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Christmas Blowup

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I visited my family for christmas, to my surprise they all turned on me. Suddenly I was guilty of bad behavior and was being rejected by the whole family. I found this out through a hostile confrontation with my dad, and then my mother went even more intensly hostile. I was totally shocked. As it all seemed to come out of nowhere for me. I soon left only to get emails of cold condesending remarks and demands on changing. I left without defending myself as friendly as I could muster not really knowing what was going on or what to expect.

I have been trying to put some distance between us (both before and after this blowup). Having recently left my home town for school, ive felt more free and happy than ever before. I retuned with this happiness only to be scolded in contempt for apparent bad behavior... Afterward ive been even more motivated by this to put some bounderies between me and them. As I feel outnumbered out gunned, and bound by their worldviews and their personal projections onto me. Going home is like re-examining an old scar. Needless to say I do not have a perfect family and not only that ive always been the outcast.

Since then ive not said anything of it to them. Ive not aswered their demands or even discussed whatever bothered them. Ive communicated a bit but in doing so trying to put this behind in the past. Finnally I decided to use the Yijing and get some isight and advice.

"any advice on to me on my family?"

60.1.2.3 -> 39

To me echos my concerns for defining bounderies... Also am reminded of Karchers name for 60 which is "Articulating" which sounds like communication.

Line 1 seems to denotes dicretion, confucious seemed to describe it as silence and reserve.

Line 2 seems to suggest taking action.

Line 3 seems to suggest mistakes having been made. Not sure if this means if what my family expressed is therefore right, or perhaps mistakes in another way. Or perhaps its just suggesting not to retailiate with blaming others.

Finnally 39 feels like where im at. Stuck. I wanted this to dissolve but it feels like i cannot move on without adressing this. Which is the opposite direction i want to go, i want to go away from them, but the blocked passage shows i must go back.


Any comments or advice would be appreciated.
 

deepstillwater

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Hexigram 60 talks about need to understand someone and open up communication: to dissolve obstacles. It is about disolving old divisions that obstruct true communication or understanding AND developing a new way of communication that grows up naturally.

I think the I Ching is telling you that the disputes and missunderstanding between your family and yourself should not be ignored.

Perhaps, you and your family have completely different outlooks and dont' realise just how different you are hence misunderstanding have increased.

I'll use this as an example: when I was younger I had a ballet teacher that was a bit cross. When I would come in early for our class she would be teaching another girl, so I would quietly go to the back without saying anything to disturb the class and warm up. Later when the other class had ended I would say hello. I thought this was thoughtful and respectful to the other student and my teacher. I did this for months until one day my teacher just exploded with anger and called me incredably rude. Why? Because I didn't say hello exactly on entering. I often think about this when I get hexigram 60 - that it should not be taken for granted that you even speak the same "language" as someone else.

Nine at one: You found yourself confronted by your family with their words. While you maintained dignified silence it caused them to increase their expressions of unhappiness (emails etc). I think the I ching is saying it would have been best to stay and to have talked to them at that point.

Nine at two: You should not hesitate any longer to talk to your family.

Nine at three: While a mistake was made to leave the Christmas dinner, I think the I ching is saying that if you admit it was a mistake to leave and not blame your family for being agressive towards you (and therfore causing you to leave) you will not be blamed by them. Perhaps admitting this will be an olive branch to open up communication.

The nuclear trigram of 60 is Jaws, (nourishment) and so there will be a need to enthusiastically bite through any problems/

As for 39, you said you feel stuck. I have asked the I ching before about family issues and have gotten this hexigram. I take it to mean that disagreements/issues between a family is something that naturally appears through the course of time - but it is something that can be overcome. Indeed you can grow because of it, and learn more about yourself.

I hope this helps.
 
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sooo

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Tough one, dude. I recall going through a similar shock, when at a Thanksgiving Day dinner, my father started harping on me for not having our infant son baptized. It was such hypocrisy, since neither of my parents practiced the religion, yet were horrified that I refused to do to my son what I no longer believed in "just in case", in my dad's words. It got so intense in front of several other extended family members, I gathered my wife and son, and walked out. For a over year we had no communication at all, but when Father's Day rolled around again, I sent him a thankful card (line 2). That reopened our channels, and the baptism matter was never raised again. I think this could be an application of 60.1 and 2, similar to yours. I think your line 3 is to settle the matter within yourself (39) that you are not your parents, and that you now are your own man. But that doesn't mean you can never love your parents again, nor them you, though it may take time to be accepted as you are rather than as they want you to be.
 
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deepstillwater

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I thought that was interesting what you said sooo about the application of 60.1.2.3
I've seen a similar situation to that as well.

After reflection I think 60.1 does not mean perhaps you should not have left the dinner, but rather the topic/anger should not have been brought up. I think the line means your parents should have behaved with silence on the matter and reserve. Indeed that they were/are in danger of losing their son over their behaviour.

Its a tough situation, but I think sooo offers excellent advice.
 
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arabella

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I like Sooooo's advice. Family arguments are tough because you never know what brews in your absence and you can just walk into a hornet's nest with no preparation or understanding of what preceded. It may be wishful thinking, but your casting with 60 as the primary hex would indicate to me that there are limits to how much this affects you and how big it can get if you don't enflame the situation. It always hurts to see your parents upset and blaming you. On the other hand, parents are human, as you get older you realise more and more they have clay feet and make mistakes. Some families have a syndrome that I often saw at home where whoever wasn't present became the "whipping boy." Whatever this version of family pathology is about, you seem wise not to react. Respond maybe, react no. It takes two to fight and if you just assess what is said and do what is sensible, then the potential for war is snuffed where it began.
 
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Trojina

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...any feedback ? What happened ? Same issue as other thread I was wondering about the outcome of ?
 

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