Because Relationships Change...43/45

[malka]

Hello Everyone,

A month after my lover politely rejected me, and we've not been in contact at all, and life for me has been full in so very many ways...I decided to check-in with Yi to see where we may be headed, if anywhere at all. I asked for the short-term outlook for us, and received 43.1.2.3 becoming 45.

This is interesting -- I remember when I asked about the effect of the letter before I sent it, and received 55>8. With so many changing lines, Marshall suggested that I read the bottom unchanging line which left me with a reading of 8.2 and this felt to direct me to gently release XX from my heart. This advice was furthered when I asked what the proper attitude was for me to hold regarding XX, and I received 25 unchanging. Clearly, I was meant to let go emotionally. I beleive I have been practicing just this.

Yet I would welcome your views on 43, and the changing lines (which Marshall again would say to only ready the middle of the three changing lines, and I know several of you have experiences that differ greatly!) and what thoughts others may have regarding the pairing of these two hexagrams. I know that 45 is much stronger than 8 in terms of gathering, and this is interesting to have had this theme emerge again. However, I'm unclear about 43 and it's transition into 45 in this case. 43 does seem to indicate that an announcing needs to/or will take place. I can say with some assurance that it won't be from me! I don't have any particularly strong feelings of wishing to say anything to him. What I mean, is that I am not holding onto anything specific that I wish to say. I am sad about his pulling away, yet I beleive in accepting things as they are (while holding a little hope that things will change if they are meant to.) I still care for him, yes. I am open to talking, yes. But I again have no interest/desire/need to change him or to proclaim anything. I welcome your objective views of the reading.

Thanks!

 

[malka]

P.S. I should say that there is a possibility, but only a possibility, that we might run into each other at the end of the month at one of the various Jewish new year gatherings. I'm curious how this might relate to the gathering and temples, etc decribed in the reading. But again, I'm attending services somewhere different from where I usually do, and I have no idea where he is attending, (nor do I have any knowldge of him ever attending at my new place) I just somehow "feel" there's a possibility of us seeing each other. Maybe.

 

[tashiiij]

Hi Malka,

I dunno, my feeling from this is that you're just not strong enough yet to see him or deal with him emotionally, it seems from the lines you are still really hurt and wary. Why shouldn't you be. The way it all happened and all. Gosh. So yeah, I don't see why you should want or have to proclaim ANYthing. Just get thru the business, spattered rain and all that. Maybe being realistic about how vulnerable you feel right now will give rise to some kind of expression of belonging....

 

[martin]

Hi Malka,

My experience is that answers to questions about a relationship that is inactive or latent are hard to interpret.
I have received answers about latent relationships that clearly indicated that something would happen but no, nothing happened, at least nothing that I could see, hear, touch, smell or taste .....

In this case there might be a announcement/breakthrough (43) or preparation for a possible breakthrough.
Or thinking about it. Perhaps only thinking about it:
In 43 the trigram heaven is repeated 3 times (if you include the two inner trigrams) and only then comes the trigram lake.
Each of the changing lines 1,2 and 3 is the first line of a trigram heaven and this trigram stands for potential that doesn't yet act.
It's like "Shall I? No, not yet" and then again "Shall I? No, not yet" and then ... again?

Well, maybe the third line (because it is a proper correlate of line 6) finally does something, or rather decides (decision is another aspect of 43) something: "Shall I? No, I will NOT!"

Line 3 is perhaps the most relevant line because the other two (1 and 2) are apparently not yet ready for anything. But this is not a general rule, I don't think that the last changing line is always the most important line. It depends on the hexagram and the question.

Conclusion ...
I guess is that the relationship will stay dormant in the near future, although there is some hesitation on your side or his side or both sides.
But maybe I'm wrong and anyway, the "near future" may not last very long

Martin

 

[martin]

Another thought, if line 3 is indeed the most important line in this case it seems to suggest that you keep your door (heart?) open while others in your environment say that you should close your door.
Although you say "no" (in the sense that you will not try to contact him) it's not with resentment.

I wonder if you recognize that.

Martin

 

[malka]

Tashiiij, Thank you for sharing your thoughts. As far as being ready to see him goes, I'm not sure if it's about being ready or if it's just about whether there is any reason to see him. I'm not interested in just hanging out with him, after all. I'd only be interested in seeing him if he were willing/interested in talking through things. But this is a place he would need to come to on his own. I'm definitely not going after him.

