domestic violence 49.4>63

[goddessliss]

Hello,

My exhusband is in a domestic violent relationship. This upsets me and makes me very sad for him but I do not get involved or have anything to do with him.

However twice this week our son has 'witnessed' this domestic violence through telephone calls with his father in which he heard the phone get dropped and the going ons after that. Last night he was so upset and asked me to call the police but was concerned about his father getting into trouble - I do know this is a case of the woman being the perpertrator and he the victim.

Anyway it has been going on for over 2 years in which my son has witnessed things and been emotionally distraught but there is not a lot I can do except sort my son. This is not fair on him or me amongst other things.

I asked why does exhusband stay in this relationship Hex 49.4>63

How does his relationship affect our son Hex 30.1.2>50

Our son has actually said - well what I learn from dad is what NOT to do in your life.

thku some insight would be helpful as I just don't get why he stays in this horrible situation.

Melissa x

 

[chingching]

How does his relationship affect our son Hex 30.1.2>50

Our son has actually said - well what I learn from dad is what NOT to do in your life.

my first reaction to 30 >50 was well he'll be the kind of persopn who will have a lot of understanding from these experoences, seeing those things, in bright clarity will shape him. and give him depth. also the lines give a sense of having perception about these experiences and in the end being something valuable a bright yellow bird.

I suppose in a way too it could be metaphorically seen as fire in the pot, like in alchemy a strong alembic can contain and transform volitile energies.

also when you look at all the transitional hexes you arrive at 50 via 56.2 and 50's fan yao of that is:

The cauldron is richly filled. My companion is afflicted. Not able to reach me. Auspicious.

Perhaps I'm mixing too many methods into the one pot but something about it fits for me from the way you've written about the situation.

...and knowing what not to do is extremely useful!!!

 

[pocossin]

I asked why does exhusband stay in this relationship Hex 49.4>63

Fighting is a kind of excitement. For some, it is the only time they are sincere.

Nine in the fourth place means:
Remorse disappears. Men believe him.
Changing the form of government brings good fortune.

Domestic violence is a way of changing the form of government in the family.

 

[Trojina]

Hello,

My exhusband is in a domestic violent relationship. This upsets me and makes me very sad for him but I do not get involved or have anything to do with him.

However twice this week our son has 'witnessed' this domestic violence through telephone calls with his father in which he heard the phone get dropped and the going ons after that. Last night he was so upset and asked me to call the police but was concerned about his father getting into trouble - I do know this is a case of the woman being the perpertrator and he the victim.

Anyway it has been going on for over 2 years in which my son has witnessed things and been emotionally distraught but there is not a lot I can do except sort my son. This is not fair on him or me amongst other things.

I asked why does exhusband stay in this relationship Hex 49.4>63

How does his relationship affect our son Hex 30.1.2>50

Our son has actually said - well what I learn from dad is what NOT to do in your life.

thku some insight would be helpful as I just don't get why he stays in this horrible situation.

Melissa x

Wouldn't the police just laugh ?

I mean being a man he is presumably bigger and stronger than her ? unless he is a very small man and she is a very big woman....so he could overpower her if he wanted...or simply go. I think it would be seen as a waste of police time and would make him look very silly. He is a grown man afterall.

I can't see its your problem as to why he stays with her....he wants to I presume or he wouldn't...being a free adult man.


perhaps the best thing for your son is to appreciate his father is freely choosing this and is not any kind of victim here.

I think it would be better to show this does not make you sad, why should it ?...he isn't a victim and he wants to be with someone like this. People are like that...perverse sometimes and we never can understand dynamics in couples She isn't holding him captive


Perhaps your son would be better simply to stay away if it upsets him or just ask his father contacts him when shes not there..or they meet out somewhere. He doesn't have to be involved in this really...maybe you could show him he doesn't have to be involved and that his dad is not a victim...but if your son picks up on your ideas about his dad being a helpless victim etc thats going to impact on him negatively...perhaps more negatively than the 'violence' between him and his new woman.


Oops nothing to do with the readings....I suppose re 45.4 you might take it that when he has had enough he'll go


Re the 30.1.2 ...I dunno since I think this is more down to your attitude to his fathers situation. It isn't the case that a bad woman is holding him there so surely it would be empowering for your son to see that ?


