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Analysis of relationship and its decline

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flipflops

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What was his part in the relationship’s decline?
32.2.3 to 16
I think line 2 refers to his living from moment to moment.. without nostalgic ties - I sense I helped him get over his divorce (in some small way).. which he lied to me about how long it had been since.. he said on our first meeting he’d been divorced 2 years and to my friends partner told him it had been 6 months.. there were many small discrepancies actually.. which I registered somewhere but chose to ignore.. I think I helped him to not have time for regret..
line 3
he was on the look out for the next best thing? making a habit of untying obligations and wanted to keep his options open?

Goodness only knows where 16 fits in? I guess initially maybe he was really enthusiastic!

What was my part in the relationships decline?
7 UC
I was on a mission and had a goal - whether that was to have a child or have a relationship? I certainly wanted to achieve something and that single mindedness may have come at the cost of going with the flow a bit more and letting love emerge?

Yi - how do you see the relationship I shared with x?
43.2.3 to 17
line 2
too intensely focussed causing confusion and uncertainty??
line 3
hmm I don’t know… it started very honestly which was great and then became perhaps too polite somehow - too rigid which stifled connection and then I decided to spill it all out!! and met with the rain… which is where I am?

17
now this is interesting because it mentions crossroads and I had a powerful dream on one of the last nights that he stayed over - I have been recording my dreams on a dictaphone for years and years and since I’ve been with him I’ve been telling him in the morning rather than on my recorder.. I was on a train on my own - at the back of the train and it was a runaway train going far too fast.. it was out of control and I found the piece of machinery (still at the back of the train) that showed the rev counter and speed and it was going far too fast and I saw the fuel was running out and panicked because I thought if this train suddenly runs out of fuel at this speed there will be a big problem! and I ran to the front of the train and found the handle break and pulled it to a stop…

It stopped at a cross roads on the tracks.. and there was a man - a train official siting at the cross roads looking kind of slumped and unenthusiastic and I asked him if he knew how I could refuel the train… he said he did.. that he had "refuelled lots of trains.." and it was said in a kind of slow lurid tone.. and then he said the people over the road at the pub knew him well.. and that was said in a threatening kind of yucky way and then I noticed that he had yellow hands and was holding a can of special brew (!).. and he was about to get up and come over and I realised I needed to get away.. and moved the brake into acceleration - which went unnervingly slowly but then picked up just enough speed to leave the crossroads..

Anyway - I was telling my man at the time this dream and he said: "that’s your relationship.." which I thought was weird because he was my relationship.. and I said "no please don’t say that! because he was not a very nice man at all.."

and we let it go.. and then awkwardly he said a few minutes later.. "it wasn’t your relationship…" but it stayed with me.. it was a weird thing.
 
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canislulu

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I am wondering if he saw himself as being the man in the dream. You mention that in the relationship you were "on a mission with a goal". The image of being on a runaway train of your own, going too fast could be seen as an image of being "on a mission with a goal". Maybe that is what he meant when he said, "That's your relationship." Could he have felt you were on a runaway train unwilling to stop at the crossroads? Perhaps he was unenthusiastic about your "mission and goal" and yet was willing to "fuel your train" for other reasons. Perhaps he felt it would be shameful for him to persist in the relation without sharing your mission and goal.
 
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diamanda

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Some details that stand out to me:

What was his part in the relationship’s decline?
32.2.3 to 16

About 16, I'd say 'deceit' / 'make believe' / 'illusion' is a more accurate interpretation here.
The drunk train official holding a can of special brew in your dream is a stunning analogy. Of course your guy knew he was being deceitful to you, hence he immediately understood your dream. 32.2 and 32.3 I think you got it there, he knew what he was doing (no regrets), and he was being unstable with all options open.

What was my part in the relationships decline?
7 UC

You took the lead. Perhaps the relationship would have continued if you were the doormat type, who stays conveniently in the background without many demands.
It may also well mean that you had a goal and mission (to find love, and have a child). However, you were honest from the beginning about it. If he was similarly inclined then love would be more easy to flow and emerge. But obviously his goals didn't include love or a child.

Yi - how to you see the relationship I shared with x?
43.2.3 to 17

43.2 - you said you did hear some subconscious alarm bells, but chose to ignore them.
43.3 - not sure if the rain describes where you are now - it sounds more like a metaphor for the relationship having been very focused on the physical/sexual side. "Strong words bring misfortune, very decisive, getting hurt" - this also sounds like describing what happened (speaking your mind had bad results - I believe this ties up with 7, you taking the lead didn't work).
17 also shows 'to be continued'. So I guess despite alarm bells, and despite signs of hurt, you continued the relationship with x.

