A turning point - Hexagram 18.2.3.6 to 2

[veronica]

Hi guys, I have not posted for a while as I have gone into seclusion for a few months due to an apparent inability to improve things in my life and to move forward.

Some of you may remember that for 2 years now since my split from the father of my son I have been trying to move on and provide stability and peace for me and my son, a process effectively interfered with by my ex partner's obsessive refusal to let me go, by my own insecurities and feelings of guilt and worry about my son. It feels like I have arrived at this point of time on all fours, exhausted by fear and stress. This has got to be the turning point as it surely cannot carry on any longer.

Although I have made attempts in the past to move on (eg. moved out of the town where my ex lives to a place 2 hours drive away) I only found that the same nightmare has been moved with me. My ex still continued to apply pressure for us to get back together, becoming agressive and abusive every time I refused to consider reconciliation. I have considered a restraining order in the past but never carried it through as I thought we will be able to build a relationship as parents and friends for the sake of our son. I am going to see a lawyer tomorrow to get advice regarding legalising my ex's contact details with my son and to discuss the restraining order if necessary. Because this process has been going on for so long I have become very overprotective of my little boy and am now very anxious to let him stay overnight with his dad (line 2 describes this quite nicely?) due to my ex's outbursts of bullying and verbal abuse in the past.

I have cast this hexagram to try and find an answer regarding the best course of action right now, i.e. a drastic action like a restraining order to stop my ex controlling my life or more of a softly approach i.e. trying to get on with him and see if we can come up with an agreement for his contact with Oli (my ex wants 50-50 custody where I just want him to have contact rights i.e. take Oli away at alternative weekends)

I am not sure what the advice really is here... Can you please help? Hexagram 18 describes the current situation quite clearly I think but I am not sure what the overall advice really is (this may have something to do with the level of anxiety I am under right now)....

I am awaiting your responses...

 

[lucia]

I think it is advising softly softly as you put it....

18 is about actively working on what is spoiled in the context 2 of acceptance and I guess motherhood. It takes time..

18.2 talks about how you have to both not be too harsh but also not going on as before. Hilary talks about responding but not reacting. I think in many ways this reflects how you feel - exhausted and afraid and stressed with it all and yet you know as a wise and responsible mum that you have to find a solution.

18.3 implies that you are keen to get it all sorted and maybe you feel a little bad about how you have approached some of this stuff but there is no blame and you are trying to do your best. You need to be very clear about what you want and and stick to that but at the same time keep in mind that you have to include the father for the sake of your son. I think a good lawyer may help without going the whole hog of a restraining order at this point.

18.6 is about serving a higher cause - I've always seen it as vocational - and I guess your vocation is motherhood and the needs of your son. Also if you can get this sorted eventually your own life will open up.

You don't have to accept bullying and fear and yet in some way you have to find a way to get past this. Very hard for you. It so often seems like being a mother means being the 'strong' one no?

Can you get a mediator involved? Someone to help you negotiate. The lawyer is a good place to start but be careful who you choose. I have a feeling that if you go for a restraining order it may fire things up even more. But don't be alone with this. Fear and intimidation will reflect back on your son and you need to go forward with this not get trapped in continual cycles. Have you tried searching for an organisation that could help? What about calling Gingerbread or someone else and asking if they know anyone?

Can you get a friend to take your son or collect him to and from the Dad's visits? Just ideas because I know how hard it is to break these reactionary cycles and it sounds like your ex can't break them by himself and maybe you guys need a break from it all without cutting out the Dad's time with his son.

Good luck with it all

Lucia

 

[my_key]

HI veronica
It's interesting that all the yang lines of this hex are on the change. Action becomes inaction. Everything is how it should be - accepting this may help you.
Suggesting changing at the level in the way we walk our life, the way we evaluate things and the way we relate to the spiritual. This hexagram represents in some way an abandoning of the false and returning to the true. Perhaps there is a 'falseness' that you need to examine at each of these levels in the situation that will take you to a place of being more receptive to what is going on.
There is no doubt this is big, old and ugly stuff for you to face, but remember that this hexagram is telling you that where the solutions are more likely to lay is inside rather than outside of you. It could be saying trust yourself to find the solutions that you need.

Be Well
Mike

 

[veronica]

Thank you so much for your imput so far guys, I am struggling a bit with the concept of "abandoning of the false and returning to the true"... Have been thinking hard about it today... Cannot think about anything other than the false way I relate to my ex, for the sake of keeping peace and my son close to me I keep the boundaries quite fluid between me and Paul and this can easily be taken advantage of by him... I am also really struggling with the concept of my little boy having to spend some weekends away from home.. I always wanted to create a warm and safe environment for him. Generally a lot of guilt I need to get through...

Many thanks Lucia for your imput, a great clarification for me, especially the changing lines, I really struggled with them!