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6.5 to 64 - 6 months into relationship, break up or not, "why don't I want to gobble her up?"

steveday

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Eve and I are 32 and 35 years old respectively, and we’ve been in a relationship the last 6 months. Recently, the “should we have kids” talk came up (she wants them within 5 years, I am undecided) it took the issues below to a head, and we’re discussing whether to continue.

Background: until now, all my relationships have been marred by me thinking myself deeply unworthy and ugly, and then chasing/grasping when the person pulled away. They've been short and intense, with big long hangovers.

This relationship, I don't feel that intense neediness; I feel much more ambivalent, and partly saying to myself "you coward, you don't LOVE her, so you should break up with her" and partly "hmm, this is curious, but I think it's making me feel generally ok, and full of good conversations about our relationship dynamics, feminism, art, pretty things, sex, movies".

This ambivalence is perhaps due in part that I am better in work/artmaking/self-esteem domains. In general my outlook is more positive about myself than ever before, and it feels like something's clicked since the last year or two. More negatively, I've felt less interested in sex the last couple of years, not that we don't do it, but that I do feel like "gah, something's off! why don't I want to gobble her up". Maybe that’s just being 35, and being me?

The conflict: Eve says she wants to be needed, of course! So she is more chasing me, and I feel very much in need of independence. I often feel guilty about asserting boundaries and taking my own time, so that's been hard (and sometimes taken as rejection) but I also sniff that there's maybe a possibility that this is the way forward for me to have sustainable, happier relationships.

The “need” for independence on my part vs. her needs for affirmation, and then all this ambivalence, doubt, etc on my part... I’m not sure if it’s healthy to stay together, and all the cultural advice seems to say “you’re just not that into her, so break up, you coward.”


So I asked Yi:


"Should I stay with Eve? And stay the course?"


("The course" means to me keeping calm, not letting my doubts get too controlling, stay curious and open.)
(And as I wrote it, I thought of “do I have perseverance, sublimity, sobriety to make this work? Am I seeing the situation clearly?)
(and secretly i want to stay together, maybe just because it's easier)

And I get 6.5 to 64.

Which to me seems very auspicious about staying with her, especially that 5 line, which several interpretations remark is the only positive line in the hexagram. “Conflict followed by supreme good fortune. He is central and correct. Seek the great man.” roughly.

So this is suggesting that I AM perhaps on the right path to seeing things clearly, not deluding myself?

I was doubtful (it me), but then my eyes wandered to line 6, which… if Yi had given me line 6, it would be a reading which is exactly in line with my doubts: “It is possible you will be victorious, but you will have created a situation of unending conflicts.” If Yi had given me that line, it would show me using my words to convince her to stay, but then unending conflicts, doubts, fights. In that case, I would have seen it as a counsel to break up.

64 seems also the sanest hexagram to end a conflict with-- the cycle ending to start again with, of course, more business to deal with, but such is a relationship, bucko!

I suppose I’d just like to hear some comments on my interpretation here. What other questions could I ask to clarify/reflect on my doubt/what might be holding me back from loving her?
Does this seem as unequivocal as I see it to be?
What about “the great man?” I’m not very good at quieting my mind (who is?) and I feel like friends, even the wisest, even my therapist, can’t quite get the full picture.

Maybe THE GREAT is YOU? Help me out, lend me your wisdom :)

(I’ve got a couple of other recent readings where 64 and 6 have shown up but I’ll hold those for comments ‘cause i’ve written enough already boyhowdy)
 

marybluesky

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Hello steveday!

64 shows it's not yet time to decide about the relationship: you should try to solve the inner conflict first. The push/pull pattern will repeat otherwise.
As for the line, Liu says: " Conflict. To submit the conflict to a great man brings great good fortune. " I wonder if it's beneficial to visit a relationship consultant or psychologist.

Good luck!
 

Merengue

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I agree that the reading seems to suggest that, at least for the time being, it's valuable to stay in the relationship and continue working through the conflict. Perhaps the relating hexagram suggests that doing so engages the unresolved issues in your own psyche, too. The reading reminds me of advice I received from a friend who told me that it's worth staying in a challenging relationship as long as both people are still growing and learning by being with each other (i.e. as long as the relationship hasn't stagnated or become harmful to either person's personal development). Just because you feel that something is off doesn't necessarily mean it's time to throw in the towel yet. You wrote that you secretly want to stay together but that you worry it's just because it's the easier course; however, it doesn't seem like staying together is necessarily easier if you are committed to the rigors of honest and empathic discourse with your partner. I'm assuming you've been upfront with her about your concern about your own feelings of ambivalence towards the relationship and having children, as well as any other insecurities or doubts that have come up recently. If she's aware of these things, and she is equally committed to working through those issues (and whatever else she's bringing to the dynamic), then the relationship seems worth pursuing and could be a positively transformative experience for both of you. Also, I agree with marybluesky that the Great Man might refer to a couples therapist or someone else who can help with this process!
 

rosada

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6.5-64 reads to me like a couple hammering out a pre-nuptial agreement!
 

steveday

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I'm assuming you've been upfront with her about your concern about your own feelings of ambivalence towards the relationship and having children, as well as any other insecurities or doubts that have come up recently.

I am not sure I've used the word "ambivalence" but we've talked about this dynamic lots, and she knows I don't feel intensely about the relationship, that i have doubts, etc. Sometimes it's come up because she wants to spend more time with me, and I want to keep space.

I worry that speaking openly about my own doubts/ambivalence is right or not. I think my doubts are more about the insecurities I'm working with, and that voicing them would speak directly to her insecurities...

Yes, it does seem like some sort of 3rd party would be good to involve here, a counsellor or such.
We are supposed to speak in the next days, and I think I feel clear about what I want, following what I want. I will wait and see what she has to say, and hope that she isn't thinking only of slamming the door shut.

I have also done a reading asking "How does she feel? how does this look to her" and received:

58.3.4.5.6 to 26

26 suggests she is ready to will forth a decision and some reorganization/plan, or to decide to cut this loose.
 

steveday

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6.5-64 reads to me like a couple hammering out a pre-nuptial agreement!
Indeed, this is also the first time we've been discussing the parameters of the relationship, which seems healthy. We know each other a reasonable amount now, what bugs the other, what is needed by each. Hammering out seems like the right idea!
 

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