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58 Unchanging

firehorse

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I asked what would the outcome be if I let him back in my life. Long story short...What started out as a great relationship, then a surprise pregnancy and now a beautiful baby girl. Since becoming pregnant, I found out many things about him that he hid from me - chemical dependency, dating others while we were together, and it seems, mental illness. He was living with me since the baby was born, but after a sleeping pill binge the other night, I made him leave. He was in drug rehab my ninth month of pregnancy. I thought I really wanted him out, gone for good, but my heart is really mourning the loss, so I asked the question.

This seems like such a positive answer, which is really throwing me. My head says run far and fast. Can anyone offer some insight into this?
 

willowfox

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Hex 58 It would appear that you are seeking joy/true happiness but you will not find it by trying to run after it, so if you depend upon this man to bring you happiness then you will be disappointed, to depend upon any external source for true happiness is inviting trouble. Your situation seems to be a very one sided affair with a man that you cannot truly trust at all. Joy in communications come when everyone is being honest with each other which has not been the case to date, so how do you expect it to change in the future?
 

firehorse

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Thank you willowfox - this is more along the lines of reality, and the 58 just didn't seem to fit. I think you have cleared that up a little. Oddly, he has contacted me by email, and has been more honest, more real than I have seen in a long long time. The email is why my heart is so confused right now - the sudden lucidity in his own behavior.
 

Trojina

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I see it as if you let him back into your life your heart will be joyful. Your head may not think it a good idea but you have a relationship with him, hes the father of your child and you miss him so seems clear if he comes back you'll be happy. Of course i don't know the details or how much of a liability he is to you and the child, common sense has to rule of course if he is in any way a danger to either of you, but i really can't see this answer as saying you'll be disapointed if you rely on him for happiness. I mean anyone will be disapointed if they rely on anyone for happiness, no ones perfect.
 

Tohpol

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I asked what would the outcome be if I let him back in my life. Long story short...What started out as a great relationship, then a surprise pregnancy and now a beautiful baby girl. Since becoming pregnant, I found out many things about him that he hid from me - chemical dependency, dating others while we were together, and it seems, mental illness. He was living with me since the baby was born, but after a sleeping pill binge the other night, I made him leave. He was in drug rehab my ninth month of pregnancy. I thought I really wanted him out, gone for good, but my heart is really mourning the loss, so I asked the question.

This seems like such a positive answer, which is really throwing me. My head says run far and fast. Can anyone offer some insight into this?


Now hold up a second before this "letting him back in" thing. I think using your head in this situation is exactly what is needed. The heart can come later when there is something that the heart can TRUST.

I know you know this already but it's worth reiterating:

So, this man was/is an addict, he cheated on you more than a few times it would appear and he is/was mentally ill.

And you are considering letting him back into your and more importantly - your daughter's life?

Don't get me wrong - he may have the makings of a wonderful guy but you REALLY need to take a whole lot of time before you let him back into your life again for both you and your daughter's sake. An email with honesty and sincerity or not - it doesn't cut the mustard I'm afraid. Words are just that - words. It needs action, for that there needs to be time. And you are waaay to early to be even considering having him back imo.

58 to me, is saying joy is returning - you're made the right decision. And you make the right decision when you are operating from a foundation of personal strength that has it seems been drained up until now. Joy and a healthy relationship with the world can slowly return which may or may not include this guy.

So, aside from any IC reading take some time here before you open the doors again. There are two of you now.

Topal
 

Trojina

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How much do personal opinions sway how we see an answer. I mean the question was what would the outcome be if she let him back into her life. Now c'mon in any other context 58 would look pretty good - but Topal and Wfox being sensible,looking at the facts have decided 58 says 'don't'. Well i can see where your're both coming from but still.
I do the same thing, i think everyone does but sometimes it just makes me wonder are we giving our opinions or saying what we think the Yis answer is ?
 

Tohpol

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How much do personal opinions sway how we see an answer. I mean the question was what would the outcome be if she let him back into her life. Now c'mon in any other context 58 would look pretty good - but Topal and Wfox being sensible,looking at the facts have decided 58 says 'don't'. Well i can see where your're both coming from but still.
I do the same thing, i think everyone does but sometimes it just makes me wonder are we giving our opinions or saying what we think the Yis answer is ?


