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A fragile thing

S

seeker

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my new relationship is a very fragile thing and so I am trying to be very careful about the moves I make. he has had 2 relationships, one engagement and one marriage where the girl left him for someone else. he is afraid he will not be able to love again, though he says he does have feelings for me, the first time he has felt anything since his wife left over a year ago. and he keeps asking me if I love him, sometimes warning me not to because he is afraid he will never be able to feel love again. I have not told him, but the answer to his question is yes. I was not sure if it would help him or not to tell him so I asked yi, what if I tell him I love him? 14.6, seemed very positive, but I have learned to double check things because the most positive answers are so easily misinterpreted. so I also asked how would he react and got 26.3, which would seem to say not to tell him, at least not now. any ideas about the seeming contradiction??? which answer am I misinterpreting, or am I missing some fine nuance?
 

jte

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26.3 describes progressing under difficult circumstances, no? So I *think* the message is that if you tell him you love him he'll try to move forward and cope with the difficulties, knowing that he has your support...

So sounds like you should, but if your gut is telling you not to, that's always something to listen to, too.

Best of luck,

- Jeff
 
S

seeker

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After the conversation I just had with him, it would probably be a really bad idea. I dont even know if I will see him again anytime soon. We had this great night this weekend, I thought we got to a new level, a good understanding of what we wanted. But then last night he cancelled our Valentines plans because he has to go out of town. I was hurt but tried to understand. Then tonight, he was kind of cold. When I brought it up, we got into this long discussion and he basically said he was sorry about all the things he said this weekend, that he does not want this, he is happy with his life being alone. He is fine if we can just get together spontaneously, and wants to continue talking, but does not want to have to commit to anything. Also said it was fine if I see other people, he does not care, and if I decided to stop seeing him, that was fine, although this weekend and last night he said he would be hurt if he suddenly could not see me, that he wanted me in his life, and he was happy when I said I just wanted to see him. Very confused, I asked Yi what is going on with him, why is he doing this and got 8 unchanging??? I don't know what to do now. And I don't know what to believe. I don't know if he was honest this weekend or just got caught up in the moment, and i don't know if he was honest tonight or is just running scared. I don't see how 8 answers the question, but maybe I am just not seeing clearly. I feel like I am right back where I started, the same place I was with Thomas, and I don't know how it happened. This time, this person said he wanted to be with me, even said he was not looking to see anyone else. Anyway, any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks
 

jte

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I suspect he doesn't know what he wants, he's ambivalent because he's been hurt (aren't we all at some time or other). So you're getting double messages.

But that's a short, easy answer. Clearly, figuring out where to go from here for you and him is not a simple thing.

When someone doesn't have a plan, a direction, they easily become part of *someone else's* plan - someone who does have one. And in fact some people go through life (or at least parts of their life) looking for this. But I'm not sure if that's the kind of relationship you want...

- Jeff
 
S

seeker

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Don't know, but apparently Yi thinks its one I should have, at least for now. Asked what if I just take him at his word and I go and see other people? 62.3 someone may come up and strike me. Well, I do like when the answers are clear.

In thinking about it, I realized I might have made a crucial error. He has been saying his heart is cold, and it seemed tonight like he was trying to prove it. But then maybe he was also seeing how far he could push me, how true I was to my word. The other night, though he said he would not see anyone else, he would not say if it would bother him if I did. I finally told him I did not want to see other people, whether or not it would bother him, I was happy with just him.

But then tonight, when he upset me and stated that he did not care if I dated others, I said fine, if there is no potential in this relationship then I will start seeing others for one that is. I realized after I hung up that I broke my word, something I promised I would not do. If what I said the other night was true, what he said tonight should not have changed anything. I asked Yi if I should email him and got 26.2.5. I took line 2 to be a description of my situation and a warning to hold back in direct dealing with him, but line 5 seemed to say I needed to take immediate action to correct this situation. So I emailed him and apologized. I told him that his change in attitude threw me, and that I said a lot of things I did not mean because he hurt my feelings. Told him that I only wanted to see him, and that was what I was going to do. When I have asked Yi how to help him, I have gotten 27. He has been betrayed so many times, that I think he needs to see that not everyone is like that, that there is someone who can be true to him no matter what. Of course, I could be way off and just get my heart broken again, but ah well, at least its familiar territory
happy.gif
Thanks for your input.
 

yellowknife

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Hi Seeker,

Just a quick one to say good luck with everything.
It sounds like you are attracted to wounded men?
Or at least, you respond well to a vulnerable person who would benefit from your help.
Maybe because it makes you feel needed, maybe because you identify with his wounds?

27- nourish him, but don't forget about what nourishes you!
(Though it sounds likely that connection with someone like him does nourish you)

Don't forget to keep looking at you and your needs though, as well as focussing on his, was all I wanted to say.

I'm still exploring myself why and what I get from being attracted to wounded men. Have decided it is as it is for me. Would be great if I could have such strong feelings for someone "stable". But I've decided to accept myself and the way I love.
 

jerryd

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I wish you all the happiness this relationship brings to you Seeker, as a male and seeing you in this light (one who is content to find love in others pain) brings me to fear for your safety and well being, I hope all will turn into pleasure and good fortune very soon. Please do not forget there are really some men who can cope without placeing guilt on others.
 
S

seeker

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I do not think I am attracted to his pain, but maybe a bit to his vulnerability. But mostly I am attracted to his kindness. Even after what she did to him, he does not have one bad thing to say about his ex-wife. And he never gets mad at me. Even when I have misunderstood things he said and gotten mad, he is very patient, talks it through and makes me laugh until I can't stay mad at him. I do identify with his pain though. We were both betrayed by our spouses, though in different ways. I just care so much for him, I want to help him work through this, even if he does not end up with me. Guess only time will tell.
 
S

seeker

Guest
So I asked Yi if he was being honest last night or is just acting out of fear? I got 45.2.5. Line 2 - Make a small offering and yield to the attraction. Line 5 - Secret mistrust will be gradually overcome by steadfastness and devotion to duty.

I think this says he is acting out of mistrust or fear and I just need to continue on, building trust with him. Don't push, give him space when he needs it, but be there for him, show him that not everyone will betray him the way his wife did. Maybe this is a lesson for me too. I am very empathic so tend to know very early on in a relationship whether or not I can have feelings for someone, and then tend to develope what feelings I can very quickly. Then I expect the other person to develope at the same pace, and get disappointed and hurt when they don't, often lashing out because I am hurt. So this relationship may be as much developement for me as it is for him. A lesson in learning to be patient, go with the flow and accept the other persons need to go slow. Will let you know how it goes. Thanks again for all of your comments and support.
 

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