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diagnosis of my relationship 50 > 61 and in depth questioning

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flipflops

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If anyone would be kind enough to comment on my reading's I'd appreciate it. I've been turning my self inside out the last few days.. feeling very anxious, upset and unsettled.

I met a man in March who I felt an intense connection with and it seemed the feeling was mutual - our coming together radically re-directed the course of my life and I believed we had a promising future together, I felt there was good communication, a deep connection and was really grateful we had found each other..the future seemed hopeful.

Things seemed to have changed.. it seems he makes little time in his life for me now.. he has 2 teenaged sons who he sees most weekends (and I have not been invited to meet them) when we meet he comes to me.. I have got into the habit of cooking etc so there is little going out into the world together.. his home and life feel closed to me. If I didn't know better I would feel like the other woman..He has met some of my friends and family though I have not met any of his - I should note here that he did suggest it once or twice though it seemed to be more out of a sense of feeling that he should (and hoping that I wouldn't) rather than really inviting me.. I don't know.. perhaps I have not helped things.

Initially he was very considerate and would tell me about his plans - if he was busy with his boys the following weekend - he'd let me know ahead of time so I could make other plans.. now he doesn't give me any warning, so I never know whether he is free or not.. we don't make arrangements from one meeting to the next. He may stay over then get up early and leave and I am left feeling quite sad and lonely for the rest of the weekend (along with the washing up). I should probably just get on with my life and make plans.. though with the backdrop of this story it's quite disillusioning as I feel I have given up a great deal to be with him - under some influence from him to do so.. I sent him a message on Saturday night (he'd left early that morning) saying that - it seemed to me that he had little space in his life for me.. or rather that I got what little was left over.. and that I didn't feel great about things.. I asked if we could chat in the week.. he replied straight away and said: "sure, no problem xx" which was responsive though seemed to lack consideration for my feelings and sensitivity. I have strong feelings for this man, have pinned a lot on the relationship (perhaps unwisely) and whilst I don't want to make a rash decision and end things because I would be very sad.. I don't want to be the lady in waiting or somebodies side dish..I also know that for me once I lose respect for the way someone conduct's themselves it's almost impossible to regain.. this is all knocking my self esteem.

here are my readings - sorry I lost my book with the line interpretations so my interpretations are lacking:

diagnosis of my relationship with X
50 > 61
(I lost a note of the changing lines)
something's gone wrong but it's not a bad thing that this has occurred.. it is asking us to look at how committed we are to each other?

qualification of my position
30.6 > 55

qualification of his position
28.2.3.5 > 16

outlook for the relationship
28.3 >47

likely outcome for the relationship
28.3.5 > 40

advice for me
48.2.3.5 > 2

should I stay invested in this relationship with x?
29.1.6 > 61
(This seems particularly depressing)

from the overall picture of the castings - it seems that the picture doesn't look too hopeful? that there could be a way to pull it back.. I don't know.. I do not want to take the lead, in this regard I am old school though at this stage now.. there's nothing to lose - so any advice on best course of action for me now I'd appreciate.

Many thanks
 

radiofreewill

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Hi flipflops,

50.1.3.4.5 to 61 ~ Great good fortune, if you are willing to persevere through years of his split responsibilities.

30.6 to 55 ~ What you are seeing is shocking but true.

28.2.3.5 to 16 ~ He is over-burdened by his sons (.2 and .3) and his ex (.5), and his ex is calling the shots (16).

28.3 to 47 ~ There will be a disaster along the way.

28.3.5 to 40 ~ He might have an affair.

48.2.3.5 to 2 ~ Your choice, for the foreseeable future, is between a package deal consisting of your man, his two sons, and the ex, or taking care of yourself?

29.1.6 to 61 ~ It will be good in the beginning and good in the end, but will require mutual sincerity to make it through in between.

So, you don't have to take the lead, but you do want to be proactive in understanding the situation ~ before you feel trapped...

Honestly, this is setting up to be a tough slog, and possibly a long, thankless, tough slog ~ but, he might be worth it to you?

At the least, you'll want to have a *real* discussion with him about how he sees the next 5-10 years going?

Good luck and I hope this helps!
 
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flipflops

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Dear Radiofreewill - I have not quite understood the set up on the forum and didn't receive notification of your response - for which I am truly grateful (I will work on editing my settings).

Your analysis is remarkable and in line with developments..