I guess I think your son can easily get caught up in the undercurrents going on between you and your husband or what you think about your husbands life. I think your son should be able to be as free of it all as possible...it isn't his problem, he shouldn't have to deal with any of it...so if it upsets him this much it may just be down to meeting his dad in a cafe or something on his own without the woman there. Not calling their home...andif asked why he can just say it upsets him.

Your son soon will have fully his own life, hes 16 isn't he ? What his dad chooses to do and what you think of his dads relationship shouldn't be troubling him much IMO and its a pity that it does since its absolutely not his problem

Maybe 30.2 shows him going his own way with clarity...away from all the mess

 

[Trojina]

What I don't understand Melissa is how you always know the state of your exes relationship ? You know when they fight and when they make up and you knew they'd been driving without tax and so on.

Do you get all this information via your son ? I 'm thinking you may do because you haven't talked much to your ex...or maybe you get the info through friends

I'm just thinking along the lines of the boy having the function of being a sort of 'spy in the camp' and the ramifications it may have on him...which is why i think he'd be better really having some good distance from this. I think it may be better for you to to not know about the ups and downs of your exes relationship...it doesn't allow you closure and keeps you engaging with it...butmore importantly keeps the boy in the midst of it all ?

No offence intended, I know you would want whats best for your son but sometimes these things can just develop without anyone intending them to. just wondering if its time to call a halt to it all ?


Probably I have wrong end of stick here....but just wanted to air that thought because I do feel for your son right now, he shouldn't have to get upset about this and I agree with you its a priority to try to minimise his distress about this...just thinking of the best way to do it.

I don't see how understanding why the ex stays with woman will ease the boys distress....all I see is why does he have to be landed with all this anyway...his parents issues aren't his issues

If he is afraid and upset enough to call the police re a woman attacking his father then something is very wrong...and its not the relationship of his dad to the woman...its your sons relationship to the situation. As far as I am concerned his dad can do what he wants....who cares , hes a grown up...but your son needs his teenage time without all this

 

[goddessliss]

thks chingching
my first reaction to 30 >50 was well he'll be the kind of persopn who will have a lot of understanding from these experiences, seeing those things, in bright clarity will shape him. and give him depth. also the lines give a sense of having perception about these experiences and in the end being something valuable a bright yellow bird.

Yes my son is all these things you describe here and not long ago he said was going to a hardcore rock concert and so I said I wasn't comfortable with it because of the idiots that get to those things and he said 'mum, you know I always think about things so I can be clear on exactly what I am doing' and he was right and I then knew it was my own fears. He decided to go the the concert but on the day he changed his mind and didn't go!
He is a fine musician and about 4 weeks ago he was ousted from a band that had become very much his focal point in life. At the same moment he was in tears about it he was actually saying it was a good thing as he was actually writing and learning to record his own material and since then hasn't written and recorded two songs with the help of his brother who lives in Perth, we live in NSW. The wonders of technology!
The same day that happened he got a job at a local supermarket and they have just offered him more shifts and he is studying for his coxswain certificate. Whilst a lot of his friends are in and out of relationships he just says nope, I'll know the right one for me when I meet her.

thks pocossin - Domestic violence is a way of changing the form of government in the family.
Can you elaborate on that - do you mean it's a bit like, I want to be in charge, no I want to be in charge, no me, I want to be charge etc.

trojan thku - yes you are right about many things here. My son just wants to spend time with his father although he sees the reality of him as well.
Part of my studies last year was on domestic violence and how sometimes the perpatrator can sometimes be the woman despite the physical size of the man. But your words got me thinking - yes he can walk away anytime he really just does not have the courage, in himself not specifically in regards to this situation, he really is a man that lacks courage.

No, no spy in the camp happening my son just comes home and tells me things or he makes arrangements to see his father and all of a sudden that changes, like them getting caught with an unregistered vehicle.
At present my son has just sold his trailbike to buy a road bike so as I know nothing about bikes him and his dad did that between them and today they were going to go and look at roadbike to buy together. Sadly, because I happened to ring him up for the first time in 2years the other day his partner did not like it and this is the reason for the new spat of domestic violence so now his father has said he can't come because of that. Huh?