Yes, it's always good to review it in this way whilst the disclaimer banner is flapping around our heads and I do take your cautionary point about our own opinions colouring things...Hmmmm.

Well, I'm not and would never say "don't." As I said, he may be Prince Charming eventually but not while he's an addict and unstable. You don't need the Yi to tell you that. The outcome of this guy coming back into her life may well be boundless joy. But regardless of the Yi and regardless of my or anyone's opinion if he was out on his ear the "other night" then in ANY situation (quite apart from the fact of his said addiction and mental instability) there needs to be time for such happy endings to eventuate. If it does mean Joy in coming together again I think it has to be allowed to happen. 58 doesn't mean an open door nor, of course, does it preclude the fact.

What's the timescale? We don't know. The answer could have been strictly as is. But as an interpretation my money is not that the Yi referring to an outcome but is answering the thoughts behind the question. OR...it is indeed Joy but that could be next week or next year. Either way take yer time....

Topal
 
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Tohpol

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The email is why my heart is so confused right now - the sudden lucidity in his own behavior.

This "sudden lucidity" is quite interesting. Often happens from a shock due to a break in the the comfort zone or a shock due to the heart strings being plucked. Which one is it? Is this lucidity real or merely an all too common form of manipulation?

Only firehouse can know the answer to those questions. And If she doesn't then I would certainly ask the IC some more pertinent ones related to this issue.

Topal
 

Trojina

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Saying someone is an addict can mean many different things according to the type of addiction which we don't know. I can't see that having an addiction and a mental illness automatically make one unfit for family life at all. Obviously Firehorse knows the reality of that.

And why shouldn't he be lucid ? Hes just a person with an addiction problem, hes still a full human being, no less because hes has an addiction or mental illness.
 
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Tohpol

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Saying someone is an addict can mean many different things according to the type of addiction which we don't know. I can't see that having an addiction and a mental illness automatically make one unfit for family life at all. Obviously Firehorse knows the reality of that.
And why shouldn't he be lucid ? Hes just a person with an addiction problem, hes still a full human being, no less because hes has an addiction or mental illness.


I'm not saying that he's not a full human being nor am I saying that he is unfit for family life AND nor am I saying he wasn't lucid. Geeze.:D However, with these factors in mind it does require much more caution for that "family life" to be successful. Family life can be difficult enough without such concerns.

Does it preclude a successful outcome? No. I repeat NO. :brickwall:

Yes, I think you're quite right - Firehorse is inevitably the one with the final word on this one...

Topal
 

Trojina

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:rofl: stop it you will give yourself a headache
 

firehorse

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I thank you all for your input. These are all things I have considered...especially the sudden lucidity that may be a form of manipulation. I don't know. What I do know is that he's told me that he's contacted people that he's been in rehab with, that he's finally reaching out and understanding his own behavior. He's apologized. And he's not begging to come back. We left it at just "being" but not being anything. He verbalized that we need to have some sort of relationship because of our daughter, but what sort of relationship cannot be defined right now. It seems that we are communicating more right now, albeit in the form of email, than we have in a while. He explained that he dated casually and met women on the internet because he was always waiting for everything to crashing down...it seemed too good to be true, and he needed that sort of superficial crap to boost his ego, to fill that big hole that exists in so many of us...just like the addiction. Part of me says "BS" but in a sense, I do understand. I've had that hole before, and engaged in self-destructive behaviors myself.

I asked what will become of us in the next 2 months...45.6 to 12. Lamenting and weeping lead to stagnation? After reading many of the threads here, It seems there could be more to it. It kind of makes sense, but I'd appreciate more input. I'm not good at looking at my own situation objectively. Thank you all again
 

willowfox

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I asked what will become of us in the next 2 months...45.6 to 12.

It clearly says that you would like to get back together with your boyfriend but there are going to be more misunderstandings between you, so there is going to be upset again but maybe, perhaps he comes to his senses and tries to make an effort to do the right thing. Unfortunately with Hex 12 there it does not look successful, a temporary fix that comes unstuck, and it will all fall apart for you yet again, so be warned that this guy likes his other flings and drugs.
 

tabitha

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I always get inner truth when dealing with relationships- (61)
Even though you did not, it always seem to proceed true happiness
and joy with another person. Maybe the email was a start. But don't deny your head.
Hope this helps
 

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