing we do have....or maybe just denial? Desire to believe its possible to set her down more gently than people in my past have done to me. There are those cycles.

Trying to listen to the Yi but wishful thinking is powerful.

I asked Yi "How to repair the harm?"
11.4 > 34

inner work? seeking help and humbling myself, or Yi saying I'm fluttering as if I don't know what to do when I do and should just do it.
i am taking notes from this thread https://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/index.php?threads/11-4.4797/

"dissolving guilt and guile" to do what is needed, everyday work, sounds about right.

she did request not to talk about our problems for awhile and just have a nice time, issues aside, at least this week.

avoiding problems perhaps with how urgently the change is needed, I will find the 34 "great man" power to find integrity and end things with honor.

i would never go through anything like this again. hopefully this karmic cycle BREAKS here.

 

[redoleander]

11.4 > 34 sounds a lot like what you described here. Presence, being there, relating, connecting. I suppose “neighbors” could also be other support. Asking at the clinic, as you mentioned, might be part of that. Or connecting out of a desire to relate, not a goal or to get something specific. I wonder if you both feel like you need a friend or confidante.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

11.4 > 34 sounds a lot like what you described here. Presence, being there, relating, connecting. I suppose “neighbors” could also be other support. Asking at the clinic, as you mentioned, might be part of that. Or connecting out of a desire to relate, not a goal or to get something specific. I wonder if you both feel like you need a friend or confidante.

yes to all.
this has pulled back the curtain on some super old wounds/cycles around vulnerability & taking risks in communication. realized how little practice i have just relating . it is a shared cycle in both our families, mine is more manipulative, hers more blunt, but both heavy on the "getting stuff done" and stunted on the connection bit
she has been connecting with some work friends and formulating a meetup. i'm really happy as isolation has been such a big struggle for her.

tonight i got anxious again wanting to just end things due to yet another miscommunication/hurtful situation and Yi kept giving me 12.
so i asked "how do I manage my anxieties?"
got 17.3.6> 13

13 as resulting hex definitely suggests wider networks and support groups.
17.3 made me laugh. very clearly "get that inner child throwing a tantrum into the backseat and don't let them drive the car!"

Attaching to the elder man,
one loses sight of the little child.
Following is a search for gain.
It is beneficial to persist staying put.

17.6 just speaking to the amount of effort required to "bind" to relationships.

i can't track it exactly but have seen a few hints in other threads for my recent castings about the difficulty of maintaining connection past just "meeting" people.

sort of makes sense of that 16.5 dilemma above, to me. that maybe yes, there is a sense of staying in something that doesn't quite work but its to really examine and transform some patterns since the external situation has us stuck here. addressing patterns that prevent maintaining long term connections of any form.

anyhow, I calmed down, communicated directly how I felt without guilt tripping, she acknowledged my feelings, and well....regardless if the behavior actually changes, that's progress for both of us. small wins for now.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

asked "what do I need to know about myself in this relationship?" yesterday and got
61.2
"A crane makes sound in the shadows, her young responds/ I have a fine flagon of wine/together you and I will waste it."
quite a beautiful line, reassuring. as if inside, we are speaking the same language, even if there are translation difficulties. the Yi has given me some very lovely readings lately on my inner truth w/ our connection. never says anything about a lasting relationship, just that there is a spiritual & beautiful element worth treasuring even as things change.

asked "show me a picture of the relationship between X and I"
got 26.5 - the gelded horn, domestication of wild impulses. sort of like we are grinding each other's dangerous areas down, now they are refined, more polite? not necessarily great, but a transformation all the same.

I am grateful to Yi for guiding me through all of this anxious inquiry and starting to find that acceptance & slowness it encourages.

 

[kestrelw1ngs]

odd this exact cast came up when asking how I could improve my conversational skills.