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Am I doing the right thing? Hex 30.6 to 55

dancingfox

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This question revolves about my relationship with my mother. She used to be in a co-dependent relationship for 30 years. Until last year when a tragic car accident ended the life of my stepdad, my mom survived the accident but with severe physical and mental trauma. Before the accident I was in the slow and painful process of giving up on my mom because of her toxic relationship with my stepdad. Since his passing away I started hoping again, for new beginnings.

In the year that has passed since the accident I have been there for my mom for 200%, she became the focal point of my life. I am realizing that this isn't always a good thing. She has a dependent personality and I am starting to feel like instead of helping her I am reinforcing her in her dependency of others. She leans quite heavily on me for all thing great or small and demands a lot of my time. All I wish for her is to be able to accept her new life and embrace her newfound independence. She can't do that if she keeps leaning on me like this. I need a healthy mother-daughter relationship.

I am trying to create some distance between me and my mom but it's been difficult. I needed to take a dramatic action in order to make my intentions clear to her. Some people close to the both of us seem to expect from me to continue being her fulltime caretaker. I believe it's time for her to start taking her life back into her own hands. I feel judged and misunderstood because of my recent actions towards distancing myself from my mom. I feel hurt.

My question for Yi is: Am I doing the right thing?
Hex 30.5 to 55: I think the reading says there is room for new beginnings, and my recent action (creating distance) is the first step towards that new beginning?

I might be biased. Other insight would be, as always, much appreciated.
:bows:
 
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diamanda

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I'm afraid that, much as you need it, a healthy relationship can't be achieved with a person who is not healthy. You said your mother has a dependent personality, plus now she has severe physical and mental trauma.

30 can symbolise independence, looking after oneself (using what fuel, or cow, we can find to sustain ourselves). However in your answer, the 6th line (far removed from the idea of the hexagram) is changing. The line speaks of the need to let the "king" take care of this matter, drastically, and he'll succeed in doing that. The king usually shows an official, a person of authority.

I believe the answer is telling you that what you need to do in this situation is to make sure that the authorities (a doctor?) will deal with your mum's case. She can't look after herself, and as you said it's too much for you to be her full time caretaker. Is she entitled to state/government help? Or can you think of any other authorities who could help?
 

dancingfox

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I have been thinking the same thing Diamanda, professional help really is needed. I took the king in the lines for decisive action from my part, didn't even consider to interpret the king as an external force or authority. So thank you for sharing your insights :)

My mom takes very good care of herself in daily matters, her house is clean and the bills are paid and so on, she takes good care of herself physically. It's her mental state I worry about. She is in huge denial about her past, romanticizing her relationship with my stepdad. She always looked up to him in life and in death I'm afraid he is just one step away from 'the holy marter' to her. This is what kills me and the reason I am taking my distance from her for the moment. I can't partake in the lies she chooses to surround herself with.

I just feel like I am faling as a daughter and a decent person by choosing to distance myself from her. It isn't rational, because rationally I believe my current action is for the best. It is a deep sense of blind vertical loyalty that is haunting me.
 
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diamanda

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Glad to hear she can take care of herself physically! I see what you mean about her mental state though.

I believe that what is haunting you is that deep down you know that your action (distancing yourself) will not do the trick and wake her up. It sounds to me like your instincts are already telling you that this is not the way to go, if you want her to get better.

The answer you got is very promising - she will most probably get better with professional help. Especially because as you say she looks up to authority figures. If a "king" (doctor) takes up her case, they will succeed. They will take drastic action which will work. They will cure her main problem - not all her problems, but the main one for sure. Psychiatrist perhaps? Because a psychologist would take years to get results, if any at all ever.
 

dancingfox

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You were right Diamanda, me distancing myself isn't doing the trick at all. From what I gather from a phone-call with my sister my mom is doing what she does best, playing the role of the victim and in doing so she tries to turn me into the evil witch. My sister wants to remain neutral, so I will try to involve her as little as possible. My mom isn't shying away from involving other family-members into this mess.

I asked Yi: what do I need to know about my mom. Hex 6.5 changing to 64
Conflict changing to Before Completion.

I still think this conflict is needed in order to lead to a new beginning (64= transition) leading to a deeper awareness for my mom. Line 5 speaks of a mediator. Alas to bring in a specialist like psychologist or a psychiatrist my mom would have to consent and we are on on-speaking terms. Hm :brickwall:
 

dancingfox

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You were right Diamanda, me distancing myself isn't doing the trick at all. From what I gather from a phone-call with my sister my mom is doing what she does best, playing the role of the victim and in doing so she tries to turn me into the evil witch. My sister wants to remain neutral, so I will try to involve her as little as possible. My mom isn't shying away from involving other family-members into this mess.

I asked Yi: what do I need to know about my mom. Hex 6.5 changing to 64
Conflict changing to Before Completion.

I still think this conflict is needed in order to lead to a new beginning (64= transition) leading to a deeper awareness for my mom. Line 5 speaks of a mediator. Alas to bring in a specialist like psychologist or a psychiatrist my mom would have to consent and we are on on-speaking terms. Hm :brickwall:
Well I got this exact same reading today for entirely different question. But about this one 4 years later: my mom went through a dark period but she has been gaining her independency slowly. The people in authority were her sisters en brothers, we have a large family. Most of them still live in the village my mom grew up in. In 2017 she moves back to that village and with a lot of love and care from her family she regained her identity and is slowly building up her own life. We are working on our relationship as well, a lot of negativity between us is being resolved. A happy ending to a very dark story <3
 

ronbracale

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I view the I Ching in a basic elemental manner.

The situation is clinging like fire which consumes and will leave you without fuel for energy. Fire does not have the ability to stop itself and will exhaust anything it can cling to.

The change is then the upper trigram (the external situation) from Fire to Thunder. Thunder and Lightning are sudden changes. You have made a sudden change, so I intuit that you must have your own space and your energy must be able to become full. If you get totally drained you will have no loving help to give.

IMO: Take the very essential requirements to assist her and leave what she can handle to her and have your life.
 

dancingfox

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Hi Ron

I posted this thread in 2016 en updated it yesterday. Your advice would have been useful back then.

I did take a step back and allowed my moms sisters and brother to take it from there (check the complete thread for the whole story). She relied heavily on me mentally and emotionally. It was to much for me to bear and quite honestly it was not my burden to carry.

I like your reading, it was dead on. I did feel drained and I had to make a sudden change in order to take care of myself. I was in the last tethers of a longterm relationship and quite suddenly left my ex to go live with my dad. I needed space from my mom and my ex. It was difficult to maintain distance but in the end it was better for all parties involved.
 

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