Today I was reviewing some interesting materials by John Gottman, the couples therapy guru who can predict with 94% accuracy what couples will divorce within 4 years. Anyway, I was reminded about when couples are able to move through conflict and when they aren't. Gottman's research seems to show that it isn't about the technique of the person making the bid for reconcilliation (that would have been me) it is about the recipient of the bid (that was XX), and their feelings and emotional connection to the friendship in the relationship. According to Gottman's research, good partnerships are all about the friendship. Also, before XX and I even started he told me he wasn't sure he was ready yet (he's divorced, tough custody battle which he won) and so I knew these things, and his limitations and hesitation around connecting emotionally before we started. In my heart I don't beleive our hiatus and then his pulling away was so much about ending, as it was about slowing down. Way down. Perhaps we are over for good. But I've also lived enough life to know there's a delicate balance between accepting things as they are, while also being open to them changing.

By the way, you may remember that when he responded to my email he said he's met somebody. Well, either he was untruthful, or that somebody didn't last very long. XX and I were both connected to the same dating service and he's apparently reactivated himself. If he did lie to me - OUCH. (But I don't beleive he's a liar.) Or, I really should have listened to Yi more closely before sending my letter as it did tell me that timing was important, yet I pushed ahead at full speed. Perhaps if I had waited until... No, I trust everything happened just as it needed to happen. How else is there to live? Or, will some of the die hard Yi people tell me that this tragedy was just one of the lessons of learning to listen to Yi?

 

[malka]

Martin, I understand your point about asking about "inactive" relaitonships. I'm not sure if I agree exactly. Although I do believe there is an inherent problem with asking Yi about anything that is dynamic in that things change. I would learn towards believing that when you received positive oriented readings they were true at that moment. But, then life continued to evolve...

Thank you very much for the richness of explaining about the three heavens in the hexagram. I had no idea. Now, what is it that heaven represents emotionally? I'll need to look back on one of Chris's old posts to find out.

Describing the lines as "potential that doesn't yet act" is exactly what this whole situation/relationship "feels" like to me. We have lots of genuine potential. It hasn't been released/explored fully at all. Perhaps it never will be, I accept this as likely. It is interesting though that "dormant" has untapped potential in it.

Do you have any thoughts about what seems like a big leap from dormant to 45 - Assembling? I don't really get the transition, unless it's related to the expression/proclaiming of 43. And as I said, I don't think it's going to be me doing the expressing. At least I won't be the first one.

Martin, in your second post you asked if I recognized something that I wrote - I didn't totally follow your thinking. Would you please re-phrase? I'm always open to learning to listen to myself more closely.

Blessings,
Malka

P.S. "Blessings" to you also, Tashiiij!

 

[chrislofting]

Malka, some general comments on 43/45 etc...

You wrote:
> A month after my lover politely rejected me, and we've not
> been in contact at all, and life for me has been full in so
> very many ways...I decided to check-in with Yi to see where
> we may be headed, if anywhere at all. I asked for the
> short-term outlook for us, and received 43.1.2.3 becoming
> 45.
>

We can interpret this as:

(a) 43 changing into 45 (transcendence at work - core changes)
(b) 43 being exaggerated and so a warning in the form of analogy to the characteristics of 45. (transformation at work, shape-shifting - surface changes, core unchanged)

43 deals with 'spreading the word', sowing seeds, use of cuttings, clonings etc etc etc (missionary zeal etc). IOW it can reflect the planting of an idea, a thought, into the mind of another/others and with some robust aid start that thought to develop. 43 is the opposite to 23 where the focus is on pruning an existing thought where the thought in general has become corrupted, too many 'weeds' around it and so it is hard to see the 'pure' form.

43 pairs with hexagram 01 and has its root characteristics reflected in the properties of 01 (singlemindedness) mixed with the properties of 28 (excess, going beyond what is required).

45 deals with congregating with others to celebrate one's faith (08 if you recall is more into passive attraction, where a group focus on generating a sense of belonging is at work - in 45 you celebrate that belonging) 45 pairs with hexagram 12 and has its root characteristics reflected in mixing the properties of 12 (neutralising the attacks of others on one's beliefs and so firming those beliefs) and the properties of 25 - disentanglement from the 'norm' through standing up (in a crowd) to assert one's opinion without fear of, or ignorant of, consequences.

Thus we see in 45 the focus on assertion of one's personal perspective (25) combined with a focus on doing so to strengthen one's faith (12) all within a group.

