A is Like a Curse I Can't Get Rid of- What to Do? 10.4.6> 60

[marybluesky]

I have talked about A in several threads before: this boy has been my friend & the great love of my life, but we hadn't started any romantic relationship.

I call A a curse because I can't forget him. I tried. I cut the contacts. Through the years, I didn't see him nor talked to him for long periods, and again, every time he contacted me, I got energized & excited instantly, like I was going to meet my love. I couldn't turn down his invitations. I met other people, tried to begin relationships, tried to form friendships, but am still under his spell. Obviously, he's not loyal to me the way I'm to him. On the other hand, I've never gotten enough of his presence, something I craved for so badly.

I know it's not a normal or healthy situation. I know middle aged people who've had this type of fixation on a hardly ever present loved one, and still they don't seem able to free themselves up. It scares me.

I recognize the problem, and want to solve it.
So asked the I Ching: A is like a curse I can't get rid of- what to do? 10.4.6> 60

The 4th line indicates treading on a tiger's tail, and both lines indicate good fortune at the end of a risky situation.
The phrases are clear but I don't know how to apply them in my situation.

I then asked:
Is there any purpose for the strange presence of A in my life? 7.2> 2

The answer really puzzles me: because I'm honored by the king?

Please help me to interpret this.

 

[diamant]

A is like a curse I can't get rid of - what to do? 10.4.6 > 60
What to do so as to achieve what? Your question doesn't specify what you're aiming for.
10.4 shows tiptoeing around someone difficult, feeling afraid, and being very polite and overly apologetic if you say/do the wrong thing.
10.6 examining and rethinking the previous steps taken, then 'his return prime lucky'.
60 shows regularity, something that happens regularly (and also limitations, or even boundaries).
This cast seems to me to be describing the regular scenario of meeting with him, thinking of him while he's away and awaiting his return. Perhaps the curse, as you call it, has repeated so many times that it feels like a part of your life.

Is there any purpose for the strange presence of A in my life? 7.2 > 2
I don't consider the army, or any of its lines, auspicious for a 1-to-1 relationship. The army consists of way too many people. Also the idea of authority and ranks is not exactly an image of mutual love.

 

[becalm]

Hex 7.2>2 - He makes YOU feel like your actually the really special one out of all the women he's met. He knows you'll always be there for him when he contacts you.....so you feel he 'rewards' you for your 'undying love'.

 

[legume]

10 is about respectful conduct, 10.4 advises to ask (the tiger maybe) for what you need and 10.6 to look at the steps taken up to this point and if you've come a full circle then good fortune comes (from the tiger, i guess). when walking the circle you also can't really tell anymore if you're chasing the tiger or if the tiger is chasing you. 60 calls for establishing proper boundaries.

i see 7 as working as a team, this line landed me a job once that i wanted and accepted, but not sure how to read it here. maybe he's at the heart of the army (the bunch of guys mentioned in previous post) and it's not a mistake. as to who's the sovereign / the king here, initially i thought this would be you, as you're asking the question and so are the ruler of the situation, but in my case (re the job) the company was the king and me who accepted three interviews and the offer... maybe he's the king trying to conquer hex 2 - a woman?

 

[marybluesky]

Thanks friends.

@Diamant, I mean how to deal with this curse . I've never been apologetic & overly polite around A. Quite the opposite: I feel very at home. He laughs with my load laughter, loves my jokes, doesn't mind being in my untidy space, helps with house chores, etc.
On the other hand, I don't know if he walks on eggshells around me, but guess he feels more relaxed than normal. A is naturally shy and a bit anxious, though very sociable & popular.

@becalm & @legume, he can be the king in the center of army, yes. Several guys are present in my life, too. Maybe they're not boyfriend material, but can't deny what they offer: companionship & sexual opportunities.

 

[diamant]

@marybluesky I see, so he's the top 'general' at the centre of your 'army'.
You've said the 'curse' scares you, perhaps 10.4 refers to that.

 

[marybluesky]

@diamant so you think I should accept that the curse is there and control it by setting boundaries?

 

[diamant]

I can't comment on if you should accept the curse, as your question/cast didn't include that.
Except if you're asking for my personal opinion, which you're probably guessing already
You crave to be a couple with this man. But he can't offer you that.
I'm hoping you'll meet a much better man soon, to replace him in your heart in the position of 'my love'.

 

[marybluesky]

By accepting the curse I didn't mean accepting the presence of A in my life. Far from it.

I meant seems like there's no way to get rid of it completely in my head, so I had to set boundaries, to control my urges.

 

[Viru10]

10.4 could be begging. Someone cast it I think during this US election for Trump's efforts to overturn the election. On a psychological level I imagined someone who wanted to win so badly because their ego would be shattered without attaining that goal- I think it fit that description. I wonder if Yi is saying this "begging" energy is putting you off your center?

