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edgar

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My life exploded in the last few weeks into fragments. I met on line a wonderful woman and our simpatico was enormous. she lived in Atlanta Georgia and I in NYC. We could not stop connecting with one another and I was shocked by how well we found each other's company. Understand that have never heard her voice nor her mine but we seemed to wonderfully want to be in each other's company. Part of our connection was addiction. I am a recovering alcoholic and she was a former porn star. She was famous in Europe and was exhausted by her life style and began her own recovery of sorts where she stopped drinking on her own. I might add she is a transvestite or more specifically a transgender person.

I was and still am drawn to this life style in fact I am bisexual. When I was a teenager and raised in a middle America of the '50 gay was out of the question. In fact a transvestite fell in love with me in my college days and my mother said stop that! In fact later in recovery when I was considering transitioning my therapist said stop that! What I am driving at is that I DON'T WANT TO STOP THAT now that I am in my 60's.

My marriage is a wonderful relationship of two friends that almost never have sex. My wife is my best friend but I am not and have really been drawn to her sexually. I have been searching outside the marriage and it does not suit me to live a double life and I am stopping it. But the transvestitism's my preference and I want to admit it to the world. I am in love with this woman I met on line. It turns out that she is a leading internet porn shemale and escort of the very highest paid. But that is not where we met she a simple conservative posting about being a transvestite and wanted meet a man for a serious long term relationship.

This same woman gave up her past life got sober and has become a senior member of a software development company who only answers to the CEO. We were seriously falling in love and there was no sexual contact between us as yet and no cyber inappropriateness. Except she never told me she had leukemia and that I met her at the last stages of her life. she did not want to bring me down. We had two chat sessions and a number of beautiful emails and last week she died. I was informed by email by her next door neighbor. He has become my only link to her. I am devastated. I have informed my wife that I am bi but have not acted on it.

I asked the Yi before my "friend" died is this woman someone I can love? and I got: 44.4. I am in need of an interpretation of this hexagram but it is so sad she is gone. Now I am wondering if I can use the Yi to contact her on another plan.
I am really deep into this it sounds like a movie.
 

dobro p

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"I asked the Yi before my "friend" died is this woman someone I can love? and I got: 44.4. I am in need of an interpretation of this hexagram but it is so sad she is gone. Now I am wondering if I can use the Yi to contact her on another plan."

44.4 talks about how the course of action you're either considering or presently involved in is completely without value, and how it involves misfortune. This matches your experience.

As for contacting her on another plane: this isn't the Yi talking, this is just me, but my understanding is that the dead have their work to do and we have ours, and there's not much sense in trying to bridge the gap - you'll bridge it in a more natural, useful way yourself in good time. My understanding (and this is intellectual with me, cuz it's so hard to actually carry out) is that when someone dies, you have to let go, or learn to let go, or know that despite how you're feeling, letting go is the appropriate action that life requires of you now. There's something about gently letting go when the time requires it that is so completely in tune with things. Good luck with it.
 

edgar

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Thank you Dobro but I do have some questions about the word "misfortune". Is this "misfortune" because she is or was dying when I began our contact or because she was a transexual? And two there are very inportant people in my life here in NYC who believe firmly that I can communicate on another level with the spirits of those who once were here. CF Joseph Campbell's lectures on the Masks of God... I am not so sure but there seems to be a hidden christian agenda to your answer.
 

dobro p

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Misfortune means things turn out badly, plain and simple. That might be on a physical level, on a mental/emotional level, or on a spiritual level.

You asked the Yi if she was someone you could love. The Yi let you know that if you loved her, it would be unfortunate. It was.

There is no hidden Christian agenda to the second part of my response to your query about communicating with the dead. I'm not a Christian. My response was based purely on things I've experienced and read, on my understanding of what's involved in that area.

