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Divorce Settlement?

K

ktb123

Guest
Hello All,

I am, as always, resistant to ask for help. Story of my life. I've been consulting for almost a year now, have spent alot of time on this website, reading, absorbing, trying to understand, and I still consider myself a novice. I'm biting the bullet and asking for help - something I need to learn to do more of...

I am separated from my husband since last Sept, as a result of an affair that I chose to have after 14 years of marriage. I am alone now, and have been since last November. The affair made me realize the problems that were present in the marriage, and I literally just walked away, with very few possessions.

I have been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse, as well as one incident of physical abuse, the night I left, that was witnessed by our two children (girls). I did not like my husband, nor did I love him, and I know that he felt that.

Since I have left, I have purchased my own place, have improved my relationship with my girls (9 and 13) - one of which is chronically ill - perhaps another source of stress in the family - as I am a healthcare provider, and her primary caregiver. I provide them which much more stability than I have ever been able to before. I have become the Mom that I always wanted to be. I am still struggling...with the whole "being alone" thing, and financially, although I was the breadwinner of the family.

I have helped him financially (significantly) throughout the past year, and have been more than fair. He has the family home, which he has not been able to refinance in the past year, and can barely afford, but wants more time. He also made two payments late (over 30 days), and has damaged my credit (as well as his own). He also wants child support, which I basically have no say in...it just has to be.

The value of the house has gone up...significantly, but also has had termites (fixed). He also has an antique car that he recently sold, and I happen to know that he sold it for much more than he admitted to me (titled in my name).

I have put together a property settlement agreement with my attorney, this past May...stating basically he keeps what he has, I keep what I have. I only have the townhouse that I purchased last Sept, which has minimal equity, and 2 retirement plans...all of which adds up to approx. 50% of what he has, by my estimation...could be more, could be less. My income is almost twice his, though. It has been 5 months, but he has not accepted the property settlement (or at least has not signed it), because he wants more time to try to refinance the house (to lower the payment).

Our court date is not until 3/06, so it will have to go to court and be decided on by a judge unless we can come to some agreement before then.

I know this is wordy, just want everyone to fully understand my position, so I can have the full value of your insight...

My questions...

(1) What will the outcome be if I nullify our present property settlement, and go after the value of the house and the antique car?
14.1.4<22

(2) What if I let things go, the way they are (give him more time)?
22.4.6<55

(3) What is the best option?
37.3<42

I have some ideas as to what this is saying, but as a novice...I'm not really comfortable with my own interpretation. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks!
 
B

bruce

Guest
Hi Ktb,

I'll go straight to "what is the best option", while taking your other readings into consideration.

The best option is the one which works best for all concerned. Part of you, at least, is in the material possessions mode. I don't think the Yi places the same emphasis as we do when considering those "things". The issue seems more about how best to live happily in your new paradigm. That, more than anything, means being happy with yourself, and that partly depends on the decisions you?ve made and actions you?ve taken, or not taken. Adornments (22) and material power may help, but that is something for you to ultimately decide (55). Where your heart is, so are your treasures (14). It?s well at such times to examine our motives carefully.
 
K

ktb123

Guest
Hi Bruce,

I appreciate your response, it makes sense. Perhaps I am looking at things greedily, but only in the sense that by selling the house, we both stand to benefit financially. I don't want more "things", I want debt relief, and I want this monkey off my back. I want a new start. I don't hate him, I don't want to see him fail.I have spent the last year doing some true soul-searching, and I have forgiven him for his transgressions, but better yet, I have forgiven me for my own. I just don't think that I need to pay his way anymore...but he does, of course, as he is still very angry. Still not quite sure what to do...

Does anyone else see something here?
 
B

bruce

Guest
I think I understand, Ktb, and I'd feel, or have felt very much the same way.

What I see in your readings are a lot of 22, and 55 always jumps out as saying - Decide!

14 could also be saying "take possession". The prerequisite being, "if it is yours". If it's still "ours", then a tactful (22) but orderly way of proceeding clears things up.

Best to you. I can relate to what you're going through.
 

luz

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One question that I think helps clarify the situation: your daughters still live with him? (because you mention child support)
If that is the case, I think you might be a little torn between not letting him get his way at your expense and making sure that they still have their old home?
 
K

ktb123

Guest
Good point, Lightangel...We share custody. I think that they do need to know whom their father is, so I do not want full custody...and truthfully, I know that the time that I am away from them helps me "rebuild" so that I can be my best when I am with them.

I have toyed with what you are suggesting in the past. But I also know that a house is not a home. I have created a home for them here, but if we were'nt here, there would be someplace else to call home.

But perhaps it's still in the cobwebs of my self-conscious, something to think about.

Kirstan
 

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