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Dedicated to Jeanystar from Val... A story about a junction in "the Path"

cal val

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To Jeany... and anyone else who's curious, of course.

Three years ago I started a journey from Los Angeles across the continent and the pond to pursue something I wanted... a life with someone I wanted. On my way, even before I embarked, things started to go awry. I stopped in Virginia on what was supposed to be a three-month sojourn before crossing the pond. Things went very awry, and I stayed... "stuck" there... for three years. What I didn't know when I started out, but learned over the three years "stuck" there, is that I was wanting the right thing. I just wasn't ready.

Fate kept me in Virginia so that I could learn what I needed to learn to have the life I want. I had to learn about survival (I took things for granted) by living in a very dangerous economic climate, and I had to learn about my connection to heaven and earth by living in nature.

Many of my posts were about being very frightened... I was in a textile town that was dying since textiles have left the country. I watched what happens to an entire town when their livelihood... their life... the life of several generations of their family before them... is taken away. I heard gunfire very near my home and person on four different occasions in the last year there.

And while all this was going on I was having dreams and YiJing readings that helped me journey to my innermost self where my deepest biggest fear lived... the fear that kept me from having the life I want. And I learned new things about me and the universe and felt new feelings for the first time in my life.

Although many of my posts were about this sequential journey to my inner self, many were about being frightened amid the violence and wanting desperately to leave. The Yi kept telling me to wait. The violence and desperation around me grew, and finally in early March, after my dreams (and hopes) about a life with My Great Man across the pond and my self-discovery had seemingly ended), things happened that moved the obstacles from the path out of there. The way was clear. I boarded a plane to return to LA on March 31.

I followed the Yi's guidance the entire time. Since returning, I've landed the absolutely perfect job in which I'm very happy and secure. And this weekend I'm moving into a new wonderful home. Housing is at a premium here and very difficult to find, but the Yi guided me right to this home... and it's perfect for me... *contented sigh*

Ahhh, but there's more...

Whenever I would try to "direct" my path toward a significant other, whether new or past, I would get 43.4 or the line that says "Make no arbitrary choice of the way. The force more powerful than yourself is leading together those who belong together," and I finally learned to just let them lead. When I found this new comfortable and safe home, I knew instinctively that it was time, and I asked the Yi about where they were leading me. Because of my new situation, which is a return of sorts to a distant happy past, I was suspecting they might be leading toward someone in that past whom I'm not all the keen on any more. They answered with 41.4. I wasn't very happy to hear that because I wasn't really interested in reuniting with him, and kind of let that answer go. Then I asked again a few days later about a more general scenario, and they answered 41.4 again. I knew at that point I needed to pay close attention to the line.

Then a couple of nights after that, I overheard my family talking about a couple, and it reminded me of an incident that happened between My Great Man and me when we were in England together.

After he'd tried to ask me to marry him and my fear reared it's ugly head yet again and I'd said hurtful things in response, he decided to send me home to the US. I didn't want to go because I really did want to marry him and didn't know why I'd done such a horrid thing. I got drunk... I got sick... and I was in the bathroom crying. He tried to console me. He reached down to put his arms around me to hold me, and when I felt his touch on my back, I reached around and hit him. *cringe* Hitting him was a reflex reaction that had nothing to do with him. I had been in that same position in my youth, crouched with my arms wrapped around my head to protect myself from a beating that left me with broken ribs, and I flashed back to it at that moment. I never hit any man before that... except in play in my youth... and, of course, I haven't since. There's no doubt I never will again. Nevertheless he had nothing to do with the beating... he was being gentle and loving, and I reacted violently. I hurt him. Can you tell I'm struggling to type this? The memory, the remorse, the knowing that I hurt someone so kind and caring and gentle... someone I loved... is painful and difficult.

As I laid there in bed overwhelmed with remorse and grief, I was seized with a strong desire to tell him how sorry I am and to ask him for forgiveness. I got out of bed and threw the coins, telling the Yi how I was feeling, and they answered with... what else?... you already know... 41.4.

That's the first time since February of this year that they've prepared me for an experience (by repeating 41.4 before the fact)... and again... it's an experience involving him. Most of growth experiences in Virginia involved him. I don't know that it means the line is going to fulfill itself in its entirety... including the part that says, "It makes the other hasten to come and rejoice"... it would be nice... but I've learned not to take all the stages of lines to heart. I do know that I had to get past that moment in my youth and come to terms with that moment with him. And I do know I have to tell him that I realize the gravity of my crime against him and how very sorry I am that I hurt him. It's very important to me. I owe him at least this much. And I owe it to myself. I have no way to contact him now. He's changed his phone number and email address since we last talked. Our last possible conduit of communication is now closed to me. I don't have a computer at home until I get my stuff from Virginia, and I have a firewall on my computer at work that prevents my using it. But when I do have an opportunity again, I AM going to tell him.

Thanks for listening.

With much love,

Val
 
J

jeanystar

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Dear Val,
I have been peeking at your past threads and now reading this one,and all I can say is that you have quite a story. It has the makings of a novel, or a wonderful memoir, and you write very well also. I am quite inpressed with your courage and guts, resilience and insights...to say the least.

In one thread, you said you didnt believe in a God per se (and I have no judgement about that either way, please understand) but I am curious...does the new found conception of a Higher Power indicate that you have changed your mind? Just a curiousity here. I was a Catholic school girl my whole young life, found a "Higher Power" at age 21, and it changed my concept of "God"...and all thse years later, it is still an expanding thing.

I also want toknow where you got that quoted translation of line 43.4 above....Please tell... I have never seen it described like that, and I am thinking I need to update my texts, or acquire some new ones.

It is very interesting to me that I too have gotten 41.4 a lot in the past year!! this is wonderful synchronicity..and I feel that thru this board, you , as well as others, are catalysts for changes nearing the surface in me.

You are right, of course that I have had "my journey", and I am surprised to hear that it comes thru my posts..but why should I be, right!? BUt of course I am not unique, everyone has their journey and their story and every story is deserving of its own memoir, too.

I m very new to this Clarity board, and as such, I dont know that I have "earned my place around the fire" (borrowed quote - with love) or if I even will...so I am hesitant to share too much about me...only that I could describe the last year of my life by using the Tower and Hanged Man cards from the Tarot. Everything turned upside down, mostly internally...... not necessarily negative. A new life. I feel as though I have poked my head up thru a ceiling... that I was brushing up against and feeling trapped under for a number of years. And the feeling is like..."WOW, there is another whole world up here". Now I feel how a former senior in HS feels when she suddenly finds herself as a freshman in a huge University.
The atmosphere in my world has changed. Stumbling upn Clarity is one single small part of this, but a delightful one. I know I probably sound like a big , bumbling simpleton at times, but I cant help it..I am so happy to know there is more to learn and discover....
I have really enjoyed reading your posts, your refreshing honesty....
Is your Great Man the same as your Gentle Muse from previous posts? ( I am a stickler for getting all the details of a story right.. Counselor by profession, love stories!)

I do fervently hope , and also believe that you will be one day be able to make your feelings known to this man overseas...and it may come unexpectedly. Evrything is possible. So happy you found/created that wonderful job..and the new house. You are in the right direction, obviously.
Thank you so much for dedicating a thread to me
blush.gif
and for sunchronistically leading me on to my own truths.
Much Love, Jeannie
PS I was going to change the spelling of 'synchronistically'..but actually it makes sense the way it is!! your words are like the sun to me.
 

cal val

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Hi Jeany...

Ah ha... you're a counsellor. I hope you've enjoyed a good deal of success experiences and gratification in your work.

Regarding my belief system, I did a complete 180 after coming to this forum... and it had nothing to do with this forum. It was the act of turning myself over to the wisdom of what I theorized at the time to be the "Higher Power." I was a devout atheist. I believed in the "collective synaptical energy output." I believed that whenever I could see the future (whether I wanted to or not and it was usually not), I was tapping into a "great database" that was created by the combined brain waves of every one of mankind.

The dreams that changed all that were sequential. The first one after joining the forum started the thread entitled "Dreams and words" - http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/messages/48/584.html? However, I had no idea where it was leading or what it meant when I had it. There's still some mystery to it for me. And I just discovered through Google (inputting "dexacant") that someone linked to it from a "freaky dream list." The next dream was "Recurring dream and the concept of fate"
http://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/I_Ching_community/messages/48/703.html? It recurred until I finally accepted the concept that was being shown me morning after morning. Many dreams starring the same cast of characters... the men in grey... followed after that. I have posted probably only a quarter or less of them. The real story is in the dreams I haven't posted.

Regarding the interpretation of 43.4... of course, there is the admonishment in the commentaries and the W/B translation among others. I have found through experience, however, that the admonishment is not really as severe as it comes across. And it's only for those who don't accept they're being led. I believe it's addressing the control freak in those of us who get it. I'm now in a job in a field in which I have some expertise and which I love, and I'm living in a new home where I feel comfortable and content. And it's only because I allowed myself to be led. I would have taken another job that was offered to me before this opportunity came up if I hadn't listened to the Yi. And, in that I was very anxious to get out on my own again, I would have taken an apartment much less perfect than the house I'm now in if the Yi hadn't said not to.

And here's a quick story that happened today that is further testament to the benefit of allowing myself to be led and testament to my instincts that's it's time. In my dream 20-something years ago, I was cracking my little whip and feeling good about it when a man walked up beside me cracking his giant whip and wanting to show me his trick. He asked the first time as we approached some scaffolding. He asked the second time as we got to the other side of the scaffolding. He asked the third and final time... the time I finally said "Yes" when we came back the other direction and returned to where we'd started. The first two times he asked, I said I didn't want to see it because I'd seen it before... back there and pointed to where we'd come from. The third time I said to go ahead and get it over with. The trick was to "tie the knot" with the whip. I have been watching for the scaffolding in the dream for 20-something years now... especially since My Great Man and I parted... sometimes desperately. And, of course, I have seen scaffolding hundreds of times since then, but none of them were the scaffolding in the dream. This morning, I left my house to walk to the nearby subway station for the first time to take my first subway ride to work. As I rounded the corner to push the walk button to cross the street to the subway station, I walked into THE scaffolding. There was no mistaking it. It was exactly as I'd seen it in my dream.

Regarding the other line I referred to, I couldn't remember the hexagram and line and I paraphrased and summarized when I wrote my last post. But I remember now because I got it again yesterday. It's hex 45.2:

Letting oneself be drawn
Brings good fortune and remains blameless.
If one is sincere,
It furthers one to bring even a small offering.

In the time of Gathering Together, we should make no arbitrary choice of the way. There are secret forces at work, leading together those who belong together. We must yield to this attraction; then we make no mistakes. Where inner relationships exist, no great preparations and formalities are necessary. People understand one another forthwith, just as the Divinity graciously accepts a small offering if it comes from the heart.


Regarding your hope that I can make my feelings known to My Great Man... thank you. It would most probably have to come unexpectedly as you say. All my efforts to communicate my feelings with him for almost a year met with silence. I quit trying March 1. It would be nice to hear from him or see him again... even if for only five minutes... even if only long enough to tell him how very sorry I am. I have no great expectations. All I know is whatever happens, whoever walks beside me on my path now, whether it's him or someone else from my past or someone new, it's all going to be alright now.

As to "earning your place around the fire," you have. I haven't "earned mine," and I don't care. I just care that if even only one person benefits from hearing my story, I'll be content. It's happened before.

I love your analogy about poking your head through the ceiling. To earn the trust of and finally start conversing with a part of me that has remained silent yet active for all these years was like being reunited with a loved one after many years of separation. And to learn the things she told me... to have the veil lifted... to see for the first time in my life... to feel feelings I've never felt before... it's indescribable.

My Shy Muse and My Great Man are indeed one in the same. The name My Shy Muse is really quite appropros. He's very shy, and I've never been so inspired creatively as I have been with him. But as I grew up and felt new feelings and saw him with the respect and admiration that he deserves, he became My Great Man... the Great Man in 1.5.

I look forward to reading more of your posts. I enjoy your insight very much.

With love,

Val
 

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