Bitter Fruit, part 2

[frank]

Hi all,

I have written about my feelings for a dear collegue of mine in the past. Things happened, and it is partly me to blame for that (I crossed a line) that these days I'm very said to tell that my looks for the future in this case are very pestimistic. I thought I had been recovered from the way she was telling me that she was back at her BF and so I started to look around to other women, and boy I once send something about that here, and the whole moral issue thing came up. Still thanks for that post. That lady is still a friend of mine (just a friend). Now I'm deeply concerned about the collegue / friendship with the collegue as the feelings came back for a short time and I imvited her again for lunch (and other things like movie or something...). She did not respond. I asked why not... at least tell me 'no', instead of not responding at all... Then she mailed me an explanation and finaly the euro falls in my brain! I do get the picture that I crossed a line here, and I'm very sorry for that. I shure will get over the 'blues' for her in time, but I'm very upset about losing the 'friendship' as well, because of my stupid behaviour. (That's my opinion... not anyone else, including herself told me it's stupid). She is not angry at me, but tells me that she is keeping distance as something 'cracked' in her, as she had asked me over and over again not to cross a certain line. It's my blind spot that I still did that. She is still mailing me, but much less then before, and that is killing me these days. It realy hurts. Now I asked the Yi what to do 'in godsname' with this stuff between me and her, and I received Hexagram 61, line 5, towards 41....
Till now I supose the Yi is trying to tell me to convince myself that I actually realy know very well what to do (61), and he is conphorting me that this is not that much my fault, although I think it is (Karcher 61-5: "A connection that binds us together. This is not a mistake".). In 41 I guess the Yi is telling me that I should be ok with myself, accept things as they are and try to get a grip on the situation as it is, whitout loosing dignity. (41). Again, the collegue is NOT angry at me but frustrated and at a far distance. Frustrated as I did not listen to back off. She is still contacting me, but much less then she did till some months ago. She knows about me and the other woman, as I wanted her to know that she was no longer in my head and we could move on as collegues on friendly bases, and perhaps go for lunch sometimes... She now told me that she will not do that because she does not want to give me any hope, as she thinks I'm only asking her this because she is in my head still... (as I told you above, she is back for a short period, as the other woman is only friends too, and instead of getting the love back in my own stomage, I putted it back at her (without telling, by the way..., only the lunch thing was asked, nothing else...))
She is realy someone I realy like, and I have to figure out till what kind of level I want to be friends, but it is already hurting me to know that the final goodbyes already could happen as we speak... What do you think about the answer of the Yi in the question what to do in this case: 61/5 > 41...?

Just sharing

Hug,
Frank

 

[luz]

That's a baffling response...
In my opinion:
Maybe there is something in that connection.
I try to imagine how your colleague thinks but I'm having a hard time. If I was in her situation and I had this person pursuing me and I tell them not to and they stop but then after a while they ask again. I think it's the most normal thing to do. After all, if she continues the relationship with you on friendly terms she should know that you will try later on if you're still interested in her, just in case she has 'cracked' the right way, but I don't think I would be so upset. It's almost like she takes you too much for granted, you know.
I know that in love matters it's not a good idea to 'use strategy' but maybe your sincere approach is creating the wrong response. If I were you I would withdraw a little bit. Also, maybe if you try to not think about this so much, sometimes wanting something too much can be bad.

I feel for you and that's why I tried to respond, although not with great insight on your reading.
Take care.

 

[frank]

Hi Lightangel,

Thank you for your quick response.

It's a baffling response alright :-D; and yes, a day later, I'm aware that I responded a bit to upset about it (or where you telling about her and that she should not be upset?). I'm dutch by nationality, so some therms I know only by TV, and I've heared from 'taking something or someone to much for granted', but could you please explain what that means here, in this context :-D? (Does it mean that she isn't take me that seriously?, which was the reason I asked about that particular responce at the first place, and she told me because of the 'crack' she did not respond seriously, and now she feels that she owed me an apology, and she could have said no, and she takes this as a lesson she has to learn... Untill these letters I did not thought about it to much in a way that she seriously is not taking me that seriously, and that could piss me of here :-D. Do take me serious, especialy in this matter!, mmm, could drop that in the responsmail...)

And yes those are very useful tips: withdraw a bit, not thinking about it to much and let go of something you want to much (as that can 'fear' her ofcourse, which was never my intention.) That is exactly what I was planned to do, after I talked to my boss about it, as first I was planned to let myself be moved to another department... (Now that's an emotional respons :-D) One day later I'm staying, and try to concentrate on the job... as Yi gave me 61/5 > 41... Not me to blame here... just human... (sigh). And altough you said you responded with not much insite in the Yi answer, I still think it is a great response (this time :-D, as I ask for Yi insites...).

Thank you, Lightangel, and shine on :-D

Hug,
Frank

 

[luz]

I meant that she shouldn't be so upset. I mean, if she's your friend, even in the understanding that she doesn't want your advances, she could be more patient or good-humored, no?