What I was seeing was shocking but true! My instincts told me something wasn't right.. I didn't hear back from him regarding meeting to talk and meanwhile tied myself in knots (am also in process of another potential house move with no checking in from him about how that was going which felt really rubbish..) so I pushed for a meeting (he lives 5 minutes away..) and he said he could manage it the following weekend! I responded by asking if he was really telling me he didn't have a few minutes for his supposed girl friend who lives round the corner and is upset.. and he said he could manage a 'quick' drink that evening.. I was so fraught by then my dearest friend gave me a diazepam she had from a previous medical procedure (!) and I went feeling composed (bulletproof pretty much - better watch not to get hooked on those) to address everything on my mind... including the fact I had forfeited the opportunity to try and have a child for this relationship whilst remaining in a monogamous outpost.. meanwhile he attended to everything else that was seemingly more important.. he dropped into the conversation he'd had a round of golf with his brother the day before - so the fact he could only manage a 'quick' drink further emphasised his lack of care/interest.. he said he wanted to make it work though.. and would be more communicative so i could make plans ahead when he was off the radar etc.. we left it there.. and then I didn't hear from him.. again a few days later I pressed to say how upset I was (AKA. why no follow up effort?).. and he ended the relationship by text.. I was at a work meeting and cried (which was embarrassing) . Oh dear.. then I called him in an attempt to maintain some kind of dignity and to say good bye in person with respect for the time we have had together.. he sounded like was shaking on the phone...(I called from a number he didn't recognise) he said he'd realised how unfair a relationship was on me and how I deserved much more than he could offer.. I said all I was looking for was some communication so that seemed a bit odd and perhaps in fact he just wasn't that into me?? that i would rather he was just honest.. he said no - not at all.. that he was really into me and it was because he cared so much..we left it there, said goodbye - I had a truly shocking weekend of grief.. we then reconnected (via text again) on Sunday and agreed to meet this week (tomorrow) to see if we could work it through...

meanwhile I woke up this morning with a word in my head like it was sent to me: 'duplicitous' and was guided to download again the dating app we had originally connected through.. there he was - with new photos, an age of 44 (not 51) which he is and with photos of himself that he had sent to me the previous week.. newly edited profile... a photo of him coming out of the shower.. serious mid-life crisis stuff (looking strangely like Bon Jovi!) (you were spot on with - 28.3.5 to 40 ~ He might have an affair). I took screen shots and forwarded them to him.. he denied he had anything to do with it!! said his business partner's son had taken his phone and edited his profile (which he told me he had deleted when we got together).. oh my goodness the delusion... so I called him - got mad... and then managed to regain some decorum and send a more heart felt but short goodbye.. Phew what a morning.. he said I will probably never believe him about the profile but that it's true and his business partners son accessed his photo library and played around (this could drive me nuts trying to work out if credible or not) and that I was very special and he wished me every happiness etc etc .. (sorry for SUCH long note...) Your interpretation was spot on!!! perhaps now I am the 29.1.6 to 61 though we HAVE ended this now..
so why... oh why am I STILL wondering if we'll work this through???? I think I might have managed to fall in love with a man in the middle of a mid-life crisis, post divorce re-constructing a self image and looking for sex online...
 

radiofreewill

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Thanks for updating, flipflops!

You know, I saw a Harvard Psychology study recently that said we humans tend to size each other up almost instantaneously based on answering two questions: Do I trust this person, and can I respect this person?

All of us tend to get cognitive dissonance, however, when the person who is acting insensitively towards us is, at the same time, telling us that they really care about us...and our tendency is to want to know with certainty what the truth is, so we can have some closure.

I have known people who spent extraordinary amounts of time and energy either to catch a duplicitous partner 'red-handed', or to avoid getting caught ~ but sometimes it seems clear enough with something like the dating profile update that you already know the answers to the trust and respect questions without having to look into it further.

I think you can trust what you're seeing, even though it's shocking, and be glad to be free of that?

Keep looking and stay true to your integrity ~ and everything will work out!

all best
 
F

flipflops

Guest
Thank you for responding radiofreewill!!

No, I don't trust this person.. though I knew something was 'off' and my tendency is always try and give the benefit of the doubt which often doesn't serve me... I feel more ease in my whole being now though - which is a good thing. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond - it's good to keep things simple sometimes isn't it.. I liked the article and those 2 questions..

Do I trust this person..? I shall be asking myself this question as I keep looking..

Many thanks,
S
 

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