So, now that you know that there's no hidden agenda in that part of my response, Christian or otherwise, does it make it any more palatable to you?
 

pargenton

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Hi Edgar,
I'm sorry for the situation, but regarding the interpretation of hex 44.4, I had an insight, that is the "no fish in the wrapper" could be referred to the actual fact you did not meet her in "real world", if I understand correctly there were only emails and chat, not even a phone call.
So the 44.4 could indicate just that, an attraction but no real encounter "no fish".
Peace
Paolo
 

jte

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Edgar, your story is genuinely moving.

I'd like to add to what Paolo said with the suggestion that the metaphor of 44.4 might show, in your case, that although you've made room in your heart for this person, they're not there to fill the place you've made for them.
I should also say that Dobro's been posting since I came to Clarity (and probably well before then). He's quite genuine and FWIW I'm strongly of the opinion that if he has an agenda, it's to help you as best he can.

- Jeff
 
S

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Edgar, I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling. I can't add much to everyone elses interpretations, but I would suggest that you are still living, and to tie yourself to someone who has gone on, well, I do not think that would be healthy. I admire your conviction to be who you are. The world has not evolved much since the 50s when it comes to bisexuality. They are even less accepted than straight homosexuals (no oxymoron intended) and have a tough time, sometimes even in the gay community. This is just me, but I believe everything happens for a reason, and though it is probably not much comfort now, perhaps you met this woman, not to be with her, but to open you up to some new path. Again, you have my deepest sympathies.
 

edgar

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Thanks all what makes it even more frustrating is the hell hole she came out of ...Let me add that 300 people came to her funeral homeless charities and workers. She was an executive for a software development company and answered only to the CEO this after stopping drinking and prostitution in Europe. Truly a wonderful person and the letter she wrote me on her death bed is something I will cherish all my life. Make no mistake about it she was a diva on the internet one of a handful of transsexuals who were legendary you can not imagine looking at her then and knowing her now and to witness the inner transformation she under went is not to be believed. I love her and will speak to her every day of my life
 

edgar

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Thank you seeker I am talking to the yi and it is apparent that your assesment is correct.. I can speak to her spirit and she suggested I stay in the living and move on that is clear. But I am mourning and it gets intense I went to a porn site and saw her in her old life and now am doing things to let that part of her go into the ether. Like myself as an alcoholic I have a past as well and I can not shut the door on it but I do not have to stare at it either. she was a remarkable recovery story as well what a gift to have her in my life even as a memory... The dead speak to me I have been followed all my life by visiting people on the eve off their demise it is scary and it fits in my music vision... I have written humanistic requiem with Kurt Vonnegut all about a gentle death it amazes me how the idea of leaving is even in my work but thank you so much for your kind words
 

heylise

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Edgar, please take a look here. It might add something to your understanding.
http://www.anton-heyboer.org/i_ching/hex_33-48/hex_e_44.htm
Also follow the hyperlink to the hexagram this line changes into, and read the corresponding line 4 there too.

You lost her as living person, which is very sad, but I don't think you lost her as a great value in your life.

Wishing you a happy heart
LiSe
 

edgar

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First I want to thank LiSe I have been an enormous fan of your web site and have gone there many times to supplement Karcher and Hilary 2 people that I love very much for their service to the world of images. Big respect for them both. But you have been something of a shadow tonality as I say about music. Quoted but indeed I know very little about you. That being said I am in contact with one of my early collaborators the great NY poet Frank Lima and he has helped me cherish the memory of this woman. I am constant amazement when I look at her and know what she was and what she became. Her death letter Frank says has created great value in my life indeed my music has become an outpouring to her memory. At first I wanted to die to be with her but the Yi literally kicked me back into the world of the living but this angel from the edge follows me around every day. I think she is protecting me I want to act out so bad sexually but little things keep intervening and I believe she is looking out for me...Thank you I would be deeply honored to send you a copy of my humanistic requiem that I wrote with Vonnegut as well as my latetest ballet I did at Juilliard. Don't mean to sell myself here but you touched me I have been running very hard from the feeling of grief and mourning...Tennubrae facta sunt
Edgar
 

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