31 changing to 12?!?

[dalila]

Hello Everyone,

I have just asked the yi a relationship question: What is most likely to happen between us if I send him an email asking him to go to counseling with me? The answer: 31 changing to 12. Now 31 seems awfully optimistic, but 12??? How would you all interpret it?

Some background (I don't want to bore with you with all of the details)... I ended a relationship close to a year ago with a man that I loved very deeply because he betrayed me. We have tried to go back a couple of times but have been too mistrustful of each other to give it a real try. He contacted me a few weeks ago after a silence of a couple of months (the silence was at my request). He called "just to say hi." I did not answer in any way. I miss him and I am not playing around. I just don't know what to do. I feel counseling is our only hope, but most of the time think I should just try and work on letting go.

How would you interpret the results?

Thank you so much, Dalila

 

[seeker]

I think the key to your answer lies in the moving lines, which I read as saying not to try to force your ideas on others or to let them force their ideas on you, and that there has to be something behind your words. Perhaps you should start counseling by yourself and then invite him to join you if you think that will help. I'm curious as to why you did not go to counseling before now, you said it has been a year. It sounds like maybe you really just want to let go, but maybe he has convinced you to try again. I think you need to decide what you really want before you pull him into it.

 

[jeanystar]

Dahlia,
I think the most telling part of your letter comes through when you say "most of the time I feel I should just let go..."
I would trust my gut here...
The reading seems to reflect the idea of your inviting him to counseling, but that there is also something blocked here...maybe it is your own (and valid) resistance.
If this man betrayed YOU, I suspect it is more a matter of you not being able to trust him rather than vice versa....he would need to win your trust back, and not just call to "say hi"....Dont know the details, but that sounds like bait on the end of a hook. And you could bite just because you are lonely.
Why not sit down and converse with the Yi about what it is you really want..or something along those lines.
Take good care of yourself.
Jeannie

 

[dalila]

Thank you so much seeker and jeannie,

Seeker, I think you might misunderstand me a bit. I have been unclear in my questions and explanations. I have been in counseling alone for over a year and a half. I feel the only way he and I can get past our problems is if we have some help. I would very much like to go to couples counseling with him. I love him very very much and I would do anything to be able to be back together with him in a way I can feel ok about. But every time we get close to that he runs and hides and that's why I want to let go. It hurts too much to keep going through that over and over again. So I know what I want, I just am very very wary about any illusions about getting it.

Jeannie, you are so right, I can't trust him yet and him calling to just say hi and to tell me he misses me is just not enough to inspire my trust. I know he called scared and I'm sure that was just to cover up his fear at my reaction to his call, but still... No apology. Nothing. Is that how you would interpret the 12? The block is maybe caused by me? That I can't trust him and so that is blocking our way to 31ness?

Thank you so much, Dalila

 

[frank]

Hi Dalila,

Let me try to jump in here. 31 is something I asked about earlier, and LiSe came up with the idea that it could be some kind of solid base (your solid base). When you follow by heart (line 3) and talk to much about it (6) it could lead to 12, as he is probably as scarred as hell. Jeannie made a suggestion to go with the Yi on this and perhaps a new question could be that you try to figure out in what way you want to get him in counselling... Not trying to getting him there by talking what YOU want, but what keeps him away...
Does that make some sense...?

I wish you all the best with this,
Frank

 

[jeanystar]

Yes, Dalia, That is what it would seem to me..that your mistrust/resistance are blocking the way here , as they should be!! Betrayal is serious.
It is just my feeling that after a betrayal, one should resolutely expect/insist for the offender to right the wrong, fully apologize, and satisfy the misgivings (if possible) -OR- move on and let go. HOw could you ever hope to go on with him into the future if suspicion and mistrust are still in place?

As I said, I cant speak with certainty about your particular situation, but ...I do feel you need to respect your own resistance. You deserve to have a relationship that you can trust...Is this possible with him? Has he made that clear in any way?
All the best, Jeannie

 

[dalila]

Frank you are hitting it right on the nose. I guess my underlying wish is that therapy will help us to get to a place where we can have the relationship that *I* want, but what I am hoping for is what you said...I want us to be able to work on the dynamic that happens between us, this old pattern we have and see if we can move past the fear.

Jeannie, everyone I know says that he should call with a big apology and I have been waiting for it. I have never done this before, just not responded to him and I wonder if it's just freaking him out, making him feel that he should just stay away. I'd like to yell in his ear..Say the right thing!!! He probably would. But I am very scared right now to make any move at all towards him.

I should tell you that we are not particularly young and unburdened. There's a lot involved here, and a lot at stake (kids, etc). I want to be with him but I want to be sure that he has called me in a sincere way.

Any of you feel like throwing for me? I feel so clouded by emotion with all of this I wonder if my readings have anything to do with reality.

Thank you so very much, you have been so kind in your responses.. Dalila

 

[jeanystar]

Dalila..
I threw the coins for you...what is the right way for Dalila to proceed......31.4.5 >15
Dont know if you have any new developments to report, but this reading for you seemed hopeful...31.4...wavering...not yet clear in your intention, about what you want...31.5 ..feeling the impulse that will "manifest over time"....(or maybe just a pain-in-the-neck?! )
15 might be the setting in which you behave simply,truthfully, "cut through pride and complications", humbly state your needs. Tell him what it is you need from him. get clear on this before you do.
It might also be that he is in a more humble state now to hear what you have to say.
Hope that helps...hope all is well.
Jeannie

 

[dalila]

Jeannie,
You are so incredibly kind. I am sitting here crying and feeling so confused and alone. I checked this website just to see if anyone had written anything. I can't thank you enough.

He called today and I didn't answer as I promised myself. He called and left a long long message that was just so breezy and light, just told me a long long joke, and honestly it just hurt more than anything. He told me a joke! I know he misses me, he said he did. But he doesn't call with anything substantial. No apology. No acknowledgement of anything that's happened. I just feel he doesn't care about me. Not really. And it hurts very very much. My whole body says Call him back!! But I can't. I can't be with him like this. I can't be with him if nothing's changed.

It's wild that you threw 31 for me too. There is a lot of 31 between us. And 15 I think is very very hopeful. 15 certainly describes how I feel. 15 is what I am wishing for from him.

So with this reading and what you know now...What would you say the coins are saying I should do?

Jeannie thanks so much. I really needed this tonight. Dalila

 

[jeanystar]

Hi Dalila...
I can understand how you feel so well. There is nothing more disheartening than to have that deep need for connection and empathic response while the other party seems completely oblivious and even light-hearted.
It seems there are two possibilities: One, this man is not capable of the deep and meaningful response you are needing...or two, he needs help in understanding your position, feelings and needs, and help in understanding how deeply his betrayal affected you.
The real question is if he is capable of responding after you have told him, after you have helped him understand...? Basically: is he capable of the intimacy that this would require?

That is a big question.

And maybe the only way you will really know is to lay it out for him. Humbly and directly. Put the ball in his court. I would definitely NOT pick up the phone if there is a chance you will be swept up into the flirtatiousness of the moment..which can happen! In your shoes, I would probably put it in writing: This is how you hurt me...and this is what I need if I am to consider seeing you again.
If you can pick up the phone and stay focused on what you need to say, then you could do it verbally.
Either way< i think you need to say it, and I think you need to find out what he is made of.

Some men can be very charming and can "talk in flowers"...but are ultimately unable to work through the nitty-gritty,to respond intimately.
And others can rise to the occasion... with a little help.
( I am sure it can be vice-versa too..no offense to all the beautiful, capable men out there.)

The mutual attraction/influence implied in 31 is very positive, as is the corresponding 15. I thnk you have nothing to lose by taking the next step. It will become clear as you go forward.

And you are not alone, by the way.

Love, Jeannie