Thus (a) above reflects a fundamental change in core nature, from 'planting seeds' to celebration of their growth, whereas (b) above reflects a surface change, an exaggeration that can put things 'out of balance' and reflects something like 'hubris' at work, we 'spread the word' to a degree where we pride our skills in doing so, we celebrate those skills and in doing so over-exaggerate the nature of 43 where the focus is on 'spreading the word' and no more.

hubris // n.
1 arrogant pride or presumption.
2 (in Greek tragedy) excessive pride towards or defiance of the gods, leading to nemesis.
hubristic // adj.
[Greek]

(Note that arrogance is one of the properties of the trigrams of heaven and lake and in five-phase theory these trigrams represent the phase of exchange (metal) where heaven is mapped to competitive exchange (issues of anger, respect) and lake to cooperative exchange (issues of sexual love, intimacy). BOTH reflect a focus on REPLACEMENT of something by something else)

Chris.

 

[martin]

Hi Malka,

In my second post I wondered if it is indeed true that you keep your door (heart) open to him. I also wondered if others (friends perhaps) disagree with you and advise you to close the door.
This is all based on line 3 of 43. The text suggests that you, as the subject of that line, are alone in your openness to line 6, your former partner.
The Wilhelm/Baynes translation explains (I replaced 'he' by 'she' and 'him' by 'her'):
"She will be lonely because no one will understand her. Her relations with the inferior man [line 6] will sully her in the eyes of the multitude, and they will turn against her, ... "

Perhaps "they will turn against her" overstates the point but I could imagine that friends (with the best of intentions) advise you to close your door or heart and to see him as an enemy.
So, my question was if that is indeed what you experience.

I'm not too sure about the meaning of hexagram 45 in the background. Does it reflect a future development? Or does it reflect the overall situation or the (deeper) question that you asked?
45 suggests a slow and more or less automatic (natural) process of coming together of people or other elements of the situation. It contrasts with 43 in that it is much softer and less tense.

In combination with the hesitating lines in 43 I would read it as an advice: Let things sort out themselves, they will. No need to interfere. Strong measures are not necessary and will only hinder the natural process. Just relax ...
I don't know if this hexagram "promises" a future contact but I think it says that things will become softer, given time. The sharp edges will disappear. Time heals ...

Hope this helps,

Be blessed,

Martin

 

[learner]

Hi Malka,

This is just to say that I totally agree with Martin's interpretation of Hex 43 changing lines.
I have been asking questions about an inactive relationship myself and it has been quite difficult to achieve results that, as Martin says, you can touch, hear, smell, even when the Hexagram or the lines appear to foresee some development in the situation.
And remember there is always the issue of what the future means in the I Ching readings. What is exactly a period of time? When IT says ten days or three years? Well, it is hard to say, is not?

Blessings,
Learner

 

[cal val]

Malka...

I'll be interested to hear what happens at Rosh Hashanah services...since the Yi seems to be talking about them (45).

Cheerio the noo,

Val

 

[lilian]

Hi Malka

Maybe this casting is mirroring the process inside you?

45 can be a gathering with other people, but also gathering the capacity to do things, the communion with spiritual powers, with one's self through sacrifice and open emotions.

43 speaks of a decisive path, or to settle, to cleanse, to part. Line 1, 2 and 3 are a warning of a (verbal) "attack".

In your first post you expressed exactly this: In this past month of inside and outside work, and by accepting the situation as it is, despite your sadness, you decided not to approach him with anything to say.

In this forum I learned that the relating hexagram doesn't necessarily have to be the outcome, but can also be the "backdrop"of a situation. I may be wrong, I think it was Candid who expressed it so beautifully: The first hexagram is the paint, the second the canvas.

But I still wish you that you will meet him, and that there is a positive outcome of this "gathering".

Lilian

 

[anita]

Malka,

Look out at your temple! Good luck

Best for your Quest

Anita

 

[malka]

Update: Although there is one more holiday to go in the mix of Jewish High Holidays this weekend, I have so far not seen him in synagogue. Haven't met anyone else interesting either.

The only possible religious gathering together that has happened is that we are both listed in the same online Jewish dating service. Maybe that's what Yi was referring to? I don't know...

Blessings,
Malka

 

[malka]

Update: Although there is one more holiday to go in the mix of Jewish High Holidays this weekend, I have so far not seen him in synagogue. Haven't met anyone else interesting either.

The only possible religious gathering together that has happened is that we are both listed in the same online Jewish dating service. Maybe that's what Yi was referring to? I don't know...

Blessings,
Malka