Flipflops, please be patient with yourself. We can't control being in love, but we can control how we act, and I believe you're doing the right things to get over this.
 

radiofreewill

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"What was his part in the relationship's decline?"
32.2.3 to 16 ~ "To consistently enjoy a meal and bedtime with a motivated you."

"What was my part in the relationship's decline?"
7uc ~ "Marching with a purpose towards a goal, but without the troops joining you."

"How does the Yi see the relationship I shared with x?"
43.2.3 to 17 ~ "Eliminate misperceptions to follow the Way"

So, I hear the Yi advising you to hit the 'pause' button, for the moment...to ask yourself the honest question:

"If I was capable of distorting a lightly invested, opportunistic man into the role of 'fathering partner' ~ then are my expectations about the impact of a baby on my life well grounded, or not ~ am I 'seeing' what I want to see here?"

I think you're at a great place to read the "Untethered Soul" ~ it does a superb job of explaining how we create the emotional mindspace that we unconsciously assume is more real than the manifest world we actually live in ~ and gives one simple exercise to bring it all back into alignment.

After meditating to gain Clarity ~ which you are already doing in threads like this one ~ then you can press the 'play' button, again, this time with the added dance track of the Way ~ which may or may not take you through babyland ~ but at least you'll be moving forward with clear eyes and a steady heart.

And, in my experience, the Way responds with abundance for all sincere seekers...

all best, flipflops!
 
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flipflops

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Thank you all so much for taking the time to reflect on my questions!

Jumpingmouse: yes I guess I was on a mission with a goal - at the least I wanted the relationship to find some structure.. yes maybe my mission and my goal were going too fast.. it is a strange thing the biological clock.. and I think there was something about having chosen the relationship over the route to motherhood that to then find myself on my own on the train.. I'd given one up in place of.. what in the end felt lonely and less and less meaningful and I was running out of fuel.. with the relationship and with the hope of motherhood..?

It could have been what he meant - me being unwilling to stop.. maybe - and I think to give him the benefit of the doubt he said to me after I had been very clear and honest (confrontational really!) about my real feelings - that he had realised how very unfair this situation was to me - with him having his life his children and so little to offer me.. that I deserved more.

thank you for your insights..
 
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flipflops

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Hi Diamanda! Thank you!

32.2.3 to 16
deceit, make-believe, illusion.. I think you're right - he did know he was being deceitful to me..which is the really hurtful thing - he said so many times he recognised how kind and forgiving I was - almost like I was prey somehow - a shocking realisation which i think is true.. and you're right - he didn't pause for breath in those early subconscious minutes of waking and interpreting my dream - he immediately understood the dream. Yup all his options open..

it's all about trusting instincts isn't it..? There were a few things on reflection (alarm bells as you mention for Yi's interpretation) that I had a physical response to - felt they were 'off' immediately and now I'm piecing them together.. I'm going to work really hard to trust those instincts in the moment in the future and not collude with myself..

7 UC
Yes - for most of the relationship I didn't take the lead and as soon as I did it declined.. absolutely spot on.. I had been very accepting of the fact he was always busy - I thought it was honourable that he was spending so much time with his children.. who on reflection are teenagers - 15 and 17 and he spent every weekend and 5/6 days at a time (now I think about in what would have been term time!) I can't now imagine quite why boys of this age would want to hang out 24 hours a day with their dad over those periods - and not be with their friends etc.. yes it was fine as long as I was a doormat! I knew his goals hadn't included a child as he did - after some time - make that sort of clear (whilst still being ambiguous enough to keep me hopeful/invested) but he had very much given me the impression it was for the long haul.. places we could live.. trips we could take.. looking at homes on rightmove.. thinking about our preferred country to live in and I think it was a fantasy on his part..

Yi's impression:
43.2.3 to 17
I chose to ignore the alarm bells! That is totally right!!!
yes me taking the lead didn't work - though if I hadn't done so at some point by vocalising my position and feelings the sense of confinement would have been overbearing..
17
yes maybe that I continued despite alarm bells or maybe that there will be a further development.. I don't know if there will now..

Thank you - I am being patient with myself :) I cannot quite express what a fabulous support this forum has been.. all your words and care and time have made a week that would otherwise have been really tough feel much less so and it is this (words, care and time) that I was missing from the relationship.. so it's a rather beautiful gift of lost symmetry :) from the original first reading i posted - perhaps this mirrors the rain lessening regrets.. - I have been shown what support human relationships can offer us - even from those we don't really know.. which is a renewal of trust.
 
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flipflops

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Dear Radiofreewill,

Wow - so succint - I love it!

And what a fantastic question for me to reflect deeply on.. I have just downloaded the audio book The Untethered Soul and am going for a long walk to listen to it..

Have a wonderful day!
 

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