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A couple of Aha type readings which I feel clear on but just in case...

em ching

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I just want to post these readings because although I feel they are clear answers to my q's, just in case I am missing something or if anyone would like to add their experiences/ thoughts on these lines, I have posted them here... and would be very grateful :bows:

1. Why am I majorly lacking inner calm right now?
51.6> 21

Saying that I am panicking for no reason, and worrying because that is my habit.. Which I need to bite through! Maybe I've just had too much caffeine this eve :rolleyes: Anyway this thread definitely pushed it into an Aha! reading : http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/friends/showthread.php?t=3855

2. What should I do re my old school friends over Christmas?

( I will be returning home, and so they will be around, but they have rejected me in the past which still hurts, but to be honest I think the hole they left has been mostly healed over now, but I guess I just crave for things to return to being friendly as they were years ago... bridge the gap but I don't know if I am capable, or they willing.. perhaps it's too late to even consider a return to that social circle... and it would be another show of my putting myself down, by going after people who are indifferent...:eek:

I received
12.1 > 25

Pretty clear? To try and put yourself out there again with them would lead to humiliation so don't go there.. or at least don't instigate it.. remain unexpectant of anything from them?
I guess the reason I am still willing, despite their treatment of me in the past, is because I share history with them - my childhood! and good times, though more bad in the recent past... :eek:

Thanks
:bows:
 

mary f

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To me it seems that your lack of inner calm is something natural (Dao), that would manifest sooner or later. But it will pass; you shouldn't worry, especially at the time it's happening. (I know it hurts though). Some people may not comprehend how sensitive you are, but don't take it personally. Perhaps professional help is needed (it's not reasonless) to check and treat the problem to avoid you suffer because panick cannot be attributed to your fault but to some dysfunction in your body.
From what you say, the issue with your friends seems not to be totally healed deep in your heart. From what I can read in 12.1 > 25, your withdrawal is not incorrect since it's sincere. It did really hurt you. Perhaps you should only look after them once you find the real reasons inside of you and feel definitely healed. But be ready because if you don't look after you they may contact you instead.
 

em ching

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Thanks Mary, yeah I guess you mean that they may contact me after all, and I may not be ready to forgive and forget, or at least act like I'm not bothered and they haven't caused me a great amount of upset.. So we'll see, sometimes it really is hard to forgive, when just seeing them is physically upsetting because you associate them with pain... so whether or not I could be natural again with them... but I guess I want to restore the balance (though it may be more important to me than them) because they are part of my memories, and in a way my identiy as a teen (however unstable and low some of those times were...) Hmm, I will wait and see, not put myself in the way of danger because as you say it is still close to the bone even though it's been a couple of years now...

Thanks for the interpretation of 51.6 too - I knew it was a transient feeling perhaps instigated by my worries relating to friends (as usual..) I am seeing someone, and I know in theory that my distrust in myself and others is irrational and a subject of my conditioning by certain experiences, but it's hard in the moment to tell yourself good things when you're used to bad... but I am getting there, I think - I was advised a book called 'manage your mind' - might be good because although I know rationally where I'm going wrong in my self evaluation, I can't help but sometimes think I'm the exception..:rolleyes:

Anyway thanks a lot! ;)
 

em ching

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Hi just thought I'd add this quote found in one of Topal's interpretations of 30.4 (reading I got in regards to someone I like)

We may be consumed with worry that events are not working out quickly enough and this spurs us into a flurry of activity, but worry and impatience are our inferior voices. We should not listen to them.

V. good!

:bows:
 

mary f

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I meant they may contact you surprisingly once you are there. I dont know if you are ready, but if not, just take your time Em. You are the one who must be respected in first place. If you still feel hurt, do not contact them. I wouldnt pretend I am O.K. if I were you. To tell you the truth I had a similar situation, then my friends ended up insisting to see me. I agreed but left clear how hurt I was. The whole conversation was excellent because I learnt a different perspective. So did them.
Friends sometimes mean some suffering too, regretfully. It is part of the script.
But be assured this bad feeling will pass. Live one day per day only, with no guilts, no pressure, no evaluations. Yeah, restore the balance seems perfect. But takes a while and we shall not rush. Just think of what I said in my earlier post. Thats what I saw in your readings. Consider psycotherapy (self-help books are not the best option). I tried it due to similar reasons and it was great. If you wish we can talk separately.
Take care.
;)
 

em ching

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Thanks very much - yeah I know what you mean - I rolled my eyes when my counsellor recommended me a book - because it's all very well knowing the theory but it's the emotions (usually irrational by nature) that seem to have the final word! But it can't hurt to read the approaches it recommends, and it also reminds you that low self-esteem is not a you-only affliciton! However you may think you are the only one malfuntioning as a human - signs point that you are not :)

Thanks for sharing your similar experience Mary. I do feel now that I will definitely make no attempt to contact them again, I do not need them at all now, but would like to feel that they are a part of my life again one day, but as you say, I must wait for them, and as I still feel sensitve and hurt about it, probably better later rather than sooner, if they want...

It's so great to be involved in this community (thanks Hillary for allowing me somehwere to vent! (if a little too loudly sometimes) and save my sanity, while being very inspiring and educational about the trickiest day to day, inner grapplings and confusions! As well as broader, universal and philosophical q's.. sheesh :)

I am so grateful to all of you for your wisdom and openness, and sharing similar experiences. No excuses to feel alone!! :)

Thanks :bows:
 

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