45 to 54 - father / daughter relationship

[manitoba33]

After 37 years of marriage my dad began a clandestine affair with another woman. He's never been like this before, not a cheater, morally upright, faithful and honest. But he's extremely depressed, forced into early retirement, lost 90% of his retirement in the stock market and we have watched his personality change, feel no remorse, and turn my family on its end. My dad spent the last several years building my parents dream house, and because my dad had a bunch of stops and starts at cutting off contact with this woman, my mom is living with her mom and taking care of her and has gone through over 3 years of rejection and repeated humiliation (public and private). The most painful thing about this is seeing my dad destroy his life, hurt my mom and lose us and still be unwilling to let this woman go, who he sees as the holy grail of his happiness or answers to all of his lack.


I can't have a relationship with my father because it's too painful to hear him say things like "you dont understand" when he is clearly in an unhealthy addictive relationship with this woman. In a sense, I am mourning my father now as if he is dead and it's so painful, because I was really looking forward to rebuild a relationship with him, but it's too painful to hear his justifications and lack of empathy towards all of us.

I asked the Yi, how does my dad feel about losing me and got

45.1.2.5 > 54

I'm not sure what to make of it, but I get the impression that if we ever talk again, it's not going to be a full reconcile, but a polite or cheap imitation of what our relationship used to be.

Any help on this reading? Thank you so much.

 

[RindaR]

I wonder if Yi is addressing your own situation as you see your mother's pain and as you try to manage your own distress. Since you ask how your dad feels about losing you, I'm also wondering if by distancing yourself you may be trying to punish him or somehow force him to change how he relates to your mother. Please note that I'm not saying that your own distress isn't real.

45 may be saying that it might be of benefit to try to see things from his point of view also - and to hold that vision in a kind of dynamic tension with that of your mother, and of course with your own point of view.... to expand your group because when a group is too narrow it becomes dogmatic.

45.1 - no one person is always right and being connected to each other is more important that being right. You have chosen to separate yourself from your father because you can't tolerate the pain of his choices, that's your choice and will lead to other consequences - perhaps the ending of your relationship with him. This relationship with him is separate from your relationship with your mother in many ways, and I'm wondering if you want to lose that. To stay in relationship with your father is not being disloyal to your mother - you are not responsible for your father's choices and being in relationship with him does not mean you necessarily support those choices.

45.2 Be true in your relationship with each of them - make the relationships your own and not an extension of the relationship with the other parent.

45.5 They have to find their own way - you can't impose the old order or a new one on your family. In time things will find a new balance, a new way of being. You already know it can never be the same.

54 You are in unfamiliar territory and may feel you are in the midst of a battle. Everything you've grown up with, your life-long expectations and assumptions have all gone topsy-turvy so how to know what to do? Do the next right thing according to the best you have been given by each of your parents, including tolerance and love.

You get to choose for yourself. You are only responsible for your own behavior, not his or hers.

Hope this is helpful.

 

[Trojina]

After 37 years of marriage my dad began a clandestine affair with another woman. He's never been like this before, not a cheater, morally upright, faithful and honest. But he's extremely depressed, forced into early retirement, lost 90% of his retirement in the stock market and we have watched his personality change, feel no remorse, and turn my family on its end. My dad spent the last several years building my parents dream house, and because my dad had a bunch of stops and starts at cutting off contact with this woman, my mom is living with her mom and taking care of her and has gone through over 3 years of rejection and repeated humiliation (public and private). The most painful thing about this is seeing my dad destroy his life, hurt my mom and lose us and still be unwilling to let this woman go, who he sees as the holy grail of his happiness or answers to all of his lack.


I can't have a relationship with my father because it's too painful to hear him say things like "you dont understand" when he is clearly in an unhealthy addictive relationship with this woman. In a sense, I am mourning my father now as if he is dead and it's so painful, because I was really looking forward to rebuild a relationship with him, but it's too painful to hear his justifications and lack of empathy towards all of us.

I asked the Yi, how does my dad feel about losing me and got

45.1.2.5 > 54

I'm not sure what to make of it, but I get the impression that if we ever talk again, it's not going to be a full reconcile, but a polite or cheap imitation of what our relationship used to be.

Any help on this reading? Thank you so much.

Ask a better question is my help on this reading. I won't go into full broken record mode but how can this really be decipherable to the extent any of us can tell you what your dad feels.

Ask about you, your best response, actions, your feelings and so on...not his.

IMO that is


The only way to really know his feelings is to ask him. Yi won't always give you a snap shot of the private insides of someone elses mind......

BTW if you really want to know how he feels it means you care, you are in grief for him so you care....so what I don't understand is why you don't go and find him and talk to him. Whatever is happening between him and your mum isn't your problem. His relationship with the other woman isn't your problem either. You and him are still father and daughter no matter what. How would you feel if he 'lost' you because he didn' t like your choice of boyfriend ?

I think it likley this answer strongly suggests you go and meet him (45) or phone him and put aside the principles of why you won't meet him. 54 suggests being or feeling in a secondary position, which you clearly do feel...but if you want to know what he feels you may have to occupy that position now. 54 also shows you can't have your way, you have to adjust.

If he wants to be with this woman he will be won't he ? You say their relationship is 'unhealthy and addictive' but how do we judge others relationships...do we actually even know ? I don't see what their relationship has to do with your relationship with him either ?

I think Yi bypassed the 'how does he feel about losing me' and suggests fathers and daughters don't 'lose' each other anyway....infact he hasn't lost you because you are still spending time thinking of him and if you are going to spend all this time thinking about him you may as well go and see him or call him.

You made him 'lose' you to punish him on your mothers behalf is what it sounds like...and theres something illogical in that equation. If you reread your sentence underlined does it really add up ? When you say "I can't.." I disagree, I think you probably can if you want. I think Yis answers say you can looking at 45.1 and 45.2. 45.5 says some effort is needed but still I don't see continued estrangement as the way this can or will be the way to go.


'You haven't lost him' is what this answer clearly says to me