10.6 reminds me of 2.1, in other words whatever he had already been doing in your life, he will likely continue to do that. He may not "change" in the way you want him to or hope he does.

Unrequited experiences can be difficult (and scarring in my experience), so I definitely empathize. Sometimes the other person may know they have a power over you and use it to fill their own void. Usually they do it unconsciously, like a broken pattern they learned from their own families.

Non-Yi advice, maybe the root issue isn't to do with an external 'curse'? Maybe the way you value yourself orients you to seek out this kind of thing? I don't mean that judgmentally, like technically if you cultivate self-value you will slowly interest in people who aren't giving you what you expect. And naturally you will attract the type of person you're looking for.

 

[marybluesky]

@Viru10 of course I use "curse" in a metaphorical sense.

So what's your take of my reading? As I've asked, what should I do?

 

[dfreed]

Unresolved - or un-acted-upon - relationships often exert a strong (and strange) control over us. In part I think this is because, being untested and in many ways unknown, we can pile all sorts of 'stuff' onto another person: that they are the most kind, compassionate mate you would could ever hope to have, that they are great in the sack ... that they will save us from all that is hurting or threatening us .... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera ....

Here the Yi is offering:

​

10.4 - Stepping on a tigers tail. Petrified with fear. (Ultimately auspicious). ​

​

10.6 - Look(ing) before stepping. Discerning the omens. (Most auspicious).​

This suggest to me that the real issue here is fear - your fear. And that because of this fear, you'd rather live with this cursed fantasy - this albatross around your neck - than to actually explore the possibilities of what a real relationship would be like with this person.

And suppose you do, in fact, decide to act - to see 'what's what' with this person? That doesn't mean you go in with your eyes shut, but instead you go in knowing - as best you can - who and what you and this person are - that you look before stepping and discern (pay attention to) what you already know to be true. But regardless, you do 'step'.

Looking at the trigrams and their changes, with 10.4.6:

​

Lower trigram Lake: is describing you; that this is all about you feeling good, either in the relationship, or just feeling good living with a fantasy about this guy (a.k.a 'the curse').​

​

Upper trigram Heaven: have you made this person out to be something more than he is - maybe making him kingly, or even god-like - or at least giving him those powers over you. (And if I did this, I too would be very afraid of this person and the power I've given them.)​

The suggested solution is that you 'go with the flow' (Water, the upper trigram of Hex. 60) - that you jump in the river and follow (and follow through with) your emotions towards this guy.

And ... what would happen if you do?

Maybe you'll wake up and think, "the sex wasn't that good, he's a lazy unemployed bump, and I really don't want to have anything more to do with him!' Or, 'he truly is the love of my life, and now we can actually start a real relationship together (but still, he's going to need a few lessons in the sex department)!' Or ....

... there are endless possibilities here, but at least they are real .... And then begins the real work: what real Boundaries (Hatcher's 60) do you need to create?; or in what ways do you fit/create a Juncture - a meeting place (Rutt's 60) between each other?

I hope that's of some use.

Kindly, D

 

[marybluesky]

@dfreed your answer really resonates with me. I indeed need to break the "loop" that's been going on for years. And yes, our mind can dcieve us with a deformed version of reality.

I see why you consider the "fear" as the main reason for my fixation: A has a safe, high place in my fantasies as the perfect depiction of love, and I've been afraid of breaking this mental image on an unconscious level: what if I learn he's not what I've imagined? Then what happens to the love? How scary! Then what's the worth of this loveless life without any legendary hero?

You're so to the point! Thanks very much.

 

[marybluesky]

UPDATE:

He messaged me last week and I didn't reply, nor I was affected emotionally.

Some 10 days before posting this thread, I had confessed my feelings for him & he'd accepted to be in a relationship with me, but soon backed away. I guess I finally tread on the tiger's tale after years. When I posted here, I was love sick. It lasted for less than two months, then faded away.

Apparently the spell is broken: "Thrill is gone, I'm free, free, free, now" as they say.

Now he sounds like an acquaintance, not even a friend, one of those people who message you occasionally without triggering much feeling. He has no special place in my heart anymore, and I feel completely ready to fall in love again; something I couldn't believe will happen a few months ago.

 

[marybluesky]

Two years have past. Now I can say you that the break of this "spell" not only broke me free from "A", but cured my disease of "obsession with the object of desire".

I used to be overly imaginative. All happened in my head. And often, the "loved-one" was a guy I couldn't be with for some reason.

Now it's different. If the guy is unavailable, I may take a look at him and think: "He's so hot!", then keep on doing my thing. If he's available, I socialize and see where it leads. No idolization. No otherworldly imagination.

Everything is mundane in this world. Being with "A" made me realize that.