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About helping a friend..

angeleyes

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Hello all!

I'm trying to find the best way to help out a really close friend and i could use all the insight i can get..So, here's some background information:

X and I have been close friends for so long that she's more like family to me now and this goes both ways. I often introduce her as my "sister" :). She's been going through hard times in her marriage for the last couple of months now and I try to support and be there for her in every possible way. I don't want to go into details about someone else's problems here..The point is she's been betrayed and dissapointed by the man she always regarded as her "soulmate"..What scares me most is that her reaction to this whole situation is somewhat passive. Always there, always waiting for him to decide, putting her own needs aside, unwilling to recognize the damadge that's been done. I feel like she's in denial, which is only natural after this kind of a shock!

I've been trying to help by reminding her of the reality she seems to want to ignore. I feel protective towards her ( I know i can get like that with my friends) and sometimes i worry that maybe i am coming on too strong. On the other hand, when i choose to be softer, i feel like i'm not really hepling because i am only telling her what she wants to hear... It hurts to see her like this and i am trying to find the approach that will help her grow and take charge of her life, without sounding too cruel. She does listen to me and i don't want to influence her into a way of action that is not her own. I know how judgmental friends may sound at times..

(I could write a book about this so i forced myself to stop now and get to the questions :p )

Here's my conversation with the Yi:

1."What should my attitude be towards X?"
13.4>37

I smiled when i saw this. 13 describes our bond. And 37? I alredy told you she's my "sister"! I suppose in the context of my question that would mean that i need to be supportive, loving and caring. A true friend helping a friend in need. Right now i am kind of a family member i suppose since her actual family doesn't know anything yet..Line 4 probably suggests that i shouldn't be too forceful in my approach ..Maybe i shouldn't try to break down her "walls" right now...Overall, 13 to 37 leaves a sweet taste i guess.

Next:

2."What is the best advice I can give her right now?"
49.2.3.4>60

It is true that what she's going through seems to be a 49 experience. She's totally scared of it however and the pain that comes with it. My feeling is that it is a process she needs to go through so that when she comes out of it she will be a whole new person, stronger and more beautiful than she can imagine, but how do you tell that to someone who's in such anguish and pain? One thing in common in the changing lines is "timing". Should i wait for the right time, when she's ready to listen? And 60 i always associate it with boundaries. I've often used this word when we talk, encouraging her to set boundaries and protect herself in the sense of not letting her husband take advantage of her vulnerability..

Once again a long post!! :p
I would love to read your suggestions. I am so overwelmed by this whole thing that i really need a fresh perspective..

Love
A.:bows:
 

Lavalamp

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"What should my attitude be towards X?"
13.4
You should consider they are trying to reconcile their situation, in their own timing. And that there are two sides to the situation, and so they cannot attack each other anyway.
>37
That this man is a husband to her, and this is a marriage to her.

2."What is the best advice I can give her right now?"
49.2
Have as open minded an attitude as you wish her to have, and be ready to support whatever she decides she wants to do.
49.3
Don't push her to act or interfere in the relationship. Which ever way she decides she goes, let her know she has your support and you believe in her.
49.4
She needs to know her decisions were her own, freely made, otherwise whatever changes she does decide to institute might not solve anything.
>60
Limit offering your advice.
 

angeleyes

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Thank you Lavalamp!

What you wrote regarding both of the questions are thoughts i've been having about the situation this whole time.. I like your interpration and i can see where it comes from. I suppose i should try to remain calm and restrain my urge to run for help..

Hex 60 in the sense of limiting my advice sounds reasonable. The point is though i feel like she's drowning and i know how she can be saved but must let her find out on her own..Distancing myself is not easy. We're together everyday, I'm the only person she confides in and she constantly asks for my help and advice. I've already told her that i will be there whatever her decision might be and i have never interfered in the relationship, even though there have been times when i thought she might want me too (i know both of them since forever..).

The reason i asked "what is the best advice i can give" is because i can't refrain from it at the moment..If 49>60 was indeed an advice to her, what would that be??

Thanks again.Just sharing my thoughts here in case you think there's another perpective , although i must admit your first one did hit some sensitive spots..

:bows:
 

angeleyes

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Somewhere in the Yi we are advised that if we help others too much, we damage them. We can always support our friends without telling them they should do it "our way."

What advice should I offer?
40.1
"Don't blame yourself."
40.4
"You don't have to justify yourself or your choices to me or anyone else. Real friends trust each other."
40.5
"If you want him to trust you, you will have to trust him as well. If you can't let him go if he needs time, you won't be able to keep him, you'll lose him anyway."
>60
LIMIT YOUR ADVICE. That's twice now!

Clearly the YI thinks you should stay out of the Advice Column business here, this is really something your friend should deal with, needs to deal with, will regret not dealing with herself.

I think there's a misunderstanding here!:) Never got 40>60..I was refering to the same reading (49>60)..But still, i know what you mean and trust me this is all an inner process i haven't pushed or interfered in any way..I was just wondering..It's not easy to say " I can't help you here, you must work this out alone", especially when you're asked to help..Really though..i hear you ;)!!
 

Lavalamp

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Well I always read the lines, but if you want to read 49 as a hex in this situation it talks about the Superior Person being believed on her own day. So that sounds like you might advise her that you believe in her, however she decides to "set the calendar in order and make the seasons clear."

60 of course you should limit your advice, but if there is danger that's probably a "galling limitation"you would want to limit limiting.
 

angeleyes

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Funny how it sounds pretty similar in it's advice though.

They do sound similar, don't they? I thought it was a typo until i read your whole post :)

I was thinking..Funny how sometimes the Yi tells you what you already know deep down, even when you might wish for something different..What can i say...:bows:
 

Lavalamp

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They do sound similar, don't they? I thought it was a typo until i read your whole post :)

I was thinking..Funny how sometimes the Yi tells you what you already know deep down, even when you might wish for something different..What can i say...:bows:

Well in both cases, the lines being read led to Hex 60, Limitations. So maybe where the destination is on both threads has a very connected pathway to the other two hexes lines that take you there... Gotta be a better way to say it though.
:bows:
 

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