Describe my relationship with my mother? Hexagram 63.3.4.5>51

[MrKind]

So, as advised I have asked the Oracle about some further guidance:1. Describe my relationship with my mother? Hexagram 63.3.4.5>512. What should be my attitude towards my mother? Hexagram 47 (unchanging) This is somehow a continuation of the problem I have described in here: https://www.onlineclarity.co.uk/fri...-my-mother-and-ask-for-help-23-4-5-6-gt-45You can find the details above. As one can tell this is a very intimate and important matter to me, I am grateful for every response.

 

[MrKind]

Sorry somehow the spacing was corrupted above.Describe my relationship with my mother? Hexagram 63.3.4.5>51What should be my attitude towards my mother? Hexagram 47 (unchanging)

 

[MrKind]

I will wait for two or three days for any advises on this and then make the decision about contacting her or not. I'm still undecided somehow.

 

[MrKind]

I will wait for two or three days for any advises on this and then make the decision about contacting her or not. I'm still undecided somehow.

can someone share their interpretation?

 

[canislulu]

First I am going to do a "no-no" and offer my feeling without looking at the reading.

Why not, "Do it, and then you will know." It has occurred to you to communicate with your mother. You have reason for being cautious based on the past. You would appreciate some help from her at this time. You don't know how it will go. If you go ahead and communicate and ask, then you will know.
I cannot really think of any great harm that can come to you from communicating. If you get depressed or angry than you will know that nothing has changed. But something different could happen. And that could be good.

 

[canislulu]

Do you even know if your mother is still alive?

 

[canislulu]

I think I was drawn to this thread because of difficulties in my current relationship with my mother. There are similarities and differences in our relationships. (I also had an alcoholic father. Interacting with my mother has recently made me depressed or angry. I am frustrated by my inability to control my anger. There is so much I cannot control in the situation, I wish I could at least control this.)

Hexagram 47 is an interesting one given your question. What comes to me is Lise's translation "Enclosed Tree" at www.yijing.nl

"A noble one incurs fate an fulfilling his aspiration."

You are a branch on your family tree.

Your mother may not be able to be a "noble one" in this situation. You cannot change that.
Can you change how you approach the situation? How could you approach it as a "noble one"?

 

[canislulu]

My take on 63.3.4.5 > 51

Your relationship with your mother is what it is. It is "Already Across".
63.3 --- a lot of work and growing pains
63.4 --- ? not sure. I've gotten this line when I was pursuing a solution to a financial situation in a way that wasn't really best for me --- I could do better ---
63.5 --- I think the offering you can make is to humbly give your mother a chance to help you out.

 

[canislulu]

Finally, I think we can all learn more about your readings if you put your impulse to ask your mother for help to the trial. "Do it, and then we will know."

 

[MrKind]

Finally, I think we can all learn more about your readings if you put your impulse to ask your mother for help to the trial. "Do it, and then we will know."

Thank you. I will know more on Monday and then I will share the update herel yes I do know whether she is alive. Theoretically I am a branch but practically I have understood long time ago that by trying to keep in touch I was only hurting myself. Why should I keep toxic people access to me? Just because of the fact she gave birth to me? That's ridiculous. She was like that for her entire adulthood when she was raising me. She was already an adult by then. I was only a powerless child that was deeply hurt. I had a physical problems with my heart due to this toxic relationship and other issues in my own daily personal and professional life. Even if one side did the homework its not enough if she did not. We shall see.

 

[MrKind]

Jumping mouse sorry to hear about your situation. You probably know that this anger cannot be either controlled or expressed, taming it down doesn't work either and can probably cause some chronic illness in our bodies. Cutting the ulimbical cord and moving away physically out of her reach was my only healthy solution that worked out. I'm not saying it was or is easy but it did worked out. I wish you all the best. Sometimes the noble one must mainly save and heal himself. I dont have any duties towards her.

 

[MrKind]

Okay guys. I've called her on last Friday. She was at work and a little bit surprised. I asked her about a loan. (not a big one, and I know it is within her financial capabilities) she initially said 'that it is a lot of money and she needs to think' (it was not a lot, trust me) - I replied with slightly lower amount saying it's going to help, too. She said she needs 'to think about it and gather thought' (probably my mistake, I should hold my ground and said openly yes or no, but okay - not a big mistake). I told her I will call her on Monday to check if she has made her decision. I told her that I dont want to be debating when on this first phone call, but after finishing this task I will call her and each one of us will have a chance to say whatever we would want to say to each other.She send me an e-mail yesterday asking about bank details and adding that "she never refused any help in the past so she won't do it this time too and that she don't want any confessions from me" (obviously its willed with regret, anger and emotions like that - bear in mind that since 2005 I have asked her only FEW times for any sort of financial help and it was MINIMAL (we are talking about sums like 100-200 GBP). Okay! So far, nothing unusual. I felt the very same toxicity coming from her. Of course, she must be feeling angry at me for not contacting her for I think more than a year this time. Around May this year she wrote me an e-mail saying that 'she knows I prohibited her from contacting me, but not having any contact with me is the worst thing she ever happened to her in life, her biggest failure and that she loves me and if I already forgiven her I should contact her'Now, before any of you will jump into conclusions how its a bad mistake from me. No, its not. Its not an easy choice when a child is openly blocking communication with his parents. I did this because I was suffering physically and mentally due to her toxic behaviors. It was a typical co-dependent relationship. I wont go into details, but you need to trust me on that one. Even in this one short e-mail (to be honest I would expect much more than just this, maybe she could write WHAT she understood and HOW she was wrong or saying she went to a therapist or anything) I could spot her usual sabotage:- if I do not contact her back, I have obviously not forgiven her. - if I did, I should contact herMe forgiving her or not has NOTHING to do with wanting to have anything to do with her in my current life. Actually I had forgiven her long time ago, I understand she is just sick (just as I am) but well, that doesnt mean I need to stick around sick toxic people who aren't doing anything to FIX themselves (like I did!)Also, its all about her. You guys might not see this from this short e-mail, but I knew her all my life. It was ALWAYS about her. How she is suffering, how this situation is HER failure, how I should HELP HER for it to stop being HER failure. HER HER HER. She NEVER EVER said ANYTHING about HOW I SUFFERED, what I've went through, how it affected me. No empathy at all. Nothing. Nada. Her suffering is HER suffering. Not mine. Its not my responsibility to save or heal her. I cant do it. I was having a tremendous amount of guilt due to this fact. For YEARS. This is, thankfully to the work I had done on my own healing and the I Ching, slowly disappearing. It was the biggest co-dependent toxic relationship in my life, which also negatively impacted relations with other women in my adult life (if one's relation with mother and father was bad, its obvious he will struggle in having healthy boundaries with other people!)It's still happening from time to time that I have nightmares with my drunk father and her, arguing in my childhood home. They are SLOWLY regressing but I had those dreams EVERY NIGHT for OVER TEN YEARS. Every night. I am not joking. This is how bad it was. She never ever paid a slightest interest in me telling her this. Nothing. It was so bad that I allowed other people in my life to use and hurt me, because I had no self-respect and no power in me. Because I though subconsciously that well, my parents hurt me but they loved me, right? So LOVE=HURT. Of course, it took me a while to re-learn those bad patterns. I apologize for this extremely long post. But this whole thing is turning into a very cathartic experience for me.

 

[MrKind]

So, to wrap this up. I will call her on Monday as planned. I asked the Oracle whether...I should try to talk about the past and old, unresolved topics with her? Hexagram 53.5>52I should not talk about them at all? Hexagram 50.2.4>52Results are very interesting. I have checked several interpretations and to me, it turns out that it will be better for me to NOT talk about it with her at this moment. Hex 52 line 2 'Line 2 Keeping the calves still, one cannot rescue who they follow = the heart is not glad. Changes to (18) Decay. You may want to change another’s direction because you feel that it is incorrect. This can be a situation of co-dependency where there is nothing you can do, although you feel the sadness it brings. If you are unhappy being swept up in the drama, let it go. There is nothing you can do except create the boundaries where you are not owning another’s condition.''Line 4 Keeping the trunk still = no blame. Changes to (56) The Traveler. While you may be over reacting and frenetically searching for a solution, you are coached to remain still and give the mind a rest. Free from external distractions, you can find a sense of peace within. The Traveler’s greatest lesson is finding the home within.'I think this is pretty self-explanatory. It saddens me deeply because that relation is not correct, but I cannot do anything to save her/change her ways and I can only set up my own personal boundaries where she wont be able to blame me for her suffering or try to make me responsible for it.Non-action is the correct action. I must fight against my 'need to act'. Why? I tried to talk with her DOZENS of times. It has never worked. The definition of madness is to do the same thing all over again and expect different results.So, I wont talk with her. I will allow her a choice for herself to step up, though. I will only ask if she want to tell me anything. Final (hopefully) update on this will come tomorrow. Stay tuned and thank you for listening to my boring story

 

[MrKind]

Only one final thing - I was a bit surprised that the Oracle suggested NOT acting in this case. I rather thought that my stubbornness and dedication to not contacting her was probably over the top and I should give her another chance and initiate that discussion which could supposedly resolve something regarding our past. But it turns out it wasn't and I am on the right track. I should not feel guilty of asking her for help, she has work to do if she ever wants normal relation with me, she has to heal herself first. It's not my duty or in my hands anymore.

 

[rosada]

Wishing you all the best for tomorrow!
You might get value from asking the I Ching, "what is the best potential for tomorrow's conversation?" In other words, you're not going to heal everything in one conversation and it may be that just keeping your word that you'll call her is all that can be done successfully now - she might not even be ready to talk about the loan! So having an idea of what is reasonable to shoot for might give you some guideposts.
Also you might ask what to set up for the future. I mean, when you sign off should you agree to keep in closer touch or how should you end the conversation? And the final word can be tricky, "Good-bye"? "I love you"? "Take care"? I find just "Thank you" works well for most everything.

 

[MrKind]

To be honest at this point I would rather avoid any conversations at all all-together. I am tired of always bringing in the initiative. It has to come off from her this time. But I will give her the freedom of choosing so. If she will want to talk, we will talk. If there will be no initiative from her, we won't. Thank you for the wishes I will do my best. Goodbye or I love you - both won't work for me. First is too distant, second- too close. Probably just "take care" or "thank you". Or "let me know when you will figure yourself out"

 

[canislulu]

Thanks for the info. Mr Kind.
I understand the I Ching advising not to talk about the past. I am not sure talking about it will heal it.
It sounds as though distancing yourself has helped with the healing.
And you do say you have forgiven your mother. So it would be OK to communicate that. Forgiving her doesn't mean that you have to continue toxic interactions.
Why not a simple, "I have forgiven you, Mom. Take care." And if she gives you the money, "Thank you."
If you expect the communications to continue to be toxic, that may come true.
What if you visualize a shift to nontoxic interactions? What if you are Already Crossing to the Shock of new nontoxic interactions?
Best wishes for whatever transpires...

 

[MrKind]

At this point I am not interested in having any connection with her. It's like forcing a relation with a distant colleague who you haven't heard from in 10 years. Suddenly he calls you and says he is visiting your city and doesn't have a place to stay. Initially you think 'wow let's invite him into my home' but then you realize he is probably just using you - where he was during the last 10 years?I really don't have any connections with my homeland at this point. Forgiving her... I can only hope she wants forgiveness and not keeping up the contact. Maybe in her toxicity she doesn't care whether I *really* forgive her or not, just whether I keep in touch. We will see. It's hard to even begin talking about anything with her without sounding accusatory, and well... maybe it is good to sound accusatory? Again, time will tell. It's either this or sounding apologetically which is wrong, too. What is funny to notice: I have written an answer to the email she sent me last year. I have never sent it to her, but in that email I still sound very accusatory.This year, I have written another email to her (again, not yet sent). In it, my tone is somewhat less angry, but still in pain.I know it's still too early to resume talking with her. More time will need to pass to heal my wounds. If she wont understand this, its up to her. I wont change my mind. This time is about me and my own healing. Thanks for the tip, I will actually meditate on this [whether I have really forgiven her or not]At this point I have no interest in having any sort of relation with her. And I already tired myself off by putting most of the work in the past to make it a healthier relation. Never worked out.

 

[MrKind]

Okay guys just a slight update on this- I will call her on Friday instead of today due to some arrangements at work. So, I will let you know how it went on Friday.

 

[canislulu]

I guess it is my own wish for nontoxic interactions with my family that leads to the hope of that for you with your mom. I understand your feeling to not want any more contact with your mother. My siblings have made that decision about my Mom and I am starting to come to the same place. I recognize that polarity of being either accusatory or apologetic. Neither seems correct but it is seemingly impossible to find a different way. I think you are right about cutting the umbilical cord. At the same time I think that in spite of all of the pain it is a big thing to have been made alive and even if we don't connect with our parents as adults some degree of gratitude for the fact of their making our existence possible is warranted.

 

[MrKind]

I guess it is my own wish for nontoxic interactions with my family that leads to the hope of that for you with your mom. I understand your feeling to not want any more contact with your mother. My siblings have made that decision about my Mom and I am starting to come to the same place. I recognize that polarity of being either accusatory or apologetic. Neither seems correct but it is seemingly impossible to find a different way. I think you are right about cutting the umbilical cord. At the same time I think that in spite of all of the pain it is a big thing to have been made alive and even if we don't connect with our parents as adults some degree of gratitude for the fact of their making our existence possible is warranted.

I agree with you. The very fact that we were "created" out of our mothers, and we haven't made a conscious choice as to who our parents will be adds to this internal conflict. Yet, if one tried every possible way and the outcome was always negative it is illogical to continue being on the same path behaving in the same way expecting different results. For example, being grateful that my father slept with my mother and created me this way is one thing. But willing to stick around and suffer their toxicity is another. This is an important point. One needs to save, heal and love itself first and foremost. Without this nothing can be really transformed. And if I respect and love myself, I won't allow any toxic people influence my life negatively. Doesn't matter who they are. It's harsh, but it's okay. I am taking care of myself, probably for the first time in my entire life. I was stripped out of such care in the past. It's time to get it back. Now it's my life and finally I have control over my boundaries and people I invite into it. On a more metaphysical side - who knows, probably I have chosen to incarnate in such conditions to learn some important lessons. And the same goes for them. Ultimately, none of us are bad, evil people. Being sick, toxic or lost isn't being evil. It just means being lost. But every single one of us need to find their own way. Well, at least the remaining two of us, as my father commited suicide as I have mentioned before. I can't save her. I can't help her so that she won't need to do anything in order to save her. I had nobody and I am not even interested in any sort of mother-son relation at this point. It's too late. I have learned everything on my own and I can't give her any authority anymore. Well, she was so overcontrolling that this authority was the biggest issue for me to get rid of. Fear of your own parents because they don't allow you to express yourself, is simply wrong. So, no. It won't work. Maybe after 10 years from now? Who knows.

 

[moss elk]

Ultimately, none of us are bad, evil people. Being sick, toxic or lost isn't being evil.

Well, some of us are,
and sometimes it is.

Bad, Mal, Evil, Inferior, toxic.... lots of words.
It all falls down to what someone Does.
Quoting Woody Stump,
"Evil is as evil does."

You don't have to diagnose her.
(although if you foresee there being any kind of interaction with her in the future, you could write down her behaviours only for the purpose of identifying them for self protection.)
You only have to protect yourself from her, and from the anger she triggers in you, and from the impulse to punish her.

I remember reading something wrote about a lamp post.
The lamp post is bent and looks like it is going to fall on pedestrians. Should you hate the lamp post?
No. you should just be awake and recognize the hazards involved without getting emotionally hooked in. (Take measures not to put yourself in under it.)

Your first reading 23>45
Shows her giving you the small loan. (line 5)

P.S. her narcicism has nothing whatsoever to do with you.
It took me 40 years to realize this for myself.

 

[MrKind]

Okay guys, just a quick one. I Ching was right, as usual. Humans (and their hopes) were wrong. I called her today. I shouldn't even touch the topics as Oracle suggested. Wasn't worth it. It ended as usual: by her being accusatory, saying she doesn't see her guilt at all and telling me that I can't talk with her (that I don't know how to talk with her, like a conversation was a monologue and not a dialogue)A typical toxic, codependent relationship. I told her everything from my letter that - when listened by a normal adult person - would touch a heart and be welcomed and understood. Appreciated and acknowledged. I'm feeling this, sorry, s*itty energy in my chest now. The same that made me move out from my own country. Some people aren't just made to be together. I should listen to the Oracle, silly me I'm feeling terrible now. Exactly like before when I was a kid, teenager and then a young adult. I did not mentioned this before, but she has a brother. Let's name him John. So, she and her mother always argued about everything with John. It lasted for years and years. They called him "poison" (I kid you not). I liked him and he was a funny uncle, but after growing up I realized maybe there was something in it. The way my mother shouts at me reminded me of how she shouts at her brother (John) and how her mother (my grandmother) shouts at her son (John). It's just stupid. I tried, I got scalded. I asked her if there's anything she wants to tell me about. She said "nothing" and that there's nothing to talk about. I should end it at that and said 'ok then, bye!' and hang up. But of course I felt like doing something or initiating conversation would be beneficial. I will have this anger in me for who knows how long now. She did not learned anything. She didn't even tried it seems! We should just resume conversation as nothing ever happened - only that I tried multiple times and it always ended in the same way. Me being angry, me being hurt. If you could not get a healthy relation with somebody during first 21 years of your life, guess what ? You probably wont get it. Ever.She also said stupid stuff like "what should I do then, drink alcohol with your father?" - like there were only two choices, be a bad toxic parent and drink with my father... seriously.. or "I was a victim" - indeed, agreed on that. We all were. But she was an adult. She was a parent. I was only a child. I told her she should get a therapist. She was also unable to tell me why I said to her before that she should not try to contact me. She said that 'she doesn't feel guilty'. So I asked why she wrote in her e-mail from last May that "she apologizes for everything and how she can't stand me not contacting her" - she replied that 'well maybe you wanted me to say sorry to you' - ?!?!?!?!!? What the hell?! and that 'I was the first one who called' ... I asked if she went to a therapist - silence. Told her that she should print my old letters to her and show to some therapist so maybe he will be able to explain it to her. Of course now I have a very well known feelings of guilt - that she is somehow right, that it is MY fault and I don't know how to talk about her, or maybe when I tried for the 100000 time it would work out. Classic toxic relationship. Gaslighting.So, yeah. I swear I won't ignore I Ching anymore Well, it's not that I have ignored it.. I just hoped for the better. Not worth it. This relation is dead for me. Going to do some yoga now, I need to shrug off this BS. Thanks everyone. Moss Elk. You are right. ''You only have to protect yourself from her, and from the anger she triggers in you, and from the impulse to punish her. '' this is so spot on. I was doing very good. I can only hope this small mistake won't put me back in my healing too much.

 

[MrKind]

And it sounded like 'well I was a victim' like she was trying to say ' I was suffering, you should suffer too!' - she never ever acknowledged my pain or that I was hurt or suffering. Ever. I will be closing this, I might try in 2-3 years again but seeing how nothing has changed and how she is stuck in the old patterns when I am doing massive progress doesn't look good for the future. I always know that I am alone, I was alone and well, nothing changed. At least I don't have any guilt to be living the way I am now. There's simply no other choice. The rest doesn't matter.

 

[MrKind]

I also asked the Oracle: What should I do to get myself back in shape after that conversation with my mother? got: Hexagram 49.4>63Any interpretations are welcomed

 

[canislulu]

I would say the answer to the "What should my attitude be towards my mother?" Hexagram 47 was advising you to enclose yourself and protect yourself from you are mother. You are not so much a branch of your family tree as a fruit of the tree growing your own tree in your own space. Go deep into your own space and rely on finding your own Well. (47 inspiring 48)

And so 49.4 > 63 is to trust yourself and your decision to avoid your mother. Your aversion to the reality will go away.

 

[MrKind]

Thank you. It is a very interesting metaphor - you're right. I am not a branch connected. I am a separate fruit. Growing my own tree. Completely changes the whole perspective kudos.

 

[MrKind]

After that phone call I realized one thing - for her and her current worldview any talking about the past is wrong and I should feel guilty/ashamed of willing to talk about it. We should "continue as like nothing happened".She is completely missing the fact that I have tried this approach many times. The past was always lurking there like a giant hydra with plenty of heads, coming out at various moments. Even if it would not, then she would still be the very same person with the same personality that allowed all of that abuse to happen and participated an active role in her own abuse. She didn't changed a bit. Her approach was "its not my fault, I am not a fault, I was a victim, I raised him the best I could" ("protecting from everything" - thats what she literally said.. everything.. including stuff that I should not be protected from, heh) and this is the end of the problem. She hates when someone (me) tries to confront her world view saying "well, hello - you did wrong, admit it! I was only a kid!" I told her about everything, in a calm peaceful way - but she never addressed anything. Just lied, repulsed, denied. Accused me instead trying to install feelings of shame and guilt ,that the fault is at MY side. I had a feeling that if I talked with her more, she could say that "I was the bad kid" or something like that (happened often when I was living with her, obviously)- and how "I was the same as my father" - total nonsense) So, lesson for me- its pointless to write long letters to her trying to get a closure, or explain, or anything. At no point she said "son, I hear you. I hear you when you say you were having nightmares every night for 10 years.. it must've been horrible.. I understand you when you say this and that, I feel you, I know your suffering..." anything like that. Nope. It's pointless because it is HER who should be doing that to gain MY trust. Not the other way around. I haven't done anything wrong. The whole moving out of the country and all was only so that I could SAVE myself. It's them who are at fault, and forgiving isn't changing anything. I still would not want any contact with her. It wasn't me. I was just a kid. Now it's time to take care of that inner kid and heal it completely. Without any contact with that poison she's generating. Consciously or not, it's still a poison.

 

[rosada]

I'm thinking 47 in response to your question, "What should be my attitude towards my mother?" could be telling you to consider her a tough nut to crack!!

Looking again at 63. After Completion as a comment on your relationship with your mother. I think first off it is saying your mother/child relationship has completed. 63.2 seems to describe the toxic environment and the huge effort of dedication cleansing your past impressions will require. 63.4 Silk cloths turning into rags to save a sinking ship suggests to me that you not waste your good years trying to rebuild the relationship. 63.5 and the words about making a small offering suggest to me that making small gestures are appropriate - as in a card at Christmas and a card on Mother's Day.
These lines lead to hexagram 51. Shock which means birth according to some. I also see it as meaning breaking up a past pattern.
From your recent posting even small gestures like the greeting cards may be inappropriate. Perhaps burning a candle and asking for peace and healing is as close to her as you should get. But even that may be too much. Maybe in three years! Meanwhile...

You ask how to re-center yourself now. 49.4 seems amazingly on point. It basically is saying "Be here now." Leading to 63 again, "After Completion". So consider that you've completed the pre-birth agreement and don't let the past pull on you any longer. Now that you have completed that drama look around at how to put your life in order for what comes next. 63 is like saying "After you have completed moving out of your old house now you have to put things in order for your new one."

Story for what ever it's worth:
For many years I felt very bitter towards my father. Then as I got older and away from his negativity good things started happening for me - really good things, finding the I Ching, true love, delightful children. I went from being angry with Dad to feeling really, really sad that here this man had these wonderful blessings - what joy his family could have given him! - and instead he was unable to connect with any of it. I wanted the best for him but I couldn't give him anything But in the end something miraculous happened. I was the one with him when he died. I held his head in my arms and sang him to "sleep". In my inner being I saw him look about the room to see that everything was in order, then a window opened in this inner vision, and he stepped out into the stars. I opened my eyes and he was gone. He'd died peacefully and it was an incredible experience for me.
I'm so glad I didn't sever the ties with him during his lifetime although if I'd stayed close to him I not only couldn't have helped him but I would have gone insane.
Likewise, you have been so blessed to have found the I Ching. I sure encourage you to keep up your study!

Best wishes,
rosada

 

[MrKind]

For me, peace cannot be achieved without understanding. And even if *I* do understand her, she doesn't make any effort to understand *me* and from where I am coming from. I can't be her therapist. Due to this it's not going to work.I was telling this story to my friend, and I said to her those thing my mother told me and realized how ridiculous they were sounding in my mouth. If I said those things to my friend, for example, she would be angry at me or not willing to talk anymore. But of course due to the polarity me being a 'son' and my mother being well, my mother I still sometimes feel tension inside of me as if I should treat her words more seriously. As if they carried on heavier weight. The same weight that was simply pulling me down in life.Thankfully due to all the hard work I'm putting in my new 'house' is almost in perfect order! Just need to find better job and a true healthy great new friends. It was touching to read your story, Rosada. It is truly beautiful. Couldn't with for a better closure myself! It feels like you certainly were blessed and able to heal each other on a much deeper level whilst being able to do it in this way.The friend I told the story about my mum - her both parents died, they were also toxic to some level and her mother passed away but she didn't make it to meet her before death (she was visiting her often beforehand many times, though!). She is still not able to cut the umbilical cord and I see how she's felling guilty about all this. I can only hope she will be able to see that in order to let go, one must first learn how to love and respect himself. Your words about the need to keep the healthy distance from your father, without completely severing the ties are very right. We must give the people space so that they can heal (and not hurt ourselves in the process!). It's so simple!I like the idea with the candle. I am often using candles in my home. Recently started using crystals, too. It's all connected. And it's all about the energy. Actually, my mother wrote me an e-mail today. I asked I Ching whether I shouldn't read it? Hexagram 32 (Unchanging)Or whether I should read it? Hexagram 26.1.2.3.4>35 I need to ground myself more and continue on my path. I have chosen to not read it. It's sad, but I've tried the other option in the past. It was all just going around in circles. I cannot afford to repeat the same mistakes all over. She will get another chance from me, but not now. Hopefully she can learn & heal herself. But that's out of my control. Thank you for your kind words and sharing your incredible story!