I am just sad for exhusband because I knew him for 18 years and still care about what happens for him in his life. For a long time I was angry, amongst other feelings, for his lack of courage and his appalling behaviour and there is no excuse, like you pointed out he is an adult but I try my best not to judge others and show compassion as best I can.
I think I have mentioned before that although I wish to understand things through the insight of Yi and I also value your opinion.

Liss x

 

[bamboo]

It seems as though Tom hit the nail on the head. Your husband stays perhaps to change the government, right now he is in a state of being abused and trodden upon. he needs to find his voice.

Domestic violence can be very misunderstood when it comes to woman vs man. The woman CAN be the perpetrator and the physical abuse is just as degrading, dispiriting and destructive. If a man has assumed the victim role, he is beaten. And to try and use physical force as a defense not only drags him down to that level, but also assures that he will probably end up in jail or at the least in court, where he would be doubly victimized. Women can also be prosecuted, too, but men are usually embarassed to press charges because of the stigma of being a wimp. BUt I know a woman who was prosecuted and was sentenced to a school for batterers. She lost her job because of it. Just because men usually have superior physical strength doesnt mean that they can just "walk away" when they feel like it. It isnt so easy. In the same way that women often dont walk away either....Both sexes in this situation NEED to learn how to find their voice and self-respect.

 

[goddessliss]

Thankyou bamboo this is exactly what I learnt in class and unfortunately he has already ended up in court because of this woman.
I have heard from more than person about the truth of his situation although I did not go looking for it, we live in a small town and the information got back to me.
Apparently my unexpected phone call to him totally upset his equalibrium (emotional and mental I'm assuming). He never took the time to overcome the breakdown of our marriage going straight in to his now relationship of over 2 years now so I am assuming he hasn't sorted all that out in himself.
We didn't break up because we didn't love each other we broke up because his addictions had become out of control.
I am not sure there is anything that I can do to help him short of kidnapping him and leaving no trace for her to find. She is someone who would hunt until she found him and apparently leaves a path of destruction wherever she goes. I have been a 'victim' of her harrassement and bullying via txt messages although I have never ever met her or spoken to her. In the end I had to seek police assistance who physically went around and spoke to her.
My boys put up with her so they can spend time with their dad but they have said she is an absolute nutcase.
She is a migrant to Australia and is anti-government and refuses to get her car license but freely drives around, she has tried to sue a number of people since being Australia, she refuses medicare and was in an accident that required an operation that cost $10,000 and tried to sue someone to pay for the damages so she would not have to pay the costs/s. Her family back home finance her to stay in Australia so that she does not return home because they have had enough of her - she is 43 y.o. old.
Sorry raving on.....but again I am just saying it is upsetting to see someone you once shared your life with living the life he is. : - <

 

[sooo]

disclaimer: as I see it

How does his relationship affect our son Hex 30.1.2>50

Our son has actually said - well what I learn from dad is what NOT to do in your life.

These, together, make a lot of sense. Makes me think your son possesses intelligence, and can overcome his blood ties to a poor example of how he wants to be. But I imagine it has to be an inner struggle for him, who wants to look up to his father, who seems to, for whatever reason, be drawn into the current of drama. That is not what your son wants to be. Here, the cow of 30 image comes to mind, in a dry humorous way. Great that he can discriminate. Shows real 50 in his character.

 

[goddessliss]

Thankyou sooo, I apppreciate you replying as it is a confirmation of where I believe he is at and reassurance to me that he is emotionally ok. He is moving through his life as a confident young man, who is very interested and engaged in life showing absolutely know signs of any interest in alcohol or drugs, so I guess that is also confirmation that he is ok. As his mum I like to know that he is fine.
I think the only reason he gets drawn in is he wants to make sure that his dad is alright.
Years ago when his father used to drink and drive my son used to want to get in the car with him because he believed if he was with his dad, his dad would be safe.
Now of course he understands.
xx

 

[ontheroad]

Over 10 years since I made this post.
Exhusband is still in that relationship and nothing's improved apparently. My son and his brother make jokes about planning her demise (absolutely hate her) but tolerate her to maintain a relationship with their dad.
My son, mentioned in this thread, is a successful, socially adept man who appears to be thriving in all aspects of his life.
I still haven't seen or spoken to my exhusband and it's been 13 years since we divorced. There's no ill will or anomisty between us and apparently he still asks the boys how I'm going.