Is she attached to somebody else (husband or boyfriend) because it could be she considers your invitations a lack of respect for her situation if she's married, for example.

Or could it be that you have been soooo persistent that she's a little afraid of you?

By saying that maybe 'she takes you for granted' I mean that she thinks that you are there for her no matter what, that she can do anything and you won't get mad at her. Something like that. But it's common to take people for granted when you are very close to them.

Hang on and maybe the future will bring something good either with her or somebody else.

 

[frank]

Hi Lightangel,

Thanks again for the respons, and yes, as I told earlier (the 4th line) 'she is back with Boyfriend (BF)', and yes, there could be some anoyance, because of my disrespect (crossing a line, remember...), but she still is a collegue who will not be pissed off and tell me that, which in a strange way would be more clear to me, I guess. I'm glad she did not, but I know now that I saw the drawback not as it was mented. That's why I thought the answer of the Yi was a bit baffled... :-D, as I am aware now what I did, without the meaning to actualy doing that (purcuing). And yes, she always was, and still is, very patient with me, and good humored, most of the time... The emotions I have now are about the anger I feel for the situation and the stupidity I did. I know I have something to blame.

There has been some talking about Fan Yao's on this forum, which is the line of the hexagram you get after the first line changed, so here the Fan Yao is not 61.5, as that is the changing line, but 41.5, as that is the responding line... By reading that I even get more amazemend... I know now that someone 'invented' the Fan Yao, as there is nothing on this in the Chinese literature, but to read that even 10 turtles could not hold ya is a bit bizare when the lady in this subject has actually asked a couple of times about it to do so... Don't get over my line... is a thing she told me several times... I realy have to learn this lesson, but why do I get this answer then (61.5 > 41)? I know I have a thing to blame here, and I take that responsibility, but probably there are two to tango here, as there could be something else going on?

I also use the Mah Jungg oracle from time to time, and almost a half year ago this oracle 'predicted' a period of great stress (this?), but to follow by a very unexpected happening for the good... As the question was about the future of 'our' bond, where I do now I have to take respectfull distance, and as an example in the I Ching by Jou Tsung Hwa (who writes 3 examples after every line-text) tells me at the Fan Yao that 'you look for a good mate, but never seem to find anyone you feel is special for you (well, I do to much actualy :-D). Then one day this happens, and it is so different and so strong, it is as if fate itself brings it about."... (remember the Mah Jungg example above...?). Mmm, very baffled indeed...

Excuses for the long posts, perhaps to much information, and to much asking, but I was just wandering considering the situation what 61.5 > 41 could mean...

Thanks again, Lightangel

Hug,
Frank

 

[jte]

MHO, this is telling you to accept your feelings for her but not to act on them (since you can't anyway). So, just accept them as a part of you that you have to live with but not act on. Find other ways to express that love (not *just* for her but generally).

In a way you're already doing this, but I think the Yi is telling you to really come to terms with it so that it doesn't upset you in the way it has been anymore. Love is a part of your being, a part of being human. It doesn't always have to be focussed on one individual.

So, accept that part of you for what it is - accept the love and the need that comes with it and transcend that. "Be" that love. And then it becomes a more acceptable, easy-to-cope-with part of who you are and, I think, you've grown spiritually.

Hope this makes sense. Very much MHO...

- Jeff

 

[frank]

Hi Jeff,

Thank you very much for your response. And you are right about keeping the love in instead of acting on them. I went to counselling this afternoon, cried a lot, and things are a bit better now. I feel shame, frustration, and all the things in regret, although I acted as every 'human' beighn probably would have done, so even the counsellor told me to relax a bit, and not be to overwhelmed in emotions by it, as I told here before (look to my posts above..). I'm a great guy with a lot to give, starting with myself... I know that. But I'm not that patience anymore before I can give it to someone else too, so that's why I respond in a way like this... Hexagram 41 could mean that I could accept the Decrease, I supose?

I received a mail from my dear collegue today, as we are still in touch, and it looks like I even lost the friendship. I have answered her that I regret that I crossed lines to much, and that in time I will get over the fact that she is not in love with me as I'm with her. That's fine already. What I find very difficult to cope these days is that I have even lost what I did have, the friendship of a collegue... Although she still wants to be a good collegue on the job, we did have dates last year, and those will not happen again... That hurts. I lost a friend here..
Only time will tell what's next... I move on now. I'm in a strange way a bit calm about it, as the counselling realy helped today, and will be a collegue to her. At least that is something I can be satisfied with.

I'm still curious what the line is telling me in 61.5. OK, I acted humanly, so there's is no blame, but what about that connection? Connection with myself then? Line 5 is also connected to the Brain, as it is a Heaven / Human line (head / hart). Something like connecting your hart in your brain, let the love for yourself get in?
Mmm, just wandering... I do not want to give anyone some idea... Give me your own ones :-D...

Thanks again Jeff, and your opnion is humble but well apriciated :-D.

Hug,
Frank