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argument with a friend

redoleander

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I have a friend who is pretty difficult. She has problems with a lot of people and doesn’t handle her emotions that well. I like her though and I respect her. I have managed to have a good relationship with her in spite of this.

Yesterday I shared a post on Instagram and she got angry at me for sharing it because she has heard bad things about the person who wrote it. She didn’t like me sharing something from that person’s account. Neither of us know this individual personally! But apparently some people in the community have grievances against them.

I was very open to talking to my friend about it but anything I said or contributed or asked about, she was not open to. It was obvious that the only thing she would be satisfied with was for me to adopt her same opinion. This bothered me! I don’t like the assumption that I have to think whatever someone else wants me to. Even if it’s a sensitive topic.

I asked first how I should handle the situation and received 13.4 > 37

I asked for a next action to take and got 52UC so I did nothing at first.

Today I asked “What is the best way to resolve peacefully with her” and received 23.2.4 > 64

The last casting is pretty concerning! We have always spoken peacefully prior to this and even during the conversation (over text) I simply said I needed to step away. So, nothing terrible was said (yet). But I do have a lot of anxiety about contacting her.

I took 13.4 to mean that I shouldn’t attack her but I also shouldn’t grovel just because she thinks she’s right. I am entitled to my own ethics, for example (as is she). It also could even mean that I need to be strategic and protect myself from her (she’s gossipy). 23.2.4 surprised me because it almost seems like it can’t be peacefully resolved. Stripping the bed and stripping the flesh - yikes! Wing’s commentary on 23.2 includes “Do not take a self-righteous position or you could be badly hurt.”

I wonder if it’s saying not to dive back into the topic but maybe instead to just say something like, “I know we didn’t get to fully communicate about this or resolve it but I don’t want to trigger either of us and am curious if you’re ok with just dropping it unless it comes up again”. Versus resuming the topic? I’m honestly not sure. I feel anxious not addressing it since I am the one who asked for a break from the conversation but I also don’t want to make it worse.
 
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redoleander

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As a follow up I asked “what if I send her a message saying I’m thinking things over and just want to let her know that’s why I haven’t contacted her back” to kind of deescalate. Received 9.1 > 57
 
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becalm

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As a follow up I asked “what if I send her a message saying I’m thinking things over and just want to let her know that’s why I haven’t contacted her back” to kind of deescalate. Received 9.1 > 57
What will happen is you'll get the blame and it's not your fault. A lot of time the one that prefers things to be harmonious shoulders the blame etc. because we think it's better/easier but the truth is if you do it one time it's a pattern you set up with you and the other person.
 

redoleander

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Is that what you think “returning to my own path” is? Like just not intervening or trying to control it? I’m so torn because I would love to leave it in a better place but I guess that’s not looking great.
 
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becalm

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Is that what you think “returning to my own path” is? Like just not intervening or trying to control it? I’m so torn because I would love to leave it in a better place but I guess that’s not looking great.
Yes. Because your trying to work out what to do through you emotional reaction and not your response from self.
 
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diamant

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My conclusion from your readings is, just pretend it never happened, don't even bring it up.
 

marybluesky

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Hello,

looking at all your readings, a theme comes to my mind: stick to your boundaries, let it be, do nothing about the friendship & live your life.
 

angelatlantis14

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HI Redoleander,

I guess this is a sitaution that most people have encountered in somw way or other in their life...and so the answers reflect the experiences that people have made with resolving it.
I was tempted to do just that, answer with "well, you should absolutely do X..." based on how it turned out for me.
But then I reconsidered, and actually looked closer to your readings :)

So here go my thoughts:

13. 4 --> 37 is on the surface about company with other people. However, it is clearly stated that this is not about intimate, personal friendship, but rather about a more overarching theme of whether this sort of companionship is to the greater good. So there might be a moment for you to reflect, is this friendship for the greater good (can even be the greater good inside yourself, i.e. is this friendship worth your efforts, does it enhance you in some way?)
The inner trigram hex 14 is fire, or clarity. Clarity is needed here, before proceeding.
Line 4 goes in the same direction: "He climbs up on his wall; he cannot attack. Good fortune."

Being on the alert, having a bigger view from the top of the wall is obviously of advantage.

So your initial reaction of withdrawing and not acting seems to be the right way to go.
The changing hex 37 to me is also about quiet but firm behaviour.
One of the main themes for Hex 37 is to me always "like on the inside, so on the outside" again asking ou to examine what is going on the inside of this friendship. Is your friends behavior symptomatic of other issues in your friendship? Do these issues need to be addressed first? 37 too has fire/clarity inside...

Not going into the follow-up queries in detail, but 23 2.4. -> 64 does to me say that currently no peaceful resolution is possible, the estangement is too wide. There is hope for the future, but just not now.

9.1 -> 57 also seems to point to the fact that right now a release of the tension is not possible, and only small steps should be taken.

On an entirely personal note, without any backup of a reading at all :) , I don't think that you should do anything at this moment - your friend was the one who initiated the rift, and was not open to your attempts to address the situation. So she is not entitled to any follow-up action on your part, she is the one who needs to get things rolling again, if she is interested in that.

best wishes

angelatlantis14
 

rosada

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How should I handle the situation?
13.4 - 37. Act with the awareness that while you would like to be closer friends,
You're not sure if you can trust her.

What action to take?
52. Keep still.

How to resolve things peacefully?
23.2.4 - 64. Split apart completely before deciding whether to reconnect.

What if you write to her saying you are thinking things over.
9.1 - 57. You have already been told to Keep Still so I think these hexagrams are telling you to go your own way, move on.
 
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ZeroPoint

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HI Redoleander,

I guess this is a sitaution that most people have encountered in somw way or other in their life...and so the answers reflect the experiences that people have made with resolving it.
I was tempted to do just that, answer with "well, you should absolutely do X..." based on how it turned out for me.
But then I reconsidered, and actually looked closer to your readings :)

So here go my thoughts:

13. 4 --> 37 is on the surface about company with other people. However, it is clearly stated that this is not about intimate, personal friendship, but rather about a more overarching theme of whether this sort of companionship is to the greater good. So there might be a moment for you to reflect, is this friendship for the greater good (can even be the greater good inside yourself, i.e. is this friendship worth your efforts, does it enhance you in some way?)
The inner trigram hex 14 is fire, or clarity. Clarity is needed here, before proceeding.
Line 4 goes in the same direction: "He climbs up on his wall; he cannot attack. Good fortune."

Being on the alert, having a bigger view from the top of the wall is obviously of advantage.

So your initial reaction of withdrawing and not acting seems to be the right way to go.
The changing hex 37 to me is also about quiet but firm behaviour.
One of the main themes for Hex 37 is to me always "like on the inside, so on the outside" again asking ou to examine what is going on the inside of this friendship. Is your friends behavior symptomatic of other issues in your friendship? Do these issues need to be addressed first? 37 too has fire/clarity inside...

Not going into the follow-up queries in detail, but 23 2.4. -> 64 does to me say that currently no peaceful resolution is possible, the estangement is too wide. There is hope for the future, but just not now.

9.1 -> 57 also seems to point to the fact that right now a release of the tension is not possible, and only small steps should be taken.

On an entirely personal note, without any backup of a reading at all :) , I don't think that you should do anything at this moment - your friend was the one who initiated the rift, and was not open to your attempts to address the situation. So she is not entitled to any follow-up action on your part, she is the one who needs to get things rolling again, if she is interested in that.

best wishes

angelatlantis14
I like this approach very much. This is very much about boundaries. The questions that came to my mind are these:

1. What is the purpose of this relationship for her?

2. What is the purpose of the disagreement? Why?

3. What will be so if you abandon the integrity of your boundaries?

Finally: "peace at any price" squanders the opportunity for growth, healing. Don't bring it up again and see what happens. Don't expect her to take care of your discomfort, either.
 

redoleander

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Thank you everyone for your replies! They’re very helpful. It’s useful to see the different ways of breaking this down as well as useful to see a lot of common themes. I definitely have an issue without acting even when I know I shouldn’t because I’m too anxious. The outside perspective is useful. It’s so interesting because even though I’ve known this person for a while we got closer fairly recently. I remember doing a reading about our connection a while back truly expecting nothing but a little more info on our dynamic and felt surprised that it was such a negative reading. I have to go back and find it… I’m curious what it says but my readings aren’t that well organized (have to work on that this winter!). I’m 100% sure it was Hex 23 but I can’t remember the lines. It’s easy to dismiss or just not know what to do with certain info. And I feel like I was doing that here with wanting to contact her. Helpful to have confirmation that’s not the best idea
 
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becalm

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Thank you everyone for your replies! They’re very helpful. It’s useful to see the different ways of breaking this down as well as useful to see a lot of common themes. I definitely have an issue without acting even when I know I shouldn’t because I’m too anxious. The outside perspective is useful. It’s so interesting because even though I’ve known this person for a while we got closer fairly recently. I remember doing a reading about our connection a while back truly expecting nothing but a little more info on our dynamic and felt surprised that it was such a negative reading. I have to go back and find it… I’m curious what it says but my readings aren’t that well organized (have to work on that this winter!). I’m 100% sure it was Hex 23 but I can’t remember the lines. It’s easy to dismiss or just not know what to do with certain info. And I feel like I was doing that here with wanting to contact her. Helpful to have confirmation that’s not the best idea
So easy to take action when we just WANT resolution instead of being able to let things be. I'm exactly the same. Let's sort it out TODAY, hahaha that's me!! And if we can't I get highly anxious.
Me and Mr potential had a fall out on the weekend as we've had a few times about stupid stuff because we both trigger each other, but I read this article which pretty much describes my life.
His house is a mess, he likes lots of stimulation etc. and then I'm reacting to that, then he's reacting to how I'm reacting so I wonder if your relationship here is a back and forth of triggers in some way.....obviously it could be nothing like that but with my close friends we may have moments, like all relationships do, but it's not this constant 'agitation'.

 

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