45.1.5 > 51 re: writing/telling off my cousin who abused me as a kid

[itsyourlife]

hey all

ive been reading and learning so much from all yous for a few years now. A sincere thanks.

i asked the i ching: how do i change my attachment style?

45 unchanging

ok so i think, cool, gather together people who are like me, go with people who i resonate with, who dont trigger my anxieties, and ill iron it out that way.

a few days later i send the meanest, cutting, full of swear words, blunt, straight up message to my cousin who molested me as a child
i basically told him he is a sick, preverted #^(@ and that he will go to hell for all the suffering hes caused me and that i worry for his daughters etc.
i immediately felt guilty.
but for some reason or the other at that moment i was so sick of thinking about it and how much i hated him cos of all the problems it caused me.

anyway he writes be back right away and i delete the email.
skyping with a pal i tell him, and he says forward me his reply i will read it. so i do, and my pals reply was *scrunch face* "WTF? your cousins an ^$$#0{3 etc."
my cousins reply is something like: "hey what the hell i just got a nasty facebook message from you?"

forward to today: a few weeks pass, about 30 castings, amazing insights and a buncha guys later (i was trying to 45 lol)

i ask the i ching:
how does (cousin) feel about my letter?
45.1.5 > 51

now i am trying to figure out if getting 45 in regards to my cousins perceived reaction/effect is part of me changing my attachment style, or if its about my cousin and how he was all la-di-da and then BAM. itsyourlife remembers, and i am a prick. cos that is what i would like, i guess

Thoughts?

 

[itsyourlife]

oh yes, thought i should add i got hex 51.6>21 about the same time when i was asking about a guy, and how to 41 (decrease my urgency)

and i got 41 unchanging when i asked "what can i do to make myself feel better"

 

[pocossin]

How does (cousin) feel about my letter?
45.1.6 > 51

Your description of the casting is in error. Maybe it should be 45.1.5 > 51. Anyway, your cousin probably feels that once again he has gotten away with it. You have psychological wounds that do not show, and he knows it and will deny that anything happened and will question your sanity. My opinion is that you need professional advice, which you should be able to get by contacting social services in Toronto. I once knew a woman who specialized in helping sexual abuse victims. I was impressed by her caring and think you might find the same in Canada.

 

[itsyourlife]

oh yes thank you pocossin

i didnt notice my typo in my post. ive edited now

that kinda sucks, i kinda thought that. theres just no accountability for that kind of thing over there.
and there was never any kind of real stable support or understanding of the extent of the maltreatment of us kids back then.

and yes thanks i do realize id need some treatment for all the abuses ive gone through but i want to apply for my citizenship here and canada wont take you if you have a diagnosed mental problem, so im gonna wait till i get that sorted, my citizenship i mean. but for years ive been actively trying to identify my problems with a lot of reading and researching. the iching helps a lot too, when it comes to emotional aspects i cant sort out on my own, specially this past month or so. im also taking a CBT course in mindfulness which is helpful

meanwhile..

would you have any input how 45 could also help me attain a secure attachment style?

thanks for your reply. i didnt pick up in the lines him picking up that "my wounds dont show" so he manipulates that and is crazy-making. no one really ever would suspect what ive gone through. do you think that is part of the solution 45 is suggesting? that i appear strong and stable, so maybe i should join in/gather with people who are going through the same thing?

xo

 

[itsyourlife]

coming from 44, strong woman, im gonna say thats me cos people think im these kinds of qualities, strong, sexually confident, artistic, charming, lots of friends, independent- people generally think my life is Great

to 45 gathering together like minded people ??

to 46 pushing upward (that which pushes upward does not look back/ healing / growth / emerge whole? ) (that would be cool)

 

[anemos]

would you have any input how 45 could also help me attain a secure attachment style?

xo

H 45 is secure attachment.

maybe if you read it as you read a simple book you can find some answers. people gather around a leader. it my be "your leader" or another individual. When I get 45 , i hear a "get together".

maybe there is way to find counseling without be written to your records ?

 

[itsyourlife]

H 45 is secure attachment.

maybe if you read it as you read a simple book you can find some answers. people gather around a leader. it my be "your leader" or another individual. When I get 45 , i hear a "get together".

maybe there is way to find counseling without be written to your records ?

-if i got private therapy, maybe it could off the record, but thats like, what, at least $80-150 per one hour session. id have to use my health card to otherwise access free/gov assisted treatment, and that would be on record for sure.

oh i didnt realize 45 was secure attachment already. i read it in regards to my question, that it answered me 45 as how to attain it by example. so yes i do understand that 45 is secure attachment but my question was how to attain it.
and yeah, i read it as a book. like how id read rumi or something similarly historically based yet retains its universal quality. am i reading your words wrong?

so would you say another question i could ask is: how to find this "leader" or who is this "leader" id need to gather around to attain 45 secure attachment?

 

[itsyourlife]

it would be awesome if the iching was really telling me hey, youre already secure.
youre already 45.

 

[anemos]

so would you say another question i could ask is: how to find this "leader" or who is this "leader" id need to gather around to attain 45 secure attachment?

I'ld spend some more time with 45 if I were you. Its such a lovely answer you got.

its like Yi gave you a gift

 

[itsyourlife]

so yeah, you think i should pour it on thick ey,
im going on what ive already read so i definitely could read up on 45 more.

thanks

 

[itsyourlife]

so ive been trying to keep it together, to keep it real, to discern what is real and go on that.
i was having trouble figuring out who the leader is supposed to be,
me, my dad? my perceived beloved?

working on it.

 

[RindaR]

Your best self?

 

[itsyourlife]

Your best self?

i thought that! i thought the leader might as well be me, with the list i came up with ;D

my best self is so elusive at times. its a constant battle of pulling it back into place...

 

[simulacrum]

Dear itsyourlife,
I just read your messages and the replies. am a homeopath in India .I studied homeopathy later after finishing a conventional medical degree. homeopathy offers help in a wholistic manner without labelling anyone as a psychological illness.
but for this you need to go to a homeopath who practices classical homeopathy.
please see if you can contact a classical homeopath in canada.
the deep hurt heals with good homeopathy.